Dec 30, 2012

It's the end of the world as we know it...

Hope all had happy holidays. I personally can't wait for January 2 to arrive so all the freaking hoopla is over and life as we know it returns to a form of normalcy. Things are peaceful right now and I am loving it. Looking for a new place to live is always a drag, but it has to be done. I do know I like the community that I currently reside in so I won't be straying far. K checked herself into detox and than rehab. I am so proud of her. She is regaining the support of her family which she has missed like crazy. Like anything in life you just have to be ready. She is currently in black-out phase, so I haven't spoke with her yet. Last on my mind this morning? The world did not end as expected. I don't think that we will know the precise date when the planet says ENOUGH. Even my late husband believed this was the year. So many folks were wrong. I personally am glad that life is continuing. There are still many things on my bucket list, shit, my life list. It's never been easy, this crazy journey. That's ok. I like a challenge. Sitting here typing with my dog taking care of warming my feet, I know I am blessed. We are all blessed. Many people don't realize their blessings. As I always say, it's the little things. I don't know what twist or turn the life journey has in store for me now, but I shall ride it out and things are going to be ok. Peace!

Dec 22, 2012

Sorry for my absence

Things have been crazy, insane etc. My roommates K and T and their daughter S have been going through it non-stop. I'm sure if you watch tv. you will see all the ads for prescription drug abuse. Well T is the poster child for that. Everything came to a head last week when he put his fist through a wall and ate 30!!!! Xanax at once. He was in a full blown benzo rage. He took the locks off his wife's doors so she had no "safe place" to go. All this happened during the week the house got foreclosed on. Yup, moving time. AGAIN. I also made another decision. I need to live alone. Just myself and the dog. Roommates and I don't have much success long term. I found out that her husband stole at least 100 of my pills. I'm thinking I'm insane and can't count. So the crisis has peaked. He is legally removed from the home. I am looking for a place for me and the mutt. This place will be picked carefully as this will be (don't laugh) the LAST time I move unless it is the coroner taking me out. So two steps forward and one back. It happens. Thank God I have the coping skills to deal with this. I love you all. Does anyone know what has happened to Lou's blog? I have been reading her forever and love her and her family dearly. Any updates would be appreciated. I love you all and am back to blogging. Wish me happy home shopping...sigh...Be well and HO HO HO

Nov 16, 2012

Being Thankful

I have had a case of the blues lately, finally able to shake it off. I can only handle so much stress before I shut down totally. Thank God for Rocco who makes me get out of bed. He is a very vocal dog, so when he needs attention he barks right in my ear. There is something to be said for having a sense of purpose and being responsible for another living thing. No laying around when another living thing depends on you. Everytime I think I have gotten rid of all toxic people in my world a new one pops up. Like a weed. This weekend Rocco and I are going to Joe's this weekend, so that should be a refreshing change. I drive by the outlet strip and just repeat "I will not stop and spend" over and over. I have been managing my medications very well and that is a great feeling. The Paxil seems to be helping alot. I am just wondering if your body gets used to a certain medication and needs to be changed or upped. I need to remind myself to mention this to my doctor at my next visit. There are just days that seem harder than others. I constantly feel like I am playing catch up. When I drive through Lancaster, Pa on my way to Joe's I am always amazed as I pass a horse and buggy with a family on their way to the local market to sell their wares. They seem content to work, have faith and be thankful. It's at these times when I feel that I have so much to be grateful for. That is what I need to remember on the sluggish days.

Nov 5, 2012

Checking In

Well hello and good morning strangers. I simply had nothing to write about lately and just took a break from the laptop, doing "stuff", ie, errands, paperwork etc. The banalities of life. When I got back from Joe's house, my older son arrived the night Hurricane Sandy hit. Sigh, only him. Good news- He is off heroin, I do believe. Not so good news- He has replaced his old love with a new one. Good old legal alcohol. He was here for 3 nights. Drank every single day. He is a chatty drunk. It got to the point where my head literally hurt, one of the main reasons I haven't been wr iting. I took him home Friday morning. I love him but he mentally drains me. My roommates can't get over how different my two boys are. Everyone is talking about the election. I wish there was a third candidate, lol. Not funny I know, just simply how I feel. I'm lacking that sense of excitement or anticipation that one gets when they feel the world is going to be a better place. I'm starting to think that our country is beyond repair. All the government is doing are placing band-aids on gaping, infected wounds. Voting to me reminds me of a horse race like The Preakness. Every once in awhile theres a horse thats name catches the wind (Secretariat) and the crowd just knows that the race is going to be exciting and the win historical. Sadly the surge of excitement is not in the air this election year. On another note life is good for the most part. Rocco will be 3 months old on the 8th. He has been developing his own quirky, funny personality. I love him so much. He still has a ton of growing to do if he ever wants to fit into his tremendous thunder-paws. I am learning alot about myself courtesy of Mr. Rocco. I have never gotten a dog at the age of 6 weeks. I feel like I personally gave birth...I am learning how powerful the pull of this puppy tugs at my heart. Trust, loyalty and unconditional love. It's an amazing thing. After shots, it only costs me $15.00 a month in Kibbles-n-Bits. What I get back is priceless. Sorry this turned into me babbling, but..I just wanted to check in and say hi. I also have to stop by and visit everyone's blogs and catch up.

Oct 25, 2012

I shall be gone til Sunday evening....

Yes, time to visit my friend Joe. Rocco and I are packing up this morning and getting ready for our two hour drive. I must tell you that Joe is more geared up to see puppy than I. I can hear it in his voice. He calls it our baby. The Polish Puppy. Except it has an Italian name which pisses him off to no end. He calls him Stosho Stanislov. Rocco keeps his real name a secret and goes willing to Joe when he calls. My doctor said if he could write every senior with high blood pressure a puppy instead of lipitor etc.. he would. Doc thinks that animals work wonders with seniors that live alone. I know he is doing miracles for this middle-aged (gulp) woman. I had my monthly lunch with my Baltimore sisters aka best friends. Great time as always. Stacy and Kelly are sisters, I am just an honorary one. Never underestimate the value of one or two true friends in a lifetime. The comfort of being with someone who knows you, faults and flaws and all, and loves you unconditionally is a gift. No amount of money or shopping or whatever can replace someone who loves you. YOU.. Just the way you are. I've been rather busy with puppies and some drama so I haven't had the writing urge. I am learning not to engage with people who are crazy, lol....and it is working. Enough said. The world keeps spinning and so far I haven't fallen off the globe and I guess that's good enough for now. Peace

