So tired...

I love this video, and the song..Of course not everyone will share my taste, but so be it. Work sucked tonight, very slow...I have to be back there at 7am, so hopefully will make some cash in the am. Basically just trying to survive til Monday am. Got some oxy's from a customer. Than my girl sent her old man up here to tap on my window tonight, he came bearing gifts, handful of Xanax and a bottle of methadone. So trying to line all my ducks up. Plus I think my drawer was $18 off which i will have to replace in the morning. I can't wait till Monday because not only is it doctor day, but it is also check day. Always waiting for that sweet moment. Than when those sweet moments come they pass quickly and I am back to square one.

My Girl

Good morning

Gotta keep this short, have to go run and make a purge payment so I don't go to jail.. Lovely.. I will post more when I get back.. This woman is evil, the agent I have to go see. So hopefully I will be back to post more...In the meantime thought I would share some music from one of my favorite chicka singers...

I thought this was actually rather funny..Of course my humor is warped, but so be it.

Fuel for thought

Good morning people,

Who am I kidding? I don't know if anyone even reads this thing...i guess that's a moot point...I don't have to go to work till 1:30pm today.. Thank God. I prefer day shift hour wise, but I can't stand that one bitch..she is just starting to pluck my nerves. I am just going to tune her the hell out from now on. She made the comment yesterday that when her daughter was on drugs and she cut her wrists she told her she hoped she bled to death. So maternal!!! I thought my mother was bad, couldn't imagine what my life would have been like with that one raising me. Kenny got some dope yesterday, it makes me so sad to see him so happy when he is high, and so miserable when he is straight. Every weekend now when his brother gets paid they found some guy who will meet them anywhere anytime with dope. Plus, I have to lie to my sister-in-law, well I haven't had to yet, but Rick hides his addiction from her. So they tell me if she calls they are supposed to be working on my mom's car. Tina is like me and just takes her prescriptions. So far Rick is just chipping on the weekends but isn't that how it always starts? Kenny only does it when his brother brings it by, but that is the only time Kenny has any oomph...That is the part that makes me sad. I wish methadone could do for him what it does for me. He said it just isn't the same. It's not, but it is enough for me. I have learned thru the years to be happy with being content. I miss that "feeling" too...but I just remember all the pain that goes along with that pain. After twenty years playing the dope game, and now being on pain management because I am falling apart from not taking care of myself when I was younger, I just want some peace with a few spurts of excitement in my life. I really wish Kenny wouldn't have lost his doctor. At least when he had his script he could keep some level of opiates in his system enough to keep him up and moving. Now he just has good days and bad days lately. I love him so much, he doesn't think so, he says I have become the worlds biggest bitch lately, it's just because I am unhappy with the situation we are in, not him. I guess we do take things out on the ones closest to us.

I don't mind cause I live in the light....

Howdy,,

God what a day...Any of you ever just work with a nasty bitch that you cant' stand. I am sure. Well I work with one. She is old and cranky and just fucking nasty. Makes the day a pure joy. And people wonder why I stay medicated. Puhleeze.....The old lady that I work with has a daughter who is a heroin addict and has her currently on Suboxone. So even tho I am on pain management she considers me a junky. Of fucking well. I don't really give a flying fig what that bitch thinks..How do you like me now? I get so tired of judgmental people. They are the sames ones that get drunk every night talking in slurred words about the community junkies. Can't stand a hypocrite. How about you?

Just got back from walking Mr. Auggie....my dog is so spoiled. I wish I had his life. All he does is sleep, play and lick himself. Not a bad way to live. I am glad we are able to give him a good home. We got him from a dope house on Collington Ave. They didn't have any electricity and we went in the basement and I stepped on him. God was he tiny. I fell in love right there, and gave the so-called owner some cash and walked out with my dog. That was last spring. So I guess he is almost about a year old now. I can only imagine what his life would have been like if we wouldn't have found him. Ugh...so glad we did.....

Keeping my fingers crossed

Well back to the doctors today. Hopefully he will prescribe me my regular regimen of meds. I ran out early this month and he had to write me a weeks worth of percosets to substitute the methadone, trust me, not a good swap comfort wise. Plus, I am stressing as I have court tomorrow for back child support for arearrages. Both of my kids are by my first husband, but when they were young I kept the one and he kept the other, but than he turned our oldest boy over to his mother who in turn sued me for child support because her son is a bum who never supported any of the numerous children he has spawned. So now, the child in question is turning 22 and I owe 1559.00. I have never gotten a dollar from this man not even a cheeseburger for either of our boys, yet I am being threatened with jail unless I bring a chunk of cash to court tomorrow. I don't get the system at all. That is why I try to limit all of my dealings with any type of government systems. They just don't make sense to me...

I'm gonna put another dollar in the jukebox baby, you ain't comin' home

Just got back from the pharmacy to pick up the rest of my pills. I am really going to try to cut back on my Xanax, simply because when I run out I feel so crappy. And I am prescribed 2mgs. 3x a day. I only eat one a day, two at tops. They say benzo dependence is no joke. I don't need anymore addictions in my life. I have already cut my dose of methadone way down, and am just getting used to that. Probably why I have been such a bitch these past weeks. I don't like dealing with life on lifes terms. It takes alot of getting used to. At least work is going well. That is the only area of my life where I feel good about myself. I have a sense of purpose. Don't feel much like writing today..maybe tomorrow or later...