Nov 11, 2009

Cutting the ties

I am always saying how I am going to eliminate toxic people from my life. The last one is finally gone. My mother. We have been co-existing for the last 5 or so years. She is one of the most inhumane people I have ever encountered. For years every single person I have met has told me to get away from her. So now she officially is moving in to a Golden Girls type house. She is 66 and has not one friend on the planet. She once told my son that he was like a piece of shit stuck in her ass that she couldn't expel. Direct quote. Kenny made us go to family counseling. She said she had made that comment in jest. I grew up on those comments. It is almost like another death. I am adopted. I always wonder why she adopted an infant when she is not the least bit maternal. I was four months old. Than 11 years later she got pregnant with my brother. She always reminds him that he was an accident. I always joke with my friends that if she was a reptile she would have eaten us. So another person is removed from my life. It is Jesse left that I must complete raising. I told him about his grandmother, and he just shrugged his shoulders. He is doing well in school. Wrote a piece about Hamlet that he got an A on. The boy has a great brain. He is just very private. I am an open person. We watched Twilight together on the computer before we fell asleep last night. I love that child. We have a rather unusual relationship. There are trust issues on his part and me always trying to prove myself to him. At the end of the day we have our moments. That is my son. I will be a better mother than mine. That is my end goal. I have an empty feeling inside knowing that my mother is officially going to be erased from my life. That part is going to be my choosing. I am tired of the years of hurt and pain. Can't deal with it anymore. I am slowly making new friends and I am going to be okay. My son will be okay. Why is it so hard when it is family to extract them and remove them? Sometimes I wish there was a delete button or undo button in real life. Peace..

6 comments:

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Lori,
Hello there. I liked the comment you left on Shane's blog, so I came here to check out your blog. You are a good writer, and I will be following your words.

I bartended for years, and now I work an office job, and I miss the bartending. [I checked out your other blog, too.] Unfortunately, I needed steady money and a good health plan, so here I am, but I sure miss the service industry. Once a bartender, always a bartender.

Best to you,

SB

Lou said...

I'm sorry you don't have a relationship with mother, but it certainly sounds like you gave it your best shot. If I remember correctly, you had a loving father.

I've had a sometimes difficult time with my mother, but I've always known she loves me no matter what.

I kinda feel sorry for the people at the place your mother is going, she will probably drive them nuts!

Findon said...

A brave thing to do, I know, I don't see my children anymore. Take care of yourself now. Be gentle

Whitemist said...

living with such abuse does leave scars, work your way through them and at some point you will be free enough of all of it to forgive (not yet, someday, it takes time) and that will free you comepletely. in the meantime, live your life stepping over those minefields. You have a great deal of bravery to do so.

the walking man said...

It ain't hard to expel the toxic...just let them go and think on them no more. apparently no one could measure up to that woman's standard *shrug* it is time for her to measure up to her own...and uhhh change your phone number too.

Lori said...

Sarcastic Bastard- A great bartender is a gem. They are so few and far between. Nowadays anyone who can pour draft beer and smile calls themselves a bartender. Not! I have my data entry certificate, but I make more money waiting tables insane. Thanks for the complement and I shall check out your blog as well.

Lou- That is what I said. They sound like a nice group of 4 elderly women. My mother is brutal. She has never been a team player in a work situation or life. These women call themselves their own version of The Golden Girls. If I was spiteful I would call and forewarn them. I decided to just let her go with all that comes along with her.

Findon- I have been trying to be gentle. I have learned you can't talk to someone who can't hear.

Whitemist- I am not ready to forgive. I can't even begin to list the hurts. Now my son is having his rude awakening. He thought he had some kind of bond with her. Now he feels abandoned again. His way is just to ignore her.

WM- You are right. Noone has ever lived up to her standards. I asked her yesterday why she ever got married and had kids. Especially adopted one, me. She said she didn't realize until she was older that she wasn't meant to be married or maternal. So her wish shall be granted. She shall be alone. I am done.