Jan 25, 2010

Finding my place

I woke up this morning and felt totally lost. I am wiped out from work and not getting ahead. I am surrounded by addiction in my work environment and it is getting to the point where it is bothering me. I had to work 2 long shifts back to back due to people calling out because they are "sick"....I was raised that you never call out unless it is death and it better be your own...That is a direct quote from my now deceased father. I adore the owner of the restaurant..I think he knows who has what problems but he needs the bodies. There are only very few of us allowed in the register, which is a pain in the butt. I have to make sure it is locked at all times. My nerves are wearing thin.. I have my 32 year old brother sleeping on my couch. I have no privacy. Privacy is my most wonderful pleasure..Now it's gone. Maybe I am abnormal but if I don't have a certain amount of time alone everyday, it literally affects my mental health. Lately if I want to be alone, I have to go sit in the bathroom. Sorry for dumping my misery on my blog today, but it makes me feel better to put it in words. I have spent my entire adult life being married and a mother. Yes, I am grieving. Now it is time for me. I am happiest right now when I am alone. Solitude is a treasure. I resent it being taken from me. I love my brother, but he comes with his own set of issues. My plate is getting too full. Time to scrape it..Thanks for listening to my drivel today...

7 comments:

Whitemist said...

Solitude is a treasure! Oh how right you are, especially when we need to cleanse our hearts.
Keep your head up, some how, you will have a time!

Lou said...

Take a deep breath...and think about your boundaries. Maybe you could set a time limit on when he moves? Maybe everyone could leave for a certain amount of time a week so you could be alone? I'm with you on all of it--I must be alone and have quiet for a part of every day. My husband always has a TV or radio, or both, on all the time. It drives me nuts!

Lori said...

Whitemist- I am keeping my head up and trying my best. It does make me feel better to know that there are other people out there that feel the same way.

Lou- Like I said to Whitemist, just knowing that there are other's who feel the same is reassuring. I can only take so much "people" at a time. I make my living being extrodinarily nice. So once I come home I am off the clock so to speak...

the walking man said...

Lori...this may not sit right but solitude is a state of being achieved regardless of what is before your eyes. You want to be alone for a time and that's cool but you have it within you to isolate yourself even when others are around.

Lori said...

WM- That's funny you wrote that. I learned that when I was incarcerated. I learned to be aone even when surrounded by 45 other women. When I close my eyes I can go anywhere I want, including the present situation. I am simply getting frustrated because I don't want to be used or taken advantage of. I am starting to learn to speak up for myself. This is still MY apartmet, I just want some respect and courtesy..

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Sorry to hear you're down, Lori. I am the same way. I crave alone time. As a matter of fact, I have to work to not be a hermit, especially in the winter. If I didn't work, I swear I wouldn't leave my house.

Love you. Hang in there.

SB

Lori said...

SB- Oh thank you. Your last sentence is something I have said so many times. You have just confirmed that I am not crazy, lol. I feel much better now, thank you again!