Oct 10, 2009
Tired
I have a new expression. I AM DONE. I have learned that sometimes family is the worst when it comes to sucking you dry. (not speaking of Baggy Pants)..This move broke me financially and starting next week I will be working two jobs. So if you have any more crap to add to my already overflowing plate, please stay away. When my husband died my income dropped by almost $1800.00. So please don't sing any blues to me about needing money etc. I DON'T HAVE IT. I am tired and my brain hurts. The juggling never ceases. My kid and I are eating peanut butter sandwiches and hot dogs. I bring dinner home from work and that is our good meal. I don't know what the hell happened to this country but it did. This is not the same land I grew up in. Everyone I see looks as tired as I am. I am struggling to find joy in my life and I am an optimist. It is getting harder to see because my eyes hurt. From tears and weariness. I am only 42. I wasn't supposed to be a widow. I was supposed to be sitting on a porch in Ga. with my husband with our dog. That plan changed way too quick for me to even comprehend. Sorry for the downbeat mode of my post today, but I have good days and bad days. I am going to try to make today a good one, I don't know how, but I shall try. These feelings just come over me and they wash over me like a summer rainstorm. I have to get ready for my 8am Saturday employee meeting. The thrills never stop. Say a prayer, light a candle for all the people who wake up and have to deal with this thing called living. We all need it. Peace...(Don't worry, I am not ready for the Reverend Jim Jones solution of cyanide Kool-Aid)
Oct 8, 2009
My son
Imagine sharing a large basement apartment with your 19 year old son. OH the joy. Thankfully we compromise. He is actually a pretty reasonable kid. In my imaginary mind he is the next Bill Gates. God parental pride is sickening. He is a trooper. This has been the worst year of our life. Absofuckinglutley...Yet, he gives me encouragement. When I screw up he is the first to tell me. He is a brutally honest person. He is going to kill me for posting this, but the dog, he and I still lay in bed and talk. Those are my treasured moments. I know how much he misses his dad. If I could erase his pain, I would turn into a human eraser. For many other mistakes as well. When does the parental guilt go away? I wish I was a June Cleaver type. Sadly, it just didn't work out that way. His father was his rock. I was more flighty. Kenny had me by 10 years in age and maturity. I remember being jealous that he would share secrets with him and not me. He told me I talk to much. He is right, lol. I am now glad they have those secrets that they shared. They are his personal treasures. We still cry together and than we laugh. We are going to make it. If I have to work 3 jobs I will. That boy will go to college. He does tech support for everyone and their brother. He gets paid by his friends to build them computers from scratch. He just needs those documents that life requires. I am now learning about college loans etc. Another mire of paperwork. I shall wade through it. My son. He will not just survive. He will thrive. I love you boy.
Oct 7, 2009
My concrete city....
Spent a day doing all the fun stuff, ie. post office, changing address, doctors, general errands. God do I love my rude city. The blunt people who give you the finger while your driving. That is a smile from another driver in this city. We show our love by being blunt. No sugar coating here. We are probably one of the top self medicating cities in the US. Maybe not, I am not a statician. I understand it. For the last two morning I have went upstairs and my landlord has ten empty beer cans on his coffee table. He rationalizes it, saying "I don't drive".. Good for him. He is no worse than the Baltimore people in line at the methadone clinics, or the housewife popping Xanax as she makes over easy eggs for her children. Baltimore has a code of ethics. We don't snitch. We dislike the government. We realize we can't change shit, so the beer cans pop, the crack pipes light and the junkies knock on your back door for scrap metal from your yard. So why amidst all the savages do I prefer this city to the bible belt? Because I am blunt. Are we all savages? There are beautiful people in this city as well. People who stand in the cold and give out soup and a meal and don't care why you don't have the money, just want you to have some food in your stomach. We have numerous needles exchange programs for harm reduction. We are not a stupid city. We fight for our rights. The homeless dude who babbles about doomsday is left alone and allowed to babble. Just about anyone can get medical care. Yeah, the cost of living is higher. I lost my husband due to poor medical care. So the price of rural living was actually more expensive than I ever imagined in my life. So today I am going to put on my nice blunt smile and go to work at 7-11, and put a smile on hopefully at least a few faces. Glad to be home.
Oct 6, 2009
Men, Men, and Men
Why are men so obsessed with sex? Why the hell did they invent Viagra. (I'm kidding about that, I know certain medications make Viagra helpful with side-effects from other medications etc). I have not been single in many years. Now I feel like a piece of meat on a rack. Even my own landlord stares at my boobs instead of my eyes, and I like to think I have rather nice eyes. Is it the nature of the beast? I know women who are the same way. Maybe it is that I am just still thinking of myself as married. I am not ready. People don't get me, ie. men. I don't care what you look like. It's your brain I want. If you can't put together a decent sentence, have an intelligent conversation, than I don't care how wealthy you are, (which many women tell me I am stupid) or what you drive. A sharp mind is the most attractive quality in a man or woman. It's what makes you unique and special. My landlord, who is VERY fond of me, has loads of money can't find Iraq on a map. To me, that negates everything else. I don't feel like playing the game. I know, I know, I am not getting any younger. What's so wrong with being alone? I enjoy my own company. I am in the middle of a huge lawsuit defending my late husband. My thoughts are consumed. I would love to meet a man one day to share my dreams and thoughts with. Just please make an attempt to look at my eyes.
Oct 5, 2009
7-11
Well, goal number one knocked out. I start at 7-11 Wednesday. I used to work there for a year and I dug it. I like being the smiling face scanning your coffee. Have another interview for a waitress job two nights a week for extra money. The good thing about 7-11 is it is exactly 6 minutes from my house on foot. No carbon imprint there from me. It's ironic, two months ago I had a couple thousand in the bank, now I am broke from the move and starting all over again. I am counting my blessings that I wasn't reduced to going to welfare. I have always worked. I am glad that I didn't burn bridges in life, even during my addiction, and am able to have references. I guess I am not ready to be some big hotshot CEO, but ah fuck it, who wants to be corrupt anyway. Humility is my strong suit.
Oct 4, 2009
Sunday am.
A nice, slightly nippy Sunday. This neighborhood is very quiet and peaceful. It saddens me how bad the economy is everywhere. The poor people abound at every glance. I guess the comfort is that I know these people. I don't feel like a stranger. These are the people I grew up with. I know concrete poverty. This is odd, but it brings me comfort. I felt like a stranger in Georgia. This is what I know and was raised with. I know how to find my way around this maze. Everything is in walking distance. There is public transportation here. It doesn't take a half hour to get "into town".. I am in town. The most comforting thing of all was turning on the morning news, and seeing the two local hosts that I have been watching since I was 6. That's when I really knew I was home. Odd, but that did it.
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