Oct 9, 2012

Life is sweet

Rocco and I drove to my friend Joe's home this past weekend. 2 hour ride. I had to drive through Lancaster PA. The Amish were hard at working, selling their wares, along with all the commercial souveniour shops. So many pumpkins and squash. Made for interesting driving. Fall is in the air, jack frost making guest appearances on my morning windshield. This was the first time Joe has invited me to his home. He has always been embarrassed about the state of the inside. He is a now 75 year old man who is quite messy. A collector of books. The home is gorgeous. Picture windows that let you peek at the deer in his backyard. There are books everywhere. Joe has a true love of the written word. Do the math. His age x books...Yup, they are all over his home. Piles and piles. He could no lie, fill a small county library. I made a big fuss over the beauty of the home. He was afraid I would judge him on his sloppiness. Ha, ME? Seriously? I am the last to judge. I have resided in beautiful homes, hotels and hovels. I judge no one. There but the grace of God... So we went out to a very nice pub/dinner place. Ate the best damn hamburger I have had. ( I confess, I have had many a burger in my day) We split a home-made peach cobbler and I had a yummy Bailey's over ice. In the am. I started cleaning. He and Rocco had hit it off from the beginning. Joe and the puppy played outside. He looked happy. I have a feeling in my gut that he is getting his affairs in order. Joe wants me to clean his house. Put some order to it. He pulled out a silver tea serving set he wants his favorite daughter Jane to have. I left wistful. Here is a man who has known nothing but hard work his whole life. He spends his weeks at the library perfecting his resume and searching for work. We both know that this is futile but I am playing the game. Sense of purpose folks. I actually felt ashamed at how many years while he was hard at work, I was a total hedonist, living for the moment. On the way home I could feel my eyes drooping so I pulled into a trading post. Parked next to a horse and buggy. Yes, I did. Purchased a coffee, ok an iced coffee with whipped cream and chocolate drizzle. Rocco and I streched legs and paws than finished the drive home. I have learned many things in my two year friendship with Joe. The most important one was this weekend. Don't waste time. Living is but for so long....Make it count. Peace!

Oct 2, 2012

I'm so in love with you....

Rocco. Yup, I have managed to keep my plants alive for over a year. Theres a saying in recovery. Before you have a relationship, get a plant. If you keep the plant alive for a year, get a pet. After a year with the pet, than you are ready for a "live person". Of course I don't always do things in the correct order, but so be it. I am as happy as if I gave birth. Since Auggie I haven't had a dog. I shared Harley with sis-in-law, but it's not the same as having your own. Plus I do like the advantage of him being so young so I can train him the way I want. I am rambling, so let me start in order. Jay had stopped up two nights ago with this beautiful Rotty puppy for me to check out. I fell in love, so he brought the dog back to his owner and told him that I would take the puppy. He has had all of his shots and his tail has been docked and he has already been checked out by the vet. He shows no signs of having future hip diseases. The best part of this whole getting a puppy situation is this: There was a time when my son wouldn't trust me to take care of a goldfish. The fact that he brought me this puppy let's me know that he has noticed the change through the years. Jay knows I am responsible and can be trusted to take care of this dog. That was a better gift than Rocco. The gift of Jay finally taking me seriously and knowing I have been stable for a long enough time that we now have trust in our relationship. One day at a time, or one minute at a time. The payoff is tremendous. Peace!

Sep 29, 2012

Re-runs & Gossip

I am watching someone I love and care for falling into the hell of addiction. Thankfully I just listen as I know there not a damn thing I can do until that person is ready to make a change. It's odd, you know, to see yourself about 15 years ago with that "everything will work out somehow" attitude. It makes me thankful I have conquered the majority of my demons. It makes me thankful for the life I live today. I just pray that my friend's epiphany will come in time before all is lost that can't be replaced. I don't like watching a re-run of my past. Anyhow, I am making a real effort not to commit a sin that I am guilty of way to much. Gossip. It starts out so innocently and than the next thing you know, you and a friend are disecting the life of a mutual friend as if they were a frog. NONYA is my new mantra. None Ya Business. If it doesn't apply or have relevance to me or my family than I will not support any conversations that are negative. Women are not the only ones guilty of this. Men love to gossip ALOT. Seems to be alot of yard bashing in the neighborhoods. Men love them some yard talk. I just realize I catch myself saying things at times that are better left unsaid. I bought myself a cheap little leather and silver bracelet that says Count Your Blessings. Everytime I look at the engraved words it is a reminder of how lucky and blessed I am. I don't ever want to forget the gifts that I have been showered with in my lifetime. Sunshine and Rain...Joy and Pain.....Peace!

Sep 16, 2012

Death With Dignity

Yesterday I watched a documentary on HBO about the state of Oregon and how it allows people who, when they have tried all these medical options, chemo etc..they have the legal right to ask their doctor to write them a prescription so they can die at home at the time of their choosing. Every person that was featured seemed almost happy that their pain and suffering would soon be ending. They had made peace with death. This touched me deeply. Can you see a time where your quality of life would decline to the degree that you would prefer to say good-bye while you still had your mental faculties and wits? Would you just want to live for the press of a morphine button? There was another not so nice side to this story. A rather poor gentleman had prostrate cancer and his insurance company sent him a letter that stated unless the doctors could guarantee that any new meds would increase his life-span by a 5 year minimum, than they would only pay for hospice and pallitave care. They also offered to pay for the death with dignity prescription. Leave it to insurance companies to fuck up something well intended. So now the quarrel in other states is will this become a way of euthanizing the elderly poor? I put nothing past big business. One gentleman was given his 6 month left to live note and was trying to move to Oregon but was told that he would be dead from cancer before he would be able to establish residency. Most of the doctors felt that by allowing patients to do this themselves they weren't violating the oath of "Thou shall do no harm". I was wondering what you intelligent readers feel about this. I personally think that when a human being reaches the point of not being able to control their body fluids and is in a medicated haze, there isn't that much quality of life. I believe this should be an option for everyone. I hope that when my time comes to meet my maker I shall be surrounded with family and have full clarity. On a lighter note....Happy Sunday. I am noticing the birds are sleeping in later and the sun is getting later in making the grand appearance. It's getting to be that time of year.....Peace!

I just like this postcard....

Sep 15, 2012

What to do?

It's been awhile since the urge to write has beckoned me. I'm finally settled in my new place and I love it. I have the living room finished and it is just the way I want it. My roommate Katie says it's perfect and homey. I think she has wonderful taste so that was a decent complement. I'm waiting for my friend Joe to arrive today. We shall do the usual. Dinner and watch some tv. The best part of our time together is when we simply talk. He uses the word chat. "Lets chat". I love the sound of it. In other things that have been on my mind, I am literally astounded by the prescription drug abuse by our younger generation. All of us might have drilled in no illegal drugs, but apparently they think it's ok to rob our medicine cabinets. The worst part is when someone genuinely needs pain medication the pill abusers have made it very difficult for the folks in genuine need. My friends mother-in-law is 60 something and works 3 jobs just to make ends meet. She has everything wrong with her. Very nice woman. She is actually afraid to ask her doctor for medication, which she desparetly needs. I think that is a damn shame. Thankfully she is listening to her daughter-in-law and found a new doctor that will listen to her and hopefully help her with her needs. The invincibility of youth. I remember it well. 40 and 50 seemed eons aways. 22 years old with balls of steel. What consequences? That word meant nothing to me. I have noticed when I try to engage a younger person in a conversation about how they are going to ruin their life, it is going in one ear and out the other. I just hope that maybe I get through to one person. Part of the reason I moved out of Tina's home is because she is dealing with many issues with her adult son. I felt that by my being there she couldn't give him her full focus. Noone wants to acknowledge that their 21 year old son is addicted to opiates or whatever. So many kids are lost these days. Their coping skills seem to be self-medication. I just want to shake them and the addiction away. Sadly, that is not possible. My question to all of you is this- What can we as knowledgable adults do to help save this next generation? Literally save them from themselves. That is what has been on my mind all week. I see parents cry. Father's turn their head away because their voice is breaking as they try to describe what they are going through. Also the economy is no help to this situation. How many of you know young people with AA or BA degrees that are unemployed? How many of you are having your young ones need to come home for financial reasons? What are we to do? I would really like some feedback on this because many of my adult friends are in this situation. Just because some of us were able to save ourselves doesn't mean we have a magic wand with answers. Also, I am 45. It took wasting the best years of my life to understand. Sigh...I have errands to run and waiting on Joe to get here. God Bless and be well. Peace!

