Jun 23, 2012

Things have been going rather well and than I called the formidable place we all know and love.  The Department of Motor Vehicles.  Seems to be that if your license has been expired for longer than 6 months you have to start all over again with your Learner's Permit.  Thankfully you don't have to log the student hours etc.  I can go back the following week and get my regular license again.  All the damn money I used to piss away on drugs I could have paid my fines 80 times over again and than again and again etc.  I try not to think about that fact and be thankful for the car that is parked out front.  The DMV doesn't give you tags without insurance which you need your license for.  Thank God for Jay.  He went ahead and did all that in Baltimore for me so my car can sit out front with a set of tags and not get towed.  So Tuesday is DMV day and I shall get my permit. I took Jay and his friend out to grab some food and we talked and than I hugged him and I genuinely thanked him for all his help.  I like to think that we have come to a point where we are living in the here and now and not in the past. 

Alot of you have children who are/were addicts.  I have an older son who fits those shoes.  Than there are those of us who tried to be parents while we were addicts.. The guilt is astounding.  Jay is a healthy eater, non-smoker and has good morals.  I think he saw the wrong way to live  and it made him that more determined to do better.  I am so very thankful that he is becoming a man that I am proud to call my son.  The guilt however doesn't go away.  It is my price for making bad choices. I don't know if it ever will be gone.  I do know with each hug and trip he makes to visit me it assuages the wounds. There is no giant eraser in life.  Just change. This time the changes I made to live a decent life are being rewarded.  His love is my gift and a daily reminder as to why I don't go backwards. Peace!


luluberoo said...

You are spot on..no giant erasers. But people can/do change, but not overnight. Change is gradual, I have to give others time. Especially when habits are entrenched for a long period. Parents of addicts make the mistake of thinking everything will be just find if the drugs are gone. But the mistakes and fines and ignored paperwork of the past haunts for years. You will be the first to know if Andrew ever gets a license. I'll send you a pic from the DMV!!

the walking man said...

So does this mean we can't call him baggy pants anymore?

the guilt goes away when you forgive yourself and remember you may have been using but there comes an age in every persons life where THEY become responsible for their own choices kiddo,

bugerlugs63 said...

This is good to read Lori (as usual) . . . Your story really gives me hope and sometimes I even say to myself "Lori did it" . . . One doesn't meet many recovering addicts in real life (2 per week at N/A, neither of them are mothers like us). Every bit of proof that recovery from Heroin is possible, is worth so so much to me and others. YOU are the proof and you're also proof that the family heals, gradually . . . That gives me hope. And let's hope the guilt fades, at least, for us and many more. Thanks x

Annette said...

Ohhhh Lori, this post made me cry. You know my mom was my first alcoholic/addict (prescription pills.) She passed away last summer and watching her work through all of her guilt and forgive herself so that she could go in peace was one of the most.....I don't even know what word to use. Touching, healing, sad, heartbreaking, beautiful things I have ever witnessed in my life. It was like watching a miracle take place before my very eyes.
Bless your heart for your honesty and courage in looking at your reality. Your boy sounds like me....wanted nothing to do with any sort of substances. I am so glad he knows how to love his mama. You inspire me my dear. You give me hope for my girl.

Lori said...

luluberoo- You get it. Just because you make a commitment to get clean, doesn't mean it's all groovy. We have a huge pile of crap to clean up. I think that is what sometimes triggers a relapse, because it is so hard to deal with govt.officials, red-tape and all the real world headaches without being trashed. You wonder if you will make it to the other side. I have faith in most. Andrew will be a legal driver if he wants it bad enough. You have to want it, period. xoxoxo

WM- Between you and I he shall always be Baggy Pants, lol. I think the best way to get the forgiveness from your kids is to earn it via not being a fuck up anymore. Quite simple. Baggy Boy actually hangs out in PA on the weekends. People can see a mile away when the lies and bs are gone and you are on the right path, especially our children. He has strong faith in God, which I believe sustained him when I didn't. That is also where he has learned forgiveness. I just know it is working. ( His pants are so baggy during his work week, lol) Much love from Pa.

bugerlugs63- Thanks for the ego boost, but it has taken years girl. I started using heroin at 23. I am 45 now, and tying up the one big loose end that will symbolize true freedom to me, being able to legally drive again. Our kids always know inside when we aren't right. I believe moms set the tone and mood of a household. If mom is unhappy so is everyone around her, lol. I wasted many of the best years of my life that I should have been doing the right thing. Trainspotting is one of my favorite movies. I am finally chosing life, nice home etc. Renton is my all time favorite character. You can do it. xoxo

Annette- I am not a role model. I am just me. I am very glad I give you hope for your girl. They are always "our babies". We see them beyond the disease. I'm so glad your mom passed without guilt. God Bless her and all of the mother's who are in the struggle whether they are the addict or the parent of one. Healing is always possible. It just takes time, that is why HOPE is so important. Be well Annette...xoxo