Aug 23, 2009

My time to shine...

I have been reading alot of people's blogs who are involved with Al-Anon. I have a very difficult mother. Bitter, 65, and friendless. I am learning that some of the principles in AA I can use to apply to my situation. When someone reaches 65 they are set in their ways. They are not going to change. The way I respond to her is what must change. She literally makes my chest tight. So for Lou, Subdural Flow Blogger, thank you for sharing the principles of Al-Anon. My mother has serious mental health issues and she is aging. I do what I can, but now, when it starts to interfere with my own personal happiness, I stop. She is capable and able to make the necessary phone calls to SSI, doctors etc. I told her she is retired and that is now her job. To make sure her money continues to come in. For the last year I have been on phones for hours straightening out her messes. Just like you do a drug addict. I will no longer do that. I am 42 years old and am trying to find my way in this world after a huge loss. I don't need an additional burden. The place I am contemplating taking would enable us to live totally independent of one another. I would have a basement apt. with my son. She would be renting a room on the third floor. No more sharing a fridge, cooking etc. I know this sounds cold to some, but my mother has always been very emotionally abusive in a passive aggressive type way. When that doesn't work she screams. I will no longer participate in the bullshit. I learned that other people can make you sick. I want to be healthy. I need to heal. I am still coping with a tremendous loss as is my son. He needs someone to lean on and guide him. I can't do that if I am unhappy and emotionally stressed. Life can end in the blink of an eye. I want to thrive, not just survive. i want my youngest son to do the same. It is time to "DO ME". Peace!!!


Rachel said...

First of all I am so sorry about the loss of your husband. Life can change in the blink of an eye.

I think the steps you are taking with your mother are amazing. My mom's mom ia the EXACT same way. She is cruel, abusive, and just hates the world to be honest. I feel sorry for her. She never got to know her grankids because she was too caught up in negativity. You deserve to be happy and healthy, and whatever it takes to get there, do it!

Whitemist said...

I was told people do not change after 40. I do not believe it.
Some times it takes a mighty big stick to get our attention, but everyone has the ability to change, even at 65.
I think I am still in the process and do not know if it will ever stop and am loving much (not all of it).
I( do agree Bull shit is not change but a mask, a smoke screen and has no place in our lives from our self or others!
I think I like both your blogs!

Pookie said...


It doesn't sound cold to me at all. Cold would be to allow the situation to continue as is. What it sounds like to me is that you are trying to save your life, and your son's life, and to stop enabling your mother's co-dependency. For that I say BRAVO!! Do what you have to do for ALL of you.

Although I'm going to always wonder what we could have accomplished, it sounds to me like the plan you have in place is the one you need to follow, and I wish you luck. I pray that we get just ONE CHANCE to share a hug before you go.

Love you girl, and hang tough!!


Lou said...

First, thanks for the good news on your son's 6 months. I wanna, wanna say that too! Andrew has 16 months, but in a controlled environment. Let him loose in the world, and all bets are off.:(

Second, you are right on with this! You need to deal with YOUR grief and YOUR son and YOUR life. That is not selfish, that is sensible. Having your mom in her own space is a great start.

And love the part about thriving, not just surviving. There is a big difference. My husband was always living in the past, and I told him his life was 50% over! Time for him to wake up and make the most of the 40-50% he has left.

Brother Frankie said...

this does not sound cold at all.

actually it sounds like a healthy decision! good for you.

ill be praying for your healing as well as your sons.

You are loved tremendously,
Brother Frankie
A Biker for Christ

the walking man said...

Mom needs to find her own freedom now, hell she is a big girl and it's not like you're separating yourself bu a Country Mile.

Lori said...

Rachel- I am sorry your grandmother never got to know the grandkids. Grandparents are so special to children. It can be a very special relationship. I am sorry about my hubby too, but I am trying to live the way he would want for me and mine. Thank you.

Whitemist- My late husband belived firmly in arcs of life. RE: the decisions you make at 20 are not the same you will at 30 and 40 and so on. I made most of my life changing choices after 40. I outgrew certain behaviors and got into the " I want and deserve a good quality of life mode". I guess anyone can change. Mom does not want to. I,too, am still a work in progress.

Pookie- My dear friend, that hug might still happen. I am going job hunting up there next Sunday and Monday. Right now I have a good job and a nice house, however rural it may be. I have found in my line of work I make friends pretty easy and hopefully will get blessed and the cycle will continue. You know some of my personal issues for wanting to move and you, more so than most, understand without judging. That's why I love ya girl. Sending you a huge cyber hug.

Lou- At least Andrew has the knowledge know of what if feels like to wake up not addicted. It might have happened forced, but there are drugs in prison. I used to say, if you can't stay clean in prison, you might as well stay. He just needs to remember the slamming doors and no freedom when he is in the "free world". That will be a huge part in serving as a deterrent to make bad choices. What you tell your husband, I tell my mom constantly. It's like preaching to a deaf person. It makes me sad, but I am now concerned about my and J's quality of life. Taking my older boy to the airport today. Keeping him and his continued sobriety in my prayers. As I pray for Andrew.

Brother Frankie- Thanks so much for always offering support and encouragement. All these little comments are what keep me going. Your words DO make a difference. I try to remember that when I comment on others blogs. I just live on faith. (And food)

WM-You always "get it". This house is set up where she won't feel abandoned but can start to regain her personal sense of self again. We do have a very co-dependent relationship. It is very unhealthy. I know this and plus she makes my chest literally get so tight at times, that if I don't make a change it will start to affect my health. Thank for alaways being their with an big internet shoulder to lean on whenever I have needed one.