Anger

With the early am. sun I realized I am angry at you.
What? Did you think it would be the same here without you?
Wrong!
You were my buddy to laugh with, you got my Deliverance jokes.
Now I am living the damn movie.
Alone.
There is no one to do "The Happy Dance" with...
The dance we did when the bills were paid and we had a few extra dollars.
Baggy Pants has no one to REALLY talk to.
For some strange reason he thinks you gave better advice.
Go figure.
My mother commented that "I am morose to be around"
Well exscuse fucking me!
I am trying.
I put my makeup on everyday, my happy face and go to work.
I am learning to speak local without sounding sarcastic.
I just wish I knew why I am so angry with you at the strangest times.
Is it because you left me alone and promised never to do that?
I know you didn't do it on purpose, but it still stings.
I am trying, I swear I am, to keep attaining all of our goals.
I will fight the good fight.
I will try to laugh instead of cry.
I will NOT get a confederate flag for the front of "our" house.
Sorry toots...I draw the line there.
I am missing you today.

Strange Days

I must admit to being very lax about blogging these days as I have found three books that I have been reading from cover to cover. It's been awhile that anything has sustained my interest to keep me away from my precious computer. The first book I finished was called Glass, it's a series of books by an author who's own daughter had a horrid struggle with methamphetamine. She also wrote another book called Crank and than there are two others, the one I am reading is about 3 different people in a mental institution, two from addiction, one is a cutter. They are the most realistic books I have read in awhile. The other one I am reading now is from my friend Lou and it is called Cost. I had forgotten the pleasure of being curled up with a nice blanket and a good book. Reading has actually been helping me quite a bit with the blues of life. When I gaze in the mirror I see a 42 year old woman, now a widow, with a teenage son and a mother who is in the beginning stages of dementia. Thank God for the dog. Animals are the best healers at times. So here is to warm fuzzy blankets, good books and warm fuzzy dogs.

Sorry...

I wish everyone knew how much that one word can mean. Sorry. Sadly some people use it way too much and don't mean it. Years ago a man I loved very much got down on his knees, tears streaming down his face. I saw guilt and pain and shame. I also saw love. He uttered two words- "I'm Sorry"...I weighed 98lbs. I am 5"8. He was sobbing. He was trying to apologize for introducing me to the devil. He didn't know that I was already hard-wired to fall in love with the devil. He scooped me up and drew me a hot bath. I hadn't showered in two days. He lathered my hair and washed every nook and cranny of my body. He fed me bananas and orange juice. I couldn't walk. I was hallucinating. I was exhausted. I healed over time. When I close my eyes I still hear and feel those two words, "I'm sorry". The reason I feel them is because when they were said, they were meant.

Changing Roles

Every night around 3am. my youngest son creeps into my room and makes sure I am all the way in the bed and under the covers and sleeping well and peacefully. He proves a point that I have always believed. It's not what you say, it's what you do. Peace.

Friday Flash 55- Unconditional

You let me grow.
You let me make mistakes.
I needed help beyond what you were capable of.
You were the knight on the white horse.
I was the junky princess.
What a pair.
You saved my life, not once,
but three times.
You fought for me.
I thank you for loving me way too much.

Savannah Bound

Yes, I am exploring today.. Don't have to go back to work till tomorrow. Can only wallow in sorrow for so many days. Savannah Ga is historical, probably the most similar area to Baltimore next to Atlanta that is down here. There is actually a mall!!! I have to knock out a trip to the doc with my mom first, but than I want to see this city I have heard so much about. I can only hide in my master bedroom for so long. I have made a few friends, one in particular who keeps threatening to kidnap me and shake me out of my funk. So I am making an effort today to be pleasant and wide-eyed and curious like I used to be. I feel so lost in this big world. I have never been alone. Baggy Pants grieves in his own way, which is to himself. So I reach out when the moments present themselves, but we are both going through this struggle in our own unique ways. Oh yeah, receiving a blessing from the insurance company from that accident last week. God knows the money will come in handy. My new attitude is to count my blessings and try to move forward, but God, the process is slow. Have a great day. Oh yeah, I will publish my first Flash 55 this week. Have it all written on a pad on my desk. So be be prepared. Have a great day one and all.

Back on track..

Been rather off kilter this last week. Sleeping way too late. Except for going to work, don't feel a sense of purpose. It felt nice to awaken with the sun not yet risen. This is MY time. Everyone asleep, even my trusty dog. No one bothering me, asking me pointless questions, wanting a piece of me. Healing is a long, slow process. This is the time to heal. In the silence of the morning. Watching the sun come up. That is when I feel God's presence. I make my best decisions. This is the best cup of coffee, the one I am drinking right now. I now see the sun winking at me from the trees. Sigh, another day has begun...