Jay and his bff are now staying with a couple that is good friends with me, right down the street. This is a much better place than he was staying before. I think the wife and I are going to be very good friends. Do you ever just meet people that you click with instantly? That's how it is since I have met her. The fact that they didn't hesitate about renting to the boys really touched me. Tina is not stable enough to deal with anymore people. She has her own issues with her son. Deep down inside I believe that she really doesn't want him to be independent. It has always been just the two of them. Now that her husband has passed, he is all she has. I am not a big fan of telling a young boy that he is now the man of the house, which is what she told him. All of our kids are trying to find their way in this world and they don't need any clinging moms to hinder them.
Everytime I make a new female friend I always have trust issues. Katie doesn't make me feel that way. I "get" her and she likewise understands me. I have been so careful to whom I open my heart to since Kenny died. Now I realize I do need friends in my life. It's been so long since I have visited other people. I tend to stay in my house because it makes me feel safe. Not any longer. I am ready to start dipping my toes in new and uncharted waters. I feel there are many new beginnings still out there. I don't want to miss them.
Time to run errands...Have a great weekend everybody. Remember, thrive don't just survive! Peace!
Jul 27, 2012
Jul 20, 2012
Rainy day woman!
That is me today. Me, Tina and my two bff sister's from Baltimore were going to do a cheap day trip to Ocean City, MD today, but thunderstorms and showers blew that right out of the water. I am a person who can do a beach trip cheap. I go for the ocean, not the t-shirts and trinkets that will wind up in the back of my closet. When you stand in front of the ocean, you realize that you are just not that significant or powerful. The oceans of our world are a testament to the fact that we are just little creatures that are here courtesy of nature.
The weather is supposed to continue on it's shitty path all thru the weekend. I get the blues when it's continuous gray outside. I need some comfort food. Tonight is going to be bacon, eggs and biscuits for dinner, oh yeah, and GRITS....Hot cereal makes me feel full and happy. Wow, happiness is much easier and cheaper at 45 than at 25. Who knew?
Take your tidbits of happiness when they arrive. Peace and Grits!
The weather is supposed to continue on it's shitty path all thru the weekend. I get the blues when it's continuous gray outside. I need some comfort food. Tonight is going to be bacon, eggs and biscuits for dinner, oh yeah, and GRITS....Hot cereal makes me feel full and happy. Wow, happiness is much easier and cheaper at 45 than at 25. Who knew?
Take your tidbits of happiness when they arrive. Peace and Grits!
Jul 15, 2012
Weekend Wind Down
The highlight of my week I do believe was going to the movies with Jay, Reuben and myself. Jay had been bugging me to go see this movie for two weeks. We got to the movies on Friday at 9pm. and we got the last 3 tickets for the 9:45pm. showing. It stars Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis and the bear named Ted. Seth McFarlane I believed directed this. The voice of Ted the bear sure sounded alot like Peter Griffin from Family Guy. The last three movies I have been too have all been ones my son dragged me too. This was ok and I didn't mind admiring Mark Wahlberg's sexiness throughout the movie. People walked out and I got the general sense that it wasn't what they expected. Oh well, I'll take any family time.
I love the feeling of driving again. Especially with the dog. I can't believe how I put that on the bottom of my list because I had fucked up priorities. Every time you accomplish something that is tangible, that is how I know I have moved forward. Someone asked me if I had a do-over button would I use it. I really don't know. What happened years ago has made me the person that I am today. I wish I could erase the hurt that I inflicted on people. Everyone feels that if they choose to self-destruct, that should be their own choice. I used to have that same philosophy. However there are many people that you affect with that behavior. So as I matured I learned it went beyone self.
Next goal is to get a decent, self-supporting job. I don't like being financially dependent on a man. My friend has been there for almost 2 years now. Thru the good, bad and fugly. How he had no clue when I would dip off that I wasn't right, I don't know. I'm glad I didn't spread my pain to him. No human being needs to experience that as we will suck the life right out of you. I am waiting for him to wake up so we can do our Sunday breakfast. I genuinely enjoy that and so does he.
We are experiencing a brief respite from the horrid heat-wave. I hope everyone else is as well. Hug your loved ones and enjoy the day. Most of all, don't worry about Monday! Peace!
I love the feeling of driving again. Especially with the dog. I can't believe how I put that on the bottom of my list because I had fucked up priorities. Every time you accomplish something that is tangible, that is how I know I have moved forward. Someone asked me if I had a do-over button would I use it. I really don't know. What happened years ago has made me the person that I am today. I wish I could erase the hurt that I inflicted on people. Everyone feels that if they choose to self-destruct, that should be their own choice. I used to have that same philosophy. However there are many people that you affect with that behavior. So as I matured I learned it went beyone self.
