Dec 27, 2009

Alas

One more shift to knock out, today..than two days in a row off. Thank God. Yesterday was SLOW. Tedious. A thumb twiddling day. The importance of being idle is cool, but not at work. Slow=No $$$... I don't like to waste my time for $3 an hour when my rent is due. I am on a mission people. To get back to where I was financially in Ga, even though the cost of living is twice as much here. When I am able I have too many thoughts running through my head. A massive jumble. It's too overwhelming. I am thankful for my blessings, no matter how frustrated I get. In, out, upside down, my thoughts are all over the place at time, but yet, I have a goal. Love is a time machine that I keep replaying in my mind. I got my feet on the street but I feel like I'm flying above looking down at my life. Time to go.....Please make it rain tips today.....:P!


Peace......

Dec 25, 2009

Happy Holidays





It's Xmas, or whatever you choose to celebrate. May it be blessed and wonderful. If you have parents, kiss and hug them, they might not be here much longer. Love your children. Be a great friend. Be your best. Not for just the holidays. All day everyday. Aspire...To the moon...no limits. If the Mayan calendar is correct, we don't have much longer. The world will cease to exist as we know it. Make your amends. Be at peace in your own skin. Sleep easy. Try not to survive. Thrive. If the Mayans and other's are wrong, that is wonderful. Someone once said "live as if each day is your last".. That is how I am going to bring in the new year. Riding a new wave in my life. I've cleaned out my closets, fighting my demons daily. I shall overcome. For myself, my son, for humanity. It starts with one. Happy Holidays....

Dec 24, 2009

Every time I think of you......The Baby's...

Been listening to alot of late 70's music lately. This was my makeout song at that time...My boyfriend had an El Camino and we would get so hot and heavy in that beat up car. I would not trade my memories in life for anything in this world. Merry Christmas.....





Falling in love was the
last thing I had on my mind
Holding you is a warmth
that I thought I could never find
(Sitting here all alone)
Just trying to decide
(Whether to go all alone)
Or stay by your side
(Then I stop myself because)
I know I could cry
I just can't find the answers
To the questions that keep going through my mind
Hey babe
Isn't it time
(Isn't time it took time to wait)
(Falling in love could be your mistake)
Isn't it time
(Isn't time you took time to wait)
(Falling in love could be your mistake)
I've seen visions of someone like you in my life
A love that's strong reaching out
Holding me through the darkest night
(Sitting here all alone)
Just trying to decide
(Whether to go all alone)
Or stay by your side
(then I stop myself because)
I don't want to cry
I just can't find the answers
To the questions that keep going through my mind
Hey babe
Isn't it time
(Isn't it time it took time to wait)
(Falling in love could be your mistake)
(Isn't time you took time to wait)
(Falling in love could be your mistake)
(Isn't time you took time to wait)
(Falling in love could be your mistake)
I feel a warmth in my heart
And my soul that I never knew
This love affair gives me strength
That I need just to get me through
(Sitting here all alone)
Just wondering why
(Then I stop myself because)
I know I could cry
(Then I think of you)
And everything seems alright
I've finally found the answers
To the questions that keep going through my mind
Hey babe
Isn't it time
(Isn't time you don't have to wait)
(Don't have to wait)
I know it's time
Ooh yeah
I know it's time
It must be time
(Don't have to wait)
(Losing this love could be your mistake)
(Isn't time you don't have to wait)
(Don't have to wait)
It oughta be time
(Isn't time you don't have to wait)
(Isn't time you don't have to wait)
It must be time
(Don't have to wait)
(Losing this love could be your mistake)
(Isn't time you don't have to wait)
(Isn't time you don't have to wait)
(Losin' this love could be your mistake)
(Isn't time you don't have to wait)
It oughta be time

The Dawn Does Come

The nights are so damn bleak.
I dread them.
I squeeze my big dog for comfort.
I take a Xanax.
I sleep.
I wake up.
Something happens.
It's still early and dark.
In my heart though, I know I will see the cusp of sunlight arising.
The heaviness in my heart leaves.
Hope comes back.
I anticipate a new day,
full of promise.
I'll stay by your side
I will be your mother forever
I love you.

Dec 23, 2009

For today don't bring me down...

This is where my mind is this morning as I get ready for work....

Dec 22, 2009

Strange days..

I've seen visions of someone like you in my life.....I had quite an interesting day today. I looked and noticed a man today....all kinds of girly strange tingly feelings...I felt 14 again. It felt wonderful to feel like a woman for a few moments again today. It felt like...a gift...

Dec 21, 2009

I adore Post Secret

How you know you are old




I was watching you tube, and one of the videos had a phonograph in it. I turned around and asked Baggy Pants if he knew what a phonograph was. I assumed he did. My smart, chrome thumbed Ipod wearing son just looked at me and said, " A phono what?"...When the song American Pie by Don McClean came out that was the first 45 I ever owned. I had a Mickey Mouse stereo, yeah, laugh, but I played it constantly. Than came my first real stereo and "I Can't Get No Satistfaction" played constantly. My parents hated me during my Mick Jagger phase. So did the neighbors. I thought at 13 my destiny in life was to marry that man. Things didn't work out the way my teenage mind planned. I love music. I can't imagine life without music. My son loves his music too. Some we agree on. Not much, but I'll settle for some. How can that child not know what a phonograph is????? Am I that old at 43? Maybe, I don't care. The memories of the music that I grew up with and my stereo with the stack of 45's and albums I wouldn't trade for the world. BTW...he now knows what a phonograph is. He doesn't really care.

Dec 19, 2009

Happy Belated Anniversary



My wedding anniversary was December 16th, the day after my birthday. This was my late husband's song to me. I just felt like posting it as I am missing him at the present moment. Happy Anniversary RIP.

Family

This is a post that is rather hurtful. During the time that my late husband was sick and dying my brother in law and I got very close. Many months have now passed, and I see the distance setting in. He and his wife moved to Pa about two months after we moved back to Baltimore. We have visited about 3 times. The phone calls are fewer and far between. I am going to let it go. The tie that binded us is gone. Maybe it is too hurtful as when we are together we share very painful memories. I hope that is what it is. Kenny and his brother had their moments. They didn't speak for a couple years at one time. If I am honest the one tie that they shared was their love of drugs. Oh yeah, and a great meal. Yes, they had a dysfunctional childhood, but didn't most of us? I am working a double on X-Mas. The only thing I know how to do is work. My son still looks to him as an uncle and he loves his wife. They both know I am working. I have not received a phone call inviting him up there and I am not going to push it. I have learned through age and time to leave well enough alone. I do not know what else to do. Jesse is still so damn young and idealistic I am not going to tamper with his good memories of family members. I think I will let him keep those. I try to keep my heart open but it is now very guarded. I hope everyone who lives north is safe and warm and toasty in this horrid weather we are having. There is a mountain of snow outside and I did go to work in it. My father would have been proud. I have an awesome work ethic of which I am proud. I should have been a mailman. Be well and warm...

Dec 18, 2009

Here is some addict reasoning

I work with a girl who shall remain nameless. She came in last night and she is very sick with an upper respiratory infection. She said, "I feel like being bad'..ie..I wanna get high, in this case smoking crack"..She said, "don't you ever feel like being bad, I know you do?" I said yes, than played it off. Her reasoning for smoking crack? She thinks she has walking pneumonia and that a hit of crack will clear her lungs....That is a new one for me in all my years of hearing rationalizations for getting high. Opiate addiction I understand much better as it is more of a physical thing, coke is mind thing. It will also take you to hell much quicker as it distorts your thinking, that little voice that tells you not to do stupid shit for more money. At the end of my shift she asked to borrow $15. She had gotten there as my relief. Told her we had a bad weather forecast for the weekend and I had to hold my money. I did not know that smoking crack is a way to clear your lungs from walking pneumomia. Even I just learned a new one. I just remembered that and had to post that. It must be a disease because no healthy person would come up with that kind of logic....Peace.

A lovely English word






Shagging!!!!! I am too lazy and tired to google it's origins. I am starting a collection of my favorite Brit words and slang so when I ever get to London I will fit in. Anyone care to tell me how they took got that term and from whence it originated? BTW, I got this idea from
Sarcastic Bastard's
delightful blog. I happen to appreciate many things British, their sense of humor etc. I also like the word Wanker. I shall be using that word quite frequently at work, well, because I can dammit. I also think we should be more inspired to improve our own language with some more interesting words. Just a thought for the day.

