May 17, 2008
This is a late night for me. God smiled on me the last two nights at work and threw some cash in my apron. I have been operating strictly on faith these days. It has been working. I have 6 days till my med refills, and I am sucking it up and just dealing with the illish (not a real word) feelings. It hasn't been easy. I know one thing. I will not run out again. The strange thing is I think I am so used to being in a medicated state of mind that I almost feel out of touch with reality when I am clear-headed. Weird huh? My back is killing me, but it is a consequence I must accept for not managing my medication properly. I am blessed with a doctor who goes out of his way to keep me comfortable, but his deal is "don't show up early", and I have to respect it. So until Friday I am dealing with life on life's terms, and it sucks, but I saw it coming so I did have enough sense to start lowering my meds daily so it wouldn't be too brutal. I am a sissy girl, I like to be comfortable..If I sneeze I think I am sick..The one thing that helps me tremendously when I get like this is MUSIC. So I wake up, turn the puter on and get the java, and find some comfort with some audio relief...It works...the mind is a powerful thing. I watch the news and I see the tragedies happening on our planet right now, and think (and know) what a self oriented person I can be...200,000 people are dead and in a national disaster and I am complaining cause I have the chills and my back hurts. I am very ashamed of my mentality at times. So I know within that no matter how bad things might seem in my world, my God, it could be so much worse. That is an issue I am going to start working on, learning to be thankful...and thank you by the way to everyone who reads my babbling ramblings. It means alot to know that people I have never met, I now consider a long distance friend. A connecting thread to a strange place, a person I have never met. Yes, as I get ready to go to bed...I do believe I am thankful...
May 15, 2008
Fightin' the cash flow blues...Counting my blessings..My family...Kenny and I have been thru so much together...I don't even know where he begins and I end...we are that tight..Scary sometimes...Somedays you want to strangle a person, the next day you wrap you arms around that same individual. Love to me is a huge paradox. Love/Hate...the finest of all lines..especially after 18 years.. many hurts, much happiness, fountains of tears, the music of laughter, especially the laughter. That is what makes me sane. Do I cry or laugh? I myself prefer to laugh. Kenny is the only person on this planet who can make me smile when I am ill, unhappy or just being a mean bitch. This man has the patience of a saint. No matter how hard I push, he pushes right back. He challenges all my bullshit, and I love him very much for that. When I get too cocky he tells me to put my other head away. When I stood in front of him and swallowed 90 Xanax..he choked me, even tho I begged him to let me die. Later when I came home from the hospital I asked him, "why did you let me live"...his answer was simple.."I love you, and you will not leave me until it is your time"..This was a time when I was convinced I really didn't want to live. Thankfully that has passed. I wouldn't speak to him for a week because he had me revived. He never gives up on me. I am really not in a writing type mood, but he has been on my mind lately, honestly because I have not been the most pleasant person to be around. So even tho he doesn't read any of this, I just want him to know that I do love him, and I couldn't imagine my world any other way than as it is now.
May 12, 2008
How do you attract business? Does anyone have any decent advice? Things are not going well at my place of business. The menu is adequate, the atmosphere is better than average, well-stocked bar etc...yes, the economy sucks right now, but people are eating out. Just not where I work. The neighborhood where we are located consists of alot of seniors on fixed incomes and lower income families. Welcome to my world. Everyday I get dressed and go to work with the hopes of making a living. I made $16 off of two tables tonight. My spirits are sinking. Yesterday was Mother's Day, busiest day of the year in the business, we had a total of 4 tables..sales of $180 in food..I think the biggest issue is that we are replacing a neighborhood bar with a restaurant. We just got approved for our entertainment license, that starts June 5th..But than are we just going to become another karaoke bar, watching drunken couples singing I Got You Babe????? Can't wait, been there and done that..I have always made a decent living serving the public..How long do you wait for "it" to happen? When do you cut your losses? We had one fabulous week and than all of the sudden, poof, it died again. I am tired of shopping at the $1 Store. Would you like some fries with your happy meal?????
Spent the whole day going from one doctors office to another. The call center kept sending me to the wrong place. So after driving to three different facilities, I wound up not seeing anyone and getting an appointment to see my regular GP tomorrow. My husband is aggravated because we spent more money on gas for absolutely nothing. These days it is almost impossible to speak to a human being on a telephone. Now you spend ten minutes pushing 50 different buttons and than MAYBE if you get lucky you can talk with an actual human being. The frustration is incredible. I have been feeling like shit physically so I haven't been posting as much as I'd like too. The couch has been calling my name and I have been giving in. Buried in blankets and self pity. The restaurant has not been doing well. I go in to work so psyched to make money and it just isn't happening. Mother's Day is supposed to be the busiest day of the year and we had no business. I rang $171.00 in 8 hours. It is depressing and now it is time for me to get ready work. If I am lucky I will make cigarette and gas money...Wish me luck and please keep me in your prayers...