Aug 22, 2008
Do you believe people have the ability to change once they are over 40? Or are you of the opinion that a leopard never changes it's spots? I deal with a partner who has serious mental health issues. Everyday becomes a surprise as I never know what drama I am going to wake up dealing with. So many drug cocktails, each with the promise that this is going to be the ONE. The good days are not even fun anymore as I am still dealing with previous hurts from the day before. It is tiring always being the strong one. I like consistency in my life. Kenny does his best to stay to himself on his bad days. I give him credit. He knows when he isn't "right"..It is just wearing thin on my nerves. I am only human, ya know? Just makes me feel better to write it down.
Aug 17, 2008
As a lover of the written word, novels, poetry, fiction, autobiographies etc, it saddens me to see so many people who simply don't read anymore. Books have always been treasures to me. Once you get lost in the words you can almost live vicariously through the author. I remember when I was 12 reading Judy Blume novels. That and I was a secret Playboy reader. My dad used to leave them in the bathroom for our reading pleasure on the commode. I used to hope and pray that I would grow up and be large breasted and sexy just like those centerfold girls. That is how I learned about my vagina. So many kudos to Hugh Hefner for providing me with the gift that my body is special. I have yet to see my son lounging in bed reading a novel. Saturdays for me as a child were about going to the library and coming out with stacks of books up to my chin. I get rather melancholy, knowing that my love of the paperback, hardback or even a magazine is the one thing my son and and I will never share...
Today I had the discussion about "The Arcs of Life"...My husband is going to be 51 next month and I will be 42 in December. He believes that with every decade comes a new arc of life. Now mind you I must put a disclaimer here that he does suffer from mental illness, he has papers and everything...anyhow. I agree that we all have different points and periods in our life. I told him that I have a need to work full time, to get out of the house. His depression is overwhelming at times and I need to do something positive, plus the extra money would be a huge help. Sometimes it isn't always about love. I am hoping to lead by example. I am hoping that me being goal oriented and positive will be an inspiration. This is a man who on a good day will make numerous plans, and than follow thru on none. I just know that ultimately I will be responsible for myself. I still have many years of work left in me and I don't want to waste them. Yes, his arc might be different than mine, but I totally understand the worries about aging etc. After 18 years I get it. I also know that in order for me to be totally happy I have to find something fulfilling to do with all my spare time. Sure, I would love to write the next great novel, but realistically dreaming about that isn't paying the bills. So at this current "arc" in my life it shall be about accomplishing the goals I set out for that are attainable.