Happy Valentines Day

Maybe it is my age and lack of enthusiasm. Plus, in my line of work, holidays mean work. Good money, but work. After all these years though I do believe it is a day to commemorate the love shared between two people. I notice when I waitress on these days, it is always the newlyweds who sit and make kissy face in the booth. The older couples are rather different. The wife usually orders for both of them, because she has been married to the man for so long, she knows what he eats better than he does. I love it when I ask a man how he wants his steak cooked and his wife answers for him. The man just shakes his head and nods "yup". Those couples don't make too much of a fuss, but the love is just visible, the smiles and tears are etched in the lines of their worn faces. I don't think Hallmark has come up with a card to summarize that many years with another human being. There simply aren't words. Happy Valentine's Day.

Here comes the sun

Waiting for the sun to rise on the lake
wondering what today will bring with this particular sunrise
Tears? Laughter? The possiblilites are endless
I like to think so anyhow
It is my motivation to face a new day
Hope comes in many forms
Mine is in the early am
The silence
Staring at the barely moving water outside my balcony
gives me encouragement
At least it is moving
and not stagnant

Waitressing rant

For the first time in almost 20 years of waiting tables I am finding myself struggling in this new southern climate. The customers like me. Today one of the girls was sick, so instead of leaving at 1:30, I stayed til 4pm. No biggie. Around 3:30 I had a massive allergy attack. I was at a table and got that dry tickle in your throat that just won't go away, which also makes your eyes run. My boss sits in front of a monitor, that has audio and video. He listens to everything. The way you speak at a table, what you say to the other staff. Nothing is sacred. I am disregarding how I personally feel about that because I like the job itself. Anyhow, boss man waits about 10 minutes of watching me choke and hack before he comes out on the floor so I can exscuse myself to go to the ladies room. Than at the end of my shift he told me that what I did was very unsanitary. WTF, I was the only one there. I always cough into my sleeve so I don't cough into my hands. As soon as he came out on the floor I did what was appropriate and swallowed a spoonful of honey and powdered my nose and washed my hands. There is something very unsettling about knowing that everything I say and do is being recorded, audio and video. I paid off the balance of my back support issue so I now have nothing hanging over my head. I am at the point where I am starting to realize that I do have a data entry certificate and have other skills. The owner told me that the staff is not allowed to talk about anything unless it is work related. In all my years I have never experienced serving in this type of environment. It is making me feel like a personal failure, yet I know I am good at what I do. The customers love me, which is the main reason I go to work. I wait on tables because I enjoy seeing pleasure in the eyes of guests as they finish a meal they find delightful. Period. So now when I go to work I will make a point of speaking to noone and just doing my job and going home. Big Brother is alive and well in the work environment and it gives me the fucking creeps.

Winning battles vs winning the war

I now know why there isn't world peace. We are supposed to be a global group of intelligent, educated people. There is no reason we all can't come to a table and come up with resolutions. Than it hit me. I have an 18 year old that is intelligent and educated. He and I sit down at a table and wind up in a losing propostition. He hold his ground, won't concede. I beg, barter and plead. I offer reasonable solutions. Granted he doesn't have the maturity and wisdom of certain world leaders. So the battle goes on. I wonder if the same kinds of conversations happen on a global scale? Peace begins at home, and many of us can't manage to attain that. If we can't have mature conflict resolution in our homes how can we have them outside of our homes? I do thank God that the people we vote for and place our confidence in are not 18. They are physical men, but many still have the maturity of 15 year olds. At 18 you fail to see the big picuture. Winning the war. The small battles are what they are worried about. I have no room to talk. I didn't "get it" til my late 30's-early 40's. It took many trials and tribulations to get to where I am today. I sincerely hope that the powers that be have more maturity and wisdom than my brilliant 18 year old.

Sometimes sorry just isn't enough

After meny years shared between people there are bound to be hurtful incidents. We learn to forgive and move ahead. Insanity is defined as repeating the same things over and over again and expecting different results. Maybe I am insane. I did something stupid today. I made a poor choice. Nothing major, but I did go against my other half's wishes. Turns out he was right and I was wrong. I am sorry. I am pleading my case to a deaf ear. Granted he does suffer from mental health problems and I have learned to live with them. I, too, have some issues that aren't easy to live with. I make mistakes. I can't undo the choice I made, ( it had to do with moeny)) but I do feel like a fucking idiot and wish I could reverse the choice. I can't. I am sorry and feel like a shit. I loaned a certain person money which went against his wishes, as he questions her character and motives. He was right. I was used. It wasn't about the sum of money, $50, but the fact that he feels disrespected, and that his voice doesn't mean a damn thing. Plus, right now he is feeling rather useless, whereas I am thriving at this new job. I wake up with a sense of purpose everyday. I am now the main "breadwinner" in the house, which I think he is having a hard time dealing with. Any money that comes in this house is our money. Still, I believe it bothers him. So he exerts control in other issues. I am intelligent enough to realize that he does this so he can feel like he has some control and that we have balance. Still, tomorrow is my first day off and we are going to bed not speaking. I hate that more than anything. Life is short and you never know if you are going to wake up. The only strength I will get tonight is when I pray to God to make me a stronger and better person. I am human and I do make mistakes.