Things have been going rather well and than I called the formidable place we all know and love. The Department of Motor Vehicles. Seems to be that if your license has been expired for longer than 6 months you have to start all over again with your Learner's Permit. Thankfully you don't have to log the student hours etc. I can go back the following week and get my regular license again. All the damn money I used to piss away on drugs I could have paid my fines 80 times over again and than again and again etc. I try not to think about that fact and be thankful for the car that is parked out front. The DMV doesn't give you tags without insurance which you need your license for. Thank God for Jay. He went ahead and did all that in Baltimore for me so my car can sit out front with a set of tags and not get towed. So Tuesday is DMV day and I shall get my permit. I took Jay and his friend out to grab some food and we talked and than I hugged him and I genuinely thanked him for all his help. I like to think that we have come to a point where we are living in the here and now and not in the past.
Alot of you have children who are/were addicts. I have an older son who fits those shoes. Than there are those of us who tried to be parents while we were addicts.. The guilt is astounding. Jay is a healthy eater, non-smoker and has good morals. I think he saw the wrong way to live and it made him that more determined to do better. I am so very thankful that he is becoming a man that I am proud to call my son. The guilt however doesn't go away. It is my price for making bad choices. I don't know if it ever will be gone. I do know with each hug and trip he makes to visit me it assuages the wounds. There is no giant eraser in life. Just change. This time the changes I made to live a decent life are being rewarded. His love is my gift and a daily reminder as to why I don't go backwards. Peace!