Dec 17, 2009

Christmas Cheer





I worked yesterday, sore mouth and all. Times are hard and you do not want to call out where I work. The penalties are stiff. I worked a short day shift, been taking my antibiotics and trying to smile. Customers seem to be infused with holiday spirit. Two men ordered a $12 breakfast and left me a $10 tip. They were not my regulars. The other girl noticed the same thing. Instead of the usual $2 and $3 tips for breakfast there were $5' and $10's. So thank you to all the kind people who maybe are feeling extra generous to their waitstaff at this time of year. We count on you. When the girls are making money we all get along and everyone is pleasant. Amazing the power of money. I work with a group of women who all are worried about the holidays and buying gifts. I am not in that group. I shall do my best and if it's not enough, than you simply don't know me well enough to understand my way of viewing the holidays. Giving is wonderful, the pressure of HAVING to give is not. Hopefully this cycle will continue. January is a very dead time in my line of work. Than tax time comes and the rebirth of money comes around again. We are very predictable people. I refuse to go in to debt this year. I am in enough. I want to pay off every debt by this time next year. My debts are small compared to most, but they are enough to bother me. That is my goal and my plans for the new year. If my late husband was correct we are all going to be erased from the planet on 12/12/12/ anyhow, so it might not matter. I didn't share his view, I shall continue to be hopeful and optimistic. I would never be able to sleep with myself at night, and my dog would probably give me the cold shoulder if I was any other way. Baggy Pants made the comment that we should by some tortillas as my brother is now sleeping on my couch temporarily. He didn't mean that in a racist way. He said we are living like many imports to this country, 3 to a house that is meant for 1. He is such a knucklehead, but he shall graduate, finally this year, and that will be the best gift. Filling out college forms is a gift, just knowing the possibility that lies ahead. Those are my gifts. Thanks to the two nice men from yesterday breakfast and all the others who continue to support me and my son through your gratuities. May everyone experience their own form of holiday cheer.

Dec 15, 2009

Secrets

I am an avid reader every Sunday of Post Secret. What amazes me is that such a simple project created by one man in Germantown Md. turned out to be so huge and have such tremendous impact. I wonder what motivates all these people to send in the postcards with their deepest secrets that I than read? I fee like a closet voyeur. It also makes me feel good sometimes to see that others have the same secrets as I. Just out of curiousity's sake, what do you think is the motivating factor of the people who send in the cards?

My birthday

Yes, I am now 43. Tomorrow is also or would have been my wedding anniversary. I have an absessed tooth in my mouth and the pain is tremendous. It feels like someone has hit me in the side of my head with a hammer. So I have been laying in bed for two days to get some rest and am picking up some antibiotics tonight. I was going to go to the emergency room, but am holding off as long as possible. My son and I's medical assistance has been pending for two months now, recieved a letter from the state of md that due to circumstances beyond their control, it is taking longer than expected. I took that to mean in plain english they are backlogged. Alot of good that does me. I am thankful for the help the food stamps provide. They are a godsend. Ironically one of the girls I work with gets them, and she sells them for 50cents on the dollar for the cash. I am not judgemental. I happen to know she uses the money to get high with. That is not what food stamps are for. Baggy Boy and I made ours last through the whole month due to frugile shopping and smart shopping. When I see people abuse the "system" it infuriates me. The kids are the ones who lose out when their parents sell their food stamps. I read circulars and shop at different stores to save money. We made them last all month. Jesse has turned out to be quite the shopper. So I turned 43 today and will celebrate it by having a nice day off, praying my mouth hurries up and heals. Thankfully I am off for my birthday. That was a pretty nice gift. Hope everyone is well enjoying the holiday season.

Dec 10, 2009

What do you really want from Santa?





I just went through my wish list and had a nice epiphany. All the things on my wish list do not come from a store or a mall. I want to see my son graduate this year. I want my mom to get her shit together. I am making a teeny donation to the food bank. I can't afford more than $10, but my late husband donated every year and I want to keep that tradition in the family. I am praying that the approval goes through for the house for a lower mortgage. These are the things that I want for Christmas. I now can heave a sigh of relief as I do not have to shop for any of the wants.. Baggy Pants wants $$$. No surprise there. He wants more computer parts. I will be with my brother and son for the holiday. I will be working on Xmas. I think my major purchase will be a new tether and collar for my dog. I don't feel any pressure for once concerning the holidays and that alone is the best gift. We did not draw names at work as we all agreed that would place too much pressure on everyone. So no obligations socially at work. I am rather pleased this year. HO HO HO...

Maybe my life isn't so bad...

Don't abuse your server...






Why do so many people request that their food better be hot? Do I look like an idiot that is going to serve you cold Tilapia? For fuck's sake, give me a break. I make sure your syrup is hot for your pancakes, your butter is melted, and yes, I even give you a glass of hot water to soak your silverware in as you don't seem to trust our dishwasher. Than I microwave your bowl of clam chowder so it arrives steaming when I set it down in front of you. The icing on the cake is that you than sit there and wait ten minutes to eat your soup as it is too hot. I make a point of bending over backwards when I wait on a table. Whether you are spending $2.00 or
$200 I feel everyone deserves proper service and should be accommodated. I do the best tap dance I can at your table. I will cut your mother's steak for her. I will use strawberry syrup on your kids pancakes and make a happy face so they will smile. I try to make your dining experience wonderful because I want you to come back. Repeat business is my livelihood. There are certain customers we all groan when we see their car pull up. "NO, you wait on them, I refuse".. "No you take them".. I love a challenge and will take the biggest pains in the ass just to see if I can get a different response. So when you go out to eat, please remember, the person standing in front of you is a human being. Most of us really do care that you have a nice meal and good service. We understand that the economy is tough and you might not have that extra dollar to throw on the table. Just be nice. A simple request from someone who has waitressed for 20 years.

Dec 9, 2009

My mother

My mother is mentally not well. I moved her into her new place last Monday. She received a letter on her door yesterday to please find a new place to live by the end of the week. I read the letter. They, the group of women, are tired of her regaling them with stories of her illness, ailments and problems. They are a happy bunch. They are all in their 70's. They go out and drink, dance and shop. They love life. My mother is a bitter, miserable cold woman. My brother couldn't handle her for years and simply stayed away. I have had her as a burden for many years. Actually Kenny, my late husband, was the patient one. He took care of her. Yet when he was dying she wouldn't even bring him a drink of water. I try to find forgiveness. It's hard. I feel pity. She has til Sunday to find a place according to the landlord. Actually they have to legally evict her. She lasted 7 days! Unfuckingbelievable. My plate is full. My brother and Jesse and I all get along. We always have. It's nice to have a male in the house to help with Jesse when he has his macho moments. He loves my brother. There is no room for mom. She drains me. What do you do with a 66 year old woman who has not one friend on the planet. Anyone have a room for rent? PLEASE!!! Just kidding, but this is something I simply refuse to deal with. I am done. Off to work for me...

Dec 8, 2009

My pajama day!

That's right, today is my last day off. I am not getting dressed. I am not leaving my house. I am eating like a pig, junk food, etc. I am loving it. I am also home alone. Considering I am now sharing my house with my brother and son, privacy is precious. I am also going to dye my hair, give myself a pedicure and whatever the hell else I want to do. I live for days like this. Mind you, this is a tiny basement apt. I value solitude and peace. I make my living looking attracive and being nice and overly kind. I am not on the clock. So the real me is now allowed out. Damn it feels wonderful. I think we should all have a day like this. Mind, body and soul. I am replenishing myself for the work week ahead. On a positive note, my landlord figured out that sex will never be part of the equation. Thank god! He asked me, "Don't you miss having sex, don't you care"....I said, "Actually I still am grieving and if and when I do meet someone they will be special and I will know it"...He got a rather puzzled look on his face and just walked away. So knocked another ass pain out. The shower is calling me, my hair follicles need some touching up..so I am out of here..alone time is the best time, so I am going to enjoy it. Have a great day everyone.

Dec 6, 2009

my first award



Thanks to Subdural Flow I know have my first award. I have to go to work right now. When I post in the am. I shall give you my brief brushes with celebrity. Trust me, they were brief...Peace.

First snow, my brother etc...




