Dec 30, 2010

And so a new year is upon us...





What a year, huh people? I moved out of my house and I now rent a room from a couple and am finallhy at peace. So I finally got unpacked and settled in my new place and now can blog away. I just realized that I didn't need that big house. It attracted to many needy people who needed a place to stay and it just became too much of a headache. So now I have a nice room in a beautiful apartment. Noone can get in unless I buzz them in. I like that security feature. I am starting to find my happiness and peace. Now I am NOT moving anywhere for a long damn time. I still have things in my old house that I need to bring here, but I am almost done. It's always a long strange trip, but I am really enjoying the journey. Peace people's.

Dec 14, 2010

Being a parent

Just got off the phone with Baggy Pants. It's 9 degrees in Nashville. Hahahahahaha. He got snow first. Maybe I am pre-menepausal, but everytime we talk I cry. He hates it. I miss him. I miss his presence. Being the brutally honest human that I am, I know in my heart I failed him many times when he needed me. So I overcompensate as often as possible. Our family put the fun in dysfunction. You might catch us on Springer, NOT. Kids just want to feel safe. I miss the smell of his dirty socks and this is fucked up folks. They stink for real. I don't care. They are part of him. He invited me to Nashville for the holidays. Tears were just running down my eyes. They might cut the umbilical cord in the hospital but guess what? The cord is always there people.....

Dec 13, 2010

And so the holidays are upon us...

I am back. It feels good. I had to do alot of soul searching in the last few months. I literally could not write. My fingers would freeze everytime I would stare at this blog. Now they are nimble again. Go figure....Thanks to everyone who showed care and concern.

It is still very early and peaceful. One of the problems of me being in this house is that it is really too big for me. Baggy Pants moved to Tennesse to be with his true love and is doing well. i have two rooommates. I know I am helping in this economy. Plus to hear a human voice now and than is nice. We are a house of 3 women plus a couple kids trying to make it from one day to the next. I have met many new people on this journey of mine to find peace. I realized I am blessed. My life could be much worse. So I shall keep swimming in the muddy waters of life until I will hopefully attain the clarity I yearn for. Peace! Great to be back. Now let me read what everyone else has been up to....

Oct 20, 2010

YOU NEVER MET A MOTHERFUCKER QUITE LIKE ME




And that's how I feel today.....

Insomnia

My eyes are wide open, yet my body is so tired. So I said fuck it, I'll write. My mental health has improved to the point that the gloom and doom has lifted. (Might be the Paxil) I spent the hours between 3am til now cleaning my bedroom. The lights are out and my lone candle is burning. There is something peaceful about laying in bed in total silence dumping my thoughts. I had some girlfriends over tonight and we watched a movie and chilled. For the first time in my life I realize that I am no longer someone's wife. I have been married twice, although the first one was just the sperm donor for my boys. I am now 43 and alone, but blessed with good friends. My kids are grown, or so they think. It hit me tonight that I am now accountable to ME. It's like putting your favorite shoes away in the closet and breaking in the new ones. The blisters are starting to heal. Peace.

Oct 18, 2010

Update

The sun just came out, imagine that!

Rain and cold...ick







I woke up this morning and that early fall chill was definetly in the air. I ang m already having visions of snow, salt and shovels. The Farmers Almanac said this winter is going to be brutal. I barely made it through last winter. I know, I am slightly compulsive thinking about snowstorms before Halloween, but it is what it is. I see so many hardened faces and I wonder what goes through their mind. Are they happy with the hand that life has dealt them? Who knows? I sometimes feel like we are little ants trying to etch out an existence for ourselves, no matter how meager. Right now my coffee cup is getting rather low and that is unacceptable, so ta ta for now folks. Be thankful for what you have.

Oct 17, 2010

Sunday Morning

Time for my weekly late Sunday breakfast out. I have a friend who comes over every weekend. We go out on Saturday night for dinner, and than Sunday morning for breakfast. I find myself treasuring these weekend moments. It gives me a sense of purpose and pleasure to enjoy being with someone again. Never thought I would see the day that I would enjoy human companionship. Time to go eat.

Oct 15, 2010

Smile with your eyes dammit

I was drinking my early coffee and they have a ANTM marathon. Does anyone really need to learn how to walk and prance and pose in real life? Sorry, I understand the entertainment value of the show. It just doesn't apply to my real life. I smile with my eyes when I am waiting on tables, period. I watch these girls sob and cry when the get eliminated. Way to go to boost someone's self esteem. Yes, I am getting jaded in my old age, and I am quite ok with it. Here is a toast to being content and over 40!

Oct 12, 2010

Finally!!!!

I am back. Have had a hell of a time with the internet. My friend and I went out to Best Buy Sunday and he bought me a brand new Gateway laptop. I love it!!! Things are slowly coming together. I have been going nuts without the internet. I love to write as well as read. I will be going back to work this week and getting back into the groove of life. I am going nuts in the house. Dog shopping is on the agenda as well. I wanted to hold off until I was totally well before I got a puppy. I am slowly gaining weight and healing. Life has thrown some crazy turns but I am still here and still perservering. Now, time to catch up on my favorite blogs. Peace!

Sep 14, 2010

Got a blue moon in my eye.....





I hate to say this but why must I press 1 for English? It irritates the shit out of me. It is not a predjudiced issue. I feel you should press one for Spanish, that's all. Am I wrong?

Sep 13, 2010

Blessings abound

It's quite an amazing thing when you rid yourself of all the leeches in your life. Good things happen. Today is grocery shopping day. It's so much fun to shop when you are told to gain weight. I have to gain about 15 pounds. The sallow, sunk in look doesn't suit me. My breathing is back to normal finally. My mind is in a good place and I am feeling normal, well whatever normal is. I have a new secret addiction. The Housewives of New Jersey. Yeah, laugh. These woman tickle me. I know, I know it's trash tv. but it takes my mind of my own damn problems. It just goes to show that no matter how much money you have, you put a group of women together and they cannot get along. Peace.

Sep 12, 2010

Good morning world

Had a great morning. My friend Joe and I just came back from breakfast. I had a big fattening waffle with strawberries and whipped cream. Joe and I have been friends for a few months and he has treated me better than anyone in my insane family. I am trying to gain about 15 pounds, still recovering from the damn pneumonia. I have a new appreciation for life. I want to be alive. I did learn one thing. I am a mouth breather. According to the doctor, you are supposed to breathe in with your nose and exhale through your mouth. I have been doing it backwards my whole life. One of my breathing exercises consists of "Smell the roses through your nose and than exhale the scent through my mouth". I didn't know there were rules for breathing. Are you a mouth breather?

Sep 11, 2010

New Computer

Been going nuts when the "new" computer crashed, so finally got this one delivered last night. I think we are going to be great friends. The house is as quiet as a mouse. My brother, and others are out. Silence is beautiful. The bought with pneumonia really scared me. I am actually trying to gain about 15 pounds. Just got all the staples removed from my back. God, did they itch! I learned through all this that I can't save the world. I need to focus on me and my mental/physical health. Yes, I decided I need to take my anti-depressent medication. Too many grey days does no good for anyone. I now am back into my old habits of blogging in the am and drinking my coffee. Just missing the puppy. Hopefully next week. Than I can start walking again. Thank you everyone who has stayed and checked in here. I will be a much more dutiful blogger. I have kept a journal since I was 12 and this is basically my online journal.Hugs and kisses to everyone.....

Aug 25, 2010

Out of slumville!!!!

Good morning America! Back in my old house. Just got my internet up and running. Yee Haw....Feels so great to be back in the house and away from the projects. I got myself a laptop, getting used to it. I think I am going to like it. God is good. I get the staples out of my back friday. My health is slowly coming back. I think the stress played a huge part in me getting that sick among other things. It felt really strange to be back in this house. The last time I was here my husband was with me. I know I am where he would want me to be. I am going to the pound this week and getting myself a nice mutt that needs a home. It's been a long journey but I am learning I can make it on my own and I can survive. Thanks for everyone's support and love. Time to finish unpacking. God Bless.

Aug 17, 2010

Victory is mine..

