I just noticed..

Do you remember the first time you noticed your parent/s were aging and or old? It just hit me this morning with my mother. She now walks with a cane. It takes her two tries to get up from sitting down. She is now going to the hospital tomorrow for a catherization to check a blockage in her heart. I realized this morning that she just might not be around forever. Kenny always told me that no matter how much you might differ or argue with you mother, that once she is gone, it is an ache that lasts forever. I am learning to cope with grief. There are no words. I believe now that time is the only healer, no matter how trite that may sound. I find comfort in memories, songs and photos. I am now trying to prepare myself for the fact that my mother might only have but so many years left. My husband took me totally by surprise. I think that made it harder. Death came quickly, a thief that dashed in and out and took my heart. My mom is now talking about wills etc. I dread these conversations. I know they must take place. So for today I am trying to enjoy our time together and make each day count. Peace.

Watching a loved one spiral out of control

I am watching my brother go on a downward spiral. It is disheartening. The only positive that has come from this is that it has made me take an inventory of my life. I am now inspired to make changes. Don't have alot of time to blog this am. as I have to do my one morning shift of the week. I am seeing parallels of a younger me and don't like it,not one bit. So I can't be a rescuer, only of myself. This has given me the motivation to do the best I can. By God's grace that could be me if I am not diligent. So this new work week is filled with positive's. I am working on my goals not with a ferocity. That is why I haven't been blogging as much as normal. I am exhausted. I love my blogger friends dearly. You all inspire me daily. The Paxil has made a huge difference and I am starting to find the actual clarity in my muddy waters. You can't bullshit yourself. Here is to a new healthy week. God Bless and be happy each and everyone of you..Time to don my uniform and tie my apron tightly. Peace!

Still has the right to practice

My late husband always told me that everyone had a price. I am starting to believe he was right. This man is still licensed to practice medicine. Doctors like this make it hard for all people who need legitimate pain medicine. Thou shall do no harm is a serious oath. Who the fuck gets put under at night to go to sleep? This isn't about Michael Jackson. It's about what money can buy, even at your own harm. This doctor should be banned from touching another human being or animals for that matter.

The dreaded head cold!

Yup, congested, kleenex and miserable. Nose looks like Rudolf. My son has it, as do all the people I work with. Germs are running rampant. I spent all day in bed on my day off. Feel a little better today, thank God. I am starting to feel my age lately, which scares me as I am 43, what the hell is going to happen in 10 years??? I am pure evil when I am sick. I try to sleep through it as much as I can. This is the hardest I have worked in many years and I do believe stress can make you sick. I have been working 14 hours shifts. They are beating me up physically. So today I shall catch up on my reading and chores and tend to my sick kid. Thankfully he doesn't get as nasty as I do when he isn't feeling well. I shall be hitting all your blogs today. I can't blow my nose anymore or it will fall off. Have a great day!

The Sacred Day Off

Ah, I can exhale today. It was sunny all day this past week. Of course on my day off-RAIN. I don't care. I have a secret to share with you readers. I started a new med regimen. Paxil. Yup, and you know what? The stuff is working. I 'fessed up to my doctor that I have been incredibly depressed lately to the point where it is starting to interfere with my daily living. I had stopped taking all pysch meds about 3 years ago. Been through the gamut. Lithium, Depakote, Zoloft and Effexor. This is the first one that has actually made me feel "better". The problems are still the same, but I don't sit here and dwell on it anymore. I am always the first to make fun of all the new happy meds they have nowadays. Ironic huh? I just felt myself slipping into this dark hole and it was getting bad. I wouldn't say I was suicidal, but I was questioning what the purpose of life is. These feelings just wouldn't go away. I had a hard time getting ready for work. I didn't want to take phone calls. I simply didn't want to do anything. It's been one week now and I am starting to come around. The darkness is turning into light. I am starting to feel more at peace. So if taking this pink pill everday is going to help, I shall continue. I am going to cook a nice meal for dinner. I am going to try to make each day a better one. Here is to optimism and hope! Peace...

Thought for the day

How do I hide my hostility at work when the whole back of the house at this time does not speak English? My boss replaced 90% of the kitchen and dishroom with Latino help.. They are a beautiful people, but now my friend Mark, who is sort of in Roberts shoes, almost 50 and busts his ass at Denny's, and maybe two others are now in the minority at work, with their hours cut..Many of us are getting frustrated, but if we open our mouth, than we will be colllecting unenjoyment. It has really made me see my boss in a new light.. Not very pleased...Picking up an early shift today, so I am outta here and on my way. Be back manyana! (sp)

Sexy??????

Through a fellow favorite blogger, Sarcastic Bastard,http://sarcastbastard.blogspot.com/ I found this site. On this site I found this photo. I simply can't fathom what is going through certain people's mind when they take a photo such as this. This is what I do on my day off by the way. Absolutely nothing productive...