Sep 6, 2012


Getting settled in my new place. I still love sis-in-law and consider her a dear friend. We simply are two very different people. I am in walking distance of the old house. Her and I were joking about sharing custody of the dog. Crazy, huh? We both have sons. She is praying her son starts to turn into a man and become self-supporting. My son (not my older one) wasn't welcome in our home. Neither was my friend Joe who is 74. Joe would arrive Saturday night at around 7pm and we would go out to dinner and maybe a movie. We came back and off to sleep we went. No raucous bedroom behavior. Simply isn't possible. Than we would wake up and go out to breakfast and he would go home by 2pm. most times as he doesn't like to drive after dark. That was too stressful for her. It just always felt like it was her home as she had 52 years worth of furniture and whatnots. So I basically lived in my bedroom. I have accumulated quite a bit of my own things since moving to PA and my room was getting cluttered as I didn't want to disrupt her design in the rest of the home. Anyhow, bottom line, I think, and she agrees, that we will be better friends now that we aren't living together. So now I am on my own. I rent from a couple with a beautiful baby who will be two this month. She is adorable. It breaks my heart because she has now figured out that "Auntie" lives downstairs and she will beat on the upstairs door to let her dad know that she wants to come visit. They tell her that I am home and she can visit later. So now instead of spoiling the dog rotten, it is now a beautiful two year old. The living room looks like me and so the bedroom will soon as well. I go pick up my new work schedule today at 2:30. Very excited. As I write these words I see how far many of us have come since we all started writing. Maybe there is something wonderful about a bunch of "mad women scribbling"...Peace!

Sep 5, 2012

Checking in....

Sorry I haven't been writing but I have an one bedroom apartment and I have been slammed moving. Yes, I moved again, but thank God it's right down the street, literally. I was deadly serious about no more drama and I meant it. My new place is stunning. Absolutely gorgeous. I am very at peace here. Time to be a big girl and live on my own. As soon as I am unpacked I will write and read everyone's blogs. My internet should be all hooked up and ready to go tomorrow. Just didn't want anyone to worry, as I worry about everyone when they don't post for awhile. I love you all and I feel proud about the move I made. Oh yeah, I got the job I applied for. I start work Thursday. Whew....I will be writing and commenting regularly starting tomorrow. Be well, be happy and much love from Pa!

Aug 26, 2012

The tide has turned!

When I tell people that I live on faith, many laugh. I don't care. It has worked for many years and The Big Guy and I have our own wonderful relationship. Baggy Pants now has a nice home to live in. Turns out the couple he was renting from thought so highly of him that the husband called his mom, who resides in MD., and now Jay is packing his stuff after meeting her and is excited to move into, hopefully his permanent home. I met my friends K & T while walking the dog, T walking with his little daughter. They took my son and his friend in just because we are friends. That touched me so deep. Yes, my boy paid his way, it is just the point. They didn't hesitate. Proof in point, that their are still people out their who are amazing. Very refreshing after dealing with the predatory, vulture like fuckheads....(I do have a mouth like a truck driver, sorry). Certain people in our blog circle of words actually offered me help. Again, faith. There are still decent people on this planet. I know there are. I read your blogs. Proof in the pudding. We all have love of our families, life and laughter. We are the ones who dance when noone is looking. That is why I love you all....God Bless and Happy Sunday!

Aug 22, 2012

So busy...

Things have been a little hectic. I haven't had time to write or comment. Sorry. Let's see...Baggy Pants got a promotion to Audi, today is his first day. The problem is he has no-where to live. He just texted me that he was on his way to work and that yes, he slept in his car last night. He stopped by yesterday afternoon to say good-bye to me and he def had a place to go, with my brother. He showed up there around 9pm and suddenly the plans change. Not even one night on the couch so he could be fresh for his new job. I have new-found respect for my son. He went to work on time today. He is welcome here but the new job is near DC, which would triple the commute time from 40 minutes to about two hours each way. He told me he would have to change his oil every 3 days or so..whatever..Bottom line is I am going to spend the day burning up the phones and seeing what I can come up with for him. I also have a job interview at 10am. and am praying I get it. Due to our lovely economy I am taking it even though it is another waitress gig. I am pretty damn good at it and the money is necessary. This is the only diner I have seen up here. Baltimore has a diner on every corner. I eat breakfast at this place every Sunday. So keep your fingers crossed. Please pray for my son. He doesn't drink, do drugs, nothing except go to work 6 days a week. It's not like they gave him a week-end off to look for a place. He is learning life lessons that I don't want him to have to deal with yet. Tomorrow I will catch up on everyone's blogs. All of you are like my extended family. Eyes and ears in so many different places, reminding me that the daily grind goes on everywhere and we all somehow make it from one day to the next. As the blog-o-spere turns...time to walk the dog and get ready for my interview. God Bless and Peace!

Aug 17, 2012

Bed pleasures

Last night you were snoring a steady rhythm. I didn't mind. I love feeling your breath on my neck. We went to sleep laughing last night, which makes me forgive you for hogging the covers. (You do that quite a bit dear) I woke this morning with your tongue lightly licking my neck. Wish I could have lingered, but I had to pee so bad. Broke the mood. I crept down the steps to make the morning pot of coffee. I turned the corner and there you were in the dark your breathing heavy and excited. I know what that means. So I grabbed the leash and off we went for our morning walk! Peace!

Aug 16, 2012

Re-arranging odds and ends

How many of you, when you get the blues, decide to re-arrange your bedroom or living room etc? That is what I did yesterday. I actually assembled a book-shelf all by myself. That is a huge accomplishment as I suck at putting things together. Jay always did that for me. Tina (sis-in-law) left yesterday to spend the night with an old girlfriend in Md. Just me and the dog and her son Travis. I decided I needed more space in my room so I bought two shelving units to be able to display properly some knic-knacks and whatnots. My floor is now free of any junk and I can show off some of the things I have been collecting lately. I decided I wanted my room to be surrounded with angels and fairies. I also collect Willow Figurines. They are very unique looking pieces, they have no filled in face. They represent all aspects of life. Birth, motherhood, family and they bring me comfort when I look at them. The fairy statues I like are the more gothic looking ones. Strong and beautiful women. So no my room is pleasing. Jay leaves for his new job in Silver Spring, Md. It's very close to DC. I admit, I have gotten used to him living one block from me. Time for him to continue on his own journey. He came over for dinner last night. Easy to please. He requested Hamburger Helper for dinner??? Of coures I made it.( I ate so much when the kids were young because it was all we could afford). He starts his new job at an Audi dealership on the 21st. The told him after 3 months he will be promoted to assistant manager. The commute from here to his current job in Md isn't that bad, but this new job makes it impossible. Too much driving and wear and tear on his car. So I will be all drippy-eyed this coming weekend. I am proud, but I am going to miss my little shit-head. (that is a term of endearment between he and I) I have learned one thing. We will never stop being parents. It is a life-long job. Even though I should have been fired a few times, it's the best job I have ever had. Peace!