My brother is homeless. He is 31. He has worked at Bank of America for 10 years and now works at a clothing store 6 nights a week after the bank. He doesn't do drugs, has no problems except a crazy upbringing, and some bad roommate choices. We talked last night. He has to work the next 9 days with no days or time off, all 14 hour shifts. He is sleeping on my couch. To me he is still my little brother. I couldn't turn him away. Yes, I am soft. He didn't deserve this. He is not overly ambitious, but he is kind and not mean spirited in the least. He simply is in debt from poor money management and being overly generous when he couldn't afford it. We talked last night when I came home from work. He realized he had no "true" friend when he asked everyone of them if he could stay with them for about a month to get back on is feet. They all said no. He said maybe it was fortuitous that I came back from Ga, or he would be on the street. There is no mercy in this city for a nice guy. Lots of vultures and predatory type people. On a positive note, they stopped the foreclosure on my mom's house, that we all moved out of because we could't afford it. I have power of attorney. I filled out the paper work for Obama's keep homeowner's in their home plan and hopefully they will give a more affordable mortgage. Yes, my mom signed the loan papers and got the ARM loan, but she is not that knowledgable and when you are broke and someone is dangling 12,000 in front of you, most people don't read the fine print. My late husband begged her not to sign that loan. He knew it was a bad one. She went for the $12,000. So the mortgage went up from $700 to $1,091. My fingers are crossed that the paperwork goes through. If so I will take my son, brother and I, move out of this overpriced basement apt and live in our old nice house in the suburbs. Fingers are crossed. Time to get ready for work. Than I have two days off of relief. We got our first snow yesterday, not good for my business, but I take the good with the bad. For any of you with small children, Denny's has kids eat free nights three nights a week. Sat, Sun, and Tuesday. 4-m- 10pm. The families start piling in at 4 with all their kids in tow. I don't mind, except some children are rather messy. It enables certain families to go out to eat and afford it. Have a great weekend. Time to put on my waitress face and spirit. Maybe the tip God shine today. Be blessed...

Dec 4, 2009

The dawn of day

What a difference sleep makes.
Either that or I need Lithium.
I must not write when I come home from work.
I am still in SuperBitch mode.
Sitting here with my cup of coffee
in my robe that has too many holes
I become me again.
Why is the early am.
the best part of the day?
Silence?
Reading?
Reflecting?
Yes, plus I have yet to encounter anyone to fuck up my day.
God Bless the early am.

Something to ponder.

The depth and strength of a human character are defined by its moral reserves. People reveal themselves completely only when they are thrown out of the customary conditions of their life, for only then do they have to fall back on their reserves. Leon Trotsky

I came upon this quote and it made me think. When you or I are put in a strange situation, you do reveal yourself. I see it everyday in our "new" society. I worked with a woman the other day who was in tears and begged the owner to stay because she hadn't made enough money to buy dinner for her family. Her tears were very real. I am starting to get angry. Are you getting angry? What the fuck has happened to our country? I am a survivor. Some people aren't. Whatever it takes I will do to make sure I don't sink on this ship. A guest told me tonight that there are two types of people, Bitches and Victims. Sadly I am seeing that mentality grow. I don't like it. I am one of those silly girls who still believes in humanity. I am starting to feel alone in my beliefs. How about you?

Dec 3, 2009

Another day, another dollar...blah blah blah

Don't have to go to work til 5pm today, yay..Talked to the one manager yesterday about the Mayor of our city. She got found guilty. $600 worth of gift cards. He brought up a good point. How much it cost the city (taxpayers) to prosecute her. Way more than $600. His point was that there is so much more corruption in our city that the money wasn't well spent. They could have just made her resign and save us a bunch of money. He is probably right. The natives of my city are restless. The McDonalds across the street got robbed yesterday morning. Than on my way to work I stopped at RiteAid to put minutes on my phone. They were all winded from running after a shoplifter. People are getting brazen. No fear of consequences. The owner of my restaurant I believe is from Persia. He told me if you get caught stealing there you get your hand cut off. He also said their crime rate is pretty much nil. A customer overheard our discussion. He thinks that the values our grandparents and before had a set of values that have eroded over the years. People don't want to work anymore. My brother in law has worked only 5 months since his release from prison. He has been collecting unemployment for over a year now. $1200 a month. Yet I go to work every day. I have never collected unemployment. I was raised thankfully with a work ethic. Even in my addiction days I still went to work. The only help I get is food stamps, which without I would not be able to pay my astronomical rent. This city is getting colder and meaner as everyday goes by. I miss my old Baltimore. We were hard working folks. We were civilized. Santa stands in front of Wal-Mart ringing his bell and his bucket is almost empty. People don't have it anymore. We used to donate to the food bank every month. I can't afford it now. My friend collects coats every winter. I give old clothes to the shelters. I don't know how else to help. People are hungry, cold and homeless. Alot of them are mental health patients. They need help beyond a coat and a meal, but it does help put a bandaid on their aches for a day. I am starting to wonder if we have let things get too far gone in this country of ours. Is the damage repairable?

Dec 1, 2009

Me and you

It used to be me and you.
You were the steadying hand,
always present on my lower back.
Your hand is gone.
My boat is rocking.
I am adrift.
No anchor.
This world is very frightening without you.
When I met you, you said,
"These arms are here for you, no matter what, to hold you"
When you were dying,
your arms rubbed my back and told me I was going to be ok.
I believe you are finally at peace.
I'm not.
Thank you for loving me.

Nov 29, 2009

Update

Just wanted to let everyone know that I had to enable the word verification do-hicky for comments as in the last week I have been recieving quite a bit of spam type comments. So I know it's a pain in the butt, I just went with that option because those comments are incredibly annoying. Work is over with now for two days. Time for bed..Have a blessed night.

Meet my aunt..

I do have a real writer in the family. Her name is Catherine Hamm. She writes the travel column for the LA Times. This article I am posting is the true story of her honeymoon to my uncle. I am so proud. My uncle is very special and dear to me, and he was a widower for many years, until he met and married my Aunt Cat. So you readers are specail to me, and I would like you to meet the real writer in my family...Here she is-


A different journey than bride bargained for
After a Hawaiian rental goes awry, The Times travel editor tracks the agent and her alleged many lives.
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A Texas man said Amanda J. George gave him this photo, showing her with Robert Downey Jr., left, Woody Harrelson and Keanu Reeves on the set of the film "A Scanner Darkly." He said she told him she was a screenwriter.


By Catharine Hamm
November 26, 2009

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I knew her only as Amanda, and the more I learned about her life, the more surreal it seemed.

Part of it read like a fairy tale: A smart, pretty girl flees her Alaska home, meets a Scottish aristocrat and falls in love. They marry, move into a manor house and have three children.

But that was only one of the lives she'd led.

Her incarnations were varied: Hollywood screenwriter. Concierge to the stars. Rental agent for exclusive Hawaiian vacation homes.

Acquaintances say she had butter-smooth charm and uncanny powers of persuasion. But her most valuable asset may have been the anonymity of the Internet, at least until an electronic forum enabled those who had crossed paths with her to trade information.

One of her alleged victims, a bride intent on her own fairy-tale wedding, spent a year following leads and piecing together Amanda's past.

I was that bride, but in the end, I took no pleasure when she landed behind bars.

Mine was a later-in-life attachment, with none of the trappings of royalty. Carl and I met at a Christmas party in 2003, and a romance developed, slowly but steadily. We continued to live apart until a health scare prompted us to take the plunge. We set a May 2008 wedding date and asked a wedding planner to find a venue close to my childhood home on Oahu.

About three weeks before the big day, plans for the place we had chosen fell through, and the planner asked the caterer for help. The caterer's assistant surfed the Web and found an ideal setting.

When I saw pictures of Kailua Palm House on Oahu, I immediately fell in love. Coleman Wiggins was listed as the rental agency, and the agent's name was Amanda.

In e-mails and phone conversations, Amanda told us that, because time was short, I would have to wire the money to the homeowner's bank account in Tyler, Texas. I sent the funds -- $2,750 for a two-day rental, plus a $2,000 cleaning deposit.

A few days later, I e-mailed Amanda to ask for the address of the house and a signed copy of the rental agreement.

"Of course," came the reply.

Then silence. Our wedding planner e-mailed Amanda but got no response.

By May 4, 12 days before the wedding, I was getting queasy. The planner called Amanda, who said she was in a taxicab in New York and her cellphone was about to go dead. She said she would call back.

Nothing.

On May 9, the planner sent an e-mail threatening legal action. The planner and the caterer got Amanda on the phone. She hung up on them.

Four days before the wedding, we found another venue, and I put the bill on my credit card, despite a 2% premium. If I had done that earlier, I would have been protected by the Fair Credit Billing Act and wouldn't have lost my money.

On our wedding day, the humiliation of having been ripped off hung over Carl and me. I wondered how I could have been such a fool. As travel editor at the Los Angeles Times, I constantly counsel readers to keep their wits and wallets about them. I had failed to follow my own advice.

After our short honeymoon, I contacted the Honolulu Police Department, the Internet Crime Complaint Center and Southside Bank in Tyler, which turned my case over to the Smith County Sheriff's Department.


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Nov 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving

Wishing all readers a wonderful holiday. I shall be at work. Am not feeling the holiday spirit this year. I am trying to remind myself again of what I am thankful for. It ain't easy.....I am thanful for everyone who read my dribble and gives me feeback when I really need it. Sometimes that is the only thing that keeps me sane. So God Bless and enjoy the holiday.

