The sun rises again..

Just for today things are stable, my loved one back at home, comfortable and at peace.Thankfully this doc believes in keeping cancer patients out of pain. To quote John Prine, "But the morphine eased the pain, like a thousand railroad trains". I do not believe in seeing someone suffer needlessly. Comfort comes when you are sick being in your own home, your own bed, with your loved ones for support. Hospitals to me are like a form of jail for sick adults. You lose your personal freedoms. Dignity. Our country is ill-prepared for all of the aging baby boomers that are now becoming seniors. You know the signs of when you are an aging American. You get your AARP card. Than you get their magazine, so you can see how wonderful other seniors are doing. You get offered a senior coffee at McDonald's. Ah, the bounty that awaits our aging. Pfft!!! I am 42, somewhere in the middle. I must admit to being a tad scared of what awaits me as the numbers get higher. I wonder how much a senior coffee will cost in 25 years. Have a good day, one and all.

The need to write the words I can't say

I have been going through a personal hell as of late and just haven't felt the need to write. I need to write. The other night I was awoken to choking. There was blood everywhere. The trach had collapsed. There were literally pieces of tumor/tissue coming out of someone that I have loved since I can remember. So back to the hospital we go. This is the second trach that has been put in, in the last three weeks. Maybe the body is rejecting a foreign object? No one has any answers. I am beyond frustrated. I am watching this disease age another human being quickly, daily. My new battle is shuffling paperwork. The state of Georgia is huge, so they outsource alot of treatment to the area in which you live. I signed all the right papers. I called all the right people. I need the radiation to start yesterday. I got pulled into an office yesterday and was spoken to about advanced directives, and getting power of attorney. This person is no longer capable of making their own decisions. It is heartbreaking. The light, fire, and wit, is no longer visible, except for brief moments. Power of attorney of another human being? That is a huge responsibility. I am breathing slowly and trying to handle each crisis in small steps. I gaze at the lake. The lake ripples but is always calm. I wish I was a lake.

Define crazy

I would love for someone to define the word crazy. It is a term that is used quite frequently. Is the man who chooses to sell his million dollar home to travel the world on a motorcycle crazy? What about the heavily bearded guy with the sign that says "Will work for food"? Is he crazy? What about a table of educated individuals deciding to invade a country? Are they crazy? I have met many unique, diverse individuals in my life. I have visited the "nut ward" at the VA hospital. Those men are not crazy. Not that I am a wise sage who can judge sanity. Is there a rubber stamp labled CRAZY for those that choose to live differently? Some of the best conversations I have ever had were with people who might be a little off kilter, dance to the beat of their own drum, or simply dance to a beat that noone else will ever hear. I never thought they were crazy. Now, when I watch the morning news and see the sunny broadcaster yakking about murders and than switching the topic to state fairs and apple pie, that strikes me as more crazy than the man doing the thorazine shuffle. Maybe I am crazy?

Always a new pandemic

Gee, I think I have enough on my plate right now, and here comes the swine flu. I am still remembering the bird flu. I have decided with what little wisdom I have that if all these diseases and plagues the news is inundating me with come my way, so be it. Cancer has already hit, so nothing else will surprise me. I think the term is shellshock. I punch in on the timeclock and for those hours my happy face is on. I punch out and there goes the happy face right out the window,lol. I get paid to be nice and kind dammit. Does it ever occur to any of these great thinkers in the world that maybe we have simply overpopulated a planet, and the planet has had enough? We spread as fast as any damn virus. I have no empathy for the octo-mom, sorry. There are enough mouths that need to be fed. I can barely feed my family on my income, why should my tax money feed yours? I donate to the food bank etc. I carefully pick my charities. I just wonder when do the masses wake up and see the signs? I don't care if you believe in the bible, Buddha, or a damn tree. We are the greatest plague on the planet. Don't cry about the swine flu. I am sure when there are great rainfalls and floods those are the tears of the planet trying to wash away some of the virus known as mankind. We are the biggest pandemic, the human race.

Dressing in full armor, preparing for battle...

I know understand why Forrest Gump just started walking one day. The am walk with Auggie is what is keeping my spirits alive. I am starting to think he is more my therapy dog than just a pet. Plus, this dog values my job more than anyone in this house. This is due to the fact that I work in a steakhouse and my baby gets huge boxes of porterhouse and t-bones and lots of top choices steak scraps. He know turns his nose up at hotdogs. I don't blame him. I cut my work schedule down to 4 shifts per week instead of 6. So this is the beginning of my 3 day weekend. Today is the battle on the phone. Due to our zipcode they have switched VA facilities. I need to explain to these folks that radiation is supposed to begin this week, not on the 18th as the last letter I received. I am not accepting no for an answer. The caffeine is kicking in and I am ready to take on the federal government. Down here they are used to people just saying, "Yes ma'am, ok".. Not I said the fly. We are talking about something that is totally treatable with 100% recovery after 6 weeks radiation. They are not postponing shit. That is how I feel. I just keep imagining myself as the one who is sick with all the tubing and machinery. I would want someone to fight on my behalf. That is what I shall do. I will succeed.

Breathe easy and inhale the coming day...

These are the moments I live for. The little ones are huge to me. The moments when my patient is resting and at ease, I sneak in the moments for myself. The dog and I with the camera. Going to work and laughing and forgetting illness, at least for a period of time. My inner core of strength has actually been quite the surprise. I can do this. I will do this. The beauty of being a human being is our capacity to adapt and adjust. It's a beautiful thing. i have my health, family support and my sanity,( I think, lol) Going to get through this day and the next one after that. Not to be trite, but one day at a time my friends.

Freddie Mac executive dies at his own hand

I just read about the suicide of the acting chief finanicial officer of Freddie Mac. Suicide is something I can understand in one sense, but I don't think I could actually do. I feel empathy for the family of the man who died. I also remember reading about many other suicides from the average joe's in the US who turned on the carbon monoxide in their garage because their home was being foreclosed on. I think at the end of the day when you are alone with the mirror it doesn't matter what zipcode you live in.

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The scene this morning outside David Kellermann's house. (Gerald Martineau - The Washington Post )



Who's Blogging» Links to this article
By Zachary A. Goldfarb and Jonathan Mummolo
Washington Post Staff Writers
Wednesday, April 22, 2009; 2:51 PM

The acting chief financial officer of troubled mortgage giant Freddie Mac was found dead in his Fairfax County home early this morning after apparently committing suicide, Fairfax police said.

This Story
Freddie Mac Official Dead in Apparent Suicide
CFO of Mortgage Giant Dead, Suicide Suspected
David Kellermann, 41, was a longtime Freddie Mac executive who joined the firm as an analyst in 1992. He lived with his wife and young daughter in a stately red brick home in the upscale Hunter Mill Estates subdivision in the Vienna section of Fairfax.

Officers were called to the home by someone inside the house at 4:48 a.m., police spokesman Eddy Azcarate said. Kellermann's body was found in the basement.

Police sources told The Washington Post that Kellermann hanged himself and that his wife found his body and called police. They said he did not leave a suicide note.

County police spokesmen would not confirm those details, saying only that it was "an unattended death" and that there were no signs of foul play. The body has been taken to the office of the medical examiner, who will make a formal ruling on the cause of death.

Kellermann was named acting chief financial officer of Freddie Mac last September, after the federal government seized Freddie Mac and ousted its top executives. It is a highly demanding job closely scrutinized by the company's regulator.