Keepin it brief

Too much to post before I have to get ready for work. The next day after I came home from the hospital Kenny got the bright idea that he didn't feel well and went in town to get some dope. I won't touch that shit anymore. All of the sudden I hear him pounding around in the bathroom and low and behold he OD'd. face down and blue on the bathroom floor. Long story short, now his ass is in the same hospital I just checked out of. They admitted him. I am determined while he is there to get him some treatment, he needs to get back on a stable dose of methadone. We went and saw him last night, and he was so damn weak, we brought him some food..He just realized early this morning it was there. I am going back up their when I get off of work. What I don't understand is that the last two times he has shot heroin he has literally almost died. From such small amounts and the dope isn't that great. I think his system has basically had it. I told him a long time ago, that I was done with fucking around. When I think of dope, I do remember that nice womb like feeling, but I mostly remember being deathly sick all the time. Not for me, and part of me is very angry with him for doing what he did. His was unintentional, mine was intentional. God only knows which one of us is sicker.....post more after work...

Bleary eyed with a swollen tongue

How strange shit can be. Two nights ago me and my girlfriend went out to visit some cellphone places cause I am thinking about switching plans. Somehow we wound up at a dope/crack house in East Baltimore. Than I wound up at home, fought with the husband, swallowed a handful of pills and woke up in the hospital. Unfuckingbelievable. I checked myself out yesterday, Kenny did save my life, sometimes I wonder if I am worth saving. The stupid shit I do is simply that stupid. He told me I am not taking the easy way out. There has been just so much bullshit going on lately that it is overwhelming at times. I know deep down inside I don't want to die, but there are just these days where it does cross my mind. Head is still fuzzy...post more later

Early Monday morning...

This is the love of my life..Auggie...my lovely dog...We still don't know what kind of dog he is, everyone thinks he is a pitbull, but I don't see it. When we got him from this dope house he was so small I stepped on him. Not anymore. The dog is probably the sanest one in my house. Well yesterday was a shitty day for my pocket. At the end of my shift, the drawer I share with the older waitress was $28 short, and guess who paid it? Yup, me..Due to the fact that she is old and only comes in to work the counter, I felt bad so I sucked it up, despite pissing my husband off, and paid the whole thing. So after giving my husband some money, and paying that I had a whopping $44 left. I have to get another job. I work part-time to supplement our income. My husband gets SSI, so the weekend money is groceries and cigarettes. But I have waitressed for almost 20 years now, and there is something called pride, which, although it does come before the fall, I do have. I can't stand to go to work and walk out with under $100. I think that is a reasonable goal, for a weekend waitress neighborhood diner. So I had to go to Wal-Mart with my mother, herein referred to as The Wacko...and spend $20 on a few things and save the other $20 for The Script this morning. Ah yes, the lovely Xanax script. Where would we be without pharmaceuticals? Well, I know where I would be, probably buying illegal drugs, but no, not anymore. I take my methadone like a good girl, and my Xanax to quell that raging beast that lives within my brain. The beast, or henceforth referred to as The Monster...is quite a powerful being, capable of accomplishing many horrible, exciting things, mostly spending all of our bill money within an hour. I have quelled TM's craving for heroin and opiods (not really, just take them as prescribed now)...but still TM has issue's with cocaine, crazy? I hate cocaine..Not TM.. he loves it, and before I know it I am sitting alone, looking stupid, no money, and TM is just sitting there laughing at me. So right now I am doing a pretty good job at making TM sleep and stay out of Kenny's wallet. He hurts my family, and the guilt afterwards is horrible. So instead I swallow my Effexor like a good wife should, take my meds and try to be a good person. The Wacko has no clue as to the fact that TM still rears his head on occasion, she lives on her own planet...her planet is a strange one..Only she exists and yet everything is everybody else's fault. Imagine that? Try sharing a house with her. I love her, yet I know she will never change. The bitterness will always be there, always has been...so I feel sorry for her, but the older I get I realize some things change and some things don't. She "don't"...and that is all for now because I can't sleep, no benzos, so time to watch the clock and putter around the web...If anyone reads this, do you feel like I do...(no, I am not quoting Peter Frampton)...