Nov 23, 2009

City lights ain't so pretty, just ask Mayor Dixon

Baltimore mayor's case returns to jury
Dixon could face jail time for use of donated gift cards

Sheila Dixon is accused of taking about $630 in gift cards. (Rob Carr - AP)
Enlarge Photo

By Annie Linskey and Julie Bykowicz
Monday, November 23, 2009

Jurors deciding whether to convict Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon of theft-related charges will return Monday for a third day of debate.

Lawyers in the case sounded unconcerned about reported contention among jurors who have been working in a small room for a total of 11 hours, and legal observers keeping tabs on the proceedings said the panel seemed to be taking its responsibilities seriously.

"Those who predicted a swift acquittal or conviction have been proven wrong," said Baltimore Federal Magistrate Judge Paul W. Grimm. "It gives you faith in the system."

Dixon is accused of stealing about $630 in gift cards that prosecutors say were intended for the needy.

Jurors sent several questions to the judge shortly after starting deliberations Thursday afternoon but appeared to make little progress. "Things are getting a little out of order among us," read a note to the judge from the jury forewoman Thursday.

On Friday evening, the nine women and three men showed little emotion as they sat in the jury box just before the judge dismissed them for the weekend.

State Prosecutor Robert A. Rohrbaugh said he couldn't infer much from the jurors' notes. "Obviously, there are jurors on each side who have strong feelings," he said, adding that it was "too early to tell" whether the case would end in a hung jury. Deputy State Prosecutor Thomas "Mike" McDonough said, "You drive yourself crazy trying to guess."

Dixon's lead attorney, Arnold M. Weiner, said the jury is "taking the serious charges to heart." He also said the hours of deliberation show that the jurors are being conscientious.

Kenneth W. Ravenell, a Baltimore defense lawyer not involved in the Dixon case, said the hours of deliberation are "not unusual in a case that involves the mayor of Baltimore City."

"They don't want to be seen as rushing to judgment," he said. "However they come back, they know they're going to be scrutinized."

The mayor is charged with five theft-related counts, including one felony, stemming from a nearly four-year investigation into City Hall corruption that has centered on relationships between public officials and developers who have relied on tax breaks for projects. Dixon can be convicted of no more than three counts, fewer than half the number she faced when the trial began last week.

Under instructions given to the jury, Dixon can be convicted of theft or embezzlement -- but not both -- because those charges are based on two contradictory theories: that Dixon had no right to possess the gift cards and therefore stole them or that Dixon had a right to possess the cards but misused them.


The judge tossed out two of the original seven counts last week, when the state rested its case without calling as a witness Ronald H. Lipscomb, a developer who said he'd given Dixon gift cards for charity.

If found guilty of any of the charges, the 55-year-old Democratic mayor could be forced out of office, lose her $83,000 annual pension and be fined or face jail time.


-- Baltimore Sun
Shelia Dixon. Went shopping with a bunch of gift cards intended for the poor and needy. Haven't had a chance to watch the news yet, but I know if I stole gift cards I would go to jail. Our own mayor for fucks sake. I am sure you can imagine the needy kids and families who could have really used those gift cards this holiday season. I do know she is going to face a trial. Will she go to jail? I don't know. I have to watch the news. It's an embarrassment to our city. I have grown weary of politicians and their corrupt bullshit. Plus, how the worst part is if she was going to steal, shit, she should have at least made it worth her while. Growing up our city had some pretty good people to represent us. They are gone. So is my patience with another politician doing something stupid. It must run in the blood.

Nov 22, 2009

Made it to the end of another work week

Whew, go in at 1 and get off at 6 tonight. Gravy.. Don't go back til Wednesday. I can breathe. I am working a double on Thanksgiving. I am so sore. I am starting to feel my age. But I also feel the green paper in my pocket which actually makes my back feel better...LOL...So it's off to the shower, put on my happy uniform, and happy face and smile for 5 hours than I am DONE!..Than I can be my usual super bitch self on my days off. Actually I plan on having a very peaceful two days off. I have some good books. I am really pissed that I missed Stephen King's book singing in Baltimore. Right down the damn street from my house. I would have loved to have a signed book from him. I am not a huge horror fan, but I have always had a fondness for his writing. It's not typical slasher horror. He actually can write. I have a few new authors I am reading. That is what brings me joy. Peace and quiet and my books and camera. My digital camera is very special as Kenny had bought if for me when we moved to Ga to capture the beauty of the lake. It was also his way of showing us that we were starting to get ahead financialy and could start buying a few nice things. So the camera is very special to me. Time to rock n roll and be the nice waitress. Question of the day...Whatever happened to Baby Jane?

Nov 19, 2009

Soul Searching




When I look at my life I keep wondering where is the reward. I work hard. I am a good parent. I pay my bills. My back hurts from standing on my feet too many hours a day. I get comfort from the dog and the kid (the kid is sometimes). The dog is a constant. Does everyone feel this way? Where is the big life payoff? Is there one? Can someone please tell me when it will arrive? Am I going to be punished for past choices from years ago forever? I feel like that damn hamster in the wheel. Running hard going nowhere. I worked 10 hours yesterday and by the time I left the store and bought what I needed I had $30 left over from $100 made in tips. I am really yearning to travel. I want to see Europe before I die. That is one goal I have set in stone. Homeland is going to give me a damn passport. I just wonder how long it's going to take. I do get to meet great people everyday. The people I work with are starting to become my extended family in a sense. United by the fact we are all schmucks working for god knows what. The ties that bind. We all try to look out for each other as best we can. I have a few good friends that I can count on. I have one family member, an uncle in California that I love dearly and miss. Does anyone have the ANSWER. The big one. What is this all for? Why am I going to work again today? Can someone please remind me? I am very tired physically and mentally. I don't even take the time to pick up the phone and call anyone anymore, as I am too tired. If any of you wise ones out there have any answers to the great mystery of life please do share them.

Nov 18, 2009

The insanity of tv.

I happen to have on Maury Povich's show. How can all these women not know who the father of their children are? Why go on a public platform and admit that you slept around and than surprise your partner that little Susie might not be your daughter. I don't think that is for public consumption. We are now a world filled with reality tv. No wonder why so many screenwriters and tv writers are out of work. They can find some whacky family and follow them around with cameras and call it a "show". This shit sells magazines and makes the news. It is a sign of the times. I believe some things in this world are sacred and private. It is getting ridiculous. The only tv I seem to watch these days are A&E and the Discovery Channel. I like alot of the series of HBO and Showtime. I am starting to think the days of the sitcom are dead and gone. Just like many other things. All in the family are to busy with their blackberries to have Happy Days. Peace.

Nov 17, 2009

People







In my 42 soon to be 43 years on this earth, I have learned there are certain people who are truly meant to be alone. They wreak havoc everywhere they go and everything they touch turns to shit. The reverse Midas touch. Somewhere inside my heart I believe we have a responsiblity as human beings to show compassion and care for others. Whether it is holding the door for someone, smiling at another person. Anything to improve the quality of another's day. The reason Denny's is open on Thanksgiving besides the fact alot of folks don't want to cook, is the other reason. We get alot of seniors who come in alone as they have no family. They sit alone and eat their dinner. We, the servers, are the only ones they have to spend the holiday with. Whatever happened to a sense of family? Taking care of your parents? It seems to be all gone. I see it on a daily basis. It is rather sad. We have this one elderly man who eats all three meals at our restaurant. Where are his kids? Try to be kind to someone today. You never know how much it might mean to that person...

Nov 14, 2009

Rain rain go away...I have to go to work today





I just read a fellow blogger's post about being retired and it made me think. What the hell would I do if I didn't work? Watch crappy tv? Eat too much? Sit on the computer ALL day? The only goal I really would like to pursue is travel. London Calling. Since I was a little girl. Other than that though, I think I truly enjoy working. No matter where I have worked the workplace becomes an extended part of my family. This job is special to me as I just came back and have known many people there for at least 10 or so years. I feel safe there. I enjoy most of their company. My parents generation lived for retiring. The only retired people that I have met that are truly happy are the ones who were financially prudent and saved so they could actually live their dream. The economy is making it hard for retired folks. Walk into any Wal-Mart in the USA and there is the smiling senior at the door to greet you. I always wonder if they do it to supplement their income or for a sense of purpose. I have worked since I was 15. Except for two years in my life, having a job was a given. I happen to know most of the Wal-Mart greeters on a first name basis. I spend too much money at that store. I always hope that if I show them that their job is important it might brighten their day. Yes, I am weird. The karmic wheel rolls constantly. I wait on some very nasty people as well as nice. I smile at all of them. Even the ones who are known motherfuckers. I refuse to give a miserable human the satisfaction of making me miserable. We had a girl show up to work last night high as a kite on heroin. Thanks to her "highness"...I got to take all her tables while she kept explaining to the owner that she wasn't high, just tired. Than I remembered that was me many years ago at the same store. Ironic huh? She is also a re-hire. Begged for her job back. She reminded me last night of how I want to live my life. Every night I come home I have this man/child staring at me asking me how my night went. Than we eat, talk etc...I also can tell that he is checking me out, to make sure I am "right". He is like an elephant, he never forgets. Don't know how I got off on the retiring topic, just happened. I guess I realized I must be prudent and wise with my earnings or instead of traveling when I retire I will be smiling at you when you walk into Wal-Mart. *Nothing wrong with that*, just not what I aspire to for my waiting golden years. Sarcastic Bastard, if I ever meet a man I will burn his socks if they are black.

