Today is a day of missing you...

It's one of those days. I realize when I turn around that you are not sitting on the couch, holding the remote. I was the computer chick, you were the t.v. dude. I miss spinning in my chair and seeing your face, the thick glasses and your salty colored hair. I miss the comfort of your presence, not talking, just being. I don't forsee me finding that anytime soon and I am not looking. My grief has turned more inward. I don't cry as much anymore. I keep you with me, privately. I still save all my dimes in your piggy bank. I have taken to sleeping on the couch again, because the bed seems much to big these days. I know you are not reading my blog, but I just want you to know that even though I no longer cry myself to sleep, I still miss you like crazy. Things just aren't the same in my world without you. I am trying, I promise, to hang in there. It was much easier when I was part of two, instead of just being one. Remember how when you used to sweat I would tell you how you smelled like glue? I miss that smell so much. I miss that little strawberry mark on the back of your head. The one I used to be careful with when I would shave your head. When someone dies, it is surprising the things you miss. It is the little things, for me at least. I put two more dimes in the bank today....

It's gonna be alright

Well we got denied for the apartment, but not being a quitter, I found out about Obama's make home affordable programs. They froze the foreclosure status of my mom's house that we left behind here when we moved to Ga. So now we are in negotiations to get a lower, fixed rate. The program is for people, like my mother, who got predatory loans. Kenny begged her not to sign that re-finance paperwork as he knew it was horrible. Her need for an immediate fix won over and she signed, basically away her house. We have been renting it out now for almost two years. I think this might be our best bet all the way around. It is large enough where I can throw Baggy Pants and my brother in the basement and be three floors away and left alone. So that is the next mission I am working on. That and working my behind off. I am grateful to be employed as much as I bitch about it. Jobs are scarce these days, yet I have always managed to find one. I shall not quit. In any aspects of my life. So here is to keep on perservering and never quitting. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. OH yeah, I still keep finding my dimes from heaven at the strangest times.. I have Kenny's piggy bank for all the dimes that he saved and I continue to fill it. It is sort of my way of keeping his wishes alive, and my hope alive. Peace....

Interesting....

Trainspotting is one of my favorite movies. I thought this poster was delightful. I guess folks across the pond aren't thrilled with their government either.

Babbling's

I noticed lately that I write WAAAYYY better than I speak. I don't understand. When I talk I have a tendency to go off on tangents. It's like there are all these thoughts dying to get out, and I try to verbally do that. It sounds like babble. Maybe when you write you actually have time to sit down and think through what you want to put on paper. I have been like this since a child. I have had a journal since I was about 12. Sadly I no longer have the old wire bound notebooks, but oh, I wish I did. Those journals were such a source of comfort through a crazy adolescence. Do any of you feel the same way in regard to writing your thoughts vs. speaking them? Just curious. Enjoy the weekend. Mine starts tomorrow~

Stress can make you sick

Well, once again, I am back to work, feeling a little better. Through lots of reading, I have discovered that stress is a huge factor in getting sick. So, I have decided to give my brother a time frame. 30 days I think is fair. We got denied for the apartment due to my mother's credit. Well at least we didn't pay for the credit check, and that gave us an example of where we stand credit wise. So my next bet is to find a private owner to rent from. There are many places to rent, with the economy being in such a mess. I moved from Georgia, with my main concern being finding employment. Did it. I found a place to live. Done. Now I would like to find more decent housing. I have found that making small goals, one at a time, that are attainable, work best, at least for me. When you make goals that are simply impossible it leads to depression and feeling hopeless like a failure. So now I make my goals realistic. It is almost spring time coming so I might try to find a job at a steamed crab house. The money selling steamed crabs is phenomenal in Baltimore. A dozen runs about $50. So your check averages are nice, especially with liquor thrown in. This is where I am at today. I feel good. Baby steps are the ones that I am taking. One foot in front of the other.. Peace....

The flu and other dribs and drabs...

Good morning world...got myself in a great mindset early on this am. and than the stomach and bowels went to war with each other. They won..I called out, this is a short day, but my favorite of all shifts, so I hate to miss it. Might be the mexican food I have eaten, I don't know, but I have to be near the toilet at all times. No one wants an unhappy, sniveling waitress..So today shall be spent in my bed with Eclipse, yes, I am reading the series. The books are always better than the movies. That is something I learned when I was 11. Still holds true.

I have spent the morning catching up on all my favorite blogs. There is something wonderful about the connection we have. I have never physically met any of you, but I read about your lives and wonder if you are well and ok. I learn that everyone has their own struggles and trials. I love it when great things happen in your world. Doesn't take much to bring me joy. Material things and such don't really get it these days. It is always the intangible, the untouchable, things I can't purchase, that makes me have my bright moments. So for all of you who blog, please keep writing. You might not think it matters to anyone, but you are very wrong..Your scribblings and musings do make a difference. Peace!

Soul-Searching....

Well the end of my two days off has arrived. Tomorrow I will be starting a new work week. I am going to try to have a new attitude to go with the week. I have applied for a new apartment today. My fingers are crossed waiting to here. I will be hopefully getting a better place. Tired of the slumlord. I have my tax refund sitting in a bank account waiting to move. Now I am just waiting for the approval. I also learned how much my privacy does mean to me. I love my brother dearly, but him staying with me has eliminated all my private time as this current apartment is totally open. He has alot of emotional problems and my patience has worn thin. He now wants to "stick" with his family. Well where the hell was he when my husband died? When our mother didn't get her SSI check for almost 5 months, where was he? Now he says he realized that all he has in this world is his family. I guess so. His friends are long gone, having used him all up. I am now becoming such a bitch and don't want to be...that is all for now...feels good to post again...