Aug 15, 2012


That's right, sometimes I want to get DIRRTY! I spend so much of my daily life being nice and keeping the peace and balance in my own home. There is an inner part of me that wants to give everyone the middle finger and say enough! I was quite a force to be reckoned with back in the day. Now that I am sober and have a clear head my tongue is probably waaay more razor sharp. I have a bad habit that consists of verbally slicing and dicing someone 'til they are shredded to pieces. My sis in law had a melt down yesterday. Her son quit his little bullshit job. I brought a stray dog home for about 4 min and she flipped so of course once again, I caved and gave him back to the young girl that found him. Than she finds out that her son and nephew are pretty involved with percecet 30's. They seem to be the new drug of choice with the kids today. One minute she is screaming at him, the next she is giving him medication. Talk about mixed signals. I have a child who is a on the see-saw of opiate addiction so I understand. Will I enable him by having mommy getting him well everyday..Fuck no... She gave me the keys and her safe yesterday because she wanted to die. We were ready to call 911. These breakdowns seem to happen every 4 months. Yesterday I just shut down. I did as she asked. Put the safe and key in my room. Than I left and went grocery shopping for 2 hours just to be around normal people debating between ham or turkey at the deli. That's about what my stress level can handle these days. I am not Dr. Phil. I am still doing me. I have a son who just got a huge promotion and has to move to Silver Spring Md. by D.C. He starts the new job on the 21st. I am trying to help him find a place to live. That is my priority. I figured out why she is so hostile at times to Jay. He is a reminder to her of how she feels her son is failing. Jay had no choice. He had to survive. I help with groceries and gas etc., whatever I can. Anyhow if this bs. continues people's feelings are going to get hurt. I have been playing nice all along. I really don't want to come out of my character, but the buttons are being pushed. I am a very reserved person as I know my temper has gotten me into trouble before. When she screams I offer no feedback. I walk away and shut my door. I learned not to argue with someone when they are in insane mode. I don't want the dirrrrttyyy to come out. I dislike that part of myself very much. One day at a time and plenty of deep breathing has been a huge help. Peace!

Aug 12, 2012


Well it's eary, early Sunday morning. Joe and the dog are asleep in my bed and I am wide awake writing my blog. We went to the Red Lion Fair today and it was very congested as local events in small towns are. I received so many pamphlets from so many religous groups my hands were full. Tina and I walked for about as long as we were interested and than headed home. I think my day of big crowds are pretty much over. Maybe I am just getting old, who knows. I see these places as people seeking to empty my wallet. Not cheaply either. Everyone had a brochure to hand out from every denomination etc. I do not need anymore stuff in my room as I have yet to organize my new possessions yet. So I was very proud that I only spent $15 at the fair. I could have went crazy but how much "stuff" does one person need? It is so easy to get caught up in the frenzy that goes on at these events. I guess as you get older and wiser you no longer feel the need to please every damn vendor with his/her hand out. So all in all we did real well considering we both love to shop. When trinkets are arranged and laid out so pretty it is very tempting to get caught up in the moment. They did have some fashion shows which all the parents and grandparents were there to photograph. It is nice to see a sense of community in my small town. Tina had to wear tons of sun screen and a floppy hat to keep her face from not healing properly. She was a trooper. I know she was tired. Lucky for her so was I. So we stayed for about 45 minutes and than headed home. We still had cash in our pockets, how cool is that? I wonder how many people in the big urban ares still have fairs and parades like we do? Maybe that is why so many people feel isolated from each other and their neighbors? When people are working towards a common good it unites everyone. People start to care. You can tell a neighborhood when people stop caring. It is very apparent to everyone who lives there and drives by. All of my neighbors sweep their steps and make sure they recycle. We all know each other's dogs and kids. It is a lovely feeling. More young people need to grow up in a "neighborhood" not just a street. They even had a table for people who need help with addiction. Right in the middle of the fair. That was a joy for my eyes. Everyone else seems to push it under the rug or has that NIMBY mentality. All in all is was a great day. I needed one. So much stress building up lately. Like I have often stated, I am making the most of my days where I can just be. Peace!

Aug 4, 2012

Music, Art, And King Tut

Ever since I was a young girl, music has had an almost powerful hold on me.  I remember being 8 years old with a transitor radio under my pillow. (Yup, I'm in that age group).  My first 45 record that I owned was American Pie by Don McClean.  I had a Mickey Mouse phonograph.  Mickey's hand had the needle to set the music playing.  I became an avid collector of every type of album I could get my hands on.  The 13th year of my life I discovered The Rolling Stones and I was in love, with their songs and Mick Jagger. That was probably the first love of my life.  The Beatles were a close second. I was born in 1966 so I discovered them a tad late.  Music has carried me through my life.  Each song that I hear takes me to a time that I can remember vividly.  I think my generation was the last one before the digital world took over. I changed with the times and now download music of my choice.  I still cry when I hear Fire and Rain by James Taylor.
Has music impacted your life?  Can hearing a special song change your mood?  I walk my dog with my earbuds in listening to whatever the mood calls for.  I swear it kicks my endorphins in. 

I think all children should be exposed to a variety of music and genres. My parents took me to see Liza Minneli at the Civic Center when I was 5. I was in awe. When I was 14 my mom and I took the train to New York to see Annie. I went to museums and historical sites as soon as I could walk. I remember standing in line for 2 hours to see King Tut as The Smithsonian. I thank my parents for exposing me to everything they could. Music and art are such an important part of my life. The thirst to learn has been inside of me my whole life. I wouldn't change that for the world. No matter what age we are, we are constantly learning. I think that is wonderful.

Aug 3, 2012

Mothers and parenting

I did something yesterday that I haven't done for almost a year now.  I called my mother.  We have had a tumultous relationship for many years.  I had alot of anger and resentment towards her.  Was she a great mom?  Not great, but than neither was I.  The best thing about finding peace within is being able to forgive those that are important to you.  We had a very nice conversation and when I hung up I felt like a huge weight was lifted.  Just like my late father, I gave her the absolution that every mother needs.  I told her that my problems were never her fault.  I have come to understand that by my own adult children.  It's classic Freudian thinking to blame the mother for everything wrong in your own adult life. Sometimes not having a great parent gives you some extra stumbling blocks, but as you age you learn.  You take responsibility for the choices you have made.  I was adopted at the age of 4 months old.  I have never been able to find my biological mother or father.  I just know that I was born in Las Vegas, Nevada and my adoption was done in California.  I was always told I was special because I was hand-picked.  When I was 11 my mother was finally able to carry a baby full term and my brother Scott was born.  He constantly had to grow up in my shadow and developed his own issues.  My mom was very blatant for many years about who the favorite was.  That hurt him.  I helped raise him.  I love him.  He is now 33.  We have our own forgiving to do with each other.  When Kenny died and we came back to Baltimore I simply couldn't deal with being Mom's caretaker and psychiatrist.  I had to do me. So Scott stepped in and is now doing what Kenny and I did for her.  They are now finally close. 

