Just me

I wonder if everyone comes to a point in their life when they look into that mirror and discover that it is just them, and them alone in this world. I was getting ready for work and that was my epiphany. Yes, I have a child and mother. I have an aunt and uncle. Now, though, it is I and I alone who must make decisions. My late spouse always told me that the true test of anything, like sobriety, isn't when you turn down drugs in front of a room full of people at a party. It's when you have the opportunity to be alone in a room, just you and God. You can use, and noone would ever know, except you and God. I believe that. He said always said that was the big test. There was a time when this death would have set me off, old ways, bad habits. Yup, I am in alot of pain. Too much on my plate right now. Pressure. Used to be the perfect reason, the great exscuse. Except now there is that damn mirror I look into everyday. There is that child who looks at me with hope, as I am his only hope. There are the people I work with who really don't know about my past too much. I have earned respect in my new locale. People don't look at me when they see me coming with that dread (She needs money, don't answer the door). They have never met that person. I am realizing that person is pretty much dead. I am making new friends, slowly, as I am cautious, always making sure I stay in the "safe" zone wiht new people. Photographs and memories (Jim Croce)..well that is what I have. But I am starting to see the possibility of a future. It can be anything I make it.
BTW, talk about ironies...A friend of mine is moving to Georgia...she is opening a recovery house for men and women. She is working on the women's side. In three months they need a staff member.. She called me yesterday..Me!!! I used to teach computer classes in the state prison in MD. I am seriously considering this offer. It is in a different part of Georgia, but the chance to give back? To help people become functional, productive adults? It was on my mind all night last night. Getting your life together is a gift.. Shouldn't it be shared? Peace...

Mama

Some people are not meant to be mothers.
I am adopted.
You thought you wanted a child.
Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, you should have thought harder.
Being a mother requires an innate knack of putting another human first.
You did try.
Some people can't give what they don't have.
Trust me, you don't have "it"
I forgive you.
I have learned to accept the facts of my life.
I refuse to be the adult on the therapist's couch
singing the Freudian blues.
I learned that you do love me,
But you always will love you more.
That's ok.
I love my son to the moon.
I will take a bullet for my child.
I will go hungry for that pair of blue eyes.
I will not rest until I am satisfied that he is where he needs to be as a man.
I learned that from you.
What not to do.

Compliance for a friend

I have been tagged by this Detroit dude who walks (and writes). I am a tagging virgin, so be gentle with me.

Ok here goes..

Four movies you can see over and over:

Shawshank Redemption
Fallen
Reservoir Dogs
Dog Day Afternoon

Four places you have lived:

California
Pennsylvania
Baltimore
Georgia

Four tv shows you love:

CSI Miami (guilty pleasure)
Forensic Files
Hell's Kitchen
True Blood/Dexter (it's a tie)

Four Places You Have Been On Vacation:

Atlantic City
Ocean City
Daytona Beach
California

Four Of Your Favorite Foods:

Steamed Crabs
Steak
Shrimp
Homemade Macaroni and Cheese

Four Websites You Visit Daily:

My usenet group
My blogroll
The Washington Post
The Baltimore Sun

Four Places You Would Rather Be:

Anywhere
Somewhere
Nowhere
Right here?

Four Things You Hope To Do Before You Die:

Make a difference
Be a better mother
Persevere
Overcome the demons that never go away

Four Novels You Wish You Were Reading For The First Time:

Catcher In The Rye
Little Women
Forever
Go Ask Alice

Broken

I keep holding on to what?
I feel my spirit ready to leave
the confines of safety.
I want to fight.
I want to run.
The water is stagnant.
No current.
I need movement, stimulation
to stay sane.
The walls are closing in.
The phone rings too much.
Leave me the fuck alone
thank you very much.
Are you blind?
I am mending my soul
That is my right
I will figure this out
Let me fall
Let me cry
Let me heal
I am broken.

Forgiveness at 3am.

My son aka Baggy Pants came in my room at 3am. He was trying to be in stealth mode and failed. I woke up. He got in bed with me, and hugged me. Told me how much he loved me and that he is so proud of how far I have come. J was there for the bad times. He remembers me laying in bed so sick I couldn't move. He remembers eating grilled cheese for dinner because I bought dope for me and Kenny. This is many years ago, but kids have great memories. I have been clean a long time now, but his arms around me meant more to me than any bag of dope or coke ever did. The forgiveness of your child when you were the addicted parent is so special and priceless. We are bonding and both growing together. He is proud that his dad died clean and sober. No needle hanging out of his arm. J is the one who made both 911 calls when Kenny overdosed. We are now starting a new phase of our relationship. There is now something new in it, trust. It is because I am living right and I have worked so hard to earn it. In my grieving phase I have had many moments to think. Thankfully as parents we had some fucked up years but we still went to every school event, meeting etc. We both worked. Those big arms around me last night at 3am were one of the best gifts I think I have ever had. We are healing together. I have waited years for the moment of trust. He told me he was proud that I was "right" when Kenny got sick because I was able to fully take care of him. This child is 19. To you readers 19 might be a man, but he is and always will be my child. He forgave me last night. I woke up happy for the first time in many days. Peace!!!