Soul Searching

When I look at my life I keep wondering where is the reward. I work hard. I am a good parent. I pay my bills. My back hurts from standing on my feet too many hours a day. I get comfort from the dog and the kid (the kid is sometimes). The dog is a constant. Does everyone feel this way? Where is the big life payoff? Is there one? Can someone please tell me when it will arrive? Am I going to be punished for past choices from years ago forever? I feel like that damn hamster in the wheel. Running hard going nowhere. I worked 10 hours yesterday and by the time I left the store and bought what I needed I had $30 left over from $100 made in tips. I am really yearning to travel. I want to see Europe before I die. That is one goal I have set in stone. Homeland is going to give me a damn passport. I just wonder how long it's going to take. I do get to meet great people everyday. The people I work with are starting to become my extended family in a sense. United by the fact we are all schmucks working for god knows what. The ties that bind. We all try to look out for each other as best we can. I have a few good friends that I can count on. I have one family member, an uncle in California that I love dearly and miss. Does anyone have the ANSWER. The big one. What is this all for? Why am I going to work again today? Can someone please remind me? I am very tired physically and mentally. I don't even take the time to pick up the phone and call anyone anymore, as I am too tired. If any of you wise ones out there have any answers to the great mystery of life please do share them.

The insanity of tv.

I happen to have on Maury Povich's show. How can all these women not know who the father of their children are? Why go on a public platform and admit that you slept around and than surprise your partner that little Susie might not be your daughter. I don't think that is for public consumption. We are now a world filled with reality tv. No wonder why so many screenwriters and tv writers are out of work. They can find some whacky family and follow them around with cameras and call it a "show". This shit sells magazines and makes the news. It is a sign of the times. I believe some things in this world are sacred and private. It is getting ridiculous. The only tv I seem to watch these days are A&E and the Discovery Channel. I like alot of the series of HBO and Showtime. I am starting to think the days of the sitcom are dead and gone. Just like many other things. All in the family are to busy with their blackberries to have Happy Days. Peace.

People

In my 42 soon to be 43 years on this earth, I have learned there are certain people who are truly meant to be alone. They wreak havoc everywhere they go and everything they touch turns to shit. The reverse Midas touch. Somewhere inside my heart I believe we have a responsiblity as human beings to show compassion and care for others. Whether it is holding the door for someone, smiling at another person. Anything to improve the quality of another's day. The reason Denny's is open on Thanksgiving besides the fact alot of folks don't want to cook, is the other reason. We get alot of seniors who come in alone as they have no family. They sit alone and eat their dinner. We, the servers, are the only ones they have to spend the holiday with. Whatever happened to a sense of family? Taking care of your parents? It seems to be all gone. I see it on a daily basis. It is rather sad. We have this one elderly man who eats all three meals at our restaurant. Where are his kids? Try to be kind to someone today. You never know how much it might mean to that person...

Rain rain go away...I have to go to work today

I just read a fellow blogger's post about being retired and it made me think. What the hell would I do if I didn't work? Watch crappy tv? Eat too much? Sit on the computer ALL day? The only goal I really would like to pursue is travel. London Calling. Since I was a little girl. Other than that though, I think I truly enjoy working. No matter where I have worked the workplace becomes an extended part of my family. This job is special to me as I just came back and have known many people there for at least 10 or so years. I feel safe there. I enjoy most of their company. My parents generation lived for retiring. The only retired people that I have met that are truly happy are the ones who were financially prudent and saved so they could actually live their dream. The economy is making it hard for retired folks. Walk into any Wal-Mart in the USA and there is the smiling senior at the door to greet you. I always wonder if they do it to supplement their income or for a sense of purpose. I have worked since I was 15. Except for two years in my life, having a job was a given. I happen to know most of the Wal-Mart greeters on a first name basis. I spend too much money at that store. I always hope that if I show them that their job is important it might brighten their day. Yes, I am weird. The karmic wheel rolls constantly. I wait on some very nasty people as well as nice. I smile at all of them. Even the ones who are known motherfuckers. I refuse to give a miserable human the satisfaction of making me miserable. We had a girl show up to work last night high as a kite on heroin. Thanks to her "highness"...I got to take all her tables while she kept explaining to the owner that she wasn't high, just tired. Than I remembered that was me many years ago at the same store. Ironic huh? She is also a re-hire. Begged for her job back. She reminded me last night of how I want to live my life. Every night I come home I have this man/child staring at me asking me how my night went. Than we eat, talk etc...I also can tell that he is checking me out, to make sure I am "right". He is like an elephant, he never forgets. Don't know how I got off on the retiring topic, just happened. I guess I realized I must be prudent and wise with my earnings or instead of traveling when I retire I will be smiling at you when you walk into Wal-Mart. *Nothing wrong with that*, just not what I aspire to for my waiting golden years. Sarcastic Bastard, if I ever meet a man I will burn his socks if they are black.