Nov 11, 2009

Cutting the ties

I am always saying how I am going to eliminate toxic people from my life. The last one is finally gone. My mother. We have been co-existing for the last 5 or so years. She is one of the most inhumane people I have ever encountered. For years every single person I have met has told me to get away from her. So now she officially is moving in to a Golden Girls type house. She is 66 and has not one friend on the planet. She once told my son that he was like a piece of shit stuck in her ass that she couldn't expel. Direct quote. Kenny made us go to family counseling. She said she had made that comment in jest. I grew up on those comments. It is almost like another death. I am adopted. I always wonder why she adopted an infant when she is not the least bit maternal. I was four months old. Than 11 years later she got pregnant with my brother. She always reminds him that he was an accident. I always joke with my friends that if she was a reptile she would have eaten us. So another person is removed from my life. It is Jesse left that I must complete raising. I told him about his grandmother, and he just shrugged his shoulders. He is doing well in school. Wrote a piece about Hamlet that he got an A on. The boy has a great brain. He is just very private. I am an open person. We watched Twilight together on the computer before we fell asleep last night. I love that child. We have a rather unusual relationship. There are trust issues on his part and me always trying to prove myself to him. At the end of the day we have our moments. That is my son. I will be a better mother than mine. That is my end goal. I have an empty feeling inside knowing that my mother is officially going to be erased from my life. That part is going to be my choosing. I am tired of the years of hurt and pain. Can't deal with it anymore. I am slowly making new friends and I am going to be okay. My son will be okay. Why is it so hard when it is family to extract them and remove them? Sometimes I wish there was a delete button or undo button in real life. Peace..

Nov 8, 2009

Ponderings

I am thankful for many things in my life. It might not seem like much. i have a job, a roof over my head and food. I am working with old, dear friends. Progress financially is slow, but I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Sunday mornings are my favorite time to reflect. I get up early so I have time to read and write before I got to work. Oh yeah, can't forget my dog. My son goes without saying. We had a few dollars to splurge at McDonalds, ugh, last night. It made him happy and it made me feel good to give him $10 to go. Once I get squared away rent wise etc, my next goal is to see the (dentist). Very scared. My top teeth need alot of work. They are causing me tremendous pain. So I am going to call the medical school and see what needs to be done adn how much. I have always taken care of my teeth, even when I was actively using, Now I am on 3 different types of medicine, been taking them for the last 5 years. The dentist told me that most meds make your mouth dry, which is what causes tooth decay. They even make a special toothpaste for people who take medication to keep saliva in your mouth. So that is my next important goal. Time to get ready for work. My days off are Monday and Tuesday. So this is my personal THANK GOD IT'S SUNDAY!!!!!

Nov 7, 2009

RE- previous post

Just wanted to say that I did not read the whole article and a friend informed me, someone who is more knowledgeable than I politically, that this was outdated and not correct. So I now feel like a dumbass. The posting part of what I wrote I believe in. I just want people to be able to afford to live, especially our elderly. The person who forwarded me the link always forwards me alot of similar news items. I will inform her she is sending outdated information. I get alot of emails from people who live in Georgia. In rural poverty. Many are very racist and want someone to blame for their own lot in life. That is why I moved back to Baltimore. I needed to among the diversity and sanity that I am used to. In this city, yeah we blame, but we get off our ass and work 1-3 jobs, whatever it takes. That is the biggest difference I notice from the little rural town I left. There were numerous unemployed men in that town. They would talk politics and blame the "niggers, spic, and towelheads", over their tenth beer. It never occurred to them that maybe the fact that they dropped out of school in the 5th grade might have something to do with their lot in life. It is always easier to blame than to take personal responsibility. If I would have made better choices in my youth, my life would be much different now. My mother mismanaged her money her whole life. So now she is reaping what she has sown. Sometimes when another is brutally honest with you, it makes you take a look in the mirror.

Watch this video please.

http://d.yimg.com/kq/groups/17260182/1610997888/name/ftc-vi26.wmv

Please watch this link. I am not a fan of this idea. There are enough of us without health care etc. Now they want to grant illegals visas immediately which will entitle them to all the benefits that those of us who have worked so hard to attain. Yes, I know we are a melting pot, but right now our pot is overflowing and we can't take care of our own. My mother is 66 and can't afford her rent on her SSI and pension. She is choosing between back surgery or going back to work part time to be able to afford simple things in life. I watch our seniors not able to afford their medications or sell them so they can pay their rent. When I went to the pharmacy last month I watched 2 older men leave a known pain clinic and at the pharmacy they had some people waiting for them and I saw the exchange of cash and pills in the parking lot. I don't think anyone in their 60's wants to sell their medication, but when they can't live I think they are forced into poor decision making. I am part Irish, Italian, Scottish, the whole mix. I am adopted so I only know of my own ancestors from a piece of paper. I love this country of ours. How can we take in thousands upon thousands more? Aren't there other countries that will accept these immigrants? I am not the most politically aware human on the planet. But I do know math. Numbers don't lie. They are always constant and correct. The math is already in the negative and adding more to the quotient will in no way help. I simply disagree. Again please watch this video.

Nov 6, 2009

Doing what you love for a living

Feels good to be back to waitressing full time. Yes, I am an aspiring writer. When the time comes, hopefully I will get a manuscript together and publish it. My aunt is the editor and has her own column for the La Times. She writes the travel column. She said whenever I am ready to send her my manuscript and she will proof and edit it. I am scared to actually show someone my personal writings. It is basically a life story. I really think if one person reads what I have written it might make a change in their life. I think on my days off I am going to devote at least two hours a day to writing "the novel". Stop goofing off on facebook etc. I have a story, just like a million others. I just want to share it. See it bound. That is my dream. To be a recognized published author. Alas, until that time comes I am just going to continue being an excellent waitress. I was raised that no matter what you do, you must do it well. Lots of hours until Monday. That is my next day off. Be well and to those of you that Friday means something, TGIF. To me Friday means a money shift. Be blessed, and be happy.

Nov 5, 2009

Dogs day afternoon




My dog got out yesterday. He had gotten used to Georgia in the am running around the lake, free, no leash, swimming etc. Now he is back in back yard and one house over are four pit bulls, two of which are females in heat. Auggie busted out of the gate and disappeared for two hours. I love this dog. Guess who brought him home? Yup, the man who owns the dogs in heat. He ran around for awhile and hung out with him for two hours. I am going to have to get a bungee cord for the back fence. He is powerful and pushed the damn thing open. The call of the wild. The female dog jumped two fences to get to Auggie. It was a dog day afternoon. My landlord calls my dog a horse, but he likes him. He just was surprised that such a big dog can be so gentle and loving. (I think he is still intimidated, lol.) We are starting to create boundaries and he knows that we are friends, but that is it. He does give me good money saving tips. Thanks to the man who brought my dog home. Auggie now has a little dent on the side of his head, but seems to show no sign of damage. Don't know where it came from, but just like a person he now has signs of character in his cute little mug. This is a rescue dog who is now going on three. He is truly my best friend. My back gate it now secure. I might have to get him fixed. He found those females in two seconds flat. Those dogs might as well have had short skirts and glass heels on to entice my dog. Oh well, at least he knew right where to go. Go figure, my dog, a ladies man? Peace...

Nov 4, 2009

Hope?

My Own Twilight

I try to imagine falling in love again, and if I ever will. I am a sucker for love stories and happy endings. I wonder, do they still exist? That unconditional forever love. Right now I must admit I am enjoying my solitude, but I do get lonely, but I am very wary of who I choose for close friends. For now I shall snuggle and get my comforot from my dog at night as he is my regular bedpartner. He is loyal. He switches back and forth between Jesse and I. I just wonder if I ever will fall in love again and what it will feel like. Or shall I be an old grumpy spinster? Ugh that sounds like a scary fairy tale. I just realize I am getting lonely, not all the time, but enough to make me wonder what is out there. Right now I am too scared to go "out there"....

Nov 1, 2009

Courtesy of Post Secret...I wish everyone realized this...

