Oct 20, 2009

Disrespect

Jesse and I share an apt. We also share a phone that I pay for. I pay for everything. He goes to school to get his final 3 credits to get his diploma, but if I was honest, if he wouldn't have goofed off last year he would not need to do this. Anyhow, my son called me a CUNT this morning. I am in tears. Today my shift switches and I work 3-11. So I am trying to knock out all my appointments and phone calls as I cannot use the work phone when I work day shift and accomplish all this. This boy talks on the phone all night. I use the magic jack, which I highly recommend. That way our calls don't interfere with our landlords. I woke up this morning with a list of calls to make and things to do, before I trudge off to work. I am fighting with an umemployed 19 year old over the phone. He said that he is getting his education. He goofed off in the 11th and 12th grades. He got straight A's but his attendance failed him. Jesse was always smart and could miss class and test out perfect. Rules are rules and if you miss 9 days in one quarter you fail everything for that quarter. The school worked with him because Kenny and I always went to the meetings and they saw we were involved parents. Here is my question? How do I get this child to show respect? I have alot of parental guilt, but that was the past. I spent a total of 10 hours in Social Services on my days off to get medical assistance and food stamps to help til I start getting steady paychecks. I find out Thursday if I get the second job waitressing the graveyard shift. I love to work so that's no problem. My brother in law said he needed a smack in the mouth for that. I can't hit my child. A..I don't believe in it. B..I'll go to jail. My husband was very weak in the aspect of correcting him because he had that addict guilt. So he has been allowed to be disrespectful for many years. I will no longer tolerate it. Does anyone have any suggestions? I am a peaceful person. I thought if Jesse saw me work hard and do the right thing I would earn my respect. Not happening. We are close. But his mouth has got to go. I need some help here people. Noone has ever called me a cunt, (not counting drunks in bars when I bartended and cut them off) We are supposed to be a team. My brother in law and family will be up here on the 30th. He was supposed to give Jesse a van free and clear, it was a promise he made to his brother. He said he is taking Jesse for a drive and explaining to him that until his mouth cleans up he will continue to take the bus. I am tired of crying. I love this boy. Doesn't he know it?

7 comments:

Lou said...

Whoa! DO NOT tolerate being called that. Take the phone away, don't give him the van, no money, nothing..till he apoligizes.

It does not matter what you did in the past, no one should be allowed to disrepect you like that. I predict it will get more frequent if you don't take a hard line now.

I can't imagine trying to raise a kid that age by myself. I don't know what I would have done without my husband for "muscle" in our house. I feel so bad for you, Lori.

avoid and distract said...

I've never called my mom a cunt, but there was I time when I stood in my bedroom doorway screaming, "FUCK YOU" over and over, and getting into wrestling matches with her where I broke her damn finger. So I can understand where Jesse is coming from, and I can understand that it's just not right. I disrespected my mom because of how she neglected me and messed up stuff from the past. It took me about a year living away from her and lots of responsibility to accept my anger and get over it.

He just needs time and purpose. Maybe you should make him get a job. I never had a job when I was disrespecting my mom, and having one made me appreciate the hardship she went through to keep me alive, even when she wasn't doing a great job as a parent to me.

Good luck. <3

Whitemist said...

This is a tough one and I have no answers. I have seen it before and it is heartbreaking. A friend who is very similar to you in many of the life situations told her 18 year old, you do not work, you need to leave. She has a very hard with that, but it did seem to work, the boy now has 2 jobs, but I am no expert.

Pookie said...

Lori,

I wish I could say some magic words and not only make the pain go away, but make him suddenly be respectful..I gotta tell you something I've learned the hard way though. No matter what the reason was for him being allowed to get away with being disrespectful, the bottom line is he was, and you just can't make him suddenly show respect because you're tired of it. (Please believe me, I'm not trying to sound mean, you know me and you know I love you!)Unfortunately with children today, respect for them is like our addiction was for us; just like we didn't get clean until we truly wanted to, so they will not show respect unless and until they honestly want to. He may fake it for awhile if he wants the van bad enough, or if someone makes him feel guilty enough he may watch his tongue for a bit, but unless and until he truly understands how disrespectful it is, and how much it hurts you, and unless and until he really doesn't want to be the cause of that pain, it isn't going to change. Things will be great for awhile, and then as soon as he gets angry with you, it will happen again.

I used to wonder how my daughter could do the things to me she's done, and say the things she says...I used to cry "but I'm her mother!! How could she say/do that to her MOTHER???" It took a long time to understand that the good old days of 'Honor thy mother and thy father' are gone. All the old family values that we were brought up with have gone the way of the 8-track tape and the Video Disc Player. It's now the exception rather than the rule to see families who actually stick together...

>sigh< I'm sorry sweetie, wish I could be there to give you a comforting hug; hopefully as he gets older he will realize, and wake up, before it's too late....

Lori said...

Lou- I did take the hard line with this. My landlord sat him down tonight and told him if he ever heard him disrespect me in this house again, even though he is just our landlord,he could not live here.
He said she is my friend and no matter what she has done, good or bad she is your mother. No car no money, until I get the respect I feel I deserve. It made me cry as we have many great moments together. I believe we will have many more if I hold my ground. He tried to play it off like he was joking. I told him he will not live under my roof if that word is ever used towards me again.

Avoid and Distract- Nice to meet you. I was not the worlds best mom. He knows it and so do I. Alot of recovering addicts try to overcompensate because of guilt from past deeds. He never went without, but there was always the "elephant" in the room. Hopefully this was a one time thing. Thanks for stopping by.

Whitemist-Noone gives you a book when you have a baby. I am taking the stance your friend took. He is going to school everyday and doing well. I just can't have my son ever speak to me like that again. If it happens again, he will lose the comfort of being home with "mommy".

Pookie- I love you too sweetie,.You are right. The times have changed. That is the one thing you will notice in the south. The children in the town I lived in started out saying Yes Ma'am No Sir from the time they could speak. You know Baltimore. A whole different beast. I am just going to continue doing well and if he can't particpate in being positive than he will have to find his own way. I love him with every breath in my soul. We are both hurting and grieving.This was probably the worst year of our life, for he and I. I just want us to heal. I start therapy next month, lol. My famous doctor who has known me for years recommended me to a pyschologist to talk to someone objective. I need to. Sort of like a place to go to get some good talking/listening in. I have big hugs for you too. This generation is a different kind of beast than ours. I love you and hope you get settled, adjusted and happy.

the walking man said...

Personally I would wait for a calm moment to prevail when there is no issue of the moment on the table and from the blue ask "Am I still a cunt?"

Lori said...

WM- That works well with him. It has to be the right moment. When I came home from work last night it was late, around midnight. My landlord and Jesse were upstairs and Gary said to him, "There are rules everywhere you live, your mom lives in my house and so do you. She pays rent, she is my friend. The next time I hear you disprespect your mother you are out of here for two days". He said walk around for two days and think what it would be like to be homeless without your mom taking care of you. Than come back and see if she is still a cunt. J got real quiet and did not disprect him. His normal answer would have been to tell him to mind his own business. This time he just listened and was silent. I think he knows Gary means it. He knows Gary is not kidding. Overall J is a great kid. He had a screwed up childhood, and this has probably been the worst year of our life. I think he actually got it. I hope so. It's getting cold in Bmore, and what would mommy's boy do outside for two days? That was some good advice. The mood has to be right to have that kind of discussion. Thank you.