Well, slumlord dude took me to rent court yesterday. He served me while I was in the hospital. So I got discharged Sunday, and went to rent court yesterday. Gary didn't show up. You all know what that means.. The judge threw the case out. He said the landlord failed to appear. I am so glad I went, feeling crappy and all. Tomorrow is moving day. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THE F OUT OF HERE. The doctor said the main reason I got pneumonia is because el cheapo wouldn't run any air and it made it hard for my lungs to breathe. So now I have nebulizers, inhalers, the works. I was in surgery for 5 1/2 hours. I have 40 beautiful stables in my back. Looks like a damn set of train tracks. I have faith and I know that time shall heal all wounds. This last year and a half has been nothing but learning and growing. To the moon!!!!!

Aug 15, 2010

I'M FREE!

Just got discharged from the hospital. I have been in there for two weeks! Turns out I had severe pneumonia. They said I have had it for over a month now for my lungs to be in the condition they are. I have 40 staples in my back. If I would have waited 2 more days I would have died. The main cause of my sicknes???? The heat and no air-We are now moving on Wednesday morning when slum man is at work. I can't take a chance of a relapse I have always been a relatively healthy person and my days of worrying about others people who don't give a flying fig about are over. This is about me and mine. From now on that is all I care about. First and foremeost I tam taking care of my me because if can't take care of me nothing else will move forward. I love and missed you all.....xxxxoooooo

Jul 29, 2010

Question of the day

How do you personally stay sane around a bunch of 'effing fruit-loops?

Jul 26, 2010

Lazy

This heat is making me very lazy. My tenant forgot to take two things with him when he moved out. His girlfriend and daughter. She called me crying saying she was going to slit her wrists. My brother the realist said "Well than we don't have to evict her, the morgue will do it". We are very different. Me, the shmuck said she can stay til the fifteenth with us,as we now pushed up the moving date til Thursday. Just like she has her family to worry about, so do I. I am not a social worker. He moved into his father's house, who passed away. They have been together 13 years. It's ridiculous. It is also not my problem. I will help when I can, just not at our expense. It seems that everything that happens is a result of our choices. I am done here. I cannot live like this any longer. If she doesn't mind sleeping in the basement for two weeks than so be it. I think I am being more than fair. Her old man fucked me on the mortgage. That becomes my problem than...Peace.

Jul 22, 2010

Moving

We are moving on Monday. Out of the slum house and back into the family house. I can't wait. Central air, wall to wall carpet...my house.. Thank God. The tenants moved out earlier than expected and that was just perfect timing. I believe that is called a backhanded blessing.

Jul 13, 2010

hot so hot

I never knew how much a person could sweat until now. This heat is something else. I know, you heard me whine about the winters cold and snow. I like spring and fall. Period. i feel wilted. My face is too shiny. No amount of cosmetics can help. Actually make-up looks worse when it is running down your face in pretty little streaks. Yuck. I always see these genteel southern ladies with all their hair in place, make-up perfect etc. How do they do it? I am mystified. I always heard that men sweat and ladies perspire. Well sad to say, I SWEAT. Like a pig. I have been bringing deodorant to work in my purse. It's bad friends. We have had some summer showers. They do bring a breeze or two, but that's it. So keep a cool thought in your heart for me so I don't melt. I don't want to turn into a big puddle! Peace.

Jul 10, 2010

Back in the family house Sept 1...

That's right. Outta the slum.. I feel the The Jeffersons. Movin' on up...I called the tenants and we have managed to work it out rather civilly. My mortgage is $714 a month for a whole house. You can't get an apartment that cheap. No more slum lord. The housing authorities have been calling us as he has prior complaints from previous tenants. They said that once they come in here they will have to shut him down. This is a single family dwelling and not zoned to be a boarding house. He is currently renting to 5 people. So now I have something to look forward to. I have a fenced in yard so the first thing I am doing is getting my puppy. I think Kenny would be proud. Two months ago I was in a murky dark depression. I had tried to commit suicide. I failed. God has a purpose for me. Not really sure what it is yet, but I do believe that I will find out..Peace

Jul 9, 2010

It feels good!






Yesterday was wonderful. My ex neighbor/friend invited me over to go swimming and eat pizza yesterday. She calls me her auntie. Her name is Natalie and she is 25. She has awesome parents who love her dearly. They have been through the insanity with her. She wound up getting her certificate as a medical assistant, got rid of the crazy boyfriend and now hangs closely with her family. I am so proud of her. We had so much fun. Her dad built everything by hand in their back yard. The deck, steps, everything. It's beautiful. I finally was able to relax. Sunshine and a good girlfriend can do wonders for a person. We found a place that sells decent large pizzas for $9. It doesn't take much to make this woman happy. I wonder if the neighbors will laugh at me if I go out and buy a kiddie pool? Not that I would care. As long as my ass can fit in it, and it keeps me cool I don't give a flying fig. I am off from work today. Count your blessings everyday people. May you not fry in this horrid heat....Peace!

Jul 7, 2010

Amazing

Have you ever tried to help a stupid person? Pointless. There is a guy I know. Wants to get into treatment, so he says. I am the queen of getting it done. I found a list of programs, facilities etc. What does the asshole do? Calls me this morning to borrow $50. He has done one too many drugs. He hasn't called any of the places. Not my problem anymore. Of course when I said no I got the click of the phone on his end. How is someone going to try to make me feel bad for not loaning them MY money? I am barely making it as it is, and you want to borrow my money not for anything positive, but for drugs. Nope, I am not the one. See I have played the game. I know every story, every scam. You will lose if you try to flip it around. I never deny anyone food or the like. There is just too much help available in this city if you want it. Many of the places are free. So another number has been deleted from my phone. Have a great day...

Jul 3, 2010

Getting my work face on..




Time to get in the shower at 8pm and put on that happy waitress face. The hardest part is getting there. Once I punch in I am fine and in my mode. Hopefully 6am will roll around quick. I did get off for July 4th. Most people shall be cooking out and spending time with their families. Not too many are going to be eating grand slams. My neighbors have been having a damn ball with the fireworks. To the point of annoying the shit out of me. I like to sleep with my window open. Every ten minutes last night it sounded like people were getting shot. I didn't know whether to get on the floor under the bed or look out the window. My one neighbor actually "guffaws" when he laughs. He also says "Hot Damn" every time one of those noisy things goes boom. I almost thought I was back in Georgia. The people were more civil there though, and they shot real guns just because. I have much more respect for the southern man than I do my ding dong neighbor yelling fucking "Hot Damn".. I happen to know that he is a closet racist. I have decided that tomorrow I shall blast some annoying rap and hip hop out of my window. I might, God forbid, invite some friends over who aren't, gulp, white. Hot Damn!!!!!! Have a great holiday.....

Jul 1, 2010

Strange Days..




Some days are more strange than others. Just like people. I must have a weirdo magnet. I can't even walk to get a pack of cigarettes without attracting at least one. They usually need a cigarette, or want to use my phone or God forbid, they want to talk. I have no rap these days. I save it for when I am on the clock. If you want me to be overly friendly and nice, come to Denny's. Once I punch out, it's pretty much all gone. I did wait on an a rather colorful drunk the other night. He was there with a lady friend. He had a 40oz in a paper bag. They ordered two prime rib skillets and two waters. He asked me for my phone number. I told him I didn't own a phone. He asked me if I wanted some of his beer. I declined. Than he proceeded to tell me his life story. He is a vagabond who likes to travel. He has been to most of our states, and can tell you the name of a good bar in every one. He gave me the phone number for a strange man in Montana. This man owns a rundown resort. He will pick you up at the train station. You get $68 a day in cash and free room and board. You work at the resort. Drunk dude pays bill and leaves me his phone number and a decent tip. Don't know why, but I kinda like him. The free spirit part. He told me he had to get to a meeting. I gave him a hug and told him not to bring his beer to his meeting. I hope he made it..Just a glimpse into a day of my life...Peace!!!

Jun 30, 2010

Feels so good to want to write again...

