Jan 9, 2012

Good Morning!

The coffee is great, the sound is pounding in my headphones and the house is still. This is the best part of the day. Things are going as well as they can. No complaints. My boy and his friend came and spent the night Saturday. My chest swells with pride when I look at the man he is becoming. The friend he brought has been his bff since he was about 10. J is loyal to a fault. Sometimes I look at him and the tears just come. He gives me a hug and says "Why are you crying Ma" and than he laughs. He gives a phenomenal hug. My older son Jason called me last week. He says he is clean. I would love to believe him, but my inner drug radar tells me he is being deceptive. Been there and done that, and I guess he will too one day. I wish I could heal him, but no one could heal me except me, and I know it will be that way for him as well. PA has been much kinder for me than Baltimore. I have had alot of time to think since being out of work and I realize that I have much to be thankful for. I have made amends to the people I love. I don't really give a shit about the people who used me like a cash cow last year. That was something I allowed to happen and it's just another chapter in my life book. Temptation got me and I split. I was living in a nice hotel with the hustlers and players. My only job was to sleep and look good when it was time to go out. I thank God that sanity kicked in and made me step outside and look at my life. I think everyone has a sanity button. The problem is that if you are too fucked up to hear it, it might be to late. I have finally learned to listen to that inner voice and I can "feel" people. Everyone gives off an energy. I have a weird gift of being able to read people. It's not always nice. I can see hate, envy and many other things that people radiate. I keep my circle of people VERY small and I share a dog with my sis in law. That is enough. Time to refresh the coffee cup, and peek out the window to see what the day shall bring. Peace!


Lou said...

Lori, I'm so happy for the place you are now, physically and spiritually.

Your boy is handsome! The older son..like you say..he will have to learn to love himself. Still, you are a mother, I know it hurts.

You know we are "launching" Andrew. He will stay sober..or not. I'm praying for all of our sons.

Your words have helped me so much. Be good to yourself, lady!

the walking man said...

Yes he is a giant of a man as you are become a giant of a woman...always trust your gut before your brain babe!

Lori said...

Lou- Your words have helped me as well. Isn't that kind of what this whole circle is about? I think Andrew is going to be fine. Faith is a great friend. Don't ever lose it. Love you Lou!

WM- My Baggy Pants is a man. (sorta,lol) I wish I would have listened to my gut to many times to count. Now I know better. Thanks for always being there, sharing our journies. Mucho Love from Pa.