Okay, here is some honesty today. My husband suffers from mental illness, I believe his diagnosis is paranoid schizophrenia with some psychosis. His liver is also dying. Back to the head part. I am 41 he is 50. We have been together for almost 18 years. In the last year I have noticed a decline in his ability to cope with anything. Taking out the trash, showering, shaving, putting a dish in the sink etc. It is killing me inside to watch someone I love dying inside. When I sit down with him and try to discuss his state of being, it is everyone else's fault. From all the doctors and research I have done, mental illness only gets worse with age. Now he does have a huge medication regimen. Abilify, thorazine, xanax etc...than there is all the meds for his diabetes's and his liver. I think all of these cocktails have side effects which only increase his depression. Here is the thing. If I give him an opiate, BAM...he becomes "himself"...the man that is fun, happy, walks the dog, cuts the grass, tends his garden. I am prescribed opiate medication for pain management. It is amazing the transformation. Literally before my very eyes, he turns into the man and father that I adore with all my heart. Except for one thing...he is nuts...I cannot maintain someone on my prescription without it affecting me physically. At one point in time he had a doctor that included opiate meds with his regimen. Than he had a blow up with the doctor, and the doctor dropped him. Ever since than, since last October maybe, I have seen a steady decline in his spirit. My doctor, who was also his doctor told me that 99% of the population would not be able to handle living with him. So I guess that puts me in the lucky 1%. When all is well in his mind, he makes plans to do certain things and is focused and steady. The next day he takes to the couch for 14 hours and nothing gets accomplished. It has been three days of him being physically attached to our couch with a mass of blankets and pillows. His loss of hope is starting to affect me horribly. I cry at least once a day now. Every month in the middle when we are broke, in between SSI checks, it's the same thing. "next month I am getting on a bus and leaving"...well I am at the point today where I feel like saying "yippee"..of course I don't mean it. I have invested my life with this man. But he is getting sicker. My son and mother also are a witness to this..as I am starting to question my own sanity...Please keep me in your prayers...
Lori
