Dabbing my eyes....

Well I ashamed to admit that I have been up all night long watching movies.  Just finished watching The Horse Whisperer for the first time.  Wonderful movie.  When I am laying in bed sobbing violently you know it's a great movie.  Robert Redford is so very talented, in front and behind the lens.

I haven't been writing much lately.  It comes in spurts (mind out of gutter please). Things have been going well or as best as I can expect.  I have been painting lately and that is  quite the stress remover.  I also can't smoke cigs when I paint so it's a two for one bonus. I found these HUGE fantasy books.  I use paint, pencils, and a certain type of crayon.  When I see the finished piece, just like writing something beautiful, the feeling is splendid.

I also realize I am still a work in progress.  I want to do more in my lifetime than just drift along and die.  Sounds trite, but I want to make a difference before the flesh becomes dust,. I am starting to keep notes on everything that appeals to me personally, for future reference.  Right now I am content to savor my hot am. coffee, the quite of the early morning.  The best part of the day. To quote a line from a song I have always liked...."Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there...Incubus.  That is simple and and a goal I know I can accomplish.  Peace, today and forever!

'Twat a Day

I have been pretty busy these past few days.  I find I write much better when I'm focused sitting in the dark.  Been up since 5am.  The winds have been wicked and wild.  It upsets the dog.  Her name is Harley.  My late husband picked her out as a puppy in Georgia for my now late brother-in-law.  She is the sweetest damn dog.  I usually like male dogs, but she is very protective and sweet.  I am stupid in love with this Harley.  My next husband will probably be a dog.  (just kidding, I think)

Went out last night for some retail therapy.  It always works, until I check my bank account.  Fuck it, the clothes were on sale.  We are blessed with a wonderful outlet 10 minutes away.  I bought a brand new winter coat for $24. Such pretty clothes and nowhere to show them off.  Life could be alot worse, so trust me, I'm not complaining.  I appreciate all my blessings when they come.  Family is the best.  True friends are great.  Faith in one's self is the foundation that all else rests on.  Peace!

Good Morning!

The coffee is great, the sound is pounding in my headphones and the house is still. This is the best part of the day. Things are going as well as they can. No complaints. My boy and his friend came and spent the night Saturday. My chest swells with pride when I look at the man he is becoming. The friend he brought has been his bff since he was about 10. J is loyal to a fault. Sometimes I look at him and the tears just come. He gives me a hug and says "Why are you crying Ma" and than he laughs. He gives a phenomenal hug. My older son Jason called me last week. He says he is clean. I would love to believe him, but my inner drug radar tells me he is being deceptive. Been there and done that, and I guess he will too one day. I wish I could heal him, but no one could heal me except me, and I know it will be that way for him as well. PA has been much kinder for me than Baltimore. I have had alot of time to think since being out of work and I realize that I have much to be thankful for. I have made amends to the people I love. I don't really give a shit about the people who used me like a cash cow last year. That was something I allowed to happen and it's just another chapter in my life book. Temptation got me and I split. I was living in a nice hotel with the hustlers and players. My only job was to sleep and look good when it was time to go out. I thank God that sanity kicked in and made me step outside and look at my life. I think everyone has a sanity button. The problem is that if you are too fucked up to hear it, it might be to late. I have finally learned to listen to that inner voice and I can "feel" people. Everyone gives off an energy. I have a weird gift of being able to read people. It's not always nice. I can see hate, envy and many other things that people radiate. I keep my circle of people VERY small and I share a dog with my sis in law. That is enough. Time to refresh the coffee cup, and peek out the window to see what the day shall bring. Peace!

A picture is worth a thousand words

2012

So this is 2012. The older I get the more bah humbug I become. The holidays meant something different when your children are little and excited. I did purchase a few gifts for those closest to me, but everyone else will just have to be happy with the holiday cards I mailed. Right now my agenda is employment and getting my room back in shape. My room is rather small and I have lots of clothes, pocketbooks and shoes etc. I know, poor me. I am sitting here typing watching Animal Cops in Detroit and the number of dog fighting cases really astounds me. I am a dog lover from way back and in all the high crime areas there is numerous dog fighting. What a civilized bunch we are. They said in Detroit there are so many stray cats and dogs that now people just shoot at the animals when they feel they are a nuisance. I am changing the channel. I don't have the stomach. I am hoping this year brings kindness and a sense of caring for our fellow man/woman/animal. We are all one in the big picture. Every action has a reaction. I have given up on the government ever implementing any type of change. It must happen from each individual. One person at a time. Time to clean....Peace!

This And That...

I found a little hometown bookstore yesterday and purchased the book The Heroin Diaries, by Nikki Six, Motley Crue member. Seems he kept a journal during much of his touring and the book is written journal style. I thought it would be the typical addiction story, but after reading this one and Chris Farley's book, I see a pattern. They have so much success and money that they almost can't hit bottom. So that was a good read. All the highlights sex, drugs and rock-n-roll. The New Year is upon all of us. I am not making resolutions. I am simply going to implement change. I have come this far, and now it's time to take another step forward. I ower $100 and my truck is paid off. My fines at DMV are paid and in PA if you have been suspended longer than 6 months you have to re-take the test, starting with learner's permit...than they schedule you for your "real" license test. I made the decision I want and need to drive. So I went to DMV yesterday along with the bookstore and got the driver's ed book. So look out....I shall be on the road within a month or so. Whatever your plans are for the New Year I wish all of you joy and happiness and the most essential...PEACE!!!!!

Happy And Sad, (Pyschotic Mess)

The holidays are full of surprises. Baggy Pants and his bestest friend, Reuben came up for the night.I amnow back on the job hunt again. My health had gotten bad and I was on medical leave. I call them this morning and let them know I am ok, and they tell me to call back in about 6 months?????? So I have now been perusing the help wanted. I have never had trouble finding a job before so I have faith that God will provide. I just do what I can, one day at a time. Life is always full of surprises. I have an interview tomorrow at a residential facility to work with disabled people and they are hiring immediately. They need someone for the graveyard shift, which I have worked for many years at, ahem, Denny's. Since caring for my late husband this is something that has always interested me. Just to be able to bring some joy and cheer to people who need it would be the biggest blessing there is. Everyone has a certain knack. Mine seems to be the knack of making people feel special and smile. Now I just have to find a way to support myself doing that. The potential employer sounds very interested, so my fingers are crossed. It's time I do something else with my life besides waitress. Not that there is anything wrong with it. I have reached the point where I want to do something better for myself. I don't want to be 80 carrying trays. Plus physically my back can't handle it. I just turned 45 this month. This upcoming year is going to be different all the way around. The optimism persits. As Jim Morrison said, "No time to wallow in the mire". Peace and Happy Holidays!