May 8, 2009

The sun rises again..

Just for today things are stable, my loved one back at home, comfortable and at peace.Thankfully this doc believes in keeping cancer patients out of pain. To quote John Prine, "But the morphine eased the pain, like a thousand railroad trains". I do not believe in seeing someone suffer needlessly. Comfort comes when you are sick being in your own home, your own bed, with your loved ones for support. Hospitals to me are like a form of jail for sick adults. You lose your personal freedoms. Dignity. Our country is ill-prepared for all of the aging baby boomers that are now becoming seniors. You know the signs of when you are an aging American. You get your AARP card. Than you get their magazine, so you can see how wonderful other seniors are doing. You get offered a senior coffee at McDonald's. Ah, the bounty that awaits our aging. Pfft!!! I am 42, somewhere in the middle. I must admit to being a tad scared of what awaits me as the numbers get higher. I wonder how much a senior coffee will cost in 25 years. Have a good day, one and all.

May 5, 2009

The need to write the words I can't say

I have been going through a personal hell as of late and just haven't felt the need to write. I need to write. The other night I was awoken to choking. There was blood everywhere. The trach had collapsed. There were literally pieces of tumor/tissue coming out of someone that I have loved since I can remember. So back to the hospital we go. This is the second trach that has been put in, in the last three weeks. Maybe the body is rejecting a foreign object? No one has any answers. I am beyond frustrated. I am watching this disease age another human being quickly, daily. My new battle is shuffling paperwork. The state of Georgia is huge, so they outsource alot of treatment to the area in which you live. I signed all the right papers. I called all the right people. I need the radiation to start yesterday. I got pulled into an office yesterday and was spoken to about advanced directives, and getting power of attorney. This person is no longer capable of making their own decisions. It is heartbreaking. The light, fire, and wit, is no longer visible, except for brief moments. Power of attorney of another human being? That is a huge responsibility. I am breathing slowly and trying to handle each crisis in small steps. I gaze at the lake. The lake ripples but is always calm. I wish I was a lake.