Yup, it sure does. Had quite a bit of family drama in the last month, to the point where it literally sucked the life out of me. I was just like that hamster in the shiny wheel, running fervently but accomplishing nada. Than I woke up a few mornings ago and simply let go off all problems that don't personally affect me or my son. Baggy Pants got his high school diploma this week. Thank God!!!! I cried. He was so nonchalant about it. He came home like he always does, and knocked on my door. He comes in my room and says, "Here ma, I thought you might like this". He than hands me his diploma. That was quite a moment folks. My boy is 20 and has been taking college and high school classes. That was two days ago. My spirits have been lifted tremendously. This last year has been one long strange trip for us, but we have come out on the other side. Just like he didn't give up on his diploma, I can't give up either. So it's on to fight the good fight. Feels wonderful to sit here and be able to write again....

Jun 23, 2010

Things do work out...

Well mom is not coming back here. She now has a social worker who is helping her find an assisted living facility. All her arteries are blocked and they want to wait awhile due to her age before they do any more surgery. So now she is in good hands and I will be able to work and live my life worry free. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I do feel rather hurt as for the last 6 years we have taken care of her. Apparently it wasn't good enough. For the first five months when we were in Ga. and she had no income coming in, Kenny paid every one of her bills. When we moved back after he died I waited on her hand and foot. So I feel pretty used. The good thing is it can't happen ever again. So that is a blessing. I am done. This is my year to heal spiritually and mentally. She is toxic. I hope she makes lots of friends in the assisted living place. She is going to need them....

Things do work out...

Well mom is not coming back here. She now has a social worker who is helping her find an assisted living facility. All her arteries are blocked and they want to wait awhile due to her age before they do any more surgery. So now she is in good hands and I will be able to work and live my life worry free. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I do feel rather hurt as for the last 6 years we have taken care of her. Apparently it wasn't good enough. For the first five months when we were in Ga. and she had no income coming in, Kenny paid every one of her bills. When we moved back after he died I waited on her hand and foot. So I feel pretty used. The good thing is it can't happen ever again. So that is a blessing. I am done. This is my year to heal spiritually and mentally. She is toxic. I hope she makes lots of friends in the assisted living place. She is going to need them....

Jun 16, 2010

Back to work today...

I am back on my early am schedule. No more late nights. The ambulance came twice yesterday. The first time she refused treatment. The second time she went. She has become so nasty and vile it actually is shocking me. The social worker from home health care called yesterday and said for me to go to the courthouse and file an order to get her a psychiatric evaluation. For all of you in recovery programs you understand the value of taking care of ones self before anything. She has literally sucked the life out of me. I refuse to allow it anymore. It has been one year since my husband passed. I made a point of telling myself this is a new chapter in my life. I intend to make each day count. Life can change in the blink of an eye. No more drama folks. If I want drama I'll watch a good movie. Time to get ready for work.. PEACE!!!!

Jun 12, 2010

An aging parent

Mom is recovering from major back surgery. She thought the hospital was going to let her stay there until she felt better. HA...Her insurance ran out, bam, they wheeled her out. She was devastated. What happens to people in that situation who have no family? She can't drive. She does seem to enjoy being waited on a little too much. I will fix that in a hurry. The brother isn't as sympathetic. He is like "Mom, walk dammit"..She asked if she could get a bell. ?????? NOT HAPPENING. I found that if I use my "waitress voice" and pretend she is a customer that is a decent tipper it makes this alot easier. I am trying to be humble because one day I might be the aging parent. Be nice to your kids folks,lol....you never know when the script will flip. Peace!

Jun 11, 2010

I'm Back~

Well my experiment is over. I really need my medicine. Plain and simple. I had no desire to write, read, nothing. I think this little sabbatical did me a world of good. It's been one year, June 1, since my husband died. How I am still standing I don't know, but I am. God simply isn't ready for me yet. Baggy Pants needs to finish French and the diploma is his. Small victories, I'll take 'em. My mother just came home to recoup from a major back surgery so I am playing nurse yet once again, but the end result will be a more mobile and happier mother. We move back to the family "estate" lol, August 1. No more slumlord. I must toot my horn. I did save the family house. Got my mom a 2% fixed interest rate, got rid of that crazy ass balloon payment. This is the first time our family has actually pulled together. My brother and I are now getting closer like we used to be. He stayed away for years, but now he is part of our crazy train. Here is to family and keeping that train on track moving forward...Peace!

Jun 3, 2010

Ungodly heat...

I am sitting here sweating like bad lunch meat, ugh...no a/c sucks. It sounds like a windstorm with all these fans going. Plus i have switched alot of my medications, and I am doing extra sweating and mood adjusting. I can't believe how shitty I have felt. I am at a personal crossroads. Do I want to continue with the mood stabilizers or go the all natural route? Every once in awhile I like to cleanse my system of everything. It's uncomfortable and irritating but it is something that I must do. There has to be a better way than taking a pink pill everyday to "feel good". Crash and burn. Sometimes the early am peace and quiet is more therapeutic than any medication. A good cup of coffee to clear the head. Mostly silence. So I am trying to figure this out. Do I NEED to be medicated or is it just a habit of always taking something to feel better? Isn't that what most people do nowadays? That is what I am trying to figure out now...time to un-stick my self from this chair and take a nice long shower. Peace and cool breezes...

May 27, 2010

It's all about me dammit!

I have taken another week off of work to re-group. My mom went in on Tuesday to get her back surgery. She will be in the hospital for about a month. I really was at the point of having a nervous breakdown. I can envision myself in fuzzy slippers doing the Thorazine shuffle without a care in the world. Sadly I am too responsible to go that route. So I am getting ready to pack so we can be in our house by July 1. I go back to work on Wednesday. I would like to think that I am not alone in having these thoughts. A woman can only take so much stress. I am getting ready to belt out Helen Reddy's I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar...Fuck it, I just want to roar. Thanks to all the bloggers out there who keep me smiling and give me a much needed chuckle. I am currently on a Mountain Dew binge. So many damn flavors...trying to cut down on my coffee intake, not succeeding. I love you all, and this Dew's for you!

May 19, 2010

I've been a baaaddddd blogger

Yup, it is true. I apologize. Work and the real world has taken over for about a week. I got transfered to another store that is safer, my mother is gearing up for back surgery and I simply have run out of steam. No more. Blogging is something that I enjoy and it's my time alone to think and reflect. I like to think that it is my mind's equivalent of a nice workout session. So here is what is been going on this week. My owner transfered me to his other store. You have been to one Denny's, you have been to them all. I like the new store. It is smaller (less running) and clean and in a better neighborhood. Yes, I am zipcode snob. (Not really) I just don't want to get attacked while I am at work. My mother is getting ready to get her L3,4, and 5 fused. I think those are the right numbers. Anyhow, it is her second back surgery. She is scheduled to next Tuesday. We have been doing all this pre-op stuff. Not fun. My mom is popping Percosets like candy, with an occassional oxy for good measure. She now requires baby-sitting as she is dropping cigarettes, and falling asleep mid-sentence. The only thing that is coming out of her mouth is "Oh, the pain"....I empathize, but since I am the one jogging up and down a flight of steps, my sympathy is running out. I am dreading when she comes home from surgery. She wants a damn bell to ring, or an intercom. NOOOO...So that is where I am at today, my only day off. I am now making a point to take care of me. I need my hour or so in the morning to read, write, and listen to my music mix. It is a ritual. In my younger years I have had much worse rituals to start my day. It is coming up on one year, June 1st since my husband passed away. I like to think his hand is still there on the small of my back, helping me navigate this crazy thing called my life. Be well..Peace!

May 13, 2010

I adore this man..his words live on forever!



101 George Carlin Quotes

I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
What year did Jesus think it was?
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
“No comment” is a comment.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
Hooray for most things!
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Life is a zero sum game.
Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

May 12, 2010

Back to work today

Surprisingly I still have my job. I am working dayshift today. Than I am meeting with the owner tomorrow to find a new shift. I simply cannot work the graveyard shift. The clientèle has changed since the ten years ago I worked it. So here is to a new day at work and peace. No swinging at the waitress puhleeze!!!!

