Ponderings

I have been giving serious thought to what my slogan is now.  In my twenties it would have been something trite like "Sex, Drugs, Rock-n-Roll, and more Drugs".  My thirties can be summed up nicely, "Lost and can't find my way home". Ah, but I am now 45. What started out as a question in a friend's blog has been eating away at my over-analyzing brain. I am in a good place these days for the most part. I am now past the point of self-sabatoging and self-destructing when things are going well in my life.  That was a huge part of my old pattern.  Many of you will not understand the hard-wiring of a brain that has been imprinted with addiction. Soooo scared of success!  Failure is easy, immediate gratification is the theme.  We stop growing up and maturing the day we first picked up.  No wonder why so many of us are still trying to grow up.  Our peers own homes and have careers, families and even the much saught after white picket fence. We want to be terminally unique.  Than one day something happens.  The thrill is gone.  Sounds simple, but that is what really happens. We want to wake up with money for a coffee and a pack of cigarettes.  We realize that we haven't taken a trip to the ocean in eons.  Tired of cutting our own hair to save money for The Man.  Realizing that the man is driving a Lexus that we paid for as we sit at a bus stop. All the little epiphanies turn into one big epiphany. We want our parents to be happy to see us instead of looking through the peep hole wondering how much money we need. If you have lived this, you know all too well.

So I am still pondering my slogan.  I'm think of To The Moon as that is where I am aiming, but that also reminds me of The Honeymooners, so I'm still thinking.  Happy Saturday! Peace!

A bump in the roller-coaster ride....

Sorry I haven't written, life has been interfering alot lately.  First things first.  I went to take my test and in PA you have to have a physical form filled out by your doctor. I did have that, but my doctor forgot to sign it and put his DEA number on the form.  So I see the doc on Monday and Tuesday is when I rescheduled my test.  It's pure torture to have the car sitting out front and not being able to drive it, but I will not drive without a license. Too close.  I waited all this time, so Tuesday is not that far away.

This is the big bump. Jay called me two nights ago with the news that the man who rents him and two other men a room said they all had one week to get out.  He no longer is going to rent the property.  So I had to sit Tina down over lunch and explain the situation.  She is trying to get her son out of the house.  He is 21 and works at a convience store and brings home about $100 a week.  She charges him $20 a week in rent and the rest of his money goes to pot.  He has stolen both of our medications and I have let it slide.  Jay works 6 days a week from 7-7.  Plus because he works in Bmore he is going to have leave extra early as we are about 35 min from there.  I can't lie.  I know this might not be a healthy feeling but I am tickled with the thought of having him here with me again.  This will be the first time that we have lived together with me being sober. I feel like he and I can really have a good relationship together.  The problem is Tina.  She said she will agree to two months.  When we moved in here her goal was to get her son Travis out of the house.  I told her my only condition was that if Jay were ever to be homeless that he would have a place to stay. She said yes, but I can tell she isn't thrilled.  I don't want to be a bitch because I finally feel like we are on equal terms.  Her car went up and so the only vehicle we have to drive is mine. She can't afford to put hers in the shop right now.  So I am no longer dependent on anyone right now.  I don't want this to get nasty as I love my son and I do love Tina.  But if her son can sit home and smoke pot all day why can't my son live upstairs in the loft and just work and sleep?  Plus he is willing to pay $400 a month.  Jay doesn't do drugs or like chaos.  He grew up with it and worked damn hard to get away from it.  I trust him with everything. Do you think I am being unreasonable?  Sigh, another bump in the road.  Deep down Tina likes having Travis here because once he is out of this house she will be alone accept for me and her sisters and I do much more for her than any sisters she has.  So we shall see.  My son is showing up here tonight and hopefully everything will work out for the best. Say a prayer for me.  Much love to all,....Peace!

Tick-Tock goes the clock

I have been up since 4am.  Jittery and nervous as today is the day I hopefully will walk out of the DMV and be able to drive legally.  So I have been watching movies and reading every one's blogs.  I spent yesterday checking out the help-wanted ads to start the gears going for job hunting.  I am also working on trying to repair my credit.  I have a great relationship with the bank manager and he ran my credit report; not that bad.  He said within six months he should be able to get me some type of real credit card (not pre-paid).  I only want one for emergencies that come up. I found out that by paying cash for everything in my life meant that I had no credit.  Bank manager said that the only way to establish credit is to borrow money.  Rather ironic I thought.  I didn't want to be in debt so I paid for everything outright. Now that makes me a credit risk.  Sigh I wonder if Swiffer makes a mop big enough for me to clean up prior messes? 

I just wanted to thank everyone for all of the lovely and heartfelt comments I have received lately.  When I hear that I inspire another human being that really makes me feel good and it lets me know to stay on the right path.  I used to joke that I was the poster child for damage control. (Regarding sticky situations that you get in when you are living the "life")  Now, just like the posters that hang up on my wall, that one is mentally torn down and I am now trying to find a new slogan.  My friend and blogger Lou, http://justtobeisablessing,  has given me a brain challenge this morning that I am working on.  It's a great question.  Pop over there and see if you can come up with an answer.

Time to get off of facebook and re-study my PA Driver's License Manual.  I will pretend all of you are there cheering me on.  Be blessed and thrive.  Peace!

Are you ready?

I watched a great movie last night called The Adjustment Bureau on HBO.  Matt Damon and Emily Blount are the main characters.  It was wonderful. The main questions is that if your fate is predeterminded and God gives you free will, how does that really work.  I shed tears at the end of this one. I am a sissy-la-la at a good movie.  Must carry tissues. 

Free will.  I am finally discovering how powerful it is.  I have had it for my entire existence but am finally beginning to understand it.  We simple human beings make the choices that will shape our future. Sadly we make many life-changing decisions when we are not mature enough to understand the full brunt of the consequences.

I think the key word in "Free Will" is Free.  My heart is starting to not to be tight when I wake up in the morning and the impending doom feeling is replaced with interest and excitement for the new day. I have actually cut my medication cocktail in half.  I feel ok. I want to be bright-eyed and bushy tailed, not slow and slurring. I have been taking some decent vitamins and supplements.  I like the B-12.  If all goes well tomorrow when I take my driver's test my next goal is to go back to work.  I do not really want to waitress anymore.  I have business certificates and data entry certificates. What the hell?  Why not apply for a different line of work?  We all have fears of change.  Many of us would love to change jobs but are so comfortable where we currently are that we just stay. It all comes down to one thing I have discerned in my pondering.  Are you ready?  I decided.  I AM READY. Peace!