Feb 6, 2008
Just got back from the pharmacy to pick up the rest of my pills. I am really going to try to cut back on my Xanax, simply because when I run out I feel so crappy. And I am prescribed 2mgs. 3x a day. I only eat one a day, two at tops. They say benzo dependence is no joke. I don't need anymore addictions in my life. I have already cut my dose of methadone way down, and am just getting used to that. Probably why I have been such a bitch these past weeks. I don't like dealing with life on lifes terms. It takes alot of getting used to. At least work is going well. That is the only area of my life where I feel good about myself. I have a sense of purpose. Don't feel much like writing today..maybe tomorrow or later...
Feb 4, 2008
It is crappy out today, rainy and cold.. .Blah...Things went great with my doctor. He is so nice, It is a damn shame that seeing him is the high point of my month. He gave me some actual sage advice and it was so truthful it hurt and made me cry. He was spot on. I told him that Kenny and I were separating and he said that was the best news that I have told him. He said that my husband has mental illness so bad that 99% of the population couldn't handle it, which is why he dropped him. He said that it isn't that Kenny is a bad person, it is just that he is a very manipulative, controlling person who only brings negative influences in my life. I haven't been able to shake what he has said. Hearing the words from an objective third party sometimes has more weight than from a close friend or family member. He said if we had small children his advice might be different, but we have no small children and no assets and it could be such a clean simple break. Sometimes, these are his words, he said you have to look at a situation and say, I have given everything I had, invested all my time and energy and it simply doesn't work anymore. It was just the way he stated it.. So clear and direct. He asked me to think long and hard about where I want to be in 20 years. Scary thought, for me anyway. Does anyone really know where they want to be in 20 years? Anyhow...work has been pretty cool...I met a girl at work, Vicki, who is a blast to work with. I like to have fun at work, might as well make the most of my time. I have some big decisions to make soon and I know it. I am a big procrastinator with anything that isn't enjoyable.. I am a true hedonist. Not always a good thing in life.