And so a new year is upon us...

What a year, huh people? I moved out of my house and I now rent a room from a couple and am finallhy at peace. So I finally got unpacked and settled in my new place and now can blog away. I just realized that I didn't need that big house. It attracted to many needy people who needed a place to stay and it just became too much of a headache. So now I have a nice room in a beautiful apartment. Noone can get in unless I buzz them in. I like that security feature. I am starting to find my happiness and peace. Now I am NOT moving anywhere for a long damn time. I still have things in my old house that I need to bring here, but I am almost done. It's always a long strange trip, but I am really enjoying the journey. Peace people's.

Being a parent

Just got off the phone with Baggy Pants. It's 9 degrees in Nashville. Hahahahahaha. He got snow first. Maybe I am pre-menepausal, but everytime we talk I cry. He hates it. I miss him. I miss his presence. Being the brutally honest human that I am, I know in my heart I failed him many times when he needed me. So I overcompensate as often as possible. Our family put the fun in dysfunction. You might catch us on Springer, NOT. Kids just want to feel safe. I miss the smell of his dirty socks and this is fucked up folks. They stink for real. I don't care. They are part of him. He invited me to Nashville for the holidays. Tears were just running down my eyes. They might cut the umbilical cord in the hospital but guess what? The cord is always there people.....

And so the holidays are upon us...

I am back. It feels good. I had to do alot of soul searching in the last few months. I literally could not write. My fingers would freeze everytime I would stare at this blog. Now they are nimble again. Go figure....Thanks to everyone who showed care and concern.

It is still very early and peaceful. One of the problems of me being in this house is that it is really too big for me. Baggy Pants moved to Tennesse to be with his true love and is doing well. i have two rooommates. I know I am helping in this economy. Plus to hear a human voice now and than is nice. We are a house of 3 women plus a couple kids trying to make it from one day to the next. I have met many new people on this journey of mine to find peace. I realized I am blessed. My life could be much worse. So I shall keep swimming in the muddy waters of life until I will hopefully attain the clarity I yearn for. Peace! Great to be back. Now let me read what everyone else has been up to....

YOU NEVER MET A MOTHERFUCKER QUITE LIKE ME

And that's how I feel today.....

Insomnia

My eyes are wide open, yet my body is so tired. So I said fuck it, I'll write. My mental health has improved to the point that the gloom and doom has lifted. (Might be the Paxil) I spent the hours between 3am til now cleaning my bedroom. The lights are out and my lone candle is burning. There is something peaceful about laying in bed in total silence dumping my thoughts. I had some girlfriends over tonight and we watched a movie and chilled. For the first time in my life I realize that I am no longer someone's wife. I have been married twice, although the first one was just the sperm donor for my boys. I am now 43 and alone, but blessed with good friends. My kids are grown, or so they think. It hit me tonight that I am now accountable to ME. It's like putting your favorite shoes away in the closet and breaking in the new ones. The blisters are starting to heal. Peace.

Update

The sun just came out, imagine that!

Rain and cold...ick

I woke up this morning and that early fall chill was definetly in the air. I ang m already having visions of snow, salt and shovels. The Farmers Almanac said this winter is going to be brutal. I barely made it through last winter. I know, I am slightly compulsive thinking about snowstorms before Halloween, but it is what it is. I see so many hardened faces and I wonder what goes through their mind. Are they happy with the hand that life has dealt them? Who knows? I sometimes feel like we are little ants trying to etch out an existence for ourselves, no matter how meager. Right now my coffee cup is getting rather low and that is unacceptable, so ta ta for now folks. Be thankful for what you have.