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Some people might not find the humor in this band's take on the 12 Step Plan, but I do. Sometimes you have to laugh about the past and the pain or you will go insane. Not talking about glorifying the things that we have done, but making peace with the demons and the shame.
Someone commented awhile ago that I don't go into detail about the past that much. My addiction is something that I haven't made the focus of my blog. Oh well, here goes.. I used to be a junkie. I was married to one. I started at 23 with the hard drugs, ie heroin. My late great one introduced me to the opiate wonders. We did everything together. Used, laughed, cried, detoxed, jailed, and all the other good shit that addicts do. We got clean oneday. It took years. We got tired..The biggest irony of his death is that on his death bed he had a junkie's dream of medication. He didn't want it. Kenny wanted clarity and to feel. He died clean and sober June 1, 2009. We had moved to Georgia to start a new life and we did it. Than he died. Ironic huh? Through all the overdoses etc., he died of cancer and the staph infection that had spread throughout his body. He died in our bed with me, Baggy Pants and his brother on a beautiful lake in Ga. Noone thought that two addicts together could make it. Most don't. I remember the fights over drugs/money. I remember doing the happy dance when we got our tax refund so we could blow it. Only another addict can understand how a person can go through $5,000 in 3 days.
So the reason I don't really write about it now is that I am in a totally different phase in my life. I am focused on doing positive things and moving forward. I am not the same person at 44 that I was at 34. So now I laugh as much as possible and try to have fun. I don't always succeed. It's not easy. Kenny used to have a saying about SOBER...he would say "son of a bitch everything's real"...I always got it. I refuse to get caught up with the monster again. I don't have the strength. I value my life..."Sometimes the light don't shine, that's the time we have to open our eyes" "You and me baby gonna get rehabilitated" - A3 RIP KLR....
8 comments:
It takes the journey to get to the destination.
I see in you and Andrew and others who have been down that road and survived a true, emphatic heart. You don't judge anymore, because you know what it feels like to be at the bottom. Hold your pretty head up...
Kenny sounds like no matter what, he always put you and the boys first.
Love, Lou
Now is now, then was then and then was when you could sing the good times are coming song. They are here now so be at peace with them and enjoy the moment.
I always believed that there was a time and a place for everything: you allocated about 8 hours before dropping the acid and didn't have anyplace to go or anything specific to do -- the trip was the trip for that time. With the poppy, time at rest unbothered (reminds me of a Lenny Bruce quote (he OD'd on morphine)"I'll die young but its like kissing God") But that was then and we all grow out of childish things. And we learned from them, sometimes good times, sometimes a mean lesson.
You did good Baggy Pants, and there is much life left to live.
Lou- We do have huge hearts. Kenny suffered from schizoaffective disorder which compounded the addiction problems. The journey was bumpy, but you are right. He always put family first.
WM- That is how I feel. I don't want to dwell on a chapter that is pretty much closed. I am now focusing on this new chapter in my life. I am enjoying this time in my life. It seems that people in our society like to read about the gory details, like rubberneckers at a car wreck. Yuck!
Goatman- You are right. There is a time for everything in life. Btw, Baggy Pants is my blog nickname for my youngest son. He is 21 and wears his pants so baggy, hence the name. I like the Lenny Bruce quite. Very accurate description. I am not ready to kiss God yet...Be well...xoxo
Sorry, I reread your prose and realize that now. Thought it was your nickname.
Neat moniker though!
Goatman- No apologies needed. Trust me, my nick would never be Baggy Pants. More like Pants to tight!!!
Its amazing that you two were able to get clean together. How did you do it? Rehab? Meetings?
-JS
Vb5- I honestly think it was time. I was 22 when we met, he was 33. After so many years the lifestyle simply grew old. You take an inventory of your life and have to decide how you want to live it. It was amazing. I really don't have a specific answer. There were many other things that we enjoyed and missed doing. Slowly we started getting everything back together.. Thanks for stopping by.
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