Shame

I still feel that horrid word...Shame. Many things in my life I am proud of. Just like the ying and the yang, there are shameful moments as well. There is no undo or delete button. No eraser and chalkboard. I am learning to make peace with my demons that keep me up at night. I wish I knew where the root of shame comes from. Most of my shame comes from mistakes made as a parent. There is no damn book. There is also my own personal shame. That is the deepest. Shame from not having the right character at the right time. The only way that I have learned to assuage some of these feelings is simple. I no longer repeat stupid choices. I wake up and just worry about the day at hand. This seems to be working. When the guilt and shame builds up my first instinct is to run or self-destruct. That is no more. My body is too old for any more damage control. Mood stabalizers and madness no more. I am learning that most good feelings come from within. Paxil doesn't help change the facts in the book of my life. The depression comes from shame. Not bad for a laymen chick eh? I meditate now in the early am. That is working. Meditation is my lithium. Waking up and living on faith alone has become a my daily ritual. It is working. Peace!