Next goal is to get a decent, self-supporting job. I don't like being financially dependent on a man. My friend has been there for almost 2 years now. Thru the good, bad and fugly. How he had no clue when I would dip off that I wasn't right, I don't know. I'm glad I didn't spread my pain to him. No human being needs to experience that as we will suck the life right out of you. I am waiting for him to wake up so we can do our Sunday breakfast. I genuinely enjoy that and so does he.
We are experiencing a brief respite from the horrid heat-wave. I hope everyone else is as well. Hug your loved ones and enjoy the day. Most of all, don't worry about Monday! Peace!
Jul 13, 2012
Drive!
Guess who can now legally drive? Yup, moi. I have had a suspended license since *blush* 1994. I just never bothered to pay the fines for all these years. After four trips to DMV I brought every paper known to man and bam, walked out with my permit. The law in most states is if you haven't driven in 6 months or more you have to start from scratch. So I have a temporary permit and than Wednesday I get my "official" license. I have been applying for a few jobs now that I know I am not so limited in where I can work. This was probably the best high I've had in 20 years. I originally got my license when I was 18 and than lost it at around 26 or so. Since I have left Baltimore nothing but good things, for the most part, have been happening. I am taking that as a sign that I made the right choice.
Now my next goal is to get gainful employment that makes me happy. I know, a tall order in today's economy. Thank goodness that I am an eternal optimist. I want to wake up and be eager to go to work. When you do what you love for a living it really isn't work. A girl can still dream. I keep thinking that if I were to publish a book what would it be about? I keep thinking that I want to write a "story of my life" type book, but there are so many recovery novels out there and what would set mine apart? The script usually follows a typical pattern that so many of us have read before. How do you make "your" story be unique? One of my all time fave novels is The Catcher In The Rye. There has never been one like it since. I just bought it at the local bookstore for my budding library. I read it when I was 13.
We all share our stories here, intimate details of our lives. No guise or phoniness. We just share a window into our lives. The windows have different curtains, but loving people sit behind the windows and pound it out on their keyboards. l feel so special to be part of this community. I know I would be worried if one of you suddenly disappeared. Thanks so much for sharing the journey. Peace!
Now my next goal is to get gainful employment that makes me happy. I know, a tall order in today's economy. Thank goodness that I am an eternal optimist. I want to wake up and be eager to go to work. When you do what you love for a living it really isn't work. A girl can still dream. I keep thinking that if I were to publish a book what would it be about? I keep thinking that I want to write a "story of my life" type book, but there are so many recovery novels out there and what would set mine apart? The script usually follows a typical pattern that so many of us have read before. How do you make "your" story be unique? One of my all time fave novels is The Catcher In The Rye. There has never been one like it since. I just bought it at the local bookstore for my budding library. I read it when I was 13.
We all share our stories here, intimate details of our lives. No guise or phoniness. We just share a window into our lives. The windows have different curtains, but loving people sit behind the windows and pound it out on their keyboards. l feel so special to be part of this community. I know I would be worried if one of you suddenly disappeared. Thanks so much for sharing the journey. Peace!
Jul 11, 2012
Alright with me!
Today "Alright with me" is my motto. Do you know how tickled I am to have my son living right down the street, 3 minutes away? I have seen him more in the last month than I have in the previous year. I am in love, head over heels. I confess. The man he is turning into, his personal convictions that he stands by...I have tears in my eyes as I am typing this. He has a great work ethic. Baggy Pants no more. He has to wear fitted uniforms for his job, lol. He is my personal mechanic. He mighgt not be The President, but he has an ok job at Heritage Honda, and that's alright with me. We talked for awhile last night and I only cried a little bit. It was an adult conversation and it went from childhood memories to today. Somehow through my fucked-upness I raised a decent human being that wants to do more than just take space up on this planet. They might cut the umbilical cord at the hospital, but there is another cord that can never be cut, and any mother knows what I am talking about.
Savor the moments while you can. Let your palate taste every flavor possible. Inhale the sweetness of the nectar. Don't just wake up, wake the fuck up and LIVE! A new day is dawning for all of us with each sunrise. Emrace the sunshine and, to quote a friend of mine....Just Be! Peace!
