Apr 19, 2008
Good question huh??? If I only knew...things in my world would make sense, supposedly "they" say...At least my husband has a degree of mental illness, so I know where his mind is..just kidding honey...he has made peace with most of his demons...I just wish I knew how to handle the pressure cooker that most people refer to as daily life. I am on a mission to make my work successful. I like to be on a winning team. Isn't that human nature? In a work environment I think I grow a set of balls that I wish I could carry around when I punch out. We all have things we are good at- mine is the service industry. I am a huge fan of immediate gratification. Hence, the line of work I choose...Every time you cash out your check, I open that little black book and when I receive a fantastic tip, it is pure validation, and re-enforces my belief in myself. Now, if the rest of my life were so freaking simple...not!!!! Have a great day out there in blog land....
Apr 17, 2008
Today was my day off and I happened to find that video clip of Timmy, the owners' of the restaurants son. He is the one who designed the glass for the dining room and the bar and bathrooms. His art gallery/studio is next door. He is only 25 years old. I actually wasn't quite sure about how he started out until I watched the video. His family is exceptionally nice and supportive. I think it is wonderful that someone his age is making a living doing what he loves to do. How many of us can say that? Many people have artistic sides within, they just don't get the opportunity or time to discover and nurture it. I love all types of art, but this is the first time that I am starting to really discover just how much of an art-form glass blowing is. It has to be amazing to start with a hot blob of molten glass and than 5 hours later you have this beautiful one of a kind creation. Yes, I am impressed. He does quite a bit of teaching with children ie.field trips and whatnot. I was curious as to what children would make, his answer was so simple and neat. MARBLES!!! Yes, I am old enough to remember playing with them. Made me kind of wistful for the days when playing with marbles was the makings of a great day.....
Apr 16, 2008
Okay, here is some honesty today. My husband suffers from mental illness, I believe his diagnosis is paranoid schizophrenia with some psychosis. His liver is also dying. Back to the head part. I am 41 he is 50. We have been together for almost 18 years. In the last year I have noticed a decline in his ability to cope with anything. Taking out the trash, showering, shaving, putting a dish in the sink etc. It is killing me inside to watch someone I love dying inside. When I sit down with him and try to discuss his state of being, it is everyone else's fault. From all the doctors and research I have done, mental illness only gets worse with age. Now he does have a huge medication regimen. Abilify, thorazine, xanax etc...than there is all the meds for his diabetes's and his liver. I think all of these cocktails have side effects which only increase his depression. Here is the thing. If I give him an opiate, BAM...he becomes "himself"...the man that is fun, happy, walks the dog, cuts the grass, tends his garden. I am prescribed opiate medication for pain management. It is amazing the transformation. Literally before my very eyes, he turns into the man and father that I adore with all my heart. Except for one thing...he is nuts...I cannot maintain someone on my prescription without it affecting me physically. At one point in time he had a doctor that included opiate meds with his regimen. Than he had a blow up with the doctor, and the doctor dropped him. Ever since than, since last October maybe, I have seen a steady decline in his spirit. My doctor, who was also his doctor told me that 99% of the population would not be able to handle living with him. So I guess that puts me in the lucky 1%. When all is well in his mind, he makes plans to do certain things and is focused and steady. The next day he takes to the couch for 14 hours and nothing gets accomplished. It has been three days of him being physically attached to our couch with a mass of blankets and pillows. His loss of hope is starting to affect me horribly. I cry at least once a day now. Every month in the middle when we are broke, in between SSI checks, it's the same thing. "next month I am getting on a bus and leaving"...well I am at the point today where I feel like saying "yippee"..of course I don't mean it. I have invested my life with this man. But he is getting sicker. My son and mother also are a witness to this..as I am starting to question my own sanity...Please keep me in your prayers...
Apr 14, 2008
I remember you,
I inhaled your essence
it brought me out of my shell
Than you spread throughout my veins
taking me to heaven and than as a reminder
straight to hell..
Even tho I have left you behind
you are still a part of who I am today
the little whisper in my mind.
of all that could be
all that was
How hard I struggled to break free
Yet, why do I miss you?
Apr 13, 2008
Yeah, I like The Gorillaz.....The world is spinning too fast, I agree...Work was alright last night. My nice generous family came in last night, thank God. Two tables, sales of $245.00..not bad..not great.. I'm a competitive beast on the floor...I am used to sales of $800 plus a night. It is going to happen if I have to go knock on everyone's door and drag them to this place. Everyone who is coming in is a repeat customer. I used to work with this one waiter at a restaurant that shall remain nameless, we used to have sales contests, privately, he and I. One night we worked a double together and he beat me by ONE PENNY!!!.. I cried...seriously... I sold 1012.41 he sold 1012.42. I still refer to that as Black Saturday....To me being a server is one of the best jobs in the world. You come in and I treat you well, make sure you enjoy your meal and have a fabulous time, and you pay me. Sort of being a food prostitute. with no STD'S...I am glad I am an optimist. Sort of like The Field of Dreams...you build it and they will come. Just wish it was that easy...Enjoy your Sunday, make the most of the day....