May 5, 2009

The need to write the words I can't say

I have been going through a personal hell as of late and just haven't felt the need to write. I need to write. The other night I was awoken to choking. There was blood everywhere. The trach had collapsed. There were literally pieces of tumor/tissue coming out of someone that I have loved since I can remember. So back to the hospital we go. This is the second trach that has been put in, in the last three weeks. Maybe the body is rejecting a foreign object? No one has any answers. I am beyond frustrated. I am watching this disease age another human being quickly, daily. My new battle is shuffling paperwork. The state of Georgia is huge, so they outsource alot of treatment to the area in which you live. I signed all the right papers. I called all the right people. I need the radiation to start yesterday. I got pulled into an office yesterday and was spoken to about advanced directives, and getting power of attorney. This person is no longer capable of making their own decisions. It is heartbreaking. The light, fire, and wit, is no longer visible, except for brief moments. Power of attorney of another human being? That is a huge responsibility. I am breathing slowly and trying to handle each crisis in small steps. I gaze at the lake. The lake ripples but is always calm. I wish I was a lake.


the walking man said...

I have no medical answer as for why but now is the time for steel.

Difficult questions need be answered including power of attorney, advanced directives and yes hospice care. Hospice if there is one in the area is the very first call you should make Lori. do this not because death is imminent but rather because the hospice people WILL have answers about who and how and they will help you through this, regardless of the outcome.

Breathe Lori, look at the lake and breathe.

Patricia said...

I agree that hospice needs to be called and you also need to be able to go somewhere and scream once in a while. Just know that someone in Georgia is praying for ya'll.