Feb 16, 2009

Be a gentle soul

What inspires people to be kind? That was on my mind tonight at work. Just as there are certain people who are always mean-spirited, I wonder if it comes from within or if you acquire a certain disposition. I see my mother, 65, without a friend in the world, her aura is so negative you feel it when you are anywhere near her. She is the woman you stand behind in the grocery store who is so short with the clerk and nasty that you just shake your head. She is the cross I bear. When she slams her cart into another customer at Walmart, I always apologize for her. She says that they need to watch where the hell they are going. I look at her with pity. Just as I try to be kind hearted, her spirit is vindictive and bitter. My motto is shake it off and move on, life is too short. She is a keeper of grudges. When I tell her to enjoy her retirement, the reply is her whole life has been shit, so why should anything change now. I couldn't fathom having that mindset. I wouldn't want to be alive. I am slowly learning that I can't force good wil and kindness and all my hippy dippy philosophy on another. I couldn't imagine having a heart filled with coldness and apathy for my fellow man. Yes, there were times in my life that I was a selfish person, but that was due to an addiction that consumed me for a certain period of years. Even in that misery, I knew deep inside there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Just like I learned to stop my younger self destruction, I have learned to accept the fact that some people don't have it in their DNA to be joyful, or even make a pretense at trying. Misery is their friend. The martyr, poor me etc. I will take compassion and empathy over self-pity and a black heart anyday.

1 comment:

the walking man said...

Moms has yet to forgive: first herself for whatever it is she perceives as mistakes and second them she feels have harmed her.

Until then there is no opening for kindness to work in.