May 11, 2010

An unhappy ending

I went into work on the graveyard shift on Mother's Day. The clientle has been getting worse. We had no cook, only a sick manager doing the best he could. Long story short 2 aferican american girls and one boy came in and was nothing but trouble. Told me to go fetch their drinks, cursed every foul word you could think of and before I knew it, two of them had me against the wall punching me. In twenty years of waitressing I have never had a physical confrontation with a customer. I talked to the off duty cop and we were just having that conversation you have as you age. He said it is a new dawn, a rather sad one at that. The people I have been waiting on at that time of night are not the same ilk that I waited on ten years ago. It made me sad to think that violence would erupt over pancakes. I am a human being working to put a roof over me and my boy's head. I am taking Paxil which is supposed to make me happy, according to the tv and the doctor, lol. I am now just taking my life one day at a time. My son was great on Mother's Day and all was well. The times they are a changin' and so am I.

May 9, 2010

Snoop from The Wire



One of the best, most realistic shows that HBO ever produced. The girl in the photo is Felecia Pearson. She was born and raised in Baltimore. She was born a crack baby. She went to prison when she was 15. She overcame all the adversity and got the gig on The Wire. She has a book out called Grace After Midnight which is her story. Anyhow, she stopped in my work the other night to get a carry-out and I hadn't seen her since she was 15. So she took some pictures with me. She found her way out and is now not surviving, but thriving. Here's a toast to ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IF YOU WANT IT! Peace and Happy Mother's Day.

May 6, 2010

YAY

WE GOT OUR HOUSE BACK!!!!!! Living on faith. We just got approved for the make home affordable plan. When we moved to Georgia, we moved partly because my mom had an ARM loan. So we headed down to the lake and rented the house out. When Kenny died we came back and are renting from current slumlord. The mortgage was 1,091 a month. Well, drum roll, starting June 1, it will be $700 a month. I have been in tears, tears of joy. I have a wonderful tenant so we won't be moving in until July 1, but all the paperwork was worth it. My perverted landlord can kiss my sweet ass good-bye. My spirits lifted so much. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. The roller coaster of life continues. What a ride!

May 4, 2010

Humor

I am on my break. I am picking up some hostess shifts temporarily. It feels so good to be able to type again. I am starting to smile again, even chuckle. That is the best sign that I am getting better. Humor really does make someone feel good. So I shall continue onward and upward. No tears, I shall laugh dammit and enjoy the little things. Have to run, but will be posting on a regular basis starting tomorrow. Peace!!!

May 2, 2010

What goes up, must come down...

Well I am no longer a working girl. I am on medical leave with no pay. I just applied for SSD. My right arm is not healing, and i need surgery. I also have Hep C and it just became active again. Thankfully I have food stamps and got medical assistance. My problem now is my rent. I am going to social services bright and early in the morning to see if I can get cash assistance until my SSD kicks in. I am trying to take all this in with the best of spirits but is is hard. When your health starts to fail you, it is scary. Plus, I am a workaholic. I don't know what the hell to do except work. This is a very scary time. Baggy pants has twenty more days till he graduates. He has applied for his college loans for September. So at least he is on track. This time last year in Georgia I had three months worth of bill money in the bank. Not anymore. I am scared, but I will fight. Maybe now I can work on the novel I have been trying to get published. My main goal is to get my rent paid. Getting the health insurance was huge. I have no co-pays and my prescriptions are only $1. I can budget well with the food benefits. It is humbling, but I have worked since I was 14 so maybe it is my time to get myself healthy, and use some of the damn tax money I have paid all these years. It feels so good to start writing again. This is the one thing in my life that truly brings me joy. I guess this is just another twist in the journey of my life. That is the attitude I must keep. Thank all of you so much for caring and loving me through my journey. It makes a huge difference in my life. I love and care for each and everyone of you. Be blessed.

Apr 28, 2010

Sorry for lack of posting

It has been hurting to type so I have been taking a sabbatical from the keyboard. Going back to work today, finally. I am going to do short shifts and hostess until my arm is healed. I never realized how shitty tv is until I watched it this week. My mother visited and she loves the show The Duggers, and the other show with the little people. I guess there aren't any more real actors nowadays as everyone seems content to be a voyeur, watching everyday people live their lives out. I tried to share her enthusiasm and watch her shows. The Duggers have too many kids for me to focus, and the little people are just....well...a show about vertically challenged people and their daily lives. I fell asleep during both shows. The one show that I do enjoy and always have is The Dog Whisperer. This man loves dogs, as do I. I have always felt that animals have an ability to gauge a person's character. If my cat or dog didn't like you, than there had to be a reason. Soon I shall visit the animal shelter and pick out a new dog. I miss the cold nose and the snuggles that come with a dog. Forgive my lapse in posting. This week has been horrid. Being home I thought I would at least be able to write. Time to get ready for work. Be well, be happy and find something to make you smile today!

Apr 20, 2010

Been sick

Sorry for not updating. Just found out that I have tendinitis and carpal tunnel in my right arm, which is the kiss of death for a waitress. So I have been pretty busy running to doctors and pharmacies etc. I have a not to have off til Friday, which although I cannot afford it, in the long run it will be more cost effective to let my tendon get some rest. The arm that is afflicted ironically is my "tray hand"..the one that I carry the big trays with. The doctor said that after 21 years of waitressing my tendon is telling me it needs a break.. Getting some more testing in regard to the carpal tunnel. So I shall have plenty of time to blog and catch up on all of your blogs out there since I have a few extra days off..God Bless and Peace!

Apr 16, 2010

Reasons and seasons




I am learning to take my happiness wherever I can. In minutes sometimes seconds. The older i get I realize the big reward is nil. I will work, sleep, eat and do it all over again. It's the joy of the journey. The people I encounter. The music I dearly love. The people I love. Been grieving alot lately. June 1st will be one year since the death. Spring was our time. We gardened, walked the dog, cooked out. Simple, mundane things that equate joy to me. I have never been a high maintenance chick. I can't imagine doing it all over again with another human being. I do ponder it sometimes. Relationships are alot of work. 20 years is alot of history with one person. Maybe there will be someone out there for me. I don't know. It is not a pressing issue. Only the man above knows what my destiny is. i wish he'd give me a damn hint. Like, "psssst, be at the bookstore on Sunday morning, and you will meet a new life partner." Something subtle like that, lol. i make love in my mind, with memories and the occasional cheat. I need a man with a brain. I can put up with mild neurosis's as I have a few of my own. I need someone who can make me laugh so hard I almost pee. I need someone who thinks I look beautiful with no makeup and sweatpants. Must love dogs. Someone who is passionate about food. Wait a minute this is my blog, not a desperately seeking ad. Well at least I am starting to figure out what I like, at 43. Do we really know what this journey has in store for us? Maybe that's the reason I have been seeking. Stop looking for that HUGE REWARD, and exhale and make the most of my journey. Peace!

Apr 14, 2010

Fresh Attitude

Well today I am going in for dayshift after my two day suspension. I am not going to be bitter or nasty. I know who the snakes are. It's my fault if I go near them. I think the troublemaker underestimated just how many friends I have at my job. The owner told me time will catch a thief. So I am just going to do me. I don't own the place. The state gives me and my son health benefits, so I am done being Mother Theresa as my boss calls me. I have rent to pay and bills. That won't happen if I get caught up in the wrong mix. Life is full of lessons and I guess I just learned another one. Have a great day all.

Apr 13, 2010

My life could be worse I suppose...

Vindicated

Back to work tomorrow. Spoke with the owner and I am getting a write up for letting other people in my drawer. I'll take that over being accused of being a thief. My feelings were very hurt. I shall now be leaving my feelings at the time clock. We all joke that we are going to the snake pit to work. There is a truth in every joke. I will always persevere. You can't win if you quit. So here is to a new day and some temporary peace of mind. Can't count on it always being there, but I'll take peace of mind whenever it wanders my way. PEACE!

