Mar 22, 2008
Well I finally met someone in person that I communicate with on the internet, and I was really surprised what a decent person she turned out to be. So if you are reading this, it was great to meet you face to face....
I have the head cold from hell... Ugh...my head feels like it weighs 100lbs. This cold is a gift from my son and husband as they just had it last week..How quickly germs spread in a family.
Work was kind of slow last night for a Friday...I think maybe because this is Easter weekend...AT least tonight I know i hae a party of 12, so no matter what, that right there should take care of me. Don't feel much like writing today. Too much stuff to do around the house. Everyone take care and have a great day...
Mar 21, 2008
those words of yours,
destroy anything within
earshot. Pure meanness...
Your world isn't working out for you,
I am sorry
Verbal jabs and punches bruise
the spirit and joy within
Must you take everything?
How much is enough?
Every smile or glimmer of peace
incites your psychosis...
than the mission begins
to suck every ounce of pleasure
that exists around you...
Something isn't right...
Mar 19, 2008
Things have finally settled down.. I spent my day off yesterday mostly at the pharmacy. What a pain in the butt. I explained to Kenny that I am going to fill out his Medicare Part D. he needs supplemental insurance. If it wasn't for my employer I would have been SOL...I was really touched. Took him back this morning for treatment. That took up half the day. It's amazing the difference the medication makes in him. Than we went to see his psychiatrist...they have him on mood stabilizers to compensate for the depression side-effects.. Life just keeps plodding along.
Mar 18, 2008
Work went great last night...I have to meet with my boss at 3pm. I need to borrow some cash to get out of this whole I am , but finally I am able to see a light at the end of the tunnel with this job. I am going to be able to support myself. I made an appointment at a drug program tomorrow morning. I need a back up. Kenny has blown thru most of my meds and I can't take it anymore. I am not going to let anything jeopardize this opportunity I have. I am part of something good and positive. I am a very (usually) self destructive person. I am not going to sabotage any more positive things that come my way. God knows they are few and far between these days. No more destroying good things in my life. Instead I am going to embrace and accept that I am worthy of nice things and to be surrounded by good people. I think through the years of dealing with the element of people that I have dealt with in the past, I have almost grown accustomed to that. NO more...this is the beginning, and only I can make it happen...
Mar 17, 2008
I have a severe case of the blahs..Work went well, that is the one area in my life where I feel confident. Kenny, my mom, and my son J came in to eat. We ran a cornbeef and cabbage special for $3.17..It doesn't get any cheaper than that. We did that to bring in business as we are new. Well, except for my husband, noone even thanked me for paying for dinner. I know, that's not a big deal, but than my mom bitched about it. I don't know why I let her get under my skin, but she just does. So when I come home the first thing I do is self-medicate. I hate it. Sometimes feeling nothing is much easier than feeling anything. That is the way I feel right now and it sucks. Other people's shit is creeping into my mind and I work hard to not let that happen...and yet it does...Don't feel like writing anymore
All this holiday basically means to me is that I will, hopefully make alot of money selling green beer and corn beef and cabbage. Other than that it's just another day to me. Kenny is back into his black hole of life again, which is making me nuts. No matter what kind of mess we are in, I always get up willing to face the day head on. Not him, he buries himself in the blankets. I do that once in a great while, but then I feel a sense of urgency to fight whatever demons are creating the problems. That is the difference between us. He will step up to the plate in certain kinds of situations, me others. He just has zero tolerance these days for bullshit. So if in his mind the situation at the present time is bullshit, he refuses to deal with it. I just feel like my plate is full and I need some help. That is one of the reasons I am so happy about this new job, I see a future where I might actually be financially independent. And that is giving me a bright spot, a light at the end of the tunnel. So I am keeping my eye on the prize...freedom maybe?