Sanity is restored

Happy Easter or not, whatever your beliefs. My mind is focused and my soul is at peace. I found a hospital 3 hours away. Proper treatment is happening, the ball is rolling and that is really all I wanted. You hurt anyone in my family I grow a set of testicles that would shame King Kong. Since my stay in the southern bible belt, I have learned to tone my tongue and make an attempt at being lady-like, at least while I am on the time clock anyhow. Just for today I am learning that I still must laugh, and take care of me. Laughter is the best therapy. When that doesn't work there is the occasional benzo for relief. Just to know that I am mature enough to only take them as needed is a big kudo for me. My important job is to keep Baggy Pants in check and his spirits up. This kid doesn't share feelings. Big tough guy. (As his mother, I beg to differ). Every family needs a rock to lean on. I have done enough self-absorbed leaning on others throughout my life. It is my turn to be the rock for others. Be blessed in all your ventures and please be thankful for whatever you have and even what you don't. It's all a big shell game. Peace!!!

Now I know why the rent is so damn cheap!

You, too, can live in bucolic, rural beauty at a fraction of the cost of glamorous big city living. Just one thing. DON'T GET SICK!!!!!!! I think I could go purchase a lab coat and a stethoscope, get a sign and hang it on the hinges of my front door and hang a MD license on my wall fresh from my Dell printer and do a comparable or perhaps better job than certain ones I have met. I will not be blogging for about 2 days as I have to travel to get healthcare for my family member. I love my house, the lake and the quiet. Right now I would trade it all to be within 10 minutes of a John Hopkins facility. Very angry and frustrated. Learning words like trach, gastro and radiation. I know that anger comes before acceptance, but right now I need to get through this anger phase. My 65 year old mother can't even find a doctor down here because none of them accept Medicaid. Cash only. So I will be very busy between work and driving back and forth. I am taking tons of vitamins and supplements. The terror of being sick without adequate medical facilites nearby is scary. Please keep my family in your prayers.

Common sense is the best sense

Well I have been trying to find some solitude to write. I was blown off all day yesterday and reached the point where enough is enough. My family member is en route as I type to Augusta Ga to the closest VA hospital. They didn't want to be 3 hours from home, but I am tired of the lack of care in this rural area. This local hospital simply isn't equipped to give the treatment needed. Maybe if you need a few stitches or you break a leg, yeah, than they are fine. Anything else, nada. Mind you, they rushed me to get in there and had me pay out of pocket to get all these tests done. Once they received my money, no one will talk to me. Spent the day yesterday doing tons of online research and after much thought decided that is what the VA is for. Medical care for veterans who have served this country. I wish there was one closer to home, but there isn't. The only other VA hospital is in South Carolina. I guess the one thing that Baltimore did spoil me with was health care. I was always near John Hopkins University or a satellite thereof, or a VA hospital all within 20 minutes of my old house. This growth in the throat is getting larger daily. I have watched a loved one lose 25lbs in 3 weeks. They are no longer able to swallow anything except liquids. The local doctors are like, just hang in there and we are waiting for tests. Sorry, that is unacceptable in my book. This growth is starting to interfere with their breathing ability. I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent person, so with my lay men's judgement I made the VA call and pray it is the right one. It has to be better than nothing happen and everything staying static, yet the tumor is growing. So someone that is very dear to me is now three hours away, but in my heart I know that the ball will start rolling and the treatment that is needed will at least begin in someway, shape or form. Forgive this next snotty comment, but I really think that in this little town they are used to people seeing a white coat and the word Dr. on a white lab coat and accepting whatever is being told and just saying "Yes, ma'am or sir", no questions asked. Sorry, but God gave me a brain and I am not the one to be spoon fed horseshit. Whew, feel much better that I got this off my chest. The crazy train in my brain has finally slowed down and I am able to regroup and think. If anyone who reads my writings please, trust me, don't be afraid to question something if it doesn't feel right. God gives us intuition for a reason. That little voice is there for us to listen to. This is my last posting for about 3-4 more days. Thanks for the support of everyone who reads, comments and even those who lurk. My prayers are with everyone.

Taking a breather

Well, I am trying to keep the peace in my head, by dealing with what is dealt to me on a daily basis. The cancer diagnosis will be official on Monday. Next step is the treatment plan. I have learned one thing in life and that is some things can change, others can't. So just for today, I am going to live my life as normally as possible, enjoy what simple pleasures I have and regroup. To conquer any beast in life you have to be strong. Worrying myself to the point of no sleep and not eating is not going to help anyone. In order to take care of another human being you must take good care of yourself first. I don't mean that to sound selfish, it is just advice that has served me well in the past. I am in a strange area with doctors that I am unfamiliar with. They are moving this process along so quickly that I haven't had time to truly absorb the facts of the matter. Monday morning I am getting on the phone and start doing what I do best. Research. If you have to fight an enemy you need to have as much ammunition as possible. I want to read and absorb and much information as humanly possible. I am a fighter, have been my whole life. I want answers, but first I need to know what the questions are. Everyone of you who reads my writings, the support I receive is so important to me. I am being sincere. So for now, please just continue to offer support and prayers.

The Big C has now invaded my life

Well, I know have a new battle to deal with. A certain family member of mine has been sick with what they originally thought was a thought infection. This member has been to the er twice in the last two weeks. Well now the Xrays were faxed to this nameless family member's primary care doctor, who referred him to a throat specialist immediately. The special st called yesterday and said to bring this person in asap. (This member asked me not to post who they are on my blog so I am respecting their wishes). I mentioned that I would not be able to pay the copay until Friday. They said don't worry about money, just get "person" into office. They are willing to work out payment arrangements. According to the X-Rays there is some type of growth on his throat that is interfering with his/her ability to eat. I am going to wager a biopsy is the next step. Why did this befall my household? I am scared to death. That is why I haven't been commenting and writing as often as usual, between work and this new situation. Trying to be strong and get myself prepared for whatever news I might hear this afternoon. So please everyone, keep my family in your prayers. I will update tonight. Thanks for everyone who is supportive of my little rantings and online babbling.. It keeps me sane.

Am ramblings

I wonder what today will bring? Joy, happiness and peace, or stress, angst and misery. The daily coin toss. I believe that my mindset has alot of control, but in the casino of life, you can be smokin' hot one day or crapped out the next. I really hope the next few weeks the dice are blazing and my roll is SWEET. Don't mean to compare my life to a Vegas casino, but that is how it feels. Just when I get on a damn roll, they switch dealers at the table and The Widow-Maker arrives. I shit you not. That is the roller coaster called my life. Lately I am learning to hedge my bets, and be thankful when I break even or remotely close. There is always the option of going postal when my mind fragments, but I am too much of a pacifist by nature. Plus, I don't think I really know how to shoot a gun, so that rules that bright idea out. When all else fails, I just drink an assload of coffee until my head rings crystal clear. Caffeine and I have quite a splendid relationship. Nothing happens in this house until I ingest my first cup of java. My family knows it and God Bless 'em, they have learned to deal with it. I can feel the black brew burning into the pit of my stomach and the clearing of my mind is starting now as I type. Maybe it is going to be a good day after all. Hail the aribica bean!!! That magic bean is the only reason I am going to be able to get into my magic bus and go to work. Have a great day. May the cards fall correctly today.

Georgia in the sunny am

How can you see these photos and not believe in some sort of Creator?