I just realized that I would feel horrid if she passed away and I had never picked up the phone.  Some people are wired differently and the love you receive from them is all they are capable of giving.  Once I learned that, things started becoming ok.  People who have mental health issues have so much emotional baggage that they simply don't know how to show love and kindness in the "normal" way.  There is a chart I saw in a parenting class.  Maslow's hierarchy of needs.  The first is to eat, sleep etc.  The next is safety.  Kids need to feel safe. The next one is the need to be loved and belong.  That belonging one is tricky.  If you ask many adults addicts why they started using drugs is because they never felt like they belonged until they met other people who self-medicated.  The self-expectations become lower and the decent starts spiraling.  This is just my opinion. 

Oh well, sorry for going off on a tangent. I just know there is a 60+ woman in Md. who hopefully woke up and feels better today.  I know I do.  Peace!

Jul 30, 2012

Tumbling down....

I have been very busy these past few days.  My sis in law woke up at 2am in the morning and fell down the basement stairs.  She has an orbital fracture and a fractured nose. Tina is covered in bruises from head to toe.  Damn lucky to be alive.  The worst part is that my bedroom is on the third floor so she is crawling, screaming for help and I'm asleep with the dog and my door is shut and my ac is on.  I didn't hear her. I feel horrible.  I sleep very hard.  This is a 3 story house.  The doctor said she is lucky that she didn't die. Out of respect for her I won't post the pictures we took.  She is calling plastic surgeons today because they said the bones are so small they couldn't do it in the ER.

It really makes you think, or at least me, how one little mishap can change your life.  They said she is lucky she isn't blind.  So today I am just going to be content in the fact that the sum contents of my life are equaling out to be greater than this time last year.  I don't take anything for granted,  If I have extra money to go out and have a decent meal, I am thankful.  When the dog slobbers on my face I am happy.  I will post a picture of Harley, my bestest bud in the world these days.  She thinks my car is hers.,shit, she thinks I am hers.  That's a good thing.  Have a great day everyone!

Jul 27, 2012

Learning to trust

Jay and his bff are now staying with a couple that is good friends with me, right down the street.  This is a much better place than he was staying before.  I think the wife and I are going to be very good friends.  Do you ever just meet people that you click with instantly? That's how it is since I have met her.  The fact that they didn't hesitate about renting to the boys really touched me.  Tina is not stable enough to deal with anymore people.  She has her own issues with her son.  Deep down inside I believe that she really doesn't want him to be independent.  It has always been just the two of them.  Now that her husband has passed, he is all she has.  I am not a big fan of telling a young boy that he is now the man of the house, which is what she told him. All of our kids are trying to find their way in this world and they don't need any clinging moms to hinder them. 

Everytime I make a new female friend I always have trust issues.  Katie doesn't make me feel that way. I "get" her and she likewise understands me.  I have been so careful to whom I open my heart to since Kenny died.  Now I realize I do need friends in my life.  It's been so long since I have visited other people.  I tend to stay in my house because it makes me feel safe. Not any longer.  I am ready to start dipping my toes in new and uncharted waters.  I feel there are many new beginnings still out there.  I don't want to miss them. 

Time to run errands...Have a great weekend everybody.  Remember, thrive don't just survive!  Peace!

Jul 20, 2012

Rainy day woman!

That is me today. Me, Tina and my two bff sister's from Baltimore were going to do a cheap day trip to Ocean City, MD today, but thunderstorms and showers blew that right out of the water.  I am a person who can do a beach trip cheap.  I go for the ocean, not the t-shirts and trinkets that will wind up in the back of my closet.  When you stand in front of the ocean, you realize that you are just not that significant or powerful.  The oceans of our world are a testament to the fact that we are just little creatures that are here courtesy of nature.

The weather is supposed to continue on it's shitty path all thru the weekend.  I get the blues when it's continuous gray outside. I need some comfort food.  Tonight is going to be bacon, eggs and biscuits for dinner, oh yeah, and GRITS....Hot cereal makes me feel full and happy.  Wow, happiness is much easier and cheaper at 45 than at 25.  Who knew?

Take your tidbits of happiness when they arrive. Peace and Grits!


Jul 15, 2012

Weekend Wind Down

The highlight of my week I do believe was going to the movies with Jay, Reuben and myself.  Jay had been bugging me to go see this movie for two weeks.  We got to the movies on Friday at 9pm. and we got the last 3 tickets for the 9:45pm. showing.  It stars Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis and the bear named Ted.  Seth McFarlane I believed directed this.  The voice of Ted the bear sure sounded alot like Peter Griffin from Family Guy.  The last three movies I have been too have all been ones my son dragged me too.  This was ok and I didn't mind admiring Mark Wahlberg's sexiness throughout the movie.  People walked out and I got the general sense that it wasn't what they expected.  Oh well, I'll take any family time.

I love the feeling of driving again.  Especially with the dog.  I can't believe how I put that on the bottom of my list because I had fucked up priorities.  Every time you accomplish something that is tangible, that is how I know I have moved forward.  Someone asked me if I had a do-over button would I use it.  I really don't know.  What happened years ago has made me the person that I am today.  I wish I could erase the hurt that I inflicted on people.  Everyone feels that if they choose to self-destruct, that should be their own choice. I used to have that same philosophy.  However there are many people that you affect with that behavior. So as I matured I learned it went beyone self. 

Next goal is to get a decent, self-supporting job.  I don't like being financially dependent on a man.  My friend has been there for almost 2 years now.  Thru the good, bad and fugly.  How he had no clue when I would dip off that I wasn't right, I don't know.  I'm glad I didn't spread my pain to him.  No human being needs to experience that as we will suck the life right out of you. I am waiting for him to wake up so we can do our Sunday breakfast.  I genuinely enjoy that and so does he.

We are experiencing a brief respite from the horrid heat-wave.  I hope everyone else is as well.  Hug your loved ones and enjoy the day.  Most of all, don't worry about Monday!  Peace!

Jul 13, 2012


Guess who can now legally drive? Yup, moi.  I have had a suspended license since *blush* 1994.  I just never bothered to pay the fines for all these years.  After four trips to DMV I brought every paper known to man and bam, walked out with my permit.  The law in most states is if you haven't driven in 6 months or more you have to start from scratch. So I have a temporary permit and than Wednesday I get my "official" license.  I have been applying for a few jobs now that I know I am not so limited in where I can work.  This was probably the best high I've had in 20 years.  I originally got my license when I was 18 and than lost it at around 26 or so.  Since I have left Baltimore nothing but good things, for the most part, have been happening.  I am taking that as a sign that I made the right choice. 