Cutting the ties

I am always saying how I am going to eliminate toxic people from my life. The last one is finally gone. My mother. We have been co-existing for the last 5 or so years. She is one of the most inhumane people I have ever encountered. For years every single person I have met has told me to get away from her. So now she officially is moving in to a Golden Girls type house. She is 66 and has not one friend on the planet. She once told my son that he was like a piece of shit stuck in her ass that she couldn't expel. Direct quote. Kenny made us go to family counseling. She said she had made that comment in jest. I grew up on those comments. It is almost like another death. I am adopted. I always wonder why she adopted an infant when she is not the least bit maternal. I was four months old. Than 11 years later she got pregnant with my brother. She always reminds him that he was an accident. I always joke with my friends that if she was a reptile she would have eaten us. So another person is removed from my life. It is Jesse left that I must complete raising. I told him about his grandmother, and he just shrugged his shoulders. He is doing well in school. Wrote a piece about Hamlet that he got an A on. The boy has a great brain. He is just very private. I am an open person. We watched Twilight together on the computer before we fell asleep last night. I love that child. We have a rather unusual relationship. There are trust issues on his part and me always trying to prove myself to him. At the end of the day we have our moments. That is my son. I will be a better mother than mine. That is my end goal. I have an empty feeling inside knowing that my mother is officially going to be erased from my life. That part is going to be my choosing. I am tired of the years of hurt and pain. Can't deal with it anymore. I am slowly making new friends and I am going to be okay. My son will be okay. Why is it so hard when it is family to extract them and remove them? Sometimes I wish there was a delete button or undo button in real life. Peace..

Ponderings

I am thankful for many things in my life. It might not seem like much. i have a job, a roof over my head and food. I am working with old, dear friends. Progress financially is slow, but I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Sunday mornings are my favorite time to reflect. I get up early so I have time to read and write before I got to work. Oh yeah, can't forget my dog. My son goes without saying. We had a few dollars to splurge at McDonalds, ugh, last night. It made him happy and it made me feel good to give him $10 to go. Once I get squared away rent wise etc, my next goal is to see the (dentist). Very scared. My top teeth need alot of work. They are causing me tremendous pain. So I am going to call the medical school and see what needs to be done adn how much. I have always taken care of my teeth, even when I was actively using, Now I am on 3 different types of medicine, been taking them for the last 5 years. The dentist told me that most meds make your mouth dry, which is what causes tooth decay. They even make a special toothpaste for people who take medication to keep saliva in your mouth. So that is my next important goal. Time to get ready for work. My days off are Monday and Tuesday. So this is my personal THANK GOD IT'S SUNDAY!!!!!

RE- previous post

Just wanted to say that I did not read the whole article and a friend informed me, someone who is more knowledgeable than I politically, that this was outdated and not correct. So I now feel like a dumbass. The posting part of what I wrote I believe in. I just want people to be able to afford to live, especially our elderly. The person who forwarded me the link always forwards me alot of similar news items. I will inform her she is sending outdated information. I get alot of emails from people who live in Georgia. In rural poverty. Many are very racist and want someone to blame for their own lot in life. That is why I moved back to Baltimore. I needed to among the diversity and sanity that I am used to. In this city, yeah we blame, but we get off our ass and work 1-3 jobs, whatever it takes. That is the biggest difference I notice from the little rural town I left. There were numerous unemployed men in that town. They would talk politics and blame the "niggers, spic, and towelheads", over their tenth beer. It never occurred to them that maybe the fact that they dropped out of school in the 5th grade might have something to do with their lot in life. It is always easier to blame than to take personal responsibility. If I would have made better choices in my youth, my life would be much different now. My mother mismanaged her money her whole life. So now she is reaping what she has sown. Sometimes when another is brutally honest with you, it makes you take a look in the mirror.