One vice to another

Well I still have some learning to do.  I had Jesse come pick his brother up last night.  Jason was here for three days. Every single night he was here he bought a bottle of whiskey.  I am not a fan of alcoholics as my first husband and biological father to the boys was a horrid one.  The first day he was here he charmed the pants off of Tina my sis in law and my nephew. That's what hustler's do.  What I don't understand is his constant need to lie.  He got kicked out of boot camp before 30 days were up.  He is sitting in my living room, drink in hand, telling Tina and Travis how he was in special forces and was in the service for 4 years.  I didn't embarrass him, I simply let the lies flow and went downstairs to my little apt.  That lie about the military was a huge source of conflict between my late husband and him.  Kenny was not a perfect man, but he was proud of the fact that he served his country and had an honorable discharge.  Travis and Tina were so hurt that he felt the need to lie.  I explained to my nephew that sometimes the people who seem so over-confident are the most insecure, hence the need to lie. I have told many a whopper in my time, but that was back in my younger years when I was using.  Just because people stop getting high, doesn't mean they lose the mentality. 

I sat Jason down privately and we both agree that Baltimore is not for him. When Jesse dropped him off I found out that Jason is living in the middle of the hood where you can literally walk out on your stoop and get heroin.  Why would he choose to live there?  That makes me question his sobriety.  When he left he asked me for $20 in his pocket.  He did have a few dollars when he got here.  Money is a red flag for me.  Bottom line, I saw him, he didn't seem to have a dope habit as he woke up and bounced out of bed.  I am, however, not thrilled with the daily drinking.  His liver has seen enough. All the other mom's out there who have children who suffer with the disease of addiction know the feelings and guilt and grief etc. He does want out of Baltimore.  I knew the gist of this visit.  He was putting feelers out to see if maybe he could stay with us. Tina and I both told him that since his brother was told no it would be unfair to say yes to him.  We are still working on getting my nephew on his own two feet. 

They need to do a commercial that show young girls parenting doesn't end when they turn 18.  I don't think it ever ends. Sigh..off to run errands. Enjoy the day...

Clean And Sober

Some good news.  My older son has come to Dallastown to visit.  He has been clean since January of last year.  We haven't really been talking until recently.  When he walked through my front door last night, I knew.  He looks healthy and sober.  I enjoy his company tremendously whenb he is "right".  Plus, no mother wants to see their kid self-destruct.  Thankfully he isn't a convicted felon so the job market isn't shut down for him.  He will be 27 in May.  I pray he stays this way.  Many people don't learn for years down the road until the majority of their life is wasted.  I finally have a somewhat decent relationship with both of my boys.  That is only because of my own journey.  I take my blessings as they come and don't bother to ask why.  I am just thankful.  Peace!

Naughty Girl

Yup, I can be very naughty, just no longer at the expense of myself.  I am ready to fall in love again.  That lustful, yearning, can't eat, sleep etc. kind of love.  It's been so long since someone has made me feel that way.  I know, I'm not 18 anymore, but still.  There is complacent, comfortable companionship.  That is pleasant and safe.  I don't know why this is on my mind this snowy morning.  I want a cross between DeNiro and Pacino and Redford.  Does that even exist?  Throw in a little John Mayer, just, well, because.  Sigh, too much time on my mind.  I guess I know that I left the raunchy life behind which I do not miss because it almost killed me.  The men though, the ones with the gift of gab that can talk you right out of your clothes, I miss them from time to time. 

On another totally different note, looks like the snow storm wasn't what they talked it up to be.  Well, at least I have alot of toilet paper, and milk and cigs.  Oh yeah, and duct tape.  For some reason I don't feel secure in any home unless I have duct tape.  Doomsday training and such. When doomsday does happen, if it happens in my time, you shall see me standing on top of a pharmacy with my monthly scripts and duct tape with the words HELP written on the pharmacy roof. Sorry, I'm in an a weird state of mind this am.  The words just come out.  Time to get in the shower and get ready for my best girlfriends who are enroute for an estrogen filled lunch,.Peace out girl scouts!

