Mar 18, 2010


I worked my Wednesday dayshift and as a favor to my boss, went home, took a nap, and punched back in at 10pm and worked til 5am. Believe it or not, it did me good mental health wise. I still got it. My work ethic. That is the one thing that never leaves me. Come hell or high water, my ass goes to work. That is something I have always been rather proud of. Plus I spoke with my boss about going back to the graveyard shift. I had started there doing that, and I preferred it than, and I think I might now. So this week I am testing the waters with a new schedule. The money is better and the clientele on late night is a bit more fun. Plus I am getting home at my favorite time of day, the early am. We shall see. I believe that hard work has to pay off at some point. I am setting a good example for my son. J knows I have always worked. Hopefully it will rub off. This is the first year he has not had a little part time gig. He has mommy. I am trying to show him that I can be dependable and that he can count on me. My brother being around has helped out actually more than I thought. They go to the movies together and do "guy" stuff. My brother and I are getting close again like we used to be. That brings me comfort. I am learning not to be evil and compromise, and he is being very considerate and helpful. We both know the deal with our mother. Scott told me straight up that I am the only family he has on this planet, except for his nephew, Baggy Pants. He tells me he loves me and hugs and kisses me. He lets me grieve in my own way; for my late husband and my dog. He lets me be. I do believe he loves me unconditionally. I practically raised him.. I am 11 years older than him. We have some great memories together. We can laugh and cry together. We are also growing together. So one day at a time is the mode I am in. I am dead tired and beat, but I do feel accomplished. I also know I have a brother that loves me. I will rest peacefully today... Peace...

Mar 16, 2010

Hanging on...

I'm getting a grip. The ride spins so fast sometimes that I can hardly hang on. There have been days I just want to let go, but what that thing is that makes me hang on, won't let me. Persevere I must. Can't quit now, right? When life hands you the big shit sandwich you take a big ole bite, spit it out or swallow it, but you must go on. I need to just handle small tasks right now, nothing overwhelming. i also see my GP next week and I think I am going to start taking my Effexor again. Kenny swore that medicine made a difference. The people around me are starting to be affected by my moods. Why the hell should I be the happy clock for everyone around me? I didn't volunteer for that job. My dear mother informed me that my mood sets the tone for everyone else. Horseshitty. My mood sets my own tone, thank you. That is my mode for the week. Plus I like the word Horseshitty. Kind of rolls off the tongue.So here is to hanging on and not letting go, no matter how bad we want to..

Mar 15, 2010

The Dark Side

Every once in awhile the dark side comes through on paper. This is one of those times. Right now everything is bleak and dreary.. I am overworked, underpaid and tired. Not just sleepy tired. Life tired. I am sure if you could see my aura right now you would see shades of grey mixed with black. I hate feeling like this. Right now I hate feeling. The smart part of me tells me this too will pass. The tired part tells me that this is just a never ending painful journey, will more loss to come. Work has been horrid, money wise. My dog is gone. I miss the smell of his wet fur and his cold nose. He knew all my secrets. All his fur held every tear from Kenny's death. The bills are piling on and I don't even care. I keep wondering when "it's" going to get better. My gut tells me it's going to be quite a long time. I guess I am just tired, plain and simple. My pillows and blankets look so inviting. I want to stay there. For a long time. I need to get my mind right and out from under this money mire. Me and the hamster have alot in common. That damn wheel we share. We both run and go nowhere. Enough depressing blather for now. The bed and pillow are winning this war.

But is it????

Sanity....I'll Pass

I don't want to fit into any proper box.
We probably don't see the same, as we stare at the ink blots.
How can two people see the same thing?
What a boring concept.
I never fit into any box.
Never knew what box to check.
No matter what you see, check or don't,
You are what you are.
And that's ok, at least for me.