Jan 12, 2008

Time to sling some hash...

Well I am up bright and early, trying to get motivated to get to work at 7am. Just took my methadone and Xanax and trying to get mentally "there" to be nice for 8 hours and wait on the lovely folks from Dundalk. I do enjoy quite a few of my customers, it's just the usual bullshit. Yes, I am exceptionally cranky lately and I am trying to fight it. I got sent home last Sunday because the lady who runs the shifts on the weekends said I looked "overmedicated"...which in all honesty I think I was more tired than anything, but I should have known you can't take alot of methadone and Xanax when you only have had two hours sleep. I could feel my eyes rolling upwards into the back of my head a few times, it's weird, if we are busy it doesn't affect me at all. But if we are slow, than it's a whole different ballgame. That's why I always try to stay moving. Plus I cut my dose down this week just to be safe. I am the newest one there, and I only have 2-3 shifts a week. We really can't afford for me to miss those shifts as that is our extra pocket money through the week. So I am sucking it up and lowering my dose. I really do prefer dealing with the public nice and medicated, as I have found most people in the restaurant business do. Pick your poison...I have worked in restaurants for almost 20 years and every one of them has quite a few employees who have some form of addiction or another. I remember years ago, I was the best waitress on the floor, yet no one knew I was in the bathroom shooting up between tables. Speedball queen.....alas no more...just take my meds like a good addict and go about my business. At least pills don't leave track marks, right?

Jan 11, 2008

New day, new blog, not many drugs,,,,

Well this is my first post on my new blog. I had started a myspace blog, but I really couldn't be honest, as too many people know me and yet there are things that I don't want them to know. I am 41, live in Baltimore Md. I have struggled with addiction for so many years, right now I am currently doing only my prescription drugs, methadone and Xanax. I have been on pain management for almost 3 years now. It is working, but I think simply you get to the point in your life where after the rehabs, prisons, losing everything you simply retire from the life of ripping and running and street drugs, and concede and switch to legal, prescription drugs to maintain some kind of sanity in your life. That seems to be what I have seen as I get older. In my twenties I was a balls to the wall kind of girl, well now that I just turned 41 my balls seem to have shrunk, quite a bit. It has taken me 10 years to get out of the legal system, with all the paroles and probations. Yay!!! I saved my green parole card and put it in my scrap book, as it was the first time I ever successfully completed parole. I give kudos to all the people who can stay straight in NA, but I have never made it with out opiates, and now on top of that, the benzos. I do pretty good at managing my meds, except for the first day I get them filled. Then I become Xanax, princess warrior, with my methadone sword...and god does it feel good. Than the rest of the month I take them as directed, pretty much...and do the daily grind of life. I don't know if anyone is ever even going to read this, but I just need one place where I can be honest and express all the weirdness in my mind. Here is to a good start....