Now my next goal is to get gainful employment that makes me happy.  I know, a tall order in today's economy.  Thank goodness that I am an eternal optimist.  I want to wake up and be eager to go to work.  When you do what you love for a living it really isn't work.  A girl can still dream.  I keep thinking that if I were to publish a book what would it be about?  I keep thinking that I want to write a "story of my life" type book, but there are so many recovery novels out there and what would set mine apart?  The script usually follows a typical pattern that so many of us have read before.  How do you make "your" story be unique?  One of my all time fave novels is The Catcher In The Rye.  There has never been one like it since. I just bought it at the local bookstore for my budding library. I read it when I was 13.

We all share our stories here, intimate details of our lives.  No guise or phoniness.  We just share a window into our lives.  The windows have different curtains, but loving people sit behind the windows and pound it out on their keyboards.  l feel so special to be part of this community.  I know I would be worried if one of you suddenly disappeared.   Thanks so much for sharing the journey.  Peace!

Jul 11, 2012

Alright with me!

Today "Alright with me" is my motto.  Do you know how tickled I am to have my son living right down the street, 3 minutes away?  I have seen him more in the last month than I have in the previous year.  I am in love, head over heels.  I confess.  The man he is turning into, his personal convictions that he stands by...I have tears in my eyes as I am typing this.  He has a great work ethic.  Baggy Pants no more.  He has to wear fitted uniforms for his job, lol.  He is my personal mechanic.  He mighgt not be The President, but he has an ok job at Heritage Honda, and that's alright with me. We talked for awhile last night and I only cried a little bit.  It was an adult conversation and it went from childhood memories to today.  Somehow through my fucked-upness I raised a decent human being that wants to do more than just take space up on this planet.  They might cut the umbilical cord at the hospital, but there is another cord that can never be cut, and any mother knows what I am talking about.

Savor the moments while you can.  Let your palate taste every flavor possible. Inhale the sweetness of the nectar.  Don't just wake up, wake the fuck up and LIVE! A new day is dawning for all of us with each sunrise. Emrace the sunshine and, to quote a friend of mine....Just Be! Peace!

Jul 8, 2012

Sweaty Sunday

Just got back from walking the dog. It's "our" exercise plan.  I can already feel the heat and humidity starting.  I try to get out in the early magic hours of the dawn and when the sun sets to do my walking.  Yesterday the heat index was 106. My air conditioner is now my bff.  Who knew?

I know the walk in the am. has alot to do with how the rest of my day will go. I listen to the play list on my phone and just take everything in.  The sights, sounds and smells.  They are very different in Red Lion, PA vs Baltimore, Md.  I used to awake anxious and stressed in Bmore.  So many people, so many triggers and all the bullshit that goes with it. The early morning walk started with my late husband and I have continued on with it.  Those walks probably saved our marriage.  The two of us, coffee mugs and our dog.  That is when we communicated our best.  Now I use the time to communicate with my inner self.  Sometimes I will sit in the porch swing out back and put Harley on the tether and just rock in the comfort of my swing.  I can literally feel peace come in and anxiety go out.  I have a prescription for anxiety, but lately I haven't felt the need or the urge to take the meds.  I do stick with the Paxil, but I have been pushing all the other meds to the wayside.  Pure clarity is the best.  One of the neatest things I noticed was when I was about 27. I had quit doing heroin and was starting over, again.  I realized that my food tasted better.  Have you ever heard the term "dope-fiend sweet?" I truly believe that the narcotics dull your taste buds, hence the need for excessive use of sugar.  Just my opinion. 

Waiting for my friend to awaken and than we shall go to our fav breakfast spot. I think our shared Sunday breakfast is the best part of our weekends.  Here is to breaking bread with your loved one's. Stay cool and screw sweaty, I'm a lady, I perspire. (Not) Peace!

Jun 30, 2012


I have been giving serious thought to what my slogan is now.  In my twenties it would have been something trite like "Sex, Drugs, Rock-n-Roll, and more Drugs".  My thirties can be summed up nicely, "Lost and can't find my way home". Ah, but I am now 45. What started out as a question in a friend's blog has been eating away at my over-analyzing brain. I am in a good place these days for the most part. I am now past the point of self-sabatoging and self-destructing when things are going well in my life.  That was a huge part of my old pattern.  Many of you will not understand the hard-wiring of a brain that has been imprinted with addiction. Soooo scared of success!  Failure is easy, immediate gratification is the theme.  We stop growing up and maturing the day we first picked up.  No wonder why so many of us are still trying to grow up.  Our peers own homes and have careers, families and even the much saught after white picket fence. We want to be terminally unique.  Than one day something happens.  The thrill is gone.  Sounds simple, but that is what really happens. We want to wake up with money for a coffee and a pack of cigarettes.  We realize that we haven't taken a trip to the ocean in eons.  Tired of cutting our own hair to save money for The Man.  Realizing that the man is driving a Lexus that we paid for as we sit at a bus stop. All the little epiphanies turn into one big epiphany. We want our parents to be happy to see us instead of looking through the peep hole wondering how much money we need. If you have lived this, you know all too well.

So I am still pondering my slogan.  I'm think of To The Moon as that is where I am aiming, but that also reminds me of The Honeymooners, so I'm still thinking.  Happy Saturday! Peace!

Jun 29, 2012

A bump in the roller-coaster ride....

Sorry I haven't written, life has been interfering alot lately.  First things first.  I went to take my test and in PA you have to have a physical form filled out by your doctor. I did have that, but my doctor forgot to sign it and put his DEA number on the form.  So I see the doc on Monday and Tuesday is when I rescheduled my test.  It's pure torture to have the car sitting out front and not being able to drive it, but I will not drive without a license. Too close.  I waited all this time, so Tuesday is not that far away.

This is the big bump. Jay called me two nights ago with the news that the man who rents him and two other men a room said they all had one week to get out.  He no longer is going to rent the property.  So I had to sit Tina down over lunch and explain the situation.  She is trying to get her son out of the house.  He is 21 and works at a convience store and brings home about $100 a week.  She charges him $20 a week in rent and the rest of his money goes to pot.  He has stolen both of our medications and I have let it slide.  Jay works 6 days a week from 7-7.  Plus because he works in Bmore he is going to have leave extra early as we are about 35 min from there.  I can't lie.  I know this might not be a healthy feeling but I am tickled with the thought of having him here with me again.  This will be the first time that we have lived together with me being sober. I feel like he and I can really have a good relationship together.  The problem is Tina.  She said she will agree to two months.  When we moved in here her goal was to get her son Travis out of the house.  I told her my only condition was that if Jay were ever to be homeless that he would have a place to stay. She said yes, but I can tell she isn't thrilled.  I don't want to be a bitch because I finally feel like we are on equal terms.  Her car went up and so the only vehicle we have to drive is mine. She can't afford to put hers in the shop right now.  So I am no longer dependent on anyone right now.  I don't want this to get nasty as I love my son and I do love Tina.  But if her son can sit home and smoke pot all day why can't my son live upstairs in the loft and just work and sleep?  Plus he is willing to pay $400 a month.  Jay doesn't do drugs or like chaos.  He grew up with it and worked damn hard to get away from it.  I trust him with everything. Do you think I am being unreasonable?  Sigh, another bump in the road.  Deep down Tina likes having Travis here because once he is out of this house she will be alone accept for me and her sisters and I do much more for her than any sisters she has.  So we shall see.  My son is showing up here tonight and hopefully everything will work out for the best. Say a prayer for me.  Much love to all,....Peace!

