Oct 26, 2009

Forgiveness

Jesse and I had our moment last night. We watched a movie called GhostTown late last night. It had a widow in it. I was sobbing. He said mom, "Please don't interuppt me and let me speak"..so I listened. He said mom when you were doing drugs you were very selfish. Kenny did drugs too, but he always bought food and paid the rent first. You would disappear a few times. He got in my bed and sat down. He said "Kenny loved you so much and put up with alot. I never thought you loved him as much as he loved you". I thought you were selfish." He said
"Since he died and I see you cry almost once a day or every other day, I realize you really loved him just as much as he loved you. I told Jesse of course I loved Kenny, he was my best friend. I said some of the things I did during my addiction weren't because I didn't love Kenny or him, it was because I was literally insane from the tremendous drug use. I always worked. Finally the cards had collapsed and there was a two year period where I just simply would hustle whatever to get drugs 24 hours a day. That was a very rough period in our family as Kenny was working everyday. Jesse remembers. Than we talked about all the good things about our family. It told him that yes, we are roommates, but I am your mother. You must not speak to me the way you do your friends. He said he gets scared because Kenny would keep me in check. Kenny was 10 years older and way more mature than I still am. Kenny was in charge of all monies etc. Jesse said he did that out of love to protect me from myself. I can turn into a very self destructive person. Kenny knew it. Jesse said he wants to know that he can count on me. The kid just figured out how much I loved his father last night. We talked til 3am. He forgave me in his own way. He doesn't have deep conversations that much. But when he does they are quite a doozy. We all love our children. I just hope they all know how much we truly do. Have a blessed and happy day. My heart is a little bit lighter today.

9 comments:

avoid and distract said...

Very touching. You have a great son.

Whitemist said...

Very intense, very good. Everyone needs at least a second chance, don't we?
I am glad for you and your son.

Lori said...

avoid and distract- I was touched. Yeah, I think I do have a great son. Your parents have a great daughter too..remember that.

Whitemist- I thank God for second chances. Maybe your prayers came my way....hope your dinner party went well.

Lou said...

The honesty is so necessary. Thank God he was able to get it out.

Andrew has always been honest with me, even when it hurts. I'm very glad about that.

the walking man said...

Still want to get high?

Lori said...

Lou- Jesse doesn't speak much about deep topics, but when he does he does not mince words. Ironically I finally saw myself through my son's eyes. It was painful, but true. I love him very much.

Mark- NO! Even though it was many years ago, I never really realized the damage and how your children perceive you until that night. All from watching a movie. Baggy Pants picks his moments. I do believe he is smarter than the average bear.

butterflies said...

That was beautiful...so what if he swears at yu every now and again? At least hes expressing himself and now hes telling you his heart.

I think its great..have to take the good with the bad.

Lori said...

butterflies- the good with the bad...that is I guess the key to parenting. I am glad my son is comfortable expressing his true emotions to me. Trust me, he doesn't do it often, lol...Trys to act rather hard and grown...

the walking man said...

the reason I asked was because I wanted you to hear yourself say the answer Lori. I know you are no longer desiring the life. We all have a past but that is just what it is a past.

Be Well Kiddo.