Change

My life
A contradiction
Chaos and confusion
Sunshine and joy
Needles and pain
The slow process
of healing
It never ends
Self destruction
Than my own reconstruction
I no longer want to be the thorn
or the poison ivy that spreads
to all around me
I want to be a simple white flower
My own seasons
Getting high from the early am breeze
There was a time I wished to be a poppy
Oozing sticky sap
to lick and wallow away in..
I prefer a pretty white flower

Coffee

Just one cup to start the day and suddenly a new spin on how I feel begins. It's pretty amazing. For years my ritual is coffee, cigarettes and medication. Than in about 20 minutes I can move and get up and about. I realized I am a pretty simple chick to please the older I get. It doesn't take much at all to make me happy. I am learning that " I want what I want when I want it" simply doesn't happen nor is it realistic. It has taken me 44 years of growing up to figure that one out.

How does anyone really know when they are an adult? Do you just wake up oneday and it hits you in the face like a ton of bricks? I work with mostly young people and I see the thought differences etc. I might have more life experience but does that make me an adult? These are the strange thoughts that float around in my grey matter. I'm caught in a circle. Round and round, but I'm tired of treading water. The doggie paddle of life is hard to maintain. The one thing I do notice is that there are many other people doing the doggie paddle with me. I know one thing. I'm not ready to float face down. Peace!

Yay!!!

The justice system worked on my behalf for once in my life. Now that the case is over I will write about it. In October of last year I had that house in Baltimore, and about 3 people living with me in separate rooms. 2 of the girls had drug dealers for boyfriends. Neighbors started complaining about traffic. The house is in a school zone. 3:30pm in the afternoon they raided my house. It was horrible. All the kids were getting off the buses. I think it was to show the neighborhood association that their tax money was being put to good use. Anyhow, guns drawn we all had to lay on the floor while they searched the house. The found a crack pipe in a kitchen drawer. We ALL went to jail for that. They found no drugs. It's called finding drugs and or paraphernalia in a common living area. I have no idea who's pipe it was but I had to spend 18 hours in jail. I bailed myself out as I had cash on me when arrested. Years ago I had been in they "system", parole/probation. It takes forever to get out. I finally got off of parole in 2005. That is why I waitress. I have my certificate in business/data entry and I type 103 words per minute. As soon as that background check comes back, I am sunk. Most of my legal/addiction issues were from 1996-1999. Than I would get re-arrested for violating my probation. Mine were technical VOP's...That means I didn't get a new charge. I moved and didn't notify the court of my new address. This lawyer was amazing. I got what I paid for. My next mission on earth is to get my record expunged. She brought it up as we were leaving. Apparently after three years, for $30 a case your record can be cleaned up. I am going to start working on that. The sad thing is that if I would have brought a public defender to court I probably would have gotten probation or jail time. So people without money who can't afford a top notch lawyer don't have many options when they are caught up in the system, usually due to drugs, using and or selling them. My lawyer new my judge and so on. She kept postponing my case until she could get in front of "her" judge. So that is how our legal system works. I learn something new everyday. That has been looming over my head for almost a year now. It is gone and over... I am blessed...Peace

Morning Court

Wish me luck everyone. I have to be in Baltimore County at 8:30am for morning court. I hate court. It's for a misdemeanor that happeneded at my house while I was renting rooms out. I have a paid lawyer who told me not to worry about anything but I get sick to my stomach when I have any type of court. So I will post later. If I don't things didn't go well but again, the case is supposed to get dismissed according to the attorney. Peace!

Got the blahs

Yes, I sure do. Sometimes reality just smacks you in the face when you want it to disappear. My old ways of making the blahs go away are no longer acceptable to me. Sometimes I get jealous in an insane way of how easy it is for many people to escape through chemical means. I have learned through much pain and anguish that the relief is temporary and the consequences are worse. So now when that feeling comes upon me I pick up a book, watch a movie or write. It works. I am learning that no one in this world has a perfect pain free existence. Everyone gets the blahs. I think I am finally learning how to deal with them in a much healthier way. Time to get ready for work, blah...

Constantly Changing

Everytime a smooth patch comes along the big bump comes along. My brother-in-law and his wife, my friend are slitting up. I know this sounds selfish but damn, I just find peace and another fucking bomb drops. He is moving out sometime this week. Tina and I are going to split the bills, but I think I am going to start bankrolling money just in case things go awry. It took me long enough to learn to prepare for a rainy day. Through the last episodes of insanity I learned that money gives you the freedom to make choices. Bottom line. I have lived in hotels and yearned for my own place. Hopefully Tina is as tired of moving as I am. Rick is Kenny's younger brother. Rick is 49 or so I think. They both grew up in very dysfunctional homes. Rick has always chosen women a little older than him. Looking more for a mother than a wife. Tina is a great wife. Their biggest issue is her son, who is 20 and unemployed. Tina married Rick when she was 47, her first marriage ever. Her whole life it has been just her and her son. No man can ever compete. Her son has been told that he was the man of the house since he was 11. Rick didn't stand a chance. He isn't perfect, trust me. Her husband and son literally hate each other. There is so much unhappiness in this house that they both decided it would be best to live seperatelty. Right now everyone is being civil, but I know quickly that can change. So all cash goes in the bank from today on. Stockpiling so I can land standing on my feet. Peace.

How much will money buy?

I am sitting here typing before I have to go to work. I am listening to a song and one of the lines is "How much will money buy"..It got me thinking. The importance of the almighty dollar. You can't survive without it. Some of us don't have very much, others have so much that it makes you wonder. How much is enough? How many flat screen tvs, jewelry etc. does one person need? I tend to shop when I get depressed. After all the bags are opened and the price tags cut off, I don't think I feel any better. I go for rides and see the beautiful homes that have at least 5 bedrooms. I wonder to myself, who needs a house that big? I wait on couples every night who live in those big houses. They eat out every night. Their kids are grown. They never use the fabulous kitchen. So what I am pondering is, how much is enough? How many cars and boats? Some people border on ridiculous. It's the small things in life that sustain me. I watch our economy in a crisis that I don't think we are going to be able to wiggle our way out of. The saddest part is that the people in charge of our destinies are "The Have's". They don't give a flying fig about me and my rent and basic needs. I have visions of them sipping martini's on their yachts, smiling and laughing as the wind blows through their hair. Me and my kind are the farthest thing from their minds as another bottle of vodka gets opened. The one thing I do have that money can't buy is peace of mind. Money can buy alot of things folks, but peace of mind is priceless and I wouldn't trade it for anything or any dollar amount in the world..Peace...