Busy Bee

Been lax about blogging as I am working my tushy off. Literally. Won't be off til Tuesday. This man kept his word and gave me plenty of hours. I am not complaining in the least. Second chances are the best. I feel like I am truly home again, work wise. Now I am looking for a new place for me and Jesse. My landlord is trying to throw sex in the deal and once he realized that is not on my agenda, he raised my rent two hundred dollars due to the fact that Jesse is here. My rent was supposed to be $600 a month, plus 20 extra for the internet. I told him from Georgia that Jesse was coming with me, he had to get three credits at his high school, and than he would be off to college. Well he said after thirty days, the rent was going up to $800. He said he thought Jesse was only going to be here for 30 days. He can't understand why I don't show any interest. He told me he is worth a quarter of a million dollars, he buys a brand new red mustang with cash every three years. That means absolute shit to me. He goes tanning daily. He said I should join the gym and go tanning also. That is really not on my agenda. I am trying to pay my rent. Now that he has figured out that we will not be hanging out, his attitude has totally changed. Thankfully my brother in law Rick is up here. Rick is like my own brother and told me not to tolerate this bullshit and get the fuck out of here as soon as possible. They just arrived from Georgia yesterday. All their stuff is in storage, and they are staying at an efficiency until they find a house to rent. At least not I have some "male muscle" on my side. Gotta go, time to get ready for work. I will hit everyone's blogs tomorrow or the next day. Peace to all...

Oct 28, 2009

Sent to me by a friend in London

We are not popular globally apparently.


Rock The Nation

Song by Michael Franti....I posted this because this man captured everything I feel pretty much about the state of our global political times. This is poetry to me. People need to listen. (Plus, I am too lazy to really sit down and write something that required this much thought)

We livin' in a mean time and an aggressive time
a painful time, a time where cynicism rots to the vine
in a time where violence blocks the summer shine
lifetimes, go by in a flash
in search for love, in search for cash
everybody wanna be some fat tycoon
everybody wanna be on a tropic honeymoon
nobody wanna sing a little bit out of tune
or be the backbone of a rebel platoon
it's too soon to step out of line
you might get laughed at you might get fined
but do you feel me when I say I feel pain everyday
when I see the way my friends gotta slave
and never get ahead of bills they gotta pay
no way no way!
some make a living doing killing Colombian penicillin
some are willing to play the villain they just chillin'
to pass the time, pass the information
or pass the wine
pass the buck or pass the baton
but you can't pass the police or the pentagon
the I.R.S. or the upper echelon
I think it's time to make a move on the contradiction

(chorus)
Bam-Bam, rock the nation
take over television and radio station


Bam-Bam the truth shall come
give the corporation some complication!

This is the dawning of our time I say it one more time
to emphasize the meaning of my rhyme
to rise above all the dirt and grime
add the right spice at the right time
fuck the constitution
are we part of the solution or are we part of the pollution
sittin' by and wonderin' why,
things ain't the way we like to find them to be, to be
for you and for me the people over there and the ones in between
check our habitation are we a peace lovin' nation
peace lovin' nation
I have a reasonable doubt I think I'll just spell it out
there's no need to scream or to shout
the N.R.A. just bought a man's soul
then he jumps up and shouts gun control
the government says that killin's a sin
unless you kill a murderer with a lethal syringe
so I ask again "are we peace lover's then"
some of them slang guns when they six years old
some of them end up in some six foot hole
this whole #### place seems to, lost control
so I raise my voice before I lose my soul
(chorus)

This is the way I'll express my feelings
vibe revealed and revolved spinnin on a record y'all
try to confiscate take what I communicate with
it's ancient gift of the lip steady creating
activating passin vocal vibrations to the blind plus the seeing
human doesn't mean just being
be coming don't believe it just belife it
belongings or beloved rehearse it or recite it
while shining drop your guns and move your tongues
battle motivation in no time lyrics come
sometimes fun others run their mouth or away
my mind co beaming like an early sunray
one day we'll get the picture and all combine
less the talking bout mines is mine and become one mind
every piece of the puzzle has its place
to build the piece of the puzzle called the human race

taking it long enough we crush the formal journalistic
dyslexic critters talk backwards to rap words
I'm sure raising my hands with questions and demands
statements and a plan with a map of the land
(chorus)

Oct 26, 2009

Forgiveness

Jesse and I had our moment last night. We watched a movie called GhostTown late last night. It had a widow in it. I was sobbing. He said mom, "Please don't interuppt me and let me speak"..so I listened. He said mom when you were doing drugs you were very selfish. Kenny did drugs too, but he always bought food and paid the rent first. You would disappear a few times. He got in my bed and sat down. He said "Kenny loved you so much and put up with alot. I never thought you loved him as much as he loved you". I thought you were selfish." He said
"Since he died and I see you cry almost once a day or every other day, I realize you really loved him just as much as he loved you. I told Jesse of course I loved Kenny, he was my best friend. I said some of the things I did during my addiction weren't because I didn't love Kenny or him, it was because I was literally insane from the tremendous drug use. I always worked. Finally the cards had collapsed and there was a two year period where I just simply would hustle whatever to get drugs 24 hours a day. That was a very rough period in our family as Kenny was working everyday. Jesse remembers. Than we talked about all the good things about our family. It told him that yes, we are roommates, but I am your mother. You must not speak to me the way you do your friends. He said he gets scared because Kenny would keep me in check. Kenny was 10 years older and way more mature than I still am. Kenny was in charge of all monies etc. Jesse said he did that out of love to protect me from myself. I can turn into a very self destructive person. Kenny knew it. Jesse said he wants to know that he can count on me. The kid just figured out how much I loved his father last night. We talked til 3am. He forgave me in his own way. He doesn't have deep conversations that much. But when he does they are quite a doozy. We all love our children. I just hope they all know how much we truly do. Have a blessed and happy day. My heart is a little bit lighter today.

Oct 25, 2009

A day off and some American Pie



This is my day off. I know the weeks ahead are going to be filled with work and weariness, but that is a good thing. I am employed, actually at two jobs. I am going to drop the 7-11 as she did not honor her agreement of 32 hours a week. I am using my inner gut feeling. The owner of Denny's said he will take care of me and I believe him.

American Pie is a very special record to me. It was the first 45 I bought. Actually my dad bought it for me. I had a Mickey Mouse record player. I think I was 5. I LOVED this song when I was little. My father died in '05, but everytime I hear this song, he comes back to me. Us singing in the car this song at the top of our lungs all off key and so what? These memories are what make me perservere. I quote some rather odd folks..Today it is Gloria Gaynor. I will survive...Enjoy your Sunday.

Oct 23, 2009

How true....

In a serious struggle there is no worse cruelty than to be magnanimous at an inopportune time.
Leon Trotsky

Oct 22, 2009

Tears

Got my first paycheck..$78.00...This next one will be my full one, but now we all got letters that due to the economy all of our hours are cut. I have three shifts next week. Good news. I got hired at re-hired at Denny's. So when I get off work tomorrow I have to be there at 4pm to fill out my new hire paper work. The struggle never fucking ceases...sorry for cursing but I was in tears today.

Oct 20, 2009

Disrespect

Jesse and I share an apt. We also share a phone that I pay for. I pay for everything. He goes to school to get his final 3 credits to get his diploma, but if I was honest, if he wouldn't have goofed off last year he would not need to do this. Anyhow, my son called me a CUNT this morning. I am in tears. Today my shift switches and I work 3-11. So I am trying to knock out all my appointments and phone calls as I cannot use the work phone when I work day shift and accomplish all this. This boy talks on the phone all night. I use the magic jack, which I highly recommend. That way our calls don't interfere with our landlords. I woke up this morning with a list of calls to make and things to do, before I trudge off to work. I am fighting with an umemployed 19 year old over the phone. He said that he is getting his education. He goofed off in the 11th and 12th grades. He got straight A's but his attendance failed him. Jesse was always smart and could miss class and test out perfect. Rules are rules and if you miss 9 days in one quarter you fail everything for that quarter. The school worked with him because Kenny and I always went to the meetings and they saw we were involved parents. Here is my question? How do I get this child to show respect? I have alot of parental guilt, but that was the past. I spent a total of 10 hours in Social Services on my days off to get medical assistance and food stamps to help til I start getting steady paychecks. I find out Thursday if I get the second job waitressing the graveyard shift. I love to work so that's no problem. My brother in law said he needed a smack in the mouth for that. I can't hit my child. A..I don't believe in it. B..I'll go to jail. My husband was very weak in the aspect of correcting him because he had that addict guilt. So he has been allowed to be disrespectful for many years. I will no longer tolerate it. Does anyone have any suggestions? I am a peaceful person. I thought if Jesse saw me work hard and do the right thing I would earn my respect. Not happening. We are close. But his mouth has got to go. I need some help here people. Noone has ever called me a cunt, (not counting drunks in bars when I bartended and cut them off) We are supposed to be a team. My brother in law and family will be up here on the 30th. He was supposed to give Jesse a van free and clear, it was a promise he made to his brother. He said he is taking Jesse for a drive and explaining to him that until his mouth cleans up he will continue to take the bus. I am tired of crying. I love this boy. Doesn't he know it?

