Going offline

The truck is here. Time to go in the early am. tomorrow. Scared, unsure, but did find a job. So hopefully I shall be back online Tuesday or Wednesday. The stretch of 95 is long and tiresome. I will be all beat up by the time we get there. So I will mess everyone of you who has been keeping up with my life journey. Shall let you know as soon as I am wired up and all is well. I care for everyone of you and wish you nothing but the best, peace and happiness.

Love,

Lori

Thinking about you....

I knew you,
and you me.
The recklessness of youth,
swimming naked in the still of the night under the moonlight.
Trying not to splash or make a sound.
Those were the days when your testosterone ran rampant.
I learned what it meant to be a woman, in all ways.
The lavender carpet in our first house.
The nice, heavy drapes from Sears.
I remember as your six pack melted away with my cooking.
You realize I never cared.
I remember you Fred Flintsone feet.
I loved those thick toes of yours.
I remember how hard Jesse tried to emulate everything you did.
You were his hero.
I believe you still are.
We are alone.
I am scared.
The photo of us I carry in my wallet.
Yeah, I talk to you.
Do you hear me?
I am fighting the powers that be on your behalf.
Out of love.
You deserved so much better than what you got.
I miss giving you a bath, with your manly body wash.
Trying to cheer you up, and give you the dignity of smelling fresh.
Shaving your face and bristly beard.
In your sickness I wanted you to have comfort and pride.
I have so many photos that reflect "us".
I shall choose to keep those in my eyesight.
To move forward.
For you, for Jesse and for me.
I just wish the ache will ease.
The price of loving you for so many years
is the cost of missing you.

Sleep evades me...

Nerves are a jitter. Change is coming. My belongings and little treasures are in boxes. Try finding your favorite bra after you have already packed it. I have watched numerous bad movies on late night cable. I am too embarrassed to name them. Back to the land of the chilly and non-fake. I can't wait. There are no 7-11's here. That alone is upsetting to me. I am also nervous because men are starting to express interest in me, and I honestly don't know how I feel about that. Yes, it's flattering, but I really don't think I am ready yet for a companion. So far my dog's company seems to be keeping me rather happy. I know life can be whatever I choose. I am alone for the first time in many moons. It's scary and liberating at the same time. What to do? I am a firm believer in putting one foot in front of the other and seeing what happens. I want to thank everyone who reads my online journal and offers me advice, support and encouragement. I will be unplugged sometime Saturday and back online Tuesday, if all goes as planned. The night sky is beckoning me to get in bed, but I have read that when you can't sleep, to get up and move around for a bit. I try not to be dependent on sleep aids. If I see one more commercial for Extenze or other male enhancements I shall break my television. They now have a female version I have learned due to lack of sleep. Why are these infomercials invading my late night cable? I have found that when it gets really bad I resort to Animal Planet. Remember to kiss the ones you love today, and really mean it. Sometimes when the insomnia gets really bad I grab an old shirt of my late husband and wrap it around a pillow. That usually will do the trick. Comfort comes in many forms. Everyone have a blessed day. Again, love the ones your with. Life can change in the blink of an eye.

My occasional life question

Why does misery love company?

Why is packing so 'effing hard?

This is making me crazy. What to keep, what to throw away, etc. I hate it. Thank God I am not a hoarder or I would really be in trouble. The one thing I can never part with are books or photos. They are my treasures. I love looking at the old black and white's. Seeing the faces that are now much older and have changed. The innocence of youth, before life erases it. My own personal vanity when I look at pictures of me in my early twenties and than gaze in the mirror now. Not bad, but not the same. My photo album means more to me than my jewelry box. Crazy huh? Saturday is approaching quickly and I am a procrastinator,so now I am running around like a crazed headless chicken. I only procrastinate when it involves doing things I hate.

Oh yes, I now have my own legal dream team. The war is now beginning. I am going to be a good soldier and fight til the end. Kenny's own private GP is testifying against the VA. I was pleasantly shocked. He said he has no problem with malpractice. He just doesn't like insane punitive damages. The VA was very rude to this doctor. So I guess he is going to be legally rude back. It made me feel better. Knowing that I am not crazy and that this is a worthy battle. So I am packing and being a paralegal. Quite busy. Now to just get the long drive north over with and get back to work, somewhere, anywhere. Glad I saved my winter coat, scarver and gloves. Peace!

Sucker for a good love story

I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared
But no one would listen, 'cause no one else cared
After my dreaming, I woke with this fear
What am I leaving when I'm done here?

So if you're asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest, don't be afraid
I've taken my beating, I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through
I've never been perfect, but neither have you

So if you're asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

I can't be who you are

I know The Twilight movies are geared for a younger crowd, but a good love story is timeless. The lyrics to this song could be my going away poem to my son.

Dead Man Walking

Another sleepless night. Got the "official" letter from the VA. LIES. The whole thing. Kenny was a dead man walking in the halls of that hospital. I am so angry I can't sleep. Four neatly type written pages of lies. Oh and of course, condolences. My ass!!! The part that got me was how proud he was of his new pacemaker. He kept joking he had a million dollar heart. The fourth page of the letter states how he didn't want a new one after they removed the infected one. A bold faced lie. They were supposed to switch sides. I can't begin to explain how many contradictions there are as I will get physically ill. So because I am a tenacious bitch, I am now moving up the chain of command. Congress is next. The truth was all I wanted, with perhaps an apology. Since they lied and are playing nasty, I have nothing but time and lots of paper and pens. I have been trying to be positive and am starting to get excited about the move. Plus, I will be closer to DC. When people serve this country, it seems that once they are all used up and old, the hospital is like a glue factory for old horses. There are alot of wonderful programs the VA has. This particular time they failed. What is so hard about saying "We goofed"? I don't want your money. I want accountability. I have a flag and some ashes and great memories. Hoo Rah!!! A dear blogger friend had me prepped for the letter to be full of lies. Thanks for the warning. You were right.

The early am. walk

Jesse and I did our early am. walk. I took these two photos. It really is beautiful here. There is this one little house on the side of the road. It looks like a doll house. If I didn't have enough stuff to pack and take I would grab this house off the roadside and take it to Baltimore with me. It is just unusual. We are shoving off early Saturday am. Got the truck ready to pick up Friday. God has blessed me and enabled me to get the funds together. It hasn't been easy, but good will and grace has prevailed once again. Just wanted to share these two photos. The still of Sunday morning in the Bible Belt.