Feb 8, 2009

Sometimes sorry just isn't enough

After meny years shared between people there are bound to be hurtful incidents. We learn to forgive and move ahead. Insanity is defined as repeating the same things over and over again and expecting different results. Maybe I am insane. I did something stupid today. I made a poor choice. Nothing major, but I did go against my other half's wishes. Turns out he was right and I was wrong. I am sorry. I am pleading my case to a deaf ear. Granted he does suffer from mental health problems and I have learned to live with them. I, too, have some issues that aren't easy to live with. I make mistakes. I can't undo the choice I made, ( it had to do with moeny)) but I do feel like a fucking idiot and wish I could reverse the choice. I can't. I am sorry and feel like a shit. I loaned a certain person money which went against his wishes, as he questions her character and motives. He was right. I was used. It wasn't about the sum of money, $50, but the fact that he feels disrespected, and that his voice doesn't mean a damn thing. Plus, right now he is feeling rather useless, whereas I am thriving at this new job. I wake up with a sense of purpose everyday. I am now the main "breadwinner" in the house, which I think he is having a hard time dealing with. Any money that comes in this house is our money. Still, I believe it bothers him. So he exerts control in other issues. I am intelligent enough to realize that he does this so he can feel like he has some control and that we have balance. Still, tomorrow is my first day off and we are going to bed not speaking. I hate that more than anything. Life is short and you never know if you are going to wake up. The only strength I will get tonight is when I pray to God to make me a stronger and better person. I am human and I do make mistakes.

4 comments:

the walking man said...

Kenny...Destiny has its own way of fucking up our plans for the way life turns out. Piss on destiny. Take a five, and a walk to the coffee shop and learn to speak Georgian.

Lori...Going to bed not speaking is OK as long as it's done with the new dawn.

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Pookie said...

I know what you mean about going to bed not speaking; I've always hated that, especially if you're lying stiffly in bed next to each other wondering what the other person is thinking....as walking man said though, as long as it's done with the dawn. Move on, there are more important things to fight about.

BTW, I thought you'd learned your lesson about doing things like that? (Loaning money, etc. ?) LOL How soon we forgot!!!

Lori said...

sigh, I told you girl, I must have sucker stamped on my head. Kenny saw it coming and I should have listenend. I know it's only $50 but his point was, he knew all along I was going to get burnt. He saw it as a preventitive move against me getting my feelings hurt. As usual, he was right. Don't you hate that?