It's about me sometimes

This is my morning song, a cry for help to do what is right.  I am growing weary of always trying to make others happy at my own expense. I am not the martyr type of chick, this I know.  Resentments will build and than finally I will blow up.  I am old enough to know better and how to prevent this from happening.  I never realized what a people pleaser I am until now.  I don't want to be in those shoes anymore.  So today is the day that I shall make a change and do for me.  I no longer will be miserable to please another person. Peace!!

Snow, slush and shit

I see the flakes coming down and watching the blanket falling and getting ready to spread doesn't excite me. I see the beauty of it, but bottom line, bad back + shovel = misery. There was a time when kids would knock on your door to shovel.  Not anymore.  I remember one snow storm my little brother made $400 in one day shoveling out the elderly in an upscale community.  The work ethic is drilled in our bloodstream. 

I have the blues and the music to go with it.  If you could write a brief blues song, what would the lyrics be?

Random thoughts...

Some days are the most amazing in your life.  Other days suck the life out of you and you wonder why you even try to fight the good fight.  Struggle after struggle, feeling that it is all for naught.  Calling, begging, pleading with one government agency after another.  Not getting any answers.  Being given a random confirmation number with a promise of a call-back.  I am starting to feel like a dinosaur in this day and age.  I want to call a help center and get REAL help.  I am so fucking tired of pushing 1 and 2, just to get a whole new round of numbers.  I have a friend who threw her phone and smashed it.  I understand.  There are wonderful benefits to this new society that we live in, but we have lost so much in the way.  Human contact. What about the people who don't have an email address or a cell phone?  What happens to them?  I remember the days of sitting down to write a letter.  I would pick out my prettiest stationary and get my favorite pen. The writing would begin.  Envelope and stamp, boom I was done.  What happened to those days?  Do our children even know how to write a proper letter without spellcheck and smileys?  I doubt it.  Letter writing is becoming an ancient form of communication. That to me is sad.  Why check the mail nowadays?  It is only bills and advertisements.  No more letters from Grand mom and Pop Pop.  I am guilty.  I have a smart phone.  GPS and I am in love with my laptop.  Yet I still remember the other way.  My friend who is 74 and goes to the library everyday and tried to fill out resumes online. He winds up getting so frustrated that he goes outside to smoke his pipe and gather his thoughts.  Than he calls me.  I hear the weariness in his voice.  I find it heartbreaking.  He is of an era where you walked into a company and met with a real person and shook their hand.  You spoke and sold yourself.  This new method of getting a job doesn't make sense to him.  I have seen him cry.  He wants to be useful.  This now makes one year that he has been out of work.  He is an attorney for the securities industry.  Everyone tells him to retire.  He says he would rather be dead.  I understand.  Truly I do.

Dabbing my eyes....

Well I ashamed to admit that I have been up all night long watching movies.  Just finished watching The Horse Whisperer for the first time.  Wonderful movie.  When I am laying in bed sobbing violently you know it's a great movie.  Robert Redford is so very talented, in front and behind the lens.

I haven't been writing much lately.  It comes in spurts (mind out of gutter please). Things have been going well or as best as I can expect.  I have been painting lately and that is  quite the stress remover.  I also can't smoke cigs when I paint so it's a two for one bonus. I found these HUGE fantasy books.  I use paint, pencils, and a certain type of crayon.  When I see the finished piece, just like writing something beautiful, the feeling is splendid.

I also realize I am still a work in progress.  I want to do more in my lifetime than just drift along and die.  Sounds trite, but I want to make a difference before the flesh becomes dust,. I am starting to keep notes on everything that appeals to me personally, for future reference.  Right now I am content to savor my hot am. coffee, the quite of the early morning.  The best part of the day. To quote a line from a song I have always liked...."Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there...Incubus.  That is simple and and a goal I know I can accomplish.  Peace, today and forever!