Aug 15, 2012


That's right, sometimes I want to get DIRRTY! I spend so much of my daily life being nice and keeping the peace and balance in my own home. There is an inner part of me that wants to give everyone the middle finger and say enough! I was quite a force to be reckoned with back in the day. Now that I am sober and have a clear head my tongue is probably waaay more razor sharp. I have a bad habit that consists of verbally slicing and dicing someone 'til they are shredded to pieces. My sis in law had a melt down yesterday. Her son quit his little bullshit job. I brought a stray dog home for about 4 min and she flipped so of course once again, I caved and gave him back to the young girl that found him. Than she finds out that her son and nephew are pretty involved with percecet 30's. They seem to be the new drug of choice with the kids today. One minute she is screaming at him, the next she is giving him medication. Talk about mixed signals. I have a child who is a on the see-saw of opiate addiction so I understand. Will I enable him by having mommy getting him well everyday..Fuck no... She gave me the keys and her safe yesterday because she wanted to die. We were ready to call 911. These breakdowns seem to happen every 4 months. Yesterday I just shut down. I did as she asked. Put the safe and key in my room. Than I left and went grocery shopping for 2 hours just to be around normal people debating between ham or turkey at the deli. That's about what my stress level can handle these days. I am not Dr. Phil. I am still doing me. I have a son who just got a huge promotion and has to move to Silver Spring Md. by D.C. He starts the new job on the 21st. I am trying to help him find a place to live. That is my priority. I figured out why she is so hostile at times to Jay. He is a reminder to her of how she feels her son is failing. Jay had no choice. He had to survive. I help with groceries and gas etc., whatever I can. Anyhow if this bs. continues people's feelings are going to get hurt. I have been playing nice all along. I really don't want to come out of my character, but the buttons are being pushed. I am a very reserved person as I know my temper has gotten me into trouble before. When she screams I offer no feedback. I walk away and shut my door. I learned not to argue with someone when they are in insane mode. I don't want the dirrrrttyyy to come out. I dislike that part of myself very much. One day at a time and plenty of deep breathing has been a huge help. Peace!


Annette said...

That all sounds really hard. I'm so glad though that you are healthy and the drama is not at the center of your own personal life. It all belongs to others and you are "just" the recipient of the overflow.

bugerlugs63 said...

O Lori, huge hugs from me. I'm, just back from hols and catching up before I post . . . I felt like sticking that middle finger up over and over on hols to Bro and wife . . . Self righteous springs to mind!
As you saying, you are still "doing you" and that has to be your priority. Thoughts, prayers and love sent you Lori x x

Lori said...

Annette- The overflow has to stop quite soon or I am going to overflow my ass out of here. I worked to hard to get peace of mind and I refuse to let anyone break it.

bugerlugs63- I'm so happy to hear from you. Some days are harder than others that is for sure. As long as we keep doing "me" things will work out. Faith girl, it keeps me going. Many hugs from me also.

the walking man said...

So kiddo tell me when did anger, get taken out of the mix of human emotion? Anger is the logical reaction to someone, anyone, imposing their crap on your personal space.

You're right it is a weapon, a weapon of self defense to maintain your own sanity. Your own sanity which after all is your only true responsibility.

You can reach out and help others and when you pull your hand back you find its been chewed to a bloody stump, so what?, you just shrug and shut down? Nope you go and stew and simmer until it either passes or builds to the point where you lose your own control and BLAST OFF!

Not cool at all...misuse of a tool, penalty and a foul go to the box for two minutes. (Hockey thing).

If your pissed, be pissed when you're pissed not ten day later. Clear the air while the smoke is still in it. That's how accords and accommodations are arrived at.

The whole point of being the age you're now, is learning to cope with worry, fears, and doubts- your own. Because we all walk our own path and we all walk it our own way.

I haven't gone to bed pissed in almost twenty five years, not because anger is so far away from me but rather I release it when I feel it, not tomorrow.

Now I am finding that after a lifetime of being pissed off about something or another...I really can shrug off other peoples drama, even those I truly, deeply love, add a word of solace and walk away without a trace of "I should have said this or that."

Life is hard enough, heavy enough already without being loaded up with some one elses baggage.

Know what I mean?