Oct 19, 2009

Getting humbled.

Theses are the days. The mornings when I tell myself I see a light at the end of the tunnel. First paycheck this week, and than more will follow. I got assistance. Baggy Pants is in school. We are making progress. Not quickly by any means, but there is hope. By God's grace I didn't do anything stupid and end it. I had a few rough weeks where I thought Why? Life is so damn hard. This is not my chosen profession, being a, ahem, retail clerk, but nowadays I have peace of mind knowing I have a job. I find out today if I got the second one two nights a week. The young man I work with is from Africa. He works 8 hours at 7-11, sleeps for 4 hours and than goes to work another 8 hours across the street at the pizza place. He is happy doing that. He sends money home to his mother in Africa. He doesn't complain. It makes me wonder, are we, Americans lazy? I see numerous foreign people here in my city, people who were born oceans away. They open stores and businesses. They work insane hours. They let their whole family live in one house, combine resources, work as a team. They are thriving and making it. What happened to us? Time to get my lazy bottom off to work.. Have a great day.

Oct 18, 2009

My Random Question

This is a lazy post as I have to go to work bright and early. If you are a lottery player, are you type one, you buy as many as possible the bigger the jackpot gets or type two, just one, because you figure one is all it takes. Just curious...We all have that dream of hearing the winning numbers being read off and jumping for joy when we realize we can call our boss and say "Sorry not coming back".....some of us anyway. Have a great day.

Oct 16, 2009

Random Thoughts......

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin quote. It makes me rather happy to think there is a rather eclectic mix in the afterworld this year. Kenny has good company. Him, Bernie Mac, and George Carlin are hanging out. I know the man,trust me. Laughter was his soul. If Farrah Fawcett wants to talk to him I won't be jealous. I swear. The bible belt says that you suffer on this earth for the glories of the afterworld. Well I hope he is experiencing all the glories he wants. Actuall the bible says that, but the bible belt preaches it constantly. So I guess I am suffering so I can have a wonderful time after I die. Yes, I am being rather sarcastic. I feel like the man on the mountain with the big ball that kept falling down, can't think of his name. Everytime I push the huge ball up it falls right back down on me, splat. Wake up and do it again. Every day. There are brief moments between pushing it up the mountain and before it falls again that I get some joy, but the ball inevitably falls back down again. There is no side stepping that huge ball. I guess that is why I have so many bruises. Most are on the inside so noone can see. Oh yes, I know have a fancy job title, retail salesperson...I always thought I was just the shmcuk at 7-11..Kudos to my boss for making me feel important. Doesn't take much. I did get much needed help at Social Services. My fridge is stocked full and I am about to get medical assistance for me and Baggy Pants. I had the arguement with my proud son. He says, Mom you are taking government handouts. Here we went again. I blew up. I had sat for two days a total of 10 hours to get the emergency food stamps and medical paperwork. I said "You ungrateful kid...I have paid taxes since I was 15. This is not going to be my way of life. I just am having a hard time and need some help".. Why is he so proud? Our 7-11 accepts food stamps. Alot don't. We call it EBT. No person wants to be in a long line and say "hey I am waiting to see if your food stamps got approved in the machine". There is a big sign at Social Serices that says, "Due to the economy please be patient, as the wait is doubled" I got there so damn early before the doors even opened, 30 people were already there waiting. I wish Jesse could see what is really happening in this world. I was frugile at the grocery store, and now we have good healthy food to eat. That is why poor people are in the ER all the time. They live on starch and canned and processed food. So because of the diet they are eating, they get high blood pressure, diabetes etc. Genocide through poverty???? I really count my blessings daily. Than I hit my knees and pray. You all are included in my prayers...Have a great day. TGIF...(That means nothing to me, but to some of the young one's have a ball)

Oct 15, 2009

Music

I have a true love of music. All kinds. A real soft spot and affection for delta blues. I can play the piano a little. Very little, because I stopped playing for many years. I wanna learn how to play the harmonica. That way when I get upset I can pull out my harmonica and instead of talking I can blow into the metal and everyone will know how I am feeling instantly. It would probably stop me from cursing to. I am sure there is a real nasty chord or something. Life is starting to turn into one big musical anyhow. I'd like to see congress just one time sing liken an opera. Sort of like a Fiddler On The Roof of politicians. I know, my mind is twisted. It would certainly be more amusing than what CNN is currently showing. Now I am off to 7-11. Ironies of life? Today is payday. I started on the last day. They held back last week, I only have one day on my first check. That's ok. Before I belt out "I will survive"...I have to get in the shower...Have a great day. What instrument do you play if any, or would like to?

Oct 14, 2009

Battleflag- Lo Fidelity All Stars

From time to time I find song lyrics that really strike a chord. This is one of them.

Your construction
Smells of corruption
I manipulate to recreate
This air to ground saga
Gotta launder my karma
I said hallelujah to the sixteen loyal fans
Youll get down on your muthafuckin knees
And its time for your sickness again
Come on and tell me what you need
Tell me what is making you bleed
We got two more minutes and
We gonna cut to what you need
So one of six so tell me
One do you want to live
And one of seven tell me
Is it time for your muthafuckin ass to give
Tell me is it time to get down on your muthafuckin knees
Tell me is it time to get down

Im blown to the maxim
Two hemispheres battlin
Im blown to the maxim
Two hemispheres battlin
Suckin up, one last breath
Take a drag off of death

Hey mr. policeman
Is it time for getting away
Is it time for driving down the mother fuckin road
And running from your ass today

Now tell me if do you agree
Or tell me if Im makinyou bleed
I got a few more minutes and
Im gonna cut to what you need
So one of six so tell me
One do you want to live
And one of seven tell me
Is it time for your muthafuckin ass to give
Tell me is it time to get down on your muthafuckin knees
Tell me is it time to get down

Got a revolution behind my eyes
We got together and organize
Got a revolution behind my eyes
We got together and organize
Got a revolution behind my eyes
We got together and organize
You want a revolution behind your eyes
We got together and organize

Come on baby tell me
Yes we aim to please

Oct 13, 2009

Government fun early in the am.

Yes, I am off to that dreaded brick building called Department of Social Services. Jesse and I need Medical Assistance. I have paid taxes since I was 15 so I don't feel guilty. I hate the waiting room. Taking the number. Filling out numerous forms. The social worker snapping her gum totally bored as she looks at my paper and really does not give a flying fig about me or mine. They don't even open the doors til 8am but most people get there around 7:15am to get in the top ten numbers. So I am off to get covered like a sticky piece of tape with oodles of paperwork. I dread this chore, but I must do this. My biggest problem is my mouth. I always dress down and try to be nice and quiet and hope maybe the worker will actually push my paperwork through quickly. Oh look, the geico caveman commercial is on tv right now. I always wondered what he or they would think if they could see the world today. Pray I stay humble and don't get too frustrated.

Oct 12, 2009

Dreams




Yes, there is a day off. Not really, errands and chores abound. I want this little apt. to feel "homey". I have my prints hung on the wall. The walls are concrete so I have resorted to tape, but they make it look like "me", so I don't care. I have Marilyn Monroe, Andy Warhol and alot of scenic prints. I also have Kenny's mob movie prints. He was a huge Godfather fan. So Al Pacino shares this apt with us. The best things are my books. They are my treasures. They have gone many places with me. Even my newest one called Stink is here. When the world falls apart, I read. I also have a new goal. I have never been to Europe. I think it makes work easier when you have a dream. I want to go to London, Italy, France and Scotland, maybe Ireland. I am 42. I have not seen the world. I want to. I want to see Abbey Road. I want to walk on Coldharbour Lane. I want to taste all the different food. I want to sip wine in France. Hey, a girl has to have dreams. Once Jesse gets his behind in college and is self sufficient than I have no ties any longer. Jesse is getting close, and I am going to work as hard as I can to attain my goals. If you don't have dreams, what do you have? Peace....What are your dreams?

