Breathe easy and inhale the coming day...

These are the moments I live for. The little ones are huge to me. The moments when my patient is resting and at ease, I sneak in the moments for myself. The dog and I with the camera. Going to work and laughing and forgetting illness, at least for a period of time. My inner core of strength has actually been quite the surprise. I can do this. I will do this. The beauty of being a human being is our capacity to adapt and adjust. It's a beautiful thing. i have my health, family support and my sanity,( I think, lol) Going to get through this day and the next one after that. Not to be trite, but one day at a time my friends.

Freddie Mac executive dies at his own hand

I just read about the suicide of the acting chief finanicial officer of Freddie Mac. Suicide is something I can understand in one sense, but I don't think I could actually do. I feel empathy for the family of the man who died. I also remember reading about many other suicides from the average joe's in the US who turned on the carbon monoxide in their garage because their home was being foreclosed on. I think at the end of the day when you are alone with the mirror it doesn't matter what zipcode you live in.

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The scene this morning outside David Kellermann's house. (Gerald Martineau - The Washington Post )



Who's Blogging» Links to this article
By Zachary A. Goldfarb and Jonathan Mummolo
Washington Post Staff Writers
Wednesday, April 22, 2009; 2:51 PM

The acting chief financial officer of troubled mortgage giant Freddie Mac was found dead in his Fairfax County home early this morning after apparently committing suicide, Fairfax police said.

This Story
Freddie Mac Official Dead in Apparent Suicide
CFO of Mortgage Giant Dead, Suicide Suspected
David Kellermann, 41, was a longtime Freddie Mac executive who joined the firm as an analyst in 1992. He lived with his wife and young daughter in a stately red brick home in the upscale Hunter Mill Estates subdivision in the Vienna section of Fairfax.

Officers were called to the home by someone inside the house at 4:48 a.m., police spokesman Eddy Azcarate said. Kellermann's body was found in the basement.

Police sources told The Washington Post that Kellermann hanged himself and that his wife found his body and called police. They said he did not leave a suicide note.

County police spokesmen would not confirm those details, saying only that it was "an unattended death" and that there were no signs of foul play. The body has been taken to the office of the medical examiner, who will make a formal ruling on the cause of death.

Kellermann was named acting chief financial officer of Freddie Mac last September, after the federal government seized Freddie Mac and ousted its top executives. It is a highly demanding job closely scrutinized by the company's regulator.

My secret morning escape

Yup, this is me after my morning walk with Auggie. The mosquitos are so damn bad that is why I have a tiki lit with citronella. Doesn't work, but between the spray on Off and that, I am making an effort to not get eaten alive. Yes, that is a cigarette hanging out of my hand. Sorry, I just started wearing the patch, but I must confess to enjoying that am smoke with my coffee. I am learning to savor my moments of peace and making the most of them. I even laugh from time to time. I now know that just because someone you love has cancer doesn't mean the world stops. The curtains must be opened to let in the sunshine. In order to spread good cheer, I have to be somewhat happy. In my family, for some reason, my mood has always been the gauge of the rest of the households mood. My family sufferes horribly when I go through PMS, but other than that, I think I do pretty well holding the fort down and being a ray of sunshine even when it is thundering and pouring rain outside the house and inside my soul. I take the best parts of each day and just make the most of them. What else can one do? Bitterness and anger just doesn't suit my disposition. I'm a million different people from one day to the next, so boring is not an applicable word in my life. Lately I believe we all have a mold that is shaped just for us. I can't change the mold but from years of wear and tear it does bend and flex just enough to adapt. That is all I ask.

Sheeps, wolves and God

Strange thing happened yesterday. There is a huge baptist church right down the street from our little hut. Well the main pastor pulled out front to speak with out neighbor. She wasn't home. Guess who's door he than knocked on? Yup, mine. He came upstairs and grabbed Baggy Pants and we all sat and prayed. I don't be live in chance happenings in life. Too cynical. According to this pastor, God mixes the bad and good for the ultimate purpose of self-betterment. We might not understand the intent or purpose at the time we are going through our trials and tribulations, but there is supposedly a higher meaning. I admit to feeling comforted by this man of the cloth. He than gave a little speech about how we are like sheep, and that as everyone knows sheep aren't the brightest animals and need to be herded and guided, for their own good. I see sheep mentality everyday in my life. Only sheep would have allowed the current goings on in our current world situation. We trust in our herder, the President or whoever is in charge. I beg to differ about sheep mentality when I get my mouth on the phone with people in charge of the red tape, trying to fight about the jurisdiction of cancer treatment. I turn into a rabid wolverine who must protect her family. Don't spoon feed me false words that I have the intelligence to know are false. Yeah, there are quite a few sheep out there, but I have to believe in my heart that there are enough wolves willing to fight the good fight for the betterdom of the society in which we live in. When my fangs spring out, at least I make no false pretense, unlike certain government people who just continue to be wolves in $3,000 suits and go to the dentist to get their fangs nice and pretty for the press. Perception is reality. I perceive that I am going to win this fight about treatment. Power to all the people who still believe.

Staying level in unbalanced times

I am getting my rhythm back. Some people thrive in uncertainty, chaos etc. Not I. Those days are far away. I need a steady rhythm, just like a heartbeat. Structure and being on point in my life work. Different strokes for different folks. I have til Thursday morning to be the full time provider of care, than my "patient" gets re-admitted to the hospital for a period of time to start the radiation. My work has been wonderful and accommodating. I am taking 3 days a week off to drive to Augusta and spend time up there being the cheerful visitor and provide some light through the gloom. I go insane without a game plan. Now I have one and the chest pains are loosening up a tad. My dog is my numero uno buddy. He is the best listener. We go for our morning strolls in the early am and that is when my world falls in order. As we stroll. The dog seeking out new scents, me seeking peace. The walk is for both of us. This situation made me ponder this point. How many couples of this generation get married and truly understand what for better or worse actually means? I have doubt. I am a loyal human being. If a bottom needs wiping, it gets wiped. That is what you do for someone you love. I look at the young ones that come into my work, the newlyweds still glowing from having sex 5 times a day. They are in the "for better" stage. I just don't see young people having the wherewithal that my generation and up has. The stick to-it-ness. So many of us in the 40 and up club are blessed. I wouldn't trade the era I grew up with for anything. I am a good, loving person. I have compassion for others. Those qualities are sorely lacking in this new breed. Ah, the aspirator is calling and chores abound before I go to work. After today I am off til Friday. Time to make these last days at home comfortable and nice before the re-admission. Kudos to anyone in the nursing field. I have a brand new respect for nurses. They should get medals, especially those who work in chronic care. Peace Out.