May 1, 2012

Creeping in my room..

I hear the pills rattle in my purse...
a safe jingle jangle
a reminder that I won't be in pain.

I am on pain management.  Have been for a few years.  When you are put on pain managment you must sign a contract basically stating that you are responsible for your medication and will safeguard it and not abuse/or divert it.  

Well for the last month I have noticed that things have been moved around in my room, small things.  I didn't pay much attention as we have just moved into a new, relatively big house.  Than one morning I woke up to take my Paxil and other meds when I noticed one of the bottles had its lid put on upside down.  That is how my sis in law caps her medicine.  It bothered me, and I was puzzled on how to approach her.  I thought I would give her an easy out.  She woke up and we had our usual morning chit chat.  I looked at her and said, "Listen this is bugging me and I know I went to bed early last night" "Did you grab any of my  anxiety meds, I will understand if you didn't want to wake me?"  She denied it  and told me we should keep an eye on her son, my nephew, who has in the past, gotten both of us for a pill here and there.  She said she could tell if he was messed up...I said ok, but I knew the way she put her lids on her bottles and kept thinking, not nephew, it was his mama.

An hour later she knocks on my door crying.  She said, "I'm a horrible mother, blaming my son for something I did".. She is crying telling me how sorry she was etc know how it goes. So now I am carrying my pills everywhere I go until I get a new safe today.  I was so damned hurt. Still am.  She is 52 years old.  She is my family through marriage.  We used to work together and I introduced her to my brother in law whom she married.  She is one of my best friends, despite small squabbles, usually over daily life, bills etc.  Now I feel violated.  The tears she shed were genuine.  I saw the shame that all addicts have when they are confronted.  I wish she never put me in that position.

Time to chug this coffee and get ready to go to my local Wal-Mart and get a shiny new safe.  (This will now be the 3rd safe I have bought)  Better safe than sorry....Peace!


Annette said...

Its not personal though, you know that right? Its irrational addict thinking that compels our addicted loved ones to get what they want at any and all cost. Its not about us.

I'm sorry your relationship got touched and you got hurt though. :o(

Lori said...

Annette- I know, it's the insanity of the disease. Thanks for your kind words. It's just now I look at her different, you know? I love her and she has been great to me when I really was down and out. I guess just like any other bruise, it will take time for it to heal.

Anonymous said...

Pain meds and benzos = not sober. You may not be shooting heroin every day but you're in no way sober. There's plenty of ways to deal with pain and anxiety and I'd bet you were more than happy to take legal dope.

Lori said...

Anonymous- I respect your opinion. I have been on pain management for about 6 years now. My heroin use was in my twenties along with cocaine. I got clean. I waitressed for about 20 years. I have degenerative disk disease and bad sciatic nerve damage on my right side. I tried everything. First the mental health meds which I still take and than finally the rest. I know that I am not the same person I was when I was 23 and actively using illegal substances. I know that I can't walk the dog in the morning for 20 minutes or so until I take my medication. I just know what works for me to have a decent quality of life. That is what matters to me at the end of each day.