Jun 23, 2012

Things have been going rather well and than I called the formidable place we all know and love.  The Department of Motor Vehicles.  Seems to be that if your license has been expired for longer than 6 months you have to start all over again with your Learner's Permit.  Thankfully you don't have to log the student hours etc.  I can go back the following week and get my regular license again.  All the damn money I used to piss away on drugs I could have paid my fines 80 times over again and than again and again etc.  I try not to think about that fact and be thankful for the car that is parked out front.  The DMV doesn't give you tags without insurance which you need your license for.  Thank God for Jay.  He went ahead and did all that in Baltimore for me so my car can sit out front with a set of tags and not get towed.  So Tuesday is DMV day and I shall get my permit. I took Jay and his friend out to grab some food and we talked and than I hugged him and I genuinely thanked him for all his help.  I like to think that we have come to a point where we are living in the here and now and not in the past. 

Alot of you have children who are/were addicts.  I have an older son who fits those shoes.  Than there are those of us who tried to be parents while we were addicts.. The guilt is astounding.  Jay is a healthy eater, non-smoker and has good morals.  I think he saw the wrong way to live  and it made him that more determined to do better.  I am so very thankful that he is becoming a man that I am proud to call my son.  The guilt however doesn't go away.  It is my price for making bad choices. I don't know if it ever will be gone.  I do know with each hug and trip he makes to visit me it assuages the wounds. There is no giant eraser in life.  Just change. This time the changes I made to live a decent life are being rewarded.  His love is my gift and a daily reminder as to why I don't go backwards. Peace!

Jun 18, 2012

Father's Day Weekend

Stanley, Jesse, Me
 Uncle Carl and Aunt Marcia

My dad, Stanley, was heavy on the mind this past weekend. He was a very blunt, honorable and loving man.  He passed away in 2005.  He had struggled with obesity since his late 20's.  I remember as a child being embarrassed by this big, gregarious man.  He always raised the bar high.  Myself and my younger brother were taught that we could be doctors, lawyers, and of course, even president.  I am adopted, my brother is biological.  We are 11 years apart.  My dad always told me I was special because I was hand-picked at 4 months.  He was there for me through the good, the bad and the superbly ugly.  No matter how I was living I knew he loved me.  Might not have liked me very much for a certain time in my life, but he loved me.

I made my amends with dad about a month before he died with a very long and honest letter.  It was probably the most heartfelt "piece" I have ever written.  My son and late husband stood in the room when they unplugged him.  I was incarcerated.  I was released the day after he died.  The best feeling I remember having is that he read my 4 page letter before he died.  His wife told me that he had tears running down his face as he read it.  We parents sometimes need absolution from our children.  I gave him that.  I am now getting my own absolution from my children, especially my youngest Jay.  He told me this past week that the way I "look out" for him really pleased him.  Those are his words.  Well the way he looks out for me now is my absolution for not being parent of the year during certain times in our lives. My dad would be proud.  May all the men who are father's just continue to be there for your child/children.  It matters.  Peace!