Apr 12, 2010

Suspended

Well I haven't been in a blogging mood as I am currently suspended until my owner calls. I take the shift that noone wants and I get screwed. They are having a meeting as I type. There is a girl I work with on that shift who is known thief. Well I was in charge of the register on Saturday graveyard. My drawer came up $100 short. She is very threatened by me, as all her regulars are my old regulars. He put me on the shift to clean up the bullshit. These are my regular days off anyhow. He is going to call me tomorrow. They are having a meeting as I type. Sigh, being dedicated is a thankless job. I shall update the verdict tomorrow.

Apr 8, 2010

I just noticed..

Do you remember the first time you noticed your parent/s were aging and or old? It just hit me this morning with my mother. She now walks with a cane. It takes her two tries to get up from sitting down. She is now going to the hospital tomorrow for a catherization to check a blockage in her heart. I realized this morning that she just might not be around forever. Kenny always told me that no matter how much you might differ or argue with you mother, that once she is gone, it is an ache that lasts forever. I am learning to cope with grief. There are no words. I believe now that time is the only healer, no matter how trite that may sound. I find comfort in memories, songs and photos. I am now trying to prepare myself for the fact that my mother might only have but so many years left. My husband took me totally by surprise. I think that made it harder. Death came quickly, a thief that dashed in and out and took my heart. My mom is now talking about wills etc. I dread these conversations. I know they must take place. So for today I am trying to enjoy our time together and make each day count. Peace.

Apr 7, 2010

Watching a loved one spiral out of control

I am watching my brother go on a downward spiral. It is disheartening. The only positive that has come from this is that it has made me take an inventory of my life. I am now inspired to make changes. Don't have alot of time to blog this am. as I have to do my one morning shift of the week. I am seeing parallels of a younger me and don't like it,not one bit. So I can't be a rescuer, only of myself. This has given me the motivation to do the best I can. By God's grace that could be me if I am not diligent. So this new work week is filled with positive's. I am working on my goals not with a ferocity. That is why I haven't been blogging as much as normal. I am exhausted. I love my blogger friends dearly. You all inspire me daily. The Paxil has made a huge difference and I am starting to find the actual clarity in my muddy waters. You can't bullshit yourself. Here is to a new healthy week. God Bless and be happy each and everyone of you..Time to don my uniform and tie my apron tightly. Peace!

Apr 6, 2010

Still has the right to practice



My late husband always told me that everyone had a price. I am starting to believe he was right. This man is still licensed to practice medicine. Doctors like this make it hard for all people who need legitimate pain medicine. Thou shall do no harm is a serious oath. Who the fuck gets put under at night to go to sleep? This isn't about Michael Jackson. It's about what money can buy, even at your own harm. This doctor should be banned from touching another human being or animals for that matter.

The dreaded head cold!

Yup, congested, kleenex and miserable. Nose looks like Rudolf. My son has it, as do all the people I work with. Germs are running rampant. I spent all day in bed on my day off. Feel a little better today, thank God. I am starting to feel my age lately, which scares me as I am 43, what the hell is going to happen in 10 years??? I am pure evil when I am sick. I try to sleep through it as much as I can. This is the hardest I have worked in many years and I do believe stress can make you sick. I have been working 14 hours shifts. They are beating me up physically. So today I shall catch up on my reading and chores and tend to my sick kid. Thankfully he doesn't get as nasty as I do when he isn't feeling well. I shall be hitting all your blogs today. I can't blow my nose anymore or it will fall off. Have a great day!

Mar 30, 2010

The Sacred Day Off

Ah, I can exhale today. It was sunny all day this past week. Of course on my day off-RAIN. I don't care. I have a secret to share with you readers. I started a new med regimen. Paxil. Yup, and you know what? The stuff is working. I 'fessed up to my doctor that I have been incredibly depressed lately to the point where it is starting to interfere with my daily living. I had stopped taking all pysch meds about 3 years ago. Been through the gamut. Lithium, Depakote, Zoloft and Effexor. This is the first one that has actually made me feel "better". The problems are still the same, but I don't sit here and dwell on it anymore. I am always the first to make fun of all the new happy meds they have nowadays. Ironic huh? I just felt myself slipping into this dark hole and it was getting bad. I wouldn't say I was suicidal, but I was questioning what the purpose of life is. These feelings just wouldn't go away. I had a hard time getting ready for work. I didn't want to take phone calls. I simply didn't want to do anything. It's been one week now and I am starting to come around. The darkness is turning into light. I am starting to feel more at peace. So if taking this pink pill everday is going to help, I shall continue. I am going to cook a nice meal for dinner. I am going to try to make each day a better one. Here is to optimism and hope! Peace...

Mar 25, 2010

Thought for the day

How do I hide my hostility at work when the whole back of the house at this time does not speak English? My boss replaced 90% of the kitchen and dishroom with Latino help.. They are a beautiful people, but now my friend Mark, who is sort of in Roberts shoes, almost 50 and busts his ass at Denny's, and maybe two others are now in the minority at work, with their hours cut..Many of us are getting frustrated, but if we open our mouth, than we will be colllecting unenjoyment. It has really made me see my boss in a new light.. Not very pleased...Picking up an early shift today, so I am outta here and on my way. Be back manyana! (sp)

Mar 23, 2010

Sexy??????



Through a fellow favorite blogger, Sarcastic Bastard,http://sarcastbastard.blogspot.com/ I found this site. On this site I found this photo. I simply can't fathom what is going through certain people's mind when they take a photo such as this. This is what I do on my day off by the way. Absolutely nothing productive...

Schmatta





http://www.blowbackproductions.com/schmatta.shtml


I just sat here and cried. I just watched this documentary and I implore you to take some time out and watch it also. It's about the history of the garment industry in New York. It's about labor and politics. It's about families. The people who came here with a dream. Unions. WORK. People who took pride in their trade. Many of the men in this movie reminded me of my father. He was a plant manager of a thriving shoe factory when I was little. I remember being a little girl and going on Saturday's with my dad to work. I would sit in his office and write down numbers on a tag and than put the tags on the shoes. The smells and sounds of a big factory impressed me. My father cried when he gave out the pink slips. I was 11. The factory closed. I remember him sitting at our dining room table shaking his head and telling me, "If it's not made in America, don't you ever buy it" I solemly nodded my head, feeling that it was something very important. It was and I never forgot it. The men and women in this documentary brought me back to my childhood. When every grown-up I knew had a job. They worked for one company their entire life and retired, usually in Florida. One elderly woman in this documentary summed it up in one sentence.."A man needs to work"....I agree. How many of you grew up with the jingle "Look for the union label?" My coffee is now too cold and I am going to reheat it. Take some time out and watch this documentary. Peace!

Mar 21, 2010

It's in the air...




Been all out of whack this week...too tired to blog or anything else. I took the picture of the ferris wheel out of the car window. I feel like I am on one of those 'effing things as of late. Up,up, and up, and then, big drop down...backwards, forwards, start and stop. I am going to savor my two days off after I knock this shift out, like a delicious meal or fine wine. I want to read everyone's blogs, cook something wonderful, and CHILL.. The weather is gorgeous out. The snow is becoming a distant memory and spring is very much in the air. Kenny used to tell me all the time that there was a certain smell in the air, the aroma of spring. It was our favorite season. Spring forward. Hope. Springs eternal. Shorts and flip-flops. Flowers. Yard sales. Frozen ices. Sunshine. Cool breezes and perfect evening air. Carnivals. The gloom of winter is lifting. I am thankful! I shall hit everyone's blogs tomorrow and catch up. Enjoy the sunshine!

