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Creeping in my room..

I hear the pills rattle in my purse...
a safe jingle jangle
a reminder that I won't be in pain.

I am on pain management.  Have been for a few years.  When you are put on pain managment you must sign a contract basically stating that you are responsible for your medication and will safeguard it and not abuse/or divert it.  

Well for the last month I have noticed that things have been moved around in my room, small things.  I didn't pay much attention as we have just moved into a new, relatively big house.  Than one morning I woke up to take my Paxil and other meds when I noticed one of the bottles had its lid put on upside down.  That is how my sis in law caps her medicine.  It bothered me, and I was puzzled on how to approach her.  I thought I would give her an easy out.  She woke up and we had our usual morning chit chat.  I looked at her and said, "Listen this is bugging me and I know I went to bed early last night" "Did you grab any of my  anxiety meds, I will understand if you didn't want to wake me?"  She denied it  and told me we should keep an eye on her son, my nephew, who has in the past, gotten both of us for a pill here and there.  She said she could tell if he was messed up...I said ok, but I knew the way she put her lids on her bottles and kept thinking, not nephew, it was his mama.

An hour later she knocks on my door crying.  She said, "I'm a horrible mother, blaming my son for something I did".. She is crying telling me how sorry she was etc etc...you know how it goes. So now I am carrying my pills everywhere I go until I get a new safe today.  I was so damned hurt. Still am.  She is 52 years old.  She is my family through marriage.  We used to work together and I introduced her to my brother in law whom she married.  She is one of my best friends, despite small squabbles, usually over daily life, bills etc.  Now I feel violated.  The tears she shed were genuine.  I saw the shame that all addicts have when they are confronted.  I wish she never put me in that position.

Time to chug this coffee and get ready to go to my local Wal-Mart and get a shiny new safe.  (This will now be the 3rd safe I have bought)  Better safe than sorry....Peace!

Pinebush New York

Just arrived home early last evening from Pinebush, New York.  I attended my friend's grandson's wedding.  I also met his daughter, one of three, and her family. They were delightful. I was a tad nervous meeting everyone, but his daughter is awesome and a fabulous hostess.  I was made to feel welcome from the start and than I relaxed.  The town is known for its UFO sightings.  We went to a local diner for breakfast called the Cup and Saucer. (Meaning flying saucer).  The owner sat down with us and explained the history of the town.  Next week is the UFO convention.  Should be great for local business.

It rained (downpoured) on the way to the church.  Than we were off to the local event spot for the reception.  I won the centerpiece on the table..Yay me!  I am not a big wedding person, but I came to support my friend.  I watched Joe cry as his daughter danced with his grandson, the bridegroom. His grandson is 19, as is the bride.  This was the first time I have ever seen Joe cry.  When I watched his daughter dance with her son, I almost cried. I imagined dancing with Jesse at his wedding. I guarantee his shirt will be soaked. 

Joe brought up some legal paperwork for his daughter to sign.  Living will and such.  I have a feeling he is getting his affairs in order. He is 74.  Since losing his job about a year ago and getting no positive feedback on his daily job searching; this was the first time I have seen him truly relaxed and happy. Genuinely at peace.  He thanked me for coming and I looked at him and told him, "No, thank you for bringing me".  I felt quite honored that he wanted me to meet his family. 

I try to imagine what it must be like to have been born in 1937 and be living in 2012.  He has buried everyone he has loved, except his children.  He is truly alone, except for when he comes to visit with me. I am his sounding board and best friend.  Strange combination we are.  This man has been there for me through all the horrid times since my husband died.  I am blessed to have someone this special in my life. I believe I also help him in many ways.  He confided in me that he would have been dead by now if it wasn't for me.  So I feel that in helping another human being find joy and peace it has also helped me heal.

If you are bored next weekend and looking for ET, head to Pinebush, New York...Peace!

A room with a view....

I am no longer a basement dwelling bitch...that's right people...I have a bedroom with, count 'em, 3!!!! windows...Maybe my depression stems from years of living in dark, dreary spaces with no sunlight? The family dog is now my new BFF,  She would never go down the stairs at the old house, she was scared of the basement.. (So was I) Now her favorite thing to do is sit in my bed and look out my window.  Harley, family dog, also now has been sleeping in my BRAND NEW BED. much to the dismay of sis-in-law.  Did I mention I have a BRAND NEW BED?  After one year of sleeping on a cot topped with body pillows to make a mattress, the Fed-Ex truck pulled up and delivered above mentioned bed. I have pretty curtains. Lilac and white gauzy things.  I may never leave this room again. I'm in heaven.  You rent two basements over  the last few years with no windows, curtains are a huge deal.  Tina told me she is hurt because the dog is now sleeping with me instead of her.  I told her the thrill will wear off soon.  The family dog is a bed slut. I love this funny looking mutt!

