Change

My life
A contradiction
Chaos and confusion
Sunshine and joy
Needles and pain
The slow process
of healing
It never ends
Self destruction
Than my own reconstruction
I no longer want to be the thorn
or the poison ivy that spreads
to all around me
I want to be a simple white flower
My own seasons
Getting high from the early am breeze
There was a time I wished to be a poppy
Oozing sticky sap
to lick and wallow away in..
I prefer a pretty white flower

Coffee

Just one cup to start the day and suddenly a new spin on how I feel begins. It's pretty amazing. For years my ritual is coffee, cigarettes and medication. Than in about 20 minutes I can move and get up and about. I realized I am a pretty simple chick to please the older I get. It doesn't take much at all to make me happy. I am learning that " I want what I want when I want it" simply doesn't happen nor is it realistic. It has taken me 44 years of growing up to figure that one out.

How does anyone really know when they are an adult? Do you just wake up oneday and it hits you in the face like a ton of bricks? I work with mostly young people and I see the thought differences etc. I might have more life experience but does that make me an adult? These are the strange thoughts that float around in my grey matter. I'm caught in a circle. Round and round, but I'm tired of treading water. The doggie paddle of life is hard to maintain. The one thing I do notice is that there are many other people doing the doggie paddle with me. I know one thing. I'm not ready to float face down. Peace!

Yay!!!

The justice system worked on my behalf for once in my life. Now that the case is over I will write about it. In October of last year I had that house in Baltimore, and about 3 people living with me in separate rooms. 2 of the girls had drug dealers for boyfriends. Neighbors started complaining about traffic. The house is in a school zone. 3:30pm in the afternoon they raided my house. It was horrible. All the kids were getting off the buses. I think it was to show the neighborhood association that their tax money was being put to good use. Anyhow, guns drawn we all had to lay on the floor while they searched the house. The found a crack pipe in a kitchen drawer. We ALL went to jail for that. They found no drugs. It's called finding drugs and or paraphernalia in a common living area. I have no idea who's pipe it was but I had to spend 18 hours in jail. I bailed myself out as I had cash on me when arrested. Years ago I had been in they "system", parole/probation. It takes forever to get out. I finally got off of parole in 2005. That is why I waitress. I have my certificate in business/data entry and I type 103 words per minute. As soon as that background check comes back, I am sunk. Most of my legal/addiction issues were from 1996-1999. Than I would get re-arrested for violating my probation. Mine were technical VOP's...That means I didn't get a new charge. I moved and didn't notify the court of my new address. This lawyer was amazing. I got what I paid for. My next mission on earth is to get my record expunged. She brought it up as we were leaving. Apparently after three years, for $30 a case your record can be cleaned up. I am going to start working on that. The sad thing is that if I would have brought a public defender to court I probably would have gotten probation or jail time. So people without money who can't afford a top notch lawyer don't have many options when they are caught up in the system, usually due to drugs, using and or selling them. My lawyer new my judge and so on. She kept postponing my case until she could get in front of "her" judge. So that is how our legal system works. I learn something new everyday. That has been looming over my head for almost a year now. It is gone and over... I am blessed...Peace

Morning Court

Wish me luck everyone. I have to be in Baltimore County at 8:30am for morning court. I hate court. It's for a misdemeanor that happeneded at my house while I was renting rooms out. I have a paid lawyer who told me not to worry about anything but I get sick to my stomach when I have any type of court. So I will post later. If I don't things didn't go well but again, the case is supposed to get dismissed according to the attorney. Peace!

Got the blahs

Yes, I sure do. Sometimes reality just smacks you in the face when you want it to disappear. My old ways of making the blahs go away are no longer acceptable to me. Sometimes I get jealous in an insane way of how easy it is for many people to escape through chemical means. I have learned through much pain and anguish that the relief is temporary and the consequences are worse. So now when that feeling comes upon me I pick up a book, watch a movie or write. It works. I am learning that no one in this world has a perfect pain free existence. Everyone gets the blahs. I think I am finally learning how to deal with them in a much healthier way. Time to get ready for work, blah...