Mar 18, 2010

Accomplished

I worked my Wednesday dayshift and as a favor to my boss, went home, took a nap, and punched back in at 10pm and worked til 5am. Believe it or not, it did me good mental health wise. I still got it. My work ethic. That is the one thing that never leaves me. Come hell or high water, my ass goes to work. That is something I have always been rather proud of. Plus I spoke with my boss about going back to the graveyard shift. I had started there doing that, and I preferred it than, and I think I might now. So this week I am testing the waters with a new schedule. The money is better and the clientele on late night is a bit more fun. Plus I am getting home at my favorite time of day, the early am. We shall see. I believe that hard work has to pay off at some point. I am setting a good example for my son. J knows I have always worked. Hopefully it will rub off. This is the first year he has not had a little part time gig. He has mommy. I am trying to show him that I can be dependable and that he can count on me. My brother being around has helped out actually more than I thought. They go to the movies together and do "guy" stuff. My brother and I are getting close again like we used to be. That brings me comfort. I am learning not to be evil and compromise, and he is being very considerate and helpful. We both know the deal with our mother. Scott told me straight up that I am the only family he has on this planet, except for his nephew, Baggy Pants. He tells me he loves me and hugs and kisses me. He lets me grieve in my own way; for my late husband and my dog. He lets me be. I do believe he loves me unconditionally. I practically raised him.. I am 11 years older than him. We have some great memories together. We can laugh and cry together. We are also growing together. So one day at a time is the mode I am in. I am dead tired and beat, but I do feel accomplished. I also know I have a brother that loves me. I will rest peacefully today... Peace...

Mar 16, 2010

Hanging on...






I'm getting a grip. The ride spins so fast sometimes that I can hardly hang on. There have been days I just want to let go, but what that thing is that makes me hang on, won't let me. Persevere I must. Can't quit now, right? When life hands you the big shit sandwich you take a big ole bite, spit it out or swallow it, but you must go on. I need to just handle small tasks right now, nothing overwhelming. i also see my GP next week and I think I am going to start taking my Effexor again. Kenny swore that medicine made a difference. The people around me are starting to be affected by my moods. Why the hell should I be the happy clock for everyone around me? I didn't volunteer for that job. My dear mother informed me that my mood sets the tone for everyone else. Horseshitty. My mood sets my own tone, thank you. That is my mode for the week. Plus I like the word Horseshitty. Kind of rolls off the tongue.So here is to hanging on and not letting go, no matter how bad we want to..

Mar 15, 2010

The Dark Side

Every once in awhile the dark side comes through on paper. This is one of those times. Right now everything is bleak and dreary.. I am overworked, underpaid and tired. Not just sleepy tired. Life tired. I am sure if you could see my aura right now you would see shades of grey mixed with black. I hate feeling like this. Right now I hate feeling. The smart part of me tells me this too will pass. The tired part tells me that this is just a never ending painful journey, will more loss to come. Work has been horrid, money wise. My dog is gone. I miss the smell of his wet fur and his cold nose. He knew all my secrets. All his fur held every tear from Kenny's death. The bills are piling on and I don't even care. I keep wondering when "it's" going to get better. My gut tells me it's going to be quite a long time. I guess I am just tired, plain and simple. My pillows and blankets look so inviting. I want to stay there. For a long time. I need to get my mind right and out from under this money mire. Me and the hamster have alot in common. That damn wheel we share. We both run and go nowhere. Enough depressing blather for now. The bed and pillow are winning this war.

But is it????

Sanity....I'll Pass

I don't want to fit into any proper box.
We probably don't see the same, as we stare at the ink blots.
How can two people see the same thing?
What a boring concept.
I never fit into any box.
Never knew what box to check.
No matter what you see, check or don't,
You are what you are.
And that's ok, at least for me.

Mar 13, 2010

No more Auggie




Well my best friend is gone. I loved that dog like I gave birth to him. Cars and dogs do not bode well. I tell myself he is with Kenny. I don't think he liked it here. He kept wanting to run. He went for his final run. I hope he is free. The shit cycle of life just continues at the present. Coping with it all is the hard part. If I could, I would just crawl under my covers and stay there. Not in a good place today.....

Mar 11, 2010

Change and other....

Change is scary. Many of us are terrified of going out of our comfort zone. Change usually happens when you are up against the wall and you realize that whatever you are doing simply isn't working anymore, or circumstances beyond your control happen and force the change. I did a personal inventory and decided things I want to change. I know it's going to be a slow process, but it is necessary for me to be happy. I want to wake up and embrace the day instead of dreading it. I am a happy creature by nature, but lately been overwhelmed. My boss reprimanded me about overtime yesterday, yet he gave me the hours. I make $3.13 an hour, how much overhead am I really consuming? I am getting ready to make some major changes in my life, one change at a time. Kenny used to tell me about the arcs of life. My arc is now changing. I feel it. I no longer have the time or patience for stupidity. I can fake it at work, as that is my job. However in my personal life, I made up my mind I will no longer do that. It is too draining. My pleasures in life are very simple, and I don't want anything to interrupt them. That includes family members. I have an uncle who is very sick right now in California. I have airfare tucked away in case I need to fly out and see him. He is my only relative that is super special to me. Thankfully he remarried and has a delightful wife. So he is in good, safe, loving hands. That makes me sleep easier. I don't have a "bucket list" per say, but I do have my change list ready to go. There is a whole big world out there. Baggy Pants graduates May 15th, thank God. Once he graduates I am going to start exploring this world and making my changes. I will fulfill my parental obilgations, which never end,lol, but than it shall be MY time. I have a story to tell. People I want to meet face to face. Places that I have never been to, that I shall finally go.. I simply am going to start doing "me"... Here is to a new Arc in life....

Mar 9, 2010

Strung out in suburbia






That seems to be more and more prevalent these days. Soccer moms popping their phentermine. Angry moms with their Xanax. Smiling grandmas eating their percocets. Tired students popping Ritalin. Kudos to the pharmaceutical companies for finally giving the corner dope dealers a run for their money. Waitress's carrying your tray of food, with a smile and a Fentanyl patch. I don't agree or disagree. I take medication that I need or I would not be able to work. I just have noticed the shift. Most of the younger drug addicts that I used to know are now on pain management. They switched from the illegal to the legal. It's safer, more dependable and you know what you are getting. It keeps parole and probation happy too. Win win for all. I guess. A man shall never have a limp dick again, thanks to Viagra. Smilin' Bobs abound. So the Mrs. Smilin Bob takes valium at night because she thought after 50 years Bob would give it a break. I try to imagine Kenny and I at 80, him still waking me up with a woody in the early am. Hmmmm...don't know, cause I am not 80 and he is dead, but it just makes me wonder. Are my legs restless? Do I need Abilify because I do get depressed sometimes? I believe in the early times Heroin was touted as a great elixir. Women took a powder. We are a self-medicating society. That I do know. What I am wondering is, what life was like before all the wonder drugs? Have a great day...Time for my afternoon medication....

Mar 8, 2010

Sanctified...

Let's go back to church. Let's go back. Anywhere, somewhere. A place to find solace, comfort. Wherever your place might be. Find it, treasure it..I want to see the sisters swinging as they sing. I want to see the joy. It is contagious. Lately been feeling something spiritual is missing, don't know what, it is just missing. Been so damn long that I have felt this way, that I am rather surprised by what I am feeling. I want to be ready for that train. Kenny took his ride and I saw it in his face, he was ready. When the last breathe left his body, I saw it in his eyes, even though they were already "dead". He knew where he was headed I now know, and he was okay with it. The last year before he died he had gotten immensely spiritual. He used to tell me to get myself right because he wouldn't be able to protect me when that day would come. So that is another goal, I think my most important one. The soul needs to be nurtured and cared for. It is thirsty. Time for me to drink up. Cheers my mates...

The most beautiful sound in the world...

Mar 6, 2010

Speaks for itself



You know who you are....my life is really not that interesting, you have nothing to be jealous of unless being a widow with a 20 year old kid in high school living in a dump appeals to you. This is not towards any of my dear readers, but people who in my personal life who have decided they want to offer unsolicited guidance in my life. If I need it, I shall ask...Peace!