Oct 11, 2009

Trying to be thankful

Just like Muddy Waters, I get the blues. I woke up this morning and told myself to be thankful for all personal blessings that I do have. I have a roof, I have food. I have a job and an upcoming second one. I have a kid that loves me. I have a beautiful dog that knows all my secrets and has licked every tear from my eyes. So all in all I do have blessings. Things get all wiry and hairy and out of perspective. I must persevere. Look at Nelson Mandela. (No, I am not comparing myself). He went through hell and he hung in there. I am sure his experiences were way worse than mine. So in the words of someone...I shall overcome and come out on top. Or not. But dammit, I am going to give it my best. My son offered to cook me breakfast this morning. My dog got in bed with me and than we all jumped in Jesse's bed and harassed him. These are the moments people. When I smell that child's hair and hear him giggle at 19, that is my life vitamin to move forward. Plus, Baggy Pants switched computers yesterday and we are now using his "uber" cool one. 26"inch hi-def monitor, all the flashy features. Kenny bought him this. Gave him money ever month to buy a part until he had them all to build this. So I am now typing my blog on the computer my son built with his own two hands. I am happy today. The tears do dry. They might come back, but they will dry.

Oct 10, 2009

YouTube - Alabama 3 live at the Astoria "Mao Tse Tung says"

YouTube - Alabama 3 live at the Astoria "Mao Tse Tung says"

Tired

I have a new expression. I AM DONE. I have learned that sometimes family is the worst when it comes to sucking you dry. (not speaking of Baggy Pants)..This move broke me financially and starting next week I will be working two jobs. So if you have any more crap to add to my already overflowing plate, please stay away. When my husband died my income dropped by almost $1800.00. So please don't sing any blues to me about needing money etc. I DON'T HAVE IT. I am tired and my brain hurts. The juggling never ceases. My kid and I are eating peanut butter sandwiches and hot dogs. I bring dinner home from work and that is our good meal. I don't know what the hell happened to this country but it did. This is not the same land I grew up in. Everyone I see looks as tired as I am. I am struggling to find joy in my life and I am an optimist. It is getting harder to see because my eyes hurt. From tears and weariness. I am only 42. I wasn't supposed to be a widow. I was supposed to be sitting on a porch in Ga. with my husband with our dog. That plan changed way too quick for me to even comprehend. Sorry for the downbeat mode of my post today, but I have good days and bad days. I am going to try to make today a good one, I don't know how, but I shall try. These feelings just come over me and they wash over me like a summer rainstorm. I have to get ready for my 8am Saturday employee meeting. The thrills never stop. Say a prayer, light a candle for all the people who wake up and have to deal with this thing called living. We all need it. Peace...(Don't worry, I am not ready for the Reverend Jim Jones solution of cyanide Kool-Aid)

Oct 8, 2009

My son






Imagine sharing a large basement apartment with your 19 year old son. OH the joy. Thankfully we compromise. He is actually a pretty reasonable kid. In my imaginary mind he is the next Bill Gates. God parental pride is sickening. He is a trooper. This has been the worst year of our life. Absofuckinglutley...Yet, he gives me encouragement. When I screw up he is the first to tell me. He is a brutally honest person. He is going to kill me for posting this, but the dog, he and I still lay in bed and talk. Those are my treasured moments. I know how much he misses his dad. If I could erase his pain, I would turn into a human eraser. For many other mistakes as well. When does the parental guilt go away? I wish I was a June Cleaver type. Sadly, it just didn't work out that way. His father was his rock. I was more flighty. Kenny had me by 10 years in age and maturity. I remember being jealous that he would share secrets with him and not me. He told me I talk to much. He is right, lol. I am now glad they have those secrets that they shared. They are his personal treasures. We still cry together and than we laugh. We are going to make it. If I have to work 3 jobs I will. That boy will go to college. He does tech support for everyone and their brother. He gets paid by his friends to build them computers from scratch. He just needs those documents that life requires. I am now learning about college loans etc. Another mire of paperwork. I shall wade through it. My son. He will not just survive. He will thrive. I love you boy.

Oct 7, 2009

My concrete city....




Spent a day doing all the fun stuff, ie. post office, changing address, doctors, general errands. God do I love my rude city. The blunt people who give you the finger while your driving. That is a smile from another driver in this city. We show our love by being blunt. No sugar coating here. We are probably one of the top self medicating cities in the US. Maybe not, I am not a statician. I understand it. For the last two morning I have went upstairs and my landlord has ten empty beer cans on his coffee table. He rationalizes it, saying "I don't drive".. Good for him. He is no worse than the Baltimore people in line at the methadone clinics, or the housewife popping Xanax as she makes over easy eggs for her children. Baltimore has a code of ethics. We don't snitch. We dislike the government. We realize we can't change shit, so the beer cans pop, the crack pipes light and the junkies knock on your back door for scrap metal from your yard. So why amidst all the savages do I prefer this city to the bible belt? Because I am blunt. Are we all savages? There are beautiful people in this city as well. People who stand in the cold and give out soup and a meal and don't care why you don't have the money, just want you to have some food in your stomach. We have numerous needles exchange programs for harm reduction. We are not a stupid city. We fight for our rights. The homeless dude who babbles about doomsday is left alone and allowed to babble. Just about anyone can get medical care. Yeah, the cost of living is higher. I lost my husband due to poor medical care. So the price of rural living was actually more expensive than I ever imagined in my life. So today I am going to put on my nice blunt smile and go to work at 7-11, and put a smile on hopefully at least a few faces. Glad to be home.

Oct 6, 2009

Men, Men, and Men

Why are men so obsessed with sex? Why the hell did they invent Viagra. (I'm kidding about that, I know certain medications make Viagra helpful with side-effects from other medications etc). I have not been single in many years. Now I feel like a piece of meat on a rack. Even my own landlord stares at my boobs instead of my eyes, and I like to think I have rather nice eyes. Is it the nature of the beast? I know women who are the same way. Maybe it is that I am just still thinking of myself as married. I am not ready. People don't get me, ie. men. I don't care what you look like. It's your brain I want. If you can't put together a decent sentence, have an intelligent conversation, than I don't care how wealthy you are, (which many women tell me I am stupid) or what you drive. A sharp mind is the most attractive quality in a man or woman. It's what makes you unique and special. My landlord, who is VERY fond of me, has loads of money can't find Iraq on a map. To me, that negates everything else. I don't feel like playing the game. I know, I know, I am not getting any younger. What's so wrong with being alone? I enjoy my own company. I am in the middle of a huge lawsuit defending my late husband. My thoughts are consumed. I would love to meet a man one day to share my dreams and thoughts with. Just please make an attempt to look at my eyes.

Oct 5, 2009

7-11






Well, goal number one knocked out. I start at 7-11 Wednesday. I used to work there for a year and I dug it. I like being the smiling face scanning your coffee. Have another interview for a waitress job two nights a week for extra money. The good thing about 7-11 is it is exactly 6 minutes from my house on foot. No carbon imprint there from me. It's ironic, two months ago I had a couple thousand in the bank, now I am broke from the move and starting all over again. I am counting my blessings that I wasn't reduced to going to welfare. I have always worked. I am glad that I didn't burn bridges in life, even during my addiction, and am able to have references. I guess I am not ready to be some big hotshot CEO, but ah fuck it, who wants to be corrupt anyway. Humility is my strong suit.

Oct 4, 2009

A post secret that I relate very much to!

Sunday am.





A nice, slightly nippy Sunday. This neighborhood is very quiet and peaceful. It saddens me how bad the economy is everywhere. The poor people abound at every glance. I guess the comfort is that I know these people. I don't feel like a stranger. These are the people I grew up with. I know concrete poverty. This is odd, but it brings me comfort. I felt like a stranger in Georgia. This is what I know and was raised with. I know how to find my way around this maze. Everything is in walking distance. There is public transportation here. It doesn't take a half hour to get "into town".. I am in town. The most comforting thing of all was turning on the morning news, and seeing the two local hosts that I have been watching since I was 6. That's when I really knew I was home. Odd, but that did it.

Sep 30, 2009

My first day out.....

Today is a big day for me. Doctors, job hunting etc. I am weary of boxes and bubble wrap. I have Kenny's urn on the built in wall shelf next to my bed. ( I like that feature, lots of space for books, nick-knacs etc. I woke up this morning and looked at that urn. We used to rent this house. In 2003. Now I am here with our son. Jesse was disgruntled at first. "I don't want to rent a basement apartment". Now he is coming around, the more it looks like a home. He got to see all his little girlfriends. I shall see my girlfriends today. I learned that home is where you do lay your head. Jesse and I are together. We have cable tv, internet and gas and electric all included in our rent. Everytime he call this his house I remind him who pays the bills. He gets that grim look on his face. I just want him to realize that coming up with the bill money every month is no joke. He is talking cellphones, school and work, in that order. God to be 19. He is overcoming Kenny's death very privately, in his own way. Kenny was not his biological father. He raised him since he was four months old. So to me, that was his father. Kenny was the more stable parent during the addiction years. It has taken J a lonnnnggg time to learn that my word is good. Kenny taught him the ultimate life lesson. All a man has in this world is his word and his balls. Jesse believes in this. Jesse has a very strong belief in God. That is the one thing we share. Free will, choices and faith. I think that is a good foundation for new beginnings. God Bless All..