Jun 26, 2012

Tick-Tock goes the clock

I have been up since 4am.  Jittery and nervous as today is the day I hopefully will walk out of the DMV and be able to drive legally.  So I have been watching movies and reading every one's blogs.  I spent yesterday checking out the help-wanted ads to start the gears going for job hunting.  I am also working on trying to repair my credit.  I have a great relationship with the bank manager and he ran my credit report; not that bad.  He said within six months he should be able to get me some type of real credit card (not pre-paid).  I only want one for emergencies that come up. I found out that by paying cash for everything in my life meant that I had no credit.  Bank manager said that the only way to establish credit is to borrow money.  Rather ironic I thought.  I didn't want to be in debt so I paid for everything outright. Now that makes me a credit risk.  Sigh I wonder if Swiffer makes a mop big enough for me to clean up prior messes? 

I just wanted to thank everyone for all of the lovely and heartfelt comments I have received lately.  When I hear that I inspire another human being that really makes me feel good and it lets me know to stay on the right path.  I used to joke that I was the poster child for damage control. (Regarding sticky situations that you get in when you are living the "life")  Now, just like the posters that hang up on my wall, that one is mentally torn down and I am now trying to find a new slogan.  My friend and blogger Lou, http://justtobeisablessing,  has given me a brain challenge this morning that I am working on.  It's a great question.  Pop over there and see if you can come up with an answer.

Time to get off of facebook and re-study my PA Driver's License Manual.  I will pretend all of you are there cheering me on.  Be blessed and thrive.  Peace!

Jun 25, 2012

Are you ready?

I watched a great movie last night called The Adjustment Bureau on HBO.  Matt Damon and Emily Blount are the main characters.  It was wonderful. The main questions is that if your fate is predeterminded and God gives you free will, how does that really work.  I shed tears at the end of this one. I am a sissy-la-la at a good movie.  Must carry tissues. 

Free will.  I am finally discovering how powerful it is.  I have had it for my entire existence but am finally beginning to understand it.  We simple human beings make the choices that will shape our future. Sadly we make many life-changing decisions when we are not mature enough to understand the full brunt of the consequences.

I think the key word in "Free Will" is Free.  My heart is starting to not to be tight when I wake up in the morning and the impending doom feeling is replaced with interest and excitement for the new day. I have actually cut my medication cocktail in half.  I feel ok. I want to be bright-eyed and bushy tailed, not slow and slurring. I have been taking some decent vitamins and supplements.  I like the B-12.  If all goes well tomorrow when I take my driver's test my next goal is to go back to work.  I do not really want to waitress anymore.  I have business certificates and data entry certificates. What the hell?  Why not apply for a different line of work?  We all have fears of change.  Many of us would love to change jobs but are so comfortable where we currently are that we just stay. It all comes down to one thing I have discerned in my pondering.  Are you ready?  I decided.  I AM READY. Peace!

Jun 23, 2012

Things have been going rather well and than I called the formidable place we all know and love.  The Department of Motor Vehicles.  Seems to be that if your license has been expired for longer than 6 months you have to start all over again with your Learner's Permit.  Thankfully you don't have to log the student hours etc.  I can go back the following week and get my regular license again.  All the damn money I used to piss away on drugs I could have paid my fines 80 times over again and than again and again etc.  I try not to think about that fact and be thankful for the car that is parked out front.  The DMV doesn't give you tags without insurance which you need your license for.  Thank God for Jay.  He went ahead and did all that in Baltimore for me so my car can sit out front with a set of tags and not get towed.  So Tuesday is DMV day and I shall get my permit. I took Jay and his friend out to grab some food and we talked and than I hugged him and I genuinely thanked him for all his help.  I like to think that we have come to a point where we are living in the here and now and not in the past. 

Alot of you have children who are/were addicts.  I have an older son who fits those shoes.  Than there are those of us who tried to be parents while we were addicts.. The guilt is astounding.  Jay is a healthy eater, non-smoker and has good morals.  I think he saw the wrong way to live  and it made him that more determined to do better.  I am so very thankful that he is becoming a man that I am proud to call my son.  The guilt however doesn't go away.  It is my price for making bad choices. I don't know if it ever will be gone.  I do know with each hug and trip he makes to visit me it assuages the wounds. There is no giant eraser in life.  Just change. This time the changes I made to live a decent life are being rewarded.  His love is my gift and a daily reminder as to why I don't go backwards. Peace!

Jun 18, 2012

Father's Day Weekend

Stanley, Jesse, Me
 Uncle Carl and Aunt Marcia

My dad, Stanley, was heavy on the mind this past weekend. He was a very blunt, honorable and loving man.  He passed away in 2005.  He had struggled with obesity since his late 20's.  I remember as a child being embarrassed by this big, gregarious man.  He always raised the bar high.  Myself and my younger brother were taught that we could be doctors, lawyers, and of course, even president.  I am adopted, my brother is biological.  We are 11 years apart.  My dad always told me I was special because I was hand-picked at 4 months.  He was there for me through the good, the bad and the superbly ugly.  No matter how I was living I knew he loved me.  Might not have liked me very much for a certain time in my life, but he loved me.

I made my amends with dad about a month before he died with a very long and honest letter.  It was probably the most heartfelt "piece" I have ever written.  My son and late husband stood in the room when they unplugged him.  I was incarcerated.  I was released the day after he died.  The best feeling I remember having is that he read my 4 page letter before he died.  His wife told me that he had tears running down his face as he read it.  We parents sometimes need absolution from our children.  I gave him that.  I am now getting my own absolution from my children, especially my youngest Jay.  He told me this past week that the way I "look out" for him really pleased him.  Those are his words.  Well the way he looks out for me now is my absolution for not being parent of the year during certain times in our lives. My dad would be proud.  May all the men who are father's just continue to be there for your child/children.  It matters.  Peace!

Jun 16, 2012

I raise my mug of coffee in the air to everyone...

Just got back from walking Harley, who is also my bed-mate.  She is an amazing dog.  Than I went out to my garden and tended to that.  It is coming along nicely. My neighbor brought over a wheel-barrow full of rocks and I started spray painting them white.  I always love the walk and the gardening early am. time. The dog, birds just awoke and my flowers.
Now, around 9:30pm my son and housemate showed up with MY CAR!!!  He put his own little sweat and labor in to fix all needed repairs. It's a Honda Accord...Let me show you...So sweeeet. I go
Monday to get my driver's license.  It took alot of saving to pay off all my fines, but this is a huge goal that I accomplished.   The sense of pride that I felt last night was incredible.  I have learned to stop procrastinating and take care of my responsibilities.  I am finally acting and behaving like an adult. (Most of the time, anyhow)  When you see tangible rewards for your efforts that is what makes it worthwhile.  I am seeing a difference in my kids, especially J.  He knows in his heart that I am living right and I have gradually earned his respect back,  Respect is priceless.  So all of you out there the greatest moments are free...Peace!