In other news the upstairs is unpacked. Downstairs? Sigh, I don't want to leave my windows and curtains to unpack. I shall have to be a team player however and knock the rest of this unpacking stuff out.  I am lazy.  Rather than unpack the box I opened it and grabbed a frying pan and a spatula. I rode to the new house with my coffee maker on my lap.  A coffee maker, new bed and pretty curtains....what more do I need?  Peace!!!!

I always hear the train a comin'

I hear the train a comin'
It's rolling round the bend
And I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when,
I'm stuck in Folsom prison, and time keeps draggin' on
But that train keeps a rollin' on down to San Antone..
When I was just a baby my mama told me. Son,
Always be a good boy, don't ever play with guns.
But I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
When I hear that whistle blowing, I hang my head and cry..

I bet there's rich folks eating in a fancy dining car
They're probably drinkin' coffee and smoking big cigars.
Well I know I had it coming, I know I can't be free
But those people keep a movin'
And that's what tortures me...

Well if they freed me from this prison,
If that railroad train was mine
I bet I'd move it on a little farther down the line
Far from Folsom prison, that's where I want to stay
And I'd let that lonesome whistle blow my blues away.....

Category:

Music

We got married in a fever....hotter than a pepper sprout!



A great love story....


We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout,
We've been talkin' 'bout Jackson, ever since the fire went out.
I'm goin' to Jackson, I'm gonna mess around,
Yeah, I'm goin' to Jackson,
Look out Jackson town.

Well, go on down to Jackson; go ahead and wreck your health.
Go play your hand you big-talkin' man, make a big fool of yourself,
Yeah, go to Jackson; go comb your hair!
Honey, I'm gonna snowball Jackson.
See if I care.

When I breeze into that city, people gonna stoop and bow. (Hah!)
All them women gonna make me, teach 'em what they don't know how,
I'm goin' to Jackson, you turn-a loose-a my coat.
'Cos I'm goin' to Jackson.
"Goodbye," that's all she wrote.

But they'll laugh at you in Jackson, and I'll be dancin' on a Pony Keg.
They'll lead you 'round town like a scalded hound,
With your tail tucked between your legs,
Yeah, go to Jackson, you big-talkin' man.
And I'll be waitin' in Jackson, behind my Jaypan Fan,

Well now, we got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper Sprout,
We've been talkin' 'bout Jackson, ever since the fire went.
I'm goin' to Jackson, and that's a fact.
Yeah, we're goin' to Jackson, ain't never comin' back.

Well, we got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout'
And we've been talkin' 'bout Jackson, ever since the fire went...

Ramblings from the home front....

I was making Easter breakfast Sunday when I felt this big hug from behind and in front of me was this bouquet of flowers.  Jesse had arrived.  I was touched.  My youngest is learning how to make Mom happy.  He and I have come a long way in our relationship.  Forgiveness is the best part.  We are learning how to let the past go and enjoy our life today as it is.  He brought his best friend Reuben, who is like a brother to him and we ate a nice breakfast.  I than took him to the new place and he was happy for me.  Every room we went into he would yell "Helllllooooo".  He told me he was happy for me, and than in his lecturing voice he said, "Mom this place is special, no Baltimore slip-ups ok?"  That is his way of saying stay on the right path.  I love that child more than air itself. Always have, but for a period of time was to screwed up to feel it. 

Jason on the other hand is telling me that he is clean because he bought some Suboxone off the street, and now just needs to leave Baltimore and "maybe" stay with me until he gets on his feet.  Number one, I don't believe he is clean. Number two, Tina and I made an agreement that no kids are moving in unless Jesse lost his place.  She is still trying to get her son out on his own.  We both agree that we can't live with people we can't trust.  Jesse has never stole from me.  Jason has.  Tina's son is in the beginning stages of addiction.  He stole some of her pain meds and anxiety meds and she is really getting to the point of kicking him out.  My nephew is honest with me.  He told me he needs professional help.  Him and his mother are very co-dependent. He just started working at a convience store and I want to see how this works out. 

On another note, Jesse made a good point.  He said, "Mom rent a U-Haul and let me knock it out in one load."  I only have a bedroom worth of stuff.  Tina has a full house of furniture.  We were going to do it by loads in my pick-up truck,  but with the price of gas and stress on the boys moving everything I agree with him.  So I called U-Haul yesterday and it's only $39.99 for 24 hours as we are moving 7 minutes down the street. Plus, fuel and a refundable deposit.  So I think that is the best route to get everything out.  I have always been able to pack my life up in about 20 min.  I have now aquired a decent wardrobe, tv, laptop, nice knic-knaks and some pretty cool artwork.  The only thing I need now is a nice bed, or hell just a box-spring and mattress.  I have been sleeping on a cot since arriving in Pa.  So anyone out there who has an extra bed please let me know.  I don't think I can afford to buy one this month, but I will pay anyone who has an extra bed.  Just can't afford a brand new one.

So that is where I am at this lovely Tuesday.  Sunday is D-Day.  Here is a coffee toast to new beginnings and life getting as sweet as my coffee is.  Peace!