Sorry...

I wish everyone knew how much that one word can mean. Sorry. Sadly some people use it way too much and don't mean it. Years ago a man I loved very much got down on his knees, tears streaming down his face. I saw guilt and pain and shame. I also saw love. He uttered two words- "I'm Sorry"...I weighed 98lbs. I am 5"8. He was sobbing. He was trying to apologize for introducing me to the devil. He didn't know that I was already hard-wired to fall in love with the devil. He scooped me up and drew me a hot bath. I hadn't showered in two days. He lathered my hair and washed every nook and cranny of my body. He fed me bananas and orange juice. I couldn't walk. I was hallucinating. I was exhausted. I healed over time. When I close my eyes I still hear and feel those two words, "I'm sorry". The reason I feel them is because when they were said, they were meant.

Changing Roles

Every night around 3am. my youngest son creeps into my room and makes sure I am all the way in the bed and under the covers and sleeping well and peacefully. He proves a point that I have always believed. It's not what you say, it's what you do. Peace.

Friday Flash 55- Unconditional

You let me grow.
You let me make mistakes.
I needed help beyond what you were capable of.
You were the knight on the white horse.
I was the junky princess.
What a pair.
You saved my life, not once,
but three times.
You fought for me.
I thank you for loving me way too much.

Savannah Bound

Yes, I am exploring today.. Don't have to go back to work till tomorrow. Can only wallow in sorrow for so many days. Savannah Ga is historical, probably the most similar area to Baltimore next to Atlanta that is down here. There is actually a mall!!! I have to knock out a trip to the doc with my mom first, but than I want to see this city I have heard so much about. I can only hide in my master bedroom for so long. I have made a few friends, one in particular who keeps threatening to kidnap me and shake me out of my funk. So I am making an effort today to be pleasant and wide-eyed and curious like I used to be. I feel so lost in this big world. I have never been alone. Baggy Pants grieves in his own way, which is to himself. So I reach out when the moments present themselves, but we are both going through this struggle in our own unique ways. Oh yeah, receiving a blessing from the insurance company from that accident last week. God knows the money will come in handy. My new attitude is to count my blessings and try to move forward, but God, the process is slow. Have a great day. Oh yeah, I will publish my first Flash 55 this week. Have it all written on a pad on my desk. So be be prepared. Have a great day one and all.

Back on track..

Been rather off kilter this last week. Sleeping way too late. Except for going to work, don't feel a sense of purpose. It felt nice to awaken with the sun not yet risen. This is MY time. Everyone asleep, even my trusty dog. No one bothering me, asking me pointless questions, wanting a piece of me. Healing is a long, slow process. This is the time to heal. In the silence of the morning. Watching the sun come up. That is when I feel God's presence. I make my best decisions. This is the best cup of coffee, the one I am drinking right now. I now see the sun winking at me from the trees. Sigh, another day has begun...

When it rains, it pours!

Normal day, got ready for work. My brother-in-law was giving me a ride to work. We get into his truck and are heading towards my job. All of the sudden I see this pick up truck with a huge confederate flag barrelling towards us across the double yellow line. BANG! Both vehicles were totaled. Rick had to be taken via ambulance, as he had glass all in his face. This young kids runs over, the stupid driver, and says "Ma'am I'm so sorry I fell asleep, gosh I'm sorry".. Forgive me, but all the Yankee Baltimore bred me came out. I reply with " You stupid motherfucker, what the fuck?".. "How could you not see us"..I used words this kid probably never heard. I was furious. This was the only vehicle Rick and his wife own. They are just getting over the death of his brother and now this. My son and mom picked me up and we went to get Tina and go to the hospital. She is a very fragile emotional person. Her ability to handle stress is not the greatest. I did what I thought was the best move..I went to work. I always thought that when people nodded off at the wheel, at least by my own experience, you always veer towards the right. If Rick wouldn't have had as quick reflexes as he did and we wouldn't have had seat belts on we would have been dead. There def was an angel watching over us yesterday. The EMT's were the same ones who were at my house the day my husband died. Everyone wanted to know, "Who's boy was driving"...it being such a small town. By the time I get to work, all the customers already new I had been in an accident and who hit us. Amazing. The local gossip mill is the quickest form of news spreading that I have ever seen. So I am counting my blessings. I am alive and well. Now I am scared to death for Jesse to drive on these back roads, because the locals know them so well that they fly. We were the second accident in one hour on that road. At least I know my work ethic is intact. My dad taught me early on that the only excuse for missing work is death and it better be your own. That was probably one of his best pieces of advice. Have a great, safe day. Beware drivers that are half asleep.

The Blues

It's been three days of laying in bed in my pajamas. I usually don't have my three days off in a row. Too much time to think and wallow and be sad. I had to type a letter to my senator who is investigating the negligence in K's death. It was very painful to type. I had to start from the beginning to the end. After I typed it and mailed it out along with the release of his medical records, I was emotionally drained. I talked to my mother and my son who I share my home with. My son hates it here, even though he is making the most of it. The health care in Georgia is horrible. My mom is having a horrible time. No doctors in this little rural town accept Medicaid. She is having a hell of a time getting her health care. Baltimore has it's faults but the health care there was phenomenal. So yes, our rent is dirt cheap, but what have we traded? There is no price you can put on someone's death, but I think I am at the point of switching from hurt to anger. So we made a family plan to bank all of our money and hopefully find a new place to live after the first of the year. It's too painful to come home to this house, plus we have a two year lease which will be up next December. I am in limbo right now and am just waiting for some inner light to guide me to make my next move. So that is where I have been for three days, nestled under my covers, feeling sorry for myself. Back to work today, so time to put on my happy money making game face.