Savannah Bound

Yes, I am exploring today.. Don't have to go back to work till tomorrow. Can only wallow in sorrow for so many days. Savannah Ga is historical, probably the most similar area to Baltimore next to Atlanta that is down here. There is actually a mall!!! I have to knock out a trip to the doc with my mom first, but than I want to see this city I have heard so much about. I can only hide in my master bedroom for so long. I have made a few friends, one in particular who keeps threatening to kidnap me and shake me out of my funk. So I am making an effort today to be pleasant and wide-eyed and curious like I used to be. I feel so lost in this big world. I have never been alone. Baggy Pants grieves in his own way, which is to himself. So I reach out when the moments present themselves, but we are both going through this struggle in our own unique ways. Oh yeah, receiving a blessing from the insurance company from that accident last week. God knows the money will come in handy. My new attitude is to count my blessings and try to move forward, but God, the process is slow. Have a great day. Oh yeah, I will publish my first Flash 55 this week. Have it all written on a pad on my desk. So be be prepared. Have a great day one and all.

Back on track..

Been rather off kilter this last week. Sleeping way too late. Except for going to work, don't feel a sense of purpose. It felt nice to awaken with the sun not yet risen. This is MY time. Everyone asleep, even my trusty dog. No one bothering me, asking me pointless questions, wanting a piece of me. Healing is a long, slow process. This is the time to heal. In the silence of the morning. Watching the sun come up. That is when I feel God's presence. I make my best decisions. This is the best cup of coffee, the one I am drinking right now. I now see the sun winking at me from the trees. Sigh, another day has begun...

When it rains, it pours!

Normal day, got ready for work. My brother-in-law was giving me a ride to work. We get into his truck and are heading towards my job. All of the sudden I see this pick up truck with a huge confederate flag barrelling towards us across the double yellow line. BANG! Both vehicles were totaled. Rick had to be taken via ambulance, as he had glass all in his face. This young kids runs over, the stupid driver, and says "Ma'am I'm so sorry I fell asleep, gosh I'm sorry".. Forgive me, but all the Yankee Baltimore bred me came out. I reply with " You stupid motherfucker, what the fuck?".. "How could you not see us"..I used words this kid probably never heard. I was furious. This was the only vehicle Rick and his wife own. They are just getting over the death of his brother and now this. My son and mom picked me up and we went to get Tina and go to the hospital. She is a very fragile emotional person. Her ability to handle stress is not the greatest. I did what I thought was the best move..I went to work. I always thought that when people nodded off at the wheel, at least by my own experience, you always veer towards the right. If Rick wouldn't have had as quick reflexes as he did and we wouldn't have had seat belts on we would have been dead. There def was an angel watching over us yesterday. The EMT's were the same ones who were at my house the day my husband died. Everyone wanted to know, "Who's boy was driving"...it being such a small town. By the time I get to work, all the customers already new I had been in an accident and who hit us. Amazing. The local gossip mill is the quickest form of news spreading that I have ever seen. So I am counting my blessings. I am alive and well. Now I am scared to death for Jesse to drive on these back roads, because the locals know them so well that they fly. We were the second accident in one hour on that road. At least I know my work ethic is intact. My dad taught me early on that the only excuse for missing work is death and it better be your own. That was probably one of his best pieces of advice. Have a great, safe day. Beware drivers that are half asleep.

The Blues

It's been three days of laying in bed in my pajamas. I usually don't have my three days off in a row. Too much time to think and wallow and be sad. I had to type a letter to my senator who is investigating the negligence in K's death. It was very painful to type. I had to start from the beginning to the end. After I typed it and mailed it out along with the release of his medical records, I was emotionally drained. I talked to my mother and my son who I share my home with. My son hates it here, even though he is making the most of it. The health care in Georgia is horrible. My mom is having a horrible time. No doctors in this little rural town accept Medicaid. She is having a hell of a time getting her health care. Baltimore has it's faults but the health care there was phenomenal. So yes, our rent is dirt cheap, but what have we traded? There is no price you can put on someone's death, but I think I am at the point of switching from hurt to anger. So we made a family plan to bank all of our money and hopefully find a new place to live after the first of the year. It's too painful to come home to this house, plus we have a two year lease which will be up next December. I am in limbo right now and am just waiting for some inner light to guide me to make my next move. So that is where I have been for three days, nestled under my covers, feeling sorry for myself. Back to work today, so time to put on my happy money making game face.

Oh Yeah, Happy Fourth of July

I forgot. Please everyone have a safe holiday weekend. Down here in confederate flag land this is a huge holiday. Just an exscuse for everyone to shoot off their damn firearms...Be safe, be well and Happy Fourth...

So busy, no time to write

Been a crazy week. Oodles of stress. I go through "withdrawal" if I don't get my am time to myself to write. Especially when I come home from Baltimore and arrive back in Georgia. I looked around at Baltimore through clear eyes this week and I know in my heart that is just isn't the place to get to where I need to be. I am really waiting to see what's up when my friend moves down here and opens up that recovery house. That is the first thing that has sparked any interest since I have arrived here. I wish I could get out of this slump. Work is about money. It gives me purpose. What happens after I punch out? I am tired of shopping. How many pocketbooks and shoes does one chick need? I have clothes. Don't really need them, as I don't go anywhere. So for now I shall just try to keep focused..Eye on the prize. I just wish I knew what that prize was....Peace..

The Visit

My older son aka The Panhandler came to visit me this weekend with his girlfriend. My first thought was lock up the checkbooks and medications in the house. Yes, I did. He had left Baltimore a few months ago after detox and moved to Florida to start fresh. My son and his girlfriend arrived here at two in the morning. My boy is really and truly CLEAN. He looks amazing. Gained 40lbs and is tan and healthy. They were headed back to Baltimore because his girlfriend is homesick. She is detoxing off of methadone. On her own. She is a beautiful girl. Her plan is to work and save money for two months so they can get an apt. My son is worried about this. Baltimore is bad news for him. He asked me if while he is waiting for her to "do her thing", can he come stay with me. I do believe I might say yes. Baggy Pants looked really happy to see the two of them. He can smell a rat from a mile a way, and he knows his brother and girlfriend are clean. He just wants to be somewhere he feels safe. He doesn't want to sit idle in Baltimore while she works.. The only "friends" he has are addicts. So I think I am going to take a chance and give him the safety of my home. There is no heroin in this whole little Mayberry town. This is tentative. So we shall see. But I had the proud moment of seeing both of my sons together, laughing and getting along. After all the pain, it did my heart some good. Here is to new beginnings.