Jun 11, 2012

Planes, Trains and Automobiles....

Well, my red pick-up, (that I paid $500) for went up.  It failed emissions and inspection and I wasn't going to invest $1700 for the repairs.  Guess who came to the rescue?  My baby boy...Who works at a Honda dealership.  He found me a decent Honda w/sunroof and all cool amenities for $2700! I will have it parked out front by Friday.  He is putting a new radiator in for me and than it's mine. 

Jay and his bff Reuben came up to say hi, and he gave me a set of keys to the car.  The boys wound up spending the night at this girls home down the street who Jay gave a puppy too.  Joe spent the night at my house and we all met up for breakfast at a local diner.  Jay ( he hasn't gone by his given name of Jesse in eons) profusely thanked Joe and MY SON offered to pay for breakfast..I almost choked on my coffee. Joe declined his offer, but it was one of those moments where I saw two people that I love laughing and getting along.  You know all of us moms' live for these moments.

When the world seems to be crumbling around me it is those type of moments that keep me sane.  I have been talking with my older son about once a week, we just have a different type of relationship. I am learning to take things at face value and make the most of whatever is happening around me.  My new "thing" is trying to give off positive energy and it seems to be working.  When I think about the person I was in my 20's and who I am today I am thankful and grateful.  There are so many of you that I read and have been catching up on.  I feel like we are all on similar journeys, just at different places.  The end goal seems to be finding contentment and peace.  That is a very possible goal to attain.  Peace!

Jun 7, 2012

Yesterday was a good day!

Once a month my two girl-friends ( who are sisters) from Baltimore come up to visit me in PA. They have always been my biggest supporters.  We wound up going to a really cool gardening shop, as usual, I bought stuff I didn't need, just wanted.  We are planning a girlz trip to Lancaster and The Amish country in a few weeks.  I can't wait.  I have bought some of their homemade preserves and baked goods and they were yummy.  A boy about 6 took my cash and made change.  I admire at how strongly they adhere to their faith. 

Tina has chilled out, thank the heavens.  I know how fragile she is, but yet strong at the same time. I run from drama and chaos.  I lived too much of it in my younger years. No desire to continue it as I grow older. 

The dog has her nose on my knee and it is twitching which means she has to pee.  I am quite the site walking her.  I am constantly staring at her butt to see if she is ready to "go poopy".  When I am impatient I tell her "Go poopy now dammit"...Than I put myself in her paws and wonder how I would like it if I was on the commode and someone is barking "Go poopy now".  So this dog, Harley has taught me patience, love and how to be silly.  Since I lost Auggie I never thought I would find that again.  Have a great day and by golly, go poopy when YOU feel like it.  Peace!

Jun 5, 2012

Strange Days

I haven't been writing that much do to some insanity at my home.  My sis in law lost her doctor.  Chaos ensued as she went into full blown withdrawal.  She got taken out by ambulance and signed her self out.  She went totally ape shit.  She attacked her son with a piece of broken glass.  I hate calling 911 but I did.  Today she went to her primary care doctor and they got her straight on a better med regimen.  Than she got mad at my son because he told her that no one should be that dependent on medication.  His timing sucked, but Jay has lived through addiction and he is a total  health nut.  He also brought up her late husband which was not right, but they were having a text war.  A 52 year old woman and a 22 year old boy.  I did what I do best.  The dog and I went in my room and shut the door. 

I love Tina dearly.  I personally am not the poster child for perfect mental health, so I am not one to judge.  It goes beyond the medicine with her.  She really does need to see a counselor. 

I just did my therapy.  Planted more flowers in my garden and played in the dirt.  It works for me.  I will be writing more regular again.  Sometimes the damn real world just interferes.  Peace!

Jun 1, 2012


Today is the 3rd  anniversary of my husband's death.  Yup it's been that long.  20 years with someone is a long time.  His death shook me.  Many of you were there with me.  I will never forget the kindness of strangers in Georgia who showed up at my house because "That is just what we do here ma'am"...True southern hospitality.  They brought hams, turkeys, pies....Kenny would have loved it.  The biggest irony in his death was that the move to Georgia brought him and I so close.  We had a lake with a little canoe, we were clean and sober and life was just getting sweet.  Why God chooses when he does, only he knows. 

So today I will clean the house, and remember. I cried for a few minutes this morning and than wiped the tears because I know he is in a much better place right now.  I have been watching the news lately and what I see scares me.  Cannibals in Florida and Md???? Wtf?  My nephew went to school with the one boy in Joppatowne, Md.  He calls it the Zombie Apocalypse.  I don't think Kenny would like to live in this world.  That is why he chose a secluded home on a lake that was rather isolated.  He was done.  Done with row homes and neighbors. No more "Associations" with their rules.  He could sit on the porch naked and no one would see.  Our dog could run like the wind with no leash..( I feel like singing Born Free, but I'll spare you). 

The journey continues without him.  I never would have thought the story would take this turn, but their is always a new twist along the way.  That was more like a crash, but same principle.

So here is a toast to life and death and the journey...Salud!

May 28, 2012

Tiny routers and such

Always save a spare router.  Seriously.  Comcast will be here this morning, supposedly.  Hmmph..for all the money I pay I better get a lap dance along with tech support.  So I come to you via my old Virgin Mobile router that I saved.  Turns out that I still had money on my account.  That was a decent surprise. 

Same old same old this weekend.  My friend came over for the weekend.  Now that the house looks like a home, we, Tina, Joe and I had our first formal sit down dinner this weekend. Brand new dishes and everything.  There is something to be said for a pretty table.  It went well. 

Today is Monday and everything is closed.  (Except Comcast, lol)  Yes, this is a very boring post but so is my life at times.  I am slurping coffee and chain smoking, but I figure my long dog walk will make up for it, kind of a health ying/yang thing.  I do walk twice a day, early in the morning and when the sun goes down.  All kinds of things have been known to happen when the sun goes down.....Peace!

May 21, 2012

Hotels and motels....

This is the motel that Joe and I sometimes go to when he is too tired to drive back to my house after dinner.  The outside has that pretty pagoda stocked with fish.  Once you turn the key you get a room with two beds and the universal motel bedspread. Note all the take-out menus on the table. 

There was a period of time where I literally lived in a hotel for about 6 months.  The guy I was dating was restless and didn't want to stay put for very long so I have seen this bedspread before, lol.  Later found out that he didn't want to put down roots because he was known to the police in the area as a drug dealer (true). 

It has been going on quite a few years now since I have lived that life.  My bedspread puts that one to shame and when I buy something now, I know I will still have it for years to come.  My bedroom is my sanctuary.  I have my hand-made hanging bird cage that I love. My Ramone's poster.  My Marilyn Monroe pics.  I feel a sense of permanency that I haven't felt in years.

You should feel special, as I don't let just anyone in my bedroom, lol. I do my morning walk with the dog and than we both come in; she lays back down and I write.  It's the most wonderful time of the day.   Peace!!!!!