Mar 5, 2010

Night fighting





I have mentioned our cramped living space in previous posts. We now have what I call night fighting. Baggy Pants goes to bed at night and talks quietly on the phone. My brother, on the other hand, comes home and requires alot of attention. His phone beeps all night long, loud. We asked him to turn the ringer down, he says he can't as it is also his alarm clock. His new obsession is a girl I work with. He said he was going for the nice, needy girl this time. Surprise..He underestimated her. She has a nice group of friends and is not as needy as he thought. Scott thought he wouldn't get hurt if he picked the nice girl for a change. So until 4am last night the phone was beeping so damn loud. Baggy Pants is yelling at him to turn it down as he has to go to school and it is finals week. He loves his uncle. I have been banking every penny I make. I carry ten bucks in my pocket only. The rest goes in the bank. In one week I have saved $700. That is my don't touch except to move money. I was in that habit in Ga. and it worked well. So I am applying my squirrel saving nuts philosophy in Baltimore. God knows it is harder up here as my money doesn't stretch as far due to cost of living. I need peace to write and do the little things that bring me joy. So I am going to suggest to my brother that he use my trusty alarm clock that has never failed me, and turn his damn phone off after 11pm. I don't think that is unreasonable. Plus, he has yet to figure out the one thing that really matters. My dog is the real king of this castle. He better be a little bit nicer to my dog or if Auggie gives me that look, the 30 days will get shortened...lol..Have a great day..The weekend is upon me, which means the hardest part of my work week. Waiting for my Monday and Tuesday...God Bless and be well...

Mar 4, 2010

Today is a day of missing you...

It's one of those days. I realize when I turn around that you are not sitting on the couch, holding the remote. I was the computer chick, you were the t.v. dude. I miss spinning in my chair and seeing your face, the thick glasses and your salty colored hair. I miss the comfort of your presence, not talking, just being. I don't forsee me finding that anytime soon and I am not looking. My grief has turned more inward. I don't cry as much anymore. I keep you with me, privately. I still save all my dimes in your piggy bank. I have taken to sleeping on the couch again, because the bed seems much to big these days. I know you are not reading my blog, but I just want you to know that even though I no longer cry myself to sleep, I still miss you like crazy. Things just aren't the same in my world without you. I am trying, I promise, to hang in there. It was much easier when I was part of two, instead of just being one. Remember how when you used to sweat I would tell you how you smelled like glue? I miss that smell so much. I miss that little strawberry mark on the back of your head. The one I used to be careful with when I would shave your head. When someone dies, it is surprising the things you miss. It is the little things, for me at least. I put two more dimes in the bank today....

Mar 3, 2010

It's gonna be alright

Well we got denied for the apartment, but not being a quitter, I found out about Obama's make home affordable programs. They froze the foreclosure status of my mom's house that we left behind here when we moved to Ga. So now we are in negotiations to get a lower, fixed rate. The program is for people, like my mother, who got predatory loans. Kenny begged her not to sign that re-finance paperwork as he knew it was horrible. Her need for an immediate fix won over and she signed, basically away her house. We have been renting it out now for almost two years. I think this might be our best bet all the way around. It is large enough where I can throw Baggy Pants and my brother in the basement and be three floors away and left alone. So that is the next mission I am working on. That and working my behind off. I am grateful to be employed as much as I bitch about it. Jobs are scarce these days, yet I have always managed to find one. I shall not quit. In any aspects of my life. So here is to keep on perservering and never quitting. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. OH yeah, I still keep finding my dimes from heaven at the strangest times.. I have Kenny's piggy bank for all the dimes that he saved and I continue to fill it. It is sort of my way of keeping his wishes alive, and my hope alive. Peace....

Mar 2, 2010

Interesting....



Trainspotting is one of my favorite movies. I thought this poster was delightful. I guess folks across the pond aren't thrilled with their government either.

Feb 28, 2010

Babbling's

I noticed lately that I write WAAAYYY better than I speak. I don't understand. When I talk I have a tendency to go off on tangents. It's like there are all these thoughts dying to get out, and I try to verbally do that. It sounds like babble. Maybe when you write you actually have time to sit down and think through what you want to put on paper. I have been like this since a child. I have had a journal since I was about 12. Sadly I no longer have the old wire bound notebooks, but oh, I wish I did. Those journals were such a source of comfort through a crazy adolescence. Do any of you feel the same way in regard to writing your thoughts vs. speaking them? Just curious. Enjoy the weekend. Mine starts tomorrow~

Feb 27, 2010

Stress can make you sick

Well, once again, I am back to work, feeling a little better. Through lots of reading, I have discovered that stress is a huge factor in getting sick. So, I have decided to give my brother a time frame. 30 days I think is fair. We got denied for the apartment due to my mother's credit. Well at least we didn't pay for the credit check, and that gave us an example of where we stand credit wise. So my next bet is to find a private owner to rent from. There are many places to rent, with the economy being in such a mess. I moved from Georgia, with my main concern being finding employment. Did it. I found a place to live. Done. Now I would like to find more decent housing. I have found that making small goals, one at a time, that are attainable, work best, at least for me. When you make goals that are simply impossible it leads to depression and feeling hopeless like a failure. So now I make my goals realistic. It is almost spring time coming so I might try to find a job at a steamed crab house. The money selling steamed crabs is phenomenal in Baltimore. A dozen runs about $50. So your check averages are nice, especially with liquor thrown in. This is where I am at today. I feel good. Baby steps are the ones that I am taking. One foot in front of the other.. Peace....

Feb 24, 2010

The flu and other dribs and drabs...





Good morning world...got myself in a great mindset early on this am. and than the stomach and bowels went to war with each other. They won..I called out, this is a short day, but my favorite of all shifts, so I hate to miss it. Might be the mexican food I have eaten, I don't know, but I have to be near the toilet at all times. No one wants an unhappy, sniveling waitress..So today shall be spent in my bed with Eclipse, yes, I am reading the series. The books are always better than the movies. That is something I learned when I was 11. Still holds true.

I have spent the morning catching up on all my favorite blogs. There is something wonderful about the connection we have. I have never physically met any of you, but I read about your lives and wonder if you are well and ok. I learn that everyone has their own struggles and trials. I love it when great things happen in your world. Doesn't take much to bring me joy. Material things and such don't really get it these days. It is always the intangible, the untouchable, things I can't purchase, that makes me have my bright moments. So for all of you who blog, please keep writing. You might not think it matters to anyone, but you are very wrong..Your scribblings and musings do make a difference. Peace!

Feb 23, 2010

Soul-Searching....

Well the end of my two days off has arrived. Tomorrow I will be starting a new work week. I am going to try to have a new attitude to go with the week. I have applied for a new apartment today. My fingers are crossed waiting to here. I will be hopefully getting a better place. Tired of the slumlord. I have my tax refund sitting in a bank account waiting to move. Now I am just waiting for the approval. I also learned how much my privacy does mean to me. I love my brother dearly, but him staying with me has eliminated all my private time as this current apartment is totally open. He has alot of emotional problems and my patience has worn thin. He now wants to "stick" with his family. Well where the hell was he when my husband died? When our mother didn't get her SSI check for almost 5 months, where was he? Now he says he realized that all he has in this world is his family. I guess so. His friends are long gone, having used him all up. I am now becoming such a bitch and don't want to be...that is all for now...feels good to post again...

Feb 18, 2010

No time

I miss my blogging time...very much...Sadly my work is going through a personnel overhaul and I am working more than ever. I was scheduled off at 2 yesterday, didn't get home til 9pm. It's been like this for the last three weeks. So I still love and adore all of you, I simply have not had time to sit in front of my pc and write. I have been trying to keep up with everyone else's blogs as that is my favorite form of entertainment. Just popping in to say hi and let everyone know that you are not unloved or forgotten, work is just all consuming at the present moment. Next week I get my two whole days off and I can't wait!!!

Feb 16, 2010

MOJO-If you value freedom, please watch....



Mojo is the acronym for Miscarriage of Justice Organisation. The man in the video is Paddy Hill...He served 16 years in prison for something he did not do. There is a massive movement going on globally to stop corruption. Music rebounds everywhere. I have seen corruption in Baltimore. I have seen corruption in DC..We are known as incarceration nation. I have had my freedom taken from me. I was guilty however, and I did my time. I met many women who were innocent..Yes, the running joke in prison is everyone claims innocence. I met two ladies who I believe to this day are innocent. One of my favorite bands, A3, is a huge supporter of MOJO. Just remember, in the blink of an eye, your whole life could change if someone took your most precious gift, freedom. Peace!