Jul 8, 2012
Sweaty Sunday
Just got back from walking the dog. It's "our" exercise plan. I can already feel the heat and humidity starting. I try to get out in the early magic hours of the dawn and when the sun sets to do my walking. Yesterday the heat index was 106. My air conditioner is now my bff. Who knew?
I know the walk in the am. has alot to do with how the rest of my day will go. I listen to the play list on my phone and just take everything in. The sights, sounds and smells. They are very different in Red Lion, PA vs Baltimore, Md. I used to awake anxious and stressed in Bmore. So many people, so many triggers and all the bullshit that goes with it. The early morning walk started with my late husband and I have continued on with it. Those walks probably saved our marriage. The two of us, coffee mugs and our dog. That is when we communicated our best. Now I use the time to communicate with my inner self. Sometimes I will sit in the porch swing out back and put Harley on the tether and just rock in the comfort of my swing. I can literally feel peace come in and anxiety go out. I have a prescription for anxiety, but lately I haven't felt the need or the urge to take the meds. I do stick with the Paxil, but I have been pushing all the other meds to the wayside. Pure clarity is the best. One of the neatest things I noticed was when I was about 27. I had quit doing heroin and was starting over, again. I realized that my food tasted better. Have you ever heard the term "dope-fiend sweet?" I truly believe that the narcotics dull your taste buds, hence the need for excessive use of sugar. Just my opinion.
Waiting for my friend to awaken and than we shall go to our fav breakfast spot. I think our shared Sunday breakfast is the best part of our weekends. Here is to breaking bread with your loved one's. Stay cool and screw sweaty, I'm a lady, I perspire. (Not) Peace!
I know the walk in the am. has alot to do with how the rest of my day will go. I listen to the play list on my phone and just take everything in. The sights, sounds and smells. They are very different in Red Lion, PA vs Baltimore, Md. I used to awake anxious and stressed in Bmore. So many people, so many triggers and all the bullshit that goes with it. The early morning walk started with my late husband and I have continued on with it. Those walks probably saved our marriage. The two of us, coffee mugs and our dog. That is when we communicated our best. Now I use the time to communicate with my inner self. Sometimes I will sit in the porch swing out back and put Harley on the tether and just rock in the comfort of my swing. I can literally feel peace come in and anxiety go out. I have a prescription for anxiety, but lately I haven't felt the need or the urge to take the meds. I do stick with the Paxil, but I have been pushing all the other meds to the wayside. Pure clarity is the best. One of the neatest things I noticed was when I was about 27. I had quit doing heroin and was starting over, again. I realized that my food tasted better. Have you ever heard the term "dope-fiend sweet?" I truly believe that the narcotics dull your taste buds, hence the need for excessive use of sugar. Just my opinion.
Waiting for my friend to awaken and than we shall go to our fav breakfast spot. I think our shared Sunday breakfast is the best part of our weekends. Here is to breaking bread with your loved one's. Stay cool and screw sweaty, I'm a lady, I perspire. (Not) Peace!
Jun 30, 2012
Ponderings
I have been giving serious thought to what my slogan is now. In my twenties it would have been something trite like "Sex, Drugs, Rock-n-Roll, and more Drugs". My thirties can be summed up nicely, "Lost and can't find my way home". Ah, but I am now 45. What started out as a question in a friend's blog has been eating away at my over-analyzing brain. I am in a good place these days for the most part. I am now past the point of self-sabatoging and self-destructing when things are going well in my life. That was a huge part of my old pattern. Many of you will not understand the hard-wiring of a brain that has been imprinted with addiction. Soooo scared of success! Failure is easy, immediate gratification is the theme. We stop growing up and maturing the day we first picked up. No wonder why so many of us are still trying to grow up. Our peers own homes and have careers, families and even the much saught after white picket fence. We want to be terminally unique. Than one day something happens. The thrill is gone. Sounds simple, but that is what really happens. We want to wake up with money for a coffee and a pack of cigarettes. We realize that we haven't taken a trip to the ocean in eons. Tired of cutting our own hair to save money for The Man. Realizing that the man is driving a Lexus that we paid for as we sit at a bus stop. All the little epiphanies turn into one big epiphany. We want our parents to be happy to see us instead of looking through the peep hole wondering how much money we need. If you have lived this, you know all too well.
So I am still pondering my slogan. I'm think of To The Moon as that is where I am aiming, but that also reminds me of The Honeymooners, so I'm still thinking. Happy Saturday! Peace!
So I am still pondering my slogan. I'm think of To The Moon as that is where I am aiming, but that also reminds me of The Honeymooners, so I'm still thinking. Happy Saturday! Peace!
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