Serenity...the word even has a "serene" sound to it. I love words...the way they roll off of your tongue, their ability to express your deepest feelings, words can accomplish so much. I find it easier to type the words than to say them out loud. That is an issue I am working on. 3 weeks before my father passed away, I happened to write him a 4 page letter, just telling him how much I loved him, that he was indeed a great father, and grandfather, and that my personal shortcomings were no fault of his own. My step-mother told me that he had tears streaming down him face as he read it. He died three weeks later. The words that I wrote I wish I would have spoken in hindsight. When I speak I tend to get rather tongue tied and babble, as I am trying to get all these words and feelings out all at once, so it comes out in a big jumble. When I write it is the opposite.
On another note, I am trying to prepare my mother, who is 64 and looking at retirement on how to live on a budget. We share a house with her. If we didn't she would lose her house. My mother is a very bitter woman. Life has not been kind to her, and she has not been kind to others. She has made no preparations for living on a fixed income. I have learned at 41 as my husband is on SSI. Our gas and electric bill is insane. This woman will not open a window, only turn on the air as soon as a bead of sweat runs down her brow. We plant vegetables and flowers, try to live somewhat "green"..do our part. She is the epitome of waste and living without care for the next day. And we all live in one house. Thank God for my Xanax...sorry, just being honest. The more I work, and the better the business is getting, the less time I am spending at home. Yes, I am doing it on purpose. That is where I find my joy. Plus, I want to make money and wake up with a few extra dollars in my pocket. It is a nice feeling to be able to wake up and take the family out to breakfast. How do I instill in a 64 year old woman, who is very set in her ways, that she has to make some major lifestyle changes? She has given no thought as to how she is going to pay for all of her expensive medication when she retires. No more fantastic health benefits from her company. She doesn't even know the actual cost of her medicine....it is frustrating...I guess in the long run the only one that I can fix is me...Talking to her is like speaking into a wind tunnel.. Just noise....Have a blessed day in blog land...
Lori
3 comments:
Lori
Love words and they will love you back. Most times it is easier to write them than it is to speak them, especially to those dearest us. But your telling of the tale of a final communication between you and your father is well done, and as long as he got the words he heard your voice as he read them.
Your mother on the other hand, well that is another fine mess eh? Here is what I see. She is at the fore of my generation, the baby boomer's, while I am at the tail ass end.
The thing about most boomer's is they were brought up to believe that everything in this world is a result of your pops sacrifice in the war, he paid for it so you can enjoy it. Ergo the proliferation of mind altering chemicals, smoke and popular protest all came along inone fell swoop to show us that...fuck you it ain't all peace love and rock and roll. All of the heroes of my youth are dead, the Kennedy brothers, Martin King, Malcolm X, John Lennon, Ghandi, Che and on and on and on.
So we retreated into consumption as a way to cope. Ideals were for the blind. Now some people never made it out of that basement habitat and others found a solid middle class white bread life and others went for politics.
But the major politicians until Bill Clinton and now G were all from that generation that fought WWII without qualm or excuse.
I liked Clinton, despise bush but I think that between the two of them they have proved what true ineffectual leadership is. History I think will look to these two and judge the entire generation born from '46-'59.
So now as Boomer's age they are feeling marginalized and un-accomplished regarding the dreams of a generation. Every generation has goals that are a part of the collective thought of everyone in it. Goals unrealized is a bitter path.
So what do you do...same thing as you did with your old man, engage her in a pursuit that makes her feel needed. Take her out of the reality she lives in and engage her to become involved in the reality of your true situation. Ask her if she can work the garden or something lighter equally as productive to the common good.
Don't yell...nothing puts an old fart off like being lectured by a young fart...but engage her in spoken dialog so she can hear herself say that efficiency is not important and saving is not important. Not on a global scale Lori, simply on the personal scale you all live in.
It will take time to get through to her, you are after all dealing with a lifetime's worth of wrong understanding. That's the thing about wind tunnels they are no match for the fury of the real wind of truth. A truth which will hit her as her income decreases with retirement. I'm not sure what the rules are now, but once she gets her regular Social Security, along comes Medicare A&B, with it's 20% co-pays and of course the bushwahcked plan D, drug benefit.
While not perfect in its execution, Medicare all in all is widely accepted and a huge source of doctors personal income. So I wouldn't be too concerned there. She will just have to try to get as many samples from her doc as she can to help save some dough. This is becoming her new reality and she will adapt or get left on the side of the road.
Moms over there, well she may be bitter and shit, but that is her lack not yours. You know, as I do, that contentment is internal state of being. One has to want it or they never look for it.
She may be un-happy but, like it or not she will have to adapt.
Now you have to tune up your wits and open your mouth to as a pair figure this shit out.
Peace
mark
Adapt...Good word...Some of us are more flexible than others however. Some bend, others break...The willow and the oak tree...mom is def an oak tree...I am a willow...until I get angry...lol...thanks for all of your support and encouragement...
Lori
Lori,thanks for being!
Peace
mark
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