Feb 15, 2010

Baltimore Fireman




Sorry for lack of posting. Been working 12 hours shifts, no days off. Tomorrow is the day I have been waiting for....MY ONE DAY OFF.....I am going to savor it like a fine wine or some gourmet food...Something. My snowy, shitty, city calls...going to knock out this last shift...Be well, safe and happy....I shall be working like a Hebrew slave today......

Feb 11, 2010

Employers just don't get it...

I am not an emergency worker. I am not a nurse or doctor. I am a waitress. Why than, after the govenor declared a state of emergency and forbid everything except emergency vehichles on the road, does he expect us to get to work? I do believe that the govenor has a bigger dick than a restaurant owner. I worked in the last storm. And the one before that. The snow is higher than the cars. The sad part is that the restaurant is my lively-hood. So maybe the man who signs my check is the one I will end up listening too. Plus, I really do want to get out..We have been feeding all emergency workers and they are coming in. My store owner is from Persia. He doesn't understand not working, closing and losing money. He owns two Denny's. They have both stayed open. I have worked the last two storms but am overwhelmed in this. They are even closing dialysis facilities. What do those people do? This weather has made me take into account things I have never really thought of before. One local supermarket stayed open, unmanned, and is using the honor system. Personally I think they are crazy. I would pay, but I wonder how many others will/would? Presently pissed. My child is lazy. He doesn't comprehend the severity of this. If someone had a heart attack right now in this development they would be dead. Our local firehouse burned down last night. People can't get their medication. When I was a little girl I remember a commercial, I believe it was for butter/margarine...it said "Don't mess with Mother Nature"...Those damn words have been in my head. They were true. Very true..

Feb 10, 2010

Something to warm a girl up on a cold day.....

B-L-I-Z-Z-A-R-D

We are now in Blizzard status! What's a girl to do? I feel like a dinosaur who sees the coming of the damn ice age at full speed. This snow shit is scary. Thankfully, it will be moving up north in a day or two and be gone, for the time being. Not that I am wishing this on anyone else, but I just realized that our city is not well-equipped for this weather. My New England friends keep telling me that this is typical weather for them. They can keep it. When you open your door in the am. to let your dog out and he just stands there and gazes back at you and walks away, it's bad. Auggie did a quick outing last night, but he is not budging this morning. Animals are intuitive, so I shall follow suit and stay indoors. Baggy Pants better master the art of shoveling. On the upside, the tenant Robert took advantage yesterday of the weather and shoveled out some people and made some quick, much needed cash. We took him to the grocery store where he spent every penny he made on food. He was rather pleased with himself. Said he made better money shoveling snow than washing dishes.

The free food giveaway was a huge success. Money was falling out of my apron for once and it felt so good to count it at the end of my shift. I was beat up, dirty and tired, but we gave away over 1,000 meals. I, too, took my cash to the grocery store and stocked us up for the storm. People proved me wrong. The money they usually would have spent on their meal, they handed to me. For the most part it went smooth. We did get rather slap happy at the peak time and started throwing pancakes at each other. The line was around the building. An hour and a half wait for a table. So even though I am snowed in, my freezer is full, my tips are in a cup next to my bed, enough made to compensate for a couple bad weather days. I am counting my blessings. I am now the full time provider for a hard headed boy/man. My feet are planted firmly and I am grounded. Kenny would be proud. I am missing him in this white-out. Lucky man, he hated the snow. He could drive his ass off in it, but he still despised it. I have a safe harbor that I have built on my own for me and my son. It ain't much, but it's not bad. Be safe and well.

Feb 8, 2010

The Best Day of The Week



This photo is the mountain of snow at my work!

The one and only day off. I don't know if you guys saw the tv. ads but tomorrow we are giving free food away. From 6am-2pm. you can go to Denny's and get your free grand slam. I heard last time we did it the line was around the building. It is at every Denny's. My boss was most inventive during the storm. He sent one of our regular customers out to pick me, two other waitress's, a cook and a dishwasher up. We opened and yes, there were people with cabin fever out and about yesterday. Mr. Jean drives a mail truck to deliver bulk bags from post office to post office around our city. Yesterday, if it were not for him, our store would have closed and I would be $80 lighter in my pocket. So God Bless him. I thank my dad for my work ethic. I was raised that the only excuses for missing work is death and it better be your own. I don't see much of that ethic these days. We have a manager who is phenomenal. His name is Reggie. He got snowed in at the restaurant because the owner told him not to close on Friday. He was there from 6pm Friday til 3pm Saturday after he, and the three employees dug his car out and escaped the store. I was amazed. When I explain these stories to Baggy Pants he just shrugs. He doesn't get it. I felt like saying, "Hey dumbass, I am going out in this blizzard to feed your behind"..He just knows his mother goes to work and there is food and a roof. Are all kids so oblivious? I think alot are. I am going to use this day to run some early am errands, and than take my pajama day. If you want your free meal, arrive early on Tuesday at a Denny's. Be nice to your frazzled waitress. Remember, the food is free, but we only make $3.25 an hour. For those of you in warmer climates...I hate you right now...

Feb 6, 2010

The little pleasures...very uplifting..

It's a winterfuckingwonderland!




24 inches and still snowing. My boss, being the dedicated man he is, refused to close til 8am this morning. Our poor manager was stuck there 18 hours and is now snowed in the restaurant. Thankfully D is coming to get the manager and get him home. Hopefully everyone will have cabin fever tomorrow and I will show up in the blizzard and make $$$.. I shall make the most of being snowed in today. I have a good book to read. Bad tv to watch..the only thing that would make this day perfect is if baggypants and my brother were anywhere but here. I love them dearly, but god, this is a perfect day to be alone, reflect and regroup. My brother shoveled a path for Auggie to pee. The snow is higher than him, which upset his doggie ego. He barked at it and got frustrated because that didn't work. The need to pee won, and finally his mission was accomplished. He has never seen this much snow. Now he is frolicking and having a ball.

On a human interest note, a girl I work with is pregnant. Baby number 8! Said girl is not sure who "baby's daddy" is. So we are working together and she is grouchy. I asked her what is wrong. She said she needs some dick!!! I said (on the inside)gee, haven't you had enough...on the outside I just smiled and said, "oh, ok"..I was at a loss for words. I did suggest that maybe she should get a reality show. One of my co-workers said, "who would watch"..I replied, "everyone"...because lately people will watch anything, the favorites being shows about human train wrecks. The only sitcom that I truly enjoy watching is Two and A Half Men. I think the little kid is cute. I like the relationship between the adult brothers. I watch alot of the history channel. I also admit to watching Animal Planet. I watch that show Animal Cops. I get so upset when they show mistreated animals. I have learned through my dog what loyal, wonderful companions a pet can be. They are just like an infant. 100% dependent on their human master. Many people should practise on a pet before they have a child. I know people who shouldn't even own a plant, yet they raise children. So that is what is going on in my life as of late. Tuesday we are giving out free grand slams from 6am-2pm. I don't know if that is applicable to all Denny's, but I think it is. Double check. We do it once a year. Last year we had a line wrapped around the building. Pure insanity. Hopefully the people that need it will come and get a free meal. If you are snowed in, make the most of the day. If you are not, screw you I am jealous!!! Have a great weekend. Nourish the brain, soul and spirit..

Feb 3, 2010

Snow




Yup, woke up again to more snow. It's starting to lose it's appeal.. Yeah, the first snowfall is pretty..After that, it becomes more of a pain in the ass. I don't enjoy it at all. My dog has a ball frolicking in it. Than he barks and runs in and lays next to the heater. Someone told me this is the year of El Nino. I just know we seem to be getting snow on a weekly basis. Are you a snow person? Do you enjoy scraping the windshield and de-icing them? There are always those lovely people who talk about snow and it's beauty.. I would rather see photos and paintings of snow that actually walk around in it and drive to work in it. Just my personal preference. So if you live in the northern areas and have to deal with the white muck, you have my sympathies. Now I must get ready